going travelling alone as a way to improve communication skills

LegacyUser

early thirties male here, always v quite and shy, v good job

I was always v quite as a child coupled with v strict mother (teacher) who thought education was the be all and end all to life........

looking back I had a pretty tough time at school too, no one really wanted to hang out with me as I was the bright boy in the class, as a result didn't ever meet anyone from school outside of school, mother wouldn't have allowed that anyway think she thought no one was good enough TBH

so I went to college and became an engineer and have a reasonably good job now and fairly well paid, a shrewd observer might say, so all these v v v v good exam results what were they all for, are you doing that much better than anyone else ? the short answer to that is no, probably worse TBH lack of ability to speak and talk and motivate people is the cause

so when in college I lived pretty much on my own and never really made friends and did v v v v little socializing, I just wasn't interested TBH & no one actually told me that it was actually important to develop social skills, as far as family were concerned all that mattered were exam results, hard to believe I could actually be that dim witted not to see that out of all the education and qualifications isn't it

so I got a job a bit away from home and I threw myself headlong into that.....work work work and at the weekends went home to parents house and pretty much kept to myself.

So moved to a new city recently, and I realized all of what I have just written and didn't feel too good.

Im now v quite with very few friends, can't remember the last time someone asked me go for a drink, its always me doing the asking......guess me being so quite is why people don't really want to be around me as Im not funny and don't really have interesting things to say, the ability to converse just isn't in me it seems, Im not a bad person or mean or nasty, Id go out of my way to help others in fact

Ive actually never been on a holiday with other people, no one would ask me to go TBH as I just am not meeting same people enough I think to bond, or else whatever vibe I seem to be giving off turns people off, even though its not like I try to do it or anything

Im also not v confident......had to do a fair few interviews to actually move job, my lack of confidence and quiteness would come across I think, more so than my technical ability

if there were a group of people in a bunch Id still be the quite one, you would even notice it in the canteen at breakfast time

hobbies - go the gym and am swimming and am trying to play tag rugby and am going to buy a bike and try and get into a cycling group somehow

So what am I trying to do differently

Been to therapist for a few sessions, and she has determined there is nothing wrong with me, I just pressed an opt out button unbeknown to myself when I was a teenager and now have to get involved in things and make an effort, its that simple no magic wand unfortunately

making an effort whenever there is an opportunity to try and meet people I kinda know from school/locality, I hardly have their phonenumbers

hobbies - go the gym and am swimming and am trying to play tag rugby and am going to buy a bike

I can afford to do the whole travelling thing for 6-12mths Ive never been anywhere in my life, Id probably have to go alone as like I said Im in my early thirties, family members coming with me isn't as option, aside from the fact they have no interest,

so opinions are sought would travelling help ? saying going backpacking across south america or somthingg

MrWalsh

Im sure travelling would help, but you dont really need to travel to improve your communication skills.

I dont want to pick every line of your post apart but a few bits really stand out. Im sure people didnt want to hang out with you because you were the bright boy in school, I was the bright girl in school and Id loads of friends.

This

guess me being so quite is why people don't really want to be around me as Im not funny and don't really have interesting things to say, the ability to converse just isn't in me it seems, Im not a bad person or mean or nasty, Id go out of my way to help others in fact

If you can write the above then the ability to converse and say interesting things is in you - you just need to start putting it out there.

Why not just start with the people around you - before committing to travelling?

You could make a little project of it actually, decide to get to know people better in work for example. Ask people about themselves. Ask people what they did at the weekend. A lot of people like to talk about themselves so if you ask a few strategic questions off they go and all you have to do is engage a bit and youre off on a conversation.

