Entrapment! The Magical Tent

WomanSkirtFan8

Okay,here is the latest version of the story about Andrea and her students. This is still a work in progress and this particular part is only just meant as an introduction and prologue:

Entrapment! The Magical Tent

Prologue

The situation in the tent was extremely cramped and it was rapidly getting worse. The three girls couldn't understand what on earth was going on, but one thing which they were certain of was that they absolutely had to get out of this tent.
"I don't know if I can take much more of this!" moaned Julie.
"Me neither," remarked Sonia. "And I thought that camping trips were supposed to be fun!"
"Can't you undo that zip at all Miss?!" Eva asked incredulously.
"I'm doing what I can Eva!" Miss O'Brien exclaimed in frustration as she kept tugging and pulling at the tent's front zip.
The girls all let out a collective sigh of