There are some very very quiet people in my job and its quite clear to me that they just make absolutely no effort at all. If I ask them about themselves they give curt answers and generally make me feel like they want me to go away. So dont be that way, be open and engaging.

santana75

I really dont think you need to go travelling just because you think it "would be good for you". Go and see the world if you have this drive to do so, but if youre going just in the hopes that it might improve your communications skills, then I'd say stay where you are and work on that here. Again, not knocking travelling, I just think youre looking for answers in the wrong places.
You sound like someone whos figured a lot of stuff out about themselves and thats a great start. You have to get stuck in though, in regards to socializing. Theres a few things you do already that you can use as practice. Like the gym for example. That is such a no brainer, the weights area is always full of other blokes, all you do is start saying hello to them, then maybe strike up a conversation every now and then. Nothing long and deep, I mean nobody wants to have these long talks between sets. You could do a spin class, I see people chatting all the time before and after these. But I think overall it sounds like maybe you've lived a life that wasnt yours in the choosing. You got good grades to please your mother, then you got yourself a nice, steady profession after working hard in college. It seems like youre at a cross roads and something is nagging at you about your life. Maybe take some time to consider if you actually do want to be an engineer? Is there something else you'd like to try out? Maybe some hobbies or sports you never tested the waters on before. My advice is to stay where you are for now, try stuff out, figure yourself out first and foremost, thats the foundation everything else is built upon.

stickyfinger

It sounds like you'd like to go on holidays, why not sign up with a tour company and go, there are lots of adventure holiday companies out there, some have trips for solo travellers only, but any of them are good to go on. If you want to go travelling long term either do, most likely it will boost your confidence if you go and have fun and do things you want to do, but if you are doing it just for the purpose of improving communication I'm not sure you're going to get that out of it, it would more likely be a byproduct of going off to do things that you really enjoy and want to do, travelling could be it or anything else you are interested in either.
You could always try joining a meetup group or two, some specifically meet for socialising, or others for hobbies so you'll get to know people. If you have social anxiety there could be a group out there for that as well. Try not to be so hard on yourself and like the other posters say, ask people questions about themselves, try and initiate some conversations, go to work nights out etc, it might take time but you'll get there if you keep going.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I am not quite or silent , infact quite the opposite I am confident and outgoing but never got to meet "the one" which is an entirely different story. I have travelled alone several times and always thoroughly enjoyed it.Travelling alone always gives one time to think and reflect and do exactly what you want without the need to worry about anyone else's feelings or schedule. I would highly recommend it.
I have travelled in many non English speaking countries and have always found that a few weeks learning a little of the local language is a huge help and makes the experience so much more enjoyable. You won't meet too many people in Latin America with good English outside well off areas of major cities and I would strongly urge you to learn a little Spanish or (Portuguese for Brazil) before setting off. Three weeks of "Michel Thomas" Spanish for a hour or two a day was ahuge help to me and allowed me to meet and hold basic conversations with lot's of interesting people.
Yes I am quite sure that travelling alone would be a great confidence booster and a great help in improving your communication skills.
You will also have some great stories to tell when you get home!!

LegacyUser

It sounds like you are very self aware, and know what the gaps in your life are. Because of parental influence, you really concentrated on one side of your life: exams, success, stable job etc. unfortunately this led to neglect on the other side of your life: social interaction, feeling at ease dealing with people, making friends.

I don't think travelling as you describe it will solve anything - it just seems to be moving the same problem to a different location, in the hope that this will force you to interact better with people. If you genuinely do wish to travel, even to get away from years of concentration on exams/study/success, then go for it! But I think it's a mistake to think that it is going to fix your other issues.

I think you should try to engage gently with people, by asking them about them - how was their weekend, and asking about things they tell you about (kids, hobby, social outings). But one word of I suppose warning: I used to be friends with someone who would ask about me - and actually really ask about me in detail - but never ever said much about herself. In the end, I just stopped contacting her, because I got fed up sharing things that I was p*ssed off about, finding stressful, had messed up over, when I got nothing back. It was like I shared most things, and she still treated me like a casual acquaintance, and trusted me with nothing about her own life. And I felt like an idiot sharing things that I was worried / felt like an eejit about, in order to get zero back. She honestly might as well have been the local librarian/shop keeper/hairdresser, for all I knew about her. So don't do that OP!

Friendship is a two way street; there needs to be trust on both sides to say stuff about your life. But engaging with people by asking about the superficial details of their life - and sharing some of your own - should build up at least a casual friendship, and from there you might find people that you click with.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies everyone

regarding meeting "the one" I did meet someone this summer by chance and we became v close, unfortunately we didn't get to try properly as she left the country to go back home as her contract was up....she was a bit younger than me.....we still have feeling for each other however and are in contact....she is on about leaving her home country again not sure where she is going to go

she knows about my uncomfortableness in my own skin at the min as I outlined in my original post

regarding meeting someone again, I can't seem to bond with males not to mind females.........

LegacyUser

some other details

I went to college for 4years, well 6 actually (exam results were so good I got accepted do a masters free of charge) and jeez if I went out 50 nights it was the most, I had a few friends but when went to pub just couldn't, just couldn't hold a conversation about anything other than studies etc......thats a long time ago nearly 10years now so lets not dwell on that,

does anyone find it it strange that I didn't have the urge to go out every night when I was in college almost ? same as most people had, I hid myself away Im v ashamed to say, physologist described it as pressing opt out button

satisfied enough I did engineering Im as interested as everyone else that I work with is in it anyway.

Crossroads in life my inability in life to not be able to communicate properly has begun to cause some social anxiety......and whatever I need to do to fix it Im prepared to do TBH, hence the travelling question

Im quite good at email communication and figuring things out as this is what engineers do isn't it, I just have a problem with people and making small talk not to mind interesting communication.

milli milli

Hi OP

I would agree with some of the other posters and fix this here rather than travelling to do it. By all means go travelling to see the world but don't use it to try and fix this.

The way to BE interesting, is to DO interesting things.
No offence to any gym goers but I find the gym a boring place. If you want to stay fit, then pick an interesting sport/activity that you've always wanted to try. You will meet other like minded individuals
Just off the top of my head and sports I've tried in the past that have led me to great people and great conversations - surfing, rowing, running, cycling, martial arts, tai chi, yoga, dance, zip lining, etc

Other things to try that are fun and interesting - art events, comedy gigs, musical societies, film making workshops, music workshops, charity events, flying lessons, adventure holidays, creative writing, follow a sport and go to matches, etc

You can also read interesting books, watch thought-provoking films, follow some great bands, learn a new language, etc.

We live in a very interesting world with tons of great things to try.
I'm a passionate person, hungry to try new things. It keeps my life interesting and I'll always have something to chat about.

milli milli

travellersouthamerica wrote: »

some other details

I went out 50 nights it was the most, I had a few friends but when went to pub just couldn't, just couldn't hold a conversation about anything other than studies etc......thats a long time ago nearly 10years now so lets not dwell on that,

does anyone find it it strange that I didn't have the urge to go out every night when I was in college almost ? same as most people had, I hid myself away Im v ashamed to say, physologist described it as pressing opt out .

At least you went out 50 times! I'm sure there are some people in college that never go out.

Don't be beating yourself up about your past.
We all have things in our past that we wish we had done differently. By looking back and analysing situations - that's how we learn about ourselves and we can make changes if we don't like what we learn.
You want to make changes, so pat yourself on the back, that you want to grow as a person and become more rounded.

When you say you are trying to do tag rugby and cycling - have you actually gone to a class? If you want to do these things, then go and get stuck in.

SF12

Have you tried playing tag rugby OP?

I'm a tag rugby player (and an engineer, although that has nothing to do with anything). I would recommend it highly as a way to meet people and get a bit of practice in with social situations. But you have to try to talk to people too, as someone else said friendship requires trust. The thing about something like tag though is that you straightaway have something in common with the people around you, even if it is just the last hour or so you've all been together! Tag is a funny game because you find yourself a team and that's fine - and then after a few weeks you find yourself subbing for teams that others on your team play for, and all of a sudden you've got this wide circle of people you would never have come across otherwise. Be sure to go for a drink afterwards, even it's a non-alcoholic just for an hour or so. That will help too.

The gym is good, but it's not really an interactive place, I will say that. A cycling club, or a triathlon club would be worth investigating too. You could also consider trying to see if you have any local amateur rugby clubs that you could join, if you're into that - I know some tag players who also play rugby. Summer is a great time to start into tag, because everyone plays in the summer. Winter is good, but a bit more serious and the cold tends to discourage the after-game socialising

I can't answer your question about going abroad to be honest, but it seems like a bit of an extreme thing to do just so you can develop social skills. Maybe you should try out joining some groups first, while you consider the travelling thing/get yourself ready for travelling??

Sleepy

Why not try something like toastmasters? It's full of people looking to improve their speaking skills and has a social aspect to it as well?

endacl

Re your therapist, OP. The fact that you have identified a problem you'd like to address means there's something wrong. 'Something wrong', of course dies not imply an underlying pathology, I hasten to add. However, as mentioned, you did press the 'opt out' button, although I do have to say, this sounds like your therapist trivialised what you identified as your presenting concern. That was disrespectful to you, and borders on the callous. I'd have questions around that therapists training background and methodology. The glaring omission was why you pressed this button in the first place.

I'd wonder what travelling would achieve in this regard. As it stands, your in a new place, with new people, but having the same experience. Travelling may change nothing but the scenery. As the saying goes, 'doesn't matter where you go, there you are'. I'd suggest perhaps researching what kind of therapy might work best for you. There are any number of diploma mills churning out 'councellors' in Ireland. At best, many are useless. At worst, others have gained just enough knowledge to think they know what they're doing, and can unwittingly do great damage in the process. Statutory regulation would go a long way to improving this situation, but as ever, is some way off in the future. 'Some counselling' is a very different proposition to 'the right therapy for the individual'.

Obviously, I can't recommend therapists or therapies on here, but if you clear it with the mods first, I'd be happy to chat by PM.

TheBeardedLady

OP I went travelling for 11 months on my own in South America and tbh, it didn't do much for my communication skills particularly, at least not in a way that was transferrable to the real world, although tbf, I wasn't as shy as you going.

Travelling and meeting people is a very different buzz to the real world. I'd very little opportunity to really form friendships with people as people were either travelling for a shorter time than I or going on a different route. Not to say you shouldn't go travelling but I don't think it's the magic bullet solution to your shyness that you think it is either. You certainly get pretty good at small talk if you go on your own as you're kind of forced to but people tend to be quite easy to get talking to anyway as everyone is there for fun (and often quite drunk) but I'm saying that as someone who doesn't suffer from serious social anxiety.

I think shyness is something you have to and can work on in your normal life - you don't need to travel thousands of miles to do that and perhaps it's better to overcome these feelings in real life situations as it's the real world you'll be living in for the rest of your life. You'll be exactly the same person in Peru as Ireland and you could get over there and find yourself very lonely - your shyness won't magically dissipate once you get off the plane and if you're very socially anxious, you could find the experience very overwhelming.

My advice would be to take steps here to push yourself and overcome anxiety THEN travel.

sadie9

Quietness is not a crime. I've always like quiet people better than loud people who constantly have to be yacking on.
OP, have you thought about trying something CBT for social anxiety. Maybe the problem you think you have is bigger than any actual problem you might have.
We have a lot of automatic behaviours that we don't notice. So we often don't notice our feelings and emotions causing us to behave in certain ways around other people. Eg. I am going to the canteen for lunch, I start to feel nervous (don't notice my sensations), then some thoughts appear (wonder if anyone to sit with, I look like a loner - but I don't notice the thoughts). Suddenly I am buying a sandwich and going back to my desk instead of staying. Or I'm so busying worrying about what to say that I forget what the conversation is about and never get a chance to say anything.
Mindfulness is another great way to learn to observe how we behave, without rushing in to judge ourselves.

I would also consider activities (or you mentioned travelling) where there is (1) enforced co-operation with others, (2) while doing a shared activity.
So not something like sailboarding where you go off on your own.
So for example a cookery course where you are all working together but are engaged in a task so your mind is distracted from the 'what are they thinking of me, don't know what to say, they will think I'm stupid etc).

There might be some social anxiety support groups out there. It's something a lot of people have.

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote: »

Why not try something like toastmasters? It's full of people looking to improve their speaking skills and has a social aspect to it as well?

Im actually going to toastmasters, its a v good way of improving if u have fear of public speaking, thats not really my problem TBH, I can prepare and give a speech

my level 1 speech I was told I was good enough for level 5-6 and was too compared to lots of others

the one thing that is v good at toastmasters for me is the topics having to speak on something at random, I admire the way lots of others are able to spin the topic even change the subject to what they have to say, for me with my one track mind I struggle with this

my problem is more just being quite in a group, if there were 5 people talking in a group id be like a lamp post TBH, something Im a bit worried about, or say a session in a pub or a party or anything like that I just can't talk naturally

ultimately id v much like to meet a girl but if you can't talk fluently to a group of people well not much hope with a woman is there

sadie9

Try reading this book it might change how you feel about things.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

by Susan Cain.

LegacyUser

my thinking behind the going travelling alone would be that it would be a sink or swim situation, that you would be forced to go talk to people and forced to interact with people in ways that Im just not used to..........maybe I would do just as well to go to a busy pub and start from there......

stickyfinger

If you're not interested in the travelling you would be better off going to a meetup group. If you tried a few you will get to meet other people who are interested in meeting new people, so less daunting than randomly striking up a conversation with someone in a busy pub, and you might find a hobby etc that you are interested in as a bonus. Try a few and see how you go, some are purely social groups so their main aim is to meet new people which sounds like what you might be looking for, others are hobbies whether sports or humanities related, might be good for having a topic of conversation already and something to talk around/about initially.

However if you really want to go travelling that's a different motivation all together, you might as a bonus improve your communication skills on your travels. Otherwise I just don't see that there would be any joy in forcing yourself to travel if it is not something you really want to do just for the sake of attempting to improve communication skills, and I don't think it would work...

That Quiet book recommendation is a good one too, there is nothing wrong with being the quiet person in a group, and if you're listening you can pick up cues on what people are interested in and ask them questions to start you off.

Est28

OP,
I'm a little confused by the negativity on this thread towards travelling.

I've done it myself a good few times now, travel alone. And it's fantastic. It's a challenge, it's difficult at times. But it's rewarding and it does infact force you out of your confort zone and to engage people.

Now of course, think it through, what you'd do, where you'd go, don't just up and leave. But as someone who's done it, I'd highly recommend.

Stavro Mueller

The thing about going travelling is that it might not solve your problems at all. You could easily move from one end of the world to the other without doing anything more than talking to the people you have to speak to: receptionists, people selling train tickets, waiters and waitresses etc. I think solving your problems closer to home would work better. Personally I don't see going to pubs alone as a good start at all.

sadie9

My point about the book recommendation is that my view is that change always comes from within. So seek to accept yourself exactly as you are first with all your behavioural strategies, without judging yourself then change is much easier/possible.
Otherwise we see others behaviour and make a cognitive comparison with ourselves eg. they are all great talkers and find relationships easy VS Me, I'm crap at that. Trying to change yourself from that judgemental aspect is difficult because its a constantly demotivating factor to try to live up a possibly inflated illusion you have about others being perfect.
there is nothing wrong with you whatsoever. you would like to engage in close relationships because rightly so that's important to you, however you find it difficult to establish them. Something inside of you tries to make you withdraw to keep yourself safe, and I'm talking about in situations where you feel vulnerable like one to one situations.

But the change comes from how you feel inside yourself. That's where 'comfortableness' with others or even 'accepting uncomfortableness' but carrying on anyway comes from.

Try this experiment with your inner feelings: next time you are seated at a table with people, take a moment and pause...
Look around at your workmates/friends whoever and ask yourself this question quietly in your own head. You have to do it when you are actually in their company because its an experiential thing:
"If these people knew, really, really knew, the sort of emotional pain I am sometimes in inside myself struggling with this...would they turn away from me...or maybe.. would they turn towards me with kindness and put their hand on my shoulder and say 'hey, buddy, I never knew you felt like that, I'm sorry you are going through this'". And just try to stay in that moment then for a few seconds just exploring it safely in your mind.
Maybe they have issues and huge vulnerabilities they struggle with inside that you don't know about, behind those easy-going chatterbox mouths.
What we are talking about here possibly is opening up a little bit emotionally, step by step. So a good place to start might be if you are stuck would be to be open and accepting of this aspect of yourself. You could even make a little joke out of it and say 'I am someone who struggles with small talk, I really find it difficult sometimes, I'm a work in progress you might say on that front!'.
Not to mention women love a man who is in touch with their vulnerable side.

Est28

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

The thing about going travelling is that it might not solve your problems at all. You could easily move from one end of the world to the other without doing anything more than talking to the people you have to speak to: receptionists, people selling train tickets, waiters and waitresses etc. I think solving your problems closer to home would work better. Personally I don't see going to pubs alone as a good start at all.

I see where you're coming from. But I think people are very quick here to drive others to distraction convincing them they have all sorts of mental trauma and need to be seeing therapists 24/7 to solve it.

None of us are doctors here, but I can only give my own experience of being a fairly quiet kid growing up and the act of travelling opened things up a lot. You COULD go abroad and not talk to a single soul but sometimes you HAVE to, you're forced to. People take more interest in you because you're new or different or from somewhere else. Also, because you know you're alone it can be easier to just begin talking to someone because you HAVE to.

It's also VERY liberating because it can make you feel like you are a totally different person, or at least you have a clean slate to present yourself to people any way you like that you wouldn't at home.


Now, nobody is suggesting it will fix all problems (though a bunch of you have already started typing your reply before even reading this part...) but how do we know? It might, it might not but it's certainly a changing experience. I think it's awful people are discouraging the OP if its something they want to do.

Remember this when EVERYONE here prescribes councellors/therapists for EVERY problem anyone has, imagine this:
- Someone is sad and lonely because they can't drive, so they can't see their friends who live in other towns, don't get out much, feel lonely and bad they can't drive.

BOARDS.IE Response: Go check into a hospital to be psycho-analysed immediately!?!?!?!?!?!?!111oneoneone. Spend YEARS talking about not being able to drive, mulling it over, seeing it from every side, spend thousands talking about it, and never, um... learn to drive.

Real World Response: Take driving lessons, in 2-3 months OP could be driving and popping over to their friends all the time, no more loneliness, OP feels happy and well... turns out the depression was not clinical but a symptom of something else which was easily fixed by real life action.

endacl

Est28 wrote: »

I see where you're coming from. But I think people are very quick here to drive others to distraction convincing them they have all sorts of mental trauma and need to be seeing therapists 24/7 to solve it.

None of us are doctors here, but I can only give my own experience of being a fairly quiet kid growing up and the act of travelling opened things up a lot. You COULD go abroad and not talk to a single soul but sometimes you HAVE to, you're forced to. People take more interest in you because you're new or different or from somewhere else. Also, because you know you're alone it can be easier to just begin talking to someone because you HAVE to.

It's also VERY liberating because it can make you feel like you are a totally different person, or at least you have a clean slate to present yourself to people any way you like that you wouldn't at home.


Now, nobody is suggesting it will fix all problems (though a bunch of you have already started typing your reply before even reading this part...) but how do we know? It might, it might not but it's certainly a changing experience. I think it's awful people are discouraging the OP if its something they want to do.

Remember this when EVERYONE here prescribes councellors/therapists for EVERY problem anyone has, imagine this:
- Someone is sad and lonely because they can't drive, so they can't see their friends who live in other towns, don't get out much, feel lonely and bad they can't drive.

BOARDS.IE Response: Go check into a hospital to be psycho-analysed immediately!?!?!?!?!?!?!111oneoneone. Spend YEARS talking about not being able to drive, mulling it over, seeing it from every side, spend thousands talking about it, and never, um... learn to drive.

Real World Response: Take driving lessons, in 2-3 months OP could be driving and popping over to their friends all the time, no more loneliness, OP feels happy and well... turns out the depression was not clinical but a symptom of something else which was easily fixed by real life action.

^^

Yeah. But that generally doesn't happen here....

sadie9

Est28 wrote: »

It's also VERY liberating because it can make you feel like you are a totally different person, or at least you have a clean slate to present yourself to people any way you like that you wouldn't at home.

Hmmm....Why would someone who accepts themselves want to feel like a totally different person. Escapism is fine in moderation as long as the return to plain old vanilla flavour earth doesn't start getting difficult to manage.

No one is arguing about travelling - it's great thing to do and take the opportunity when you can.
What we are discussing here is the OP's reason for travelling. He is trying to do some self-discovery work on himself and some of us are just suggesting that that work can be done here or anywhere in fact.

There is a big difference in a lone traveller going to a nice restaurant alone and taking their time over enjoying a nice meal...thoughts of what others think of them never cross their minds because they are reading or researching tomorrow's destinations or just looking around.
Or would they sit there getting through the meal as fast as possible to get out of the place because their mind is creating these thoughts that other people think they are some sort of odd 'loner' who can't talk to people...
From the outside viewpoint both people are single diners - no difference. But one person is relaxed and happy, the other is a bundle of self-doubt. The only difference is the thought patterns of one of them means they latch on to thoughts of self-doubt and spin them into meaning something bad about themselves. Sometimes so much so that it causes physically uncomfortable sensations of anxiety.
One is a person dining alone.
The other is a person dining alone. Oh, no wait, no... They have a bunch of neurons firing in their brain telling themselves they are an oddball loner dining alone.
So its not what you do, its what you think while you are doing it that makes it painful. Or indeed what you thought just before it that made you avoid it completely.
So next time you notice these thoughts of self doubt come into your head, tell them to 'jog on, nothing to see here mate I am sitting down beside these people at this table so get over it baby'.

When we were kids we could pretend we were a pony sometimes. We really felt like a pony trotting about the field, neighing, pawing the grass and suchlike as you do:D.
But feeling like a pony doesn't actually make you a pony.
Thinking you are a pony doesn't actually make you a pony.
Calling someone a pony doesn't actually make them a pony.
Calling yourself a loner doesn't actually make you a loner.
But thinking you are a pony can make you behave like a pony if you believe your thoughts.
You can have thoughts that you are a pony but just ignore them.
When we were kids we knew the thoughts of being a pony were just thoughts.
Somehow humans believe our thoughts when they suggest something bad about us. The thoughts lead us down the path of judgement and comparison to others. That can restrict our behaviour. So maybe your thoughts are not a fair assessment of the situation, they are a biased cognitive interpretation of the situation.
Better go, I have a bundle of hay in the barn with my name on it.;)

Est28

sadie9 wrote: »

Hmmm....Why would someone who accepts themselves want to feel like a totally different person. Escapism is fine in moderation as long as the return to plain old vanilla flavour earth doesn't start getting difficult to manage.

I think you're just arguing for the sake of arguing now. For the bajillionth time I repeat on this board... every last thing does not mean someone has chronic enreolvable mental illness.

There's a few very simple reasons that being somewhere you don't know anybody presents you with some with these oppertunities. In short it's because at home everyone has a routine, everyone has people who know them, know how they expect them to act and what they do.

When you go away, it blows up every routine you have, every percetpion anyone has of you. You're startgin from scratch. So if you act shy around the new people they meet, they'll assume you're shy, even if you're the most outgoing person at home. The opposite also holds true but given you're away and alone it's MUCH more likely you'll break out of your shell and talk to everyone. You sort of HAVE to... either to just get things done, or when you realize you ARE alone and just begin to chat up randomers.

Like, can we just get over this??? Oh, so you want to use the experience of travelling to push you into new situations and open yourself up, would certainly force someone who's annoyed at being quiet or shy out of their comfort zone and it's a great experience..... but OH NO!!! DING DING DING!!!! That's not the answers... that person must be in a mental home because the very idea of wanting to change or improve yourself is now diagnosed by the members of Boards.ie as some sort of borderline or pipolar disorder.... Come on now... get a grip... can we seriously get past this and stop giving the same advice to EVERYONE on EVERY issue and actually look at some facts?

If you haven't traveled yourself or haven't ever looked to improve or change something about yourself, more power to you, I'm sure you're perfect and good for you. But the rest of us have some ambition and go do things to make it happen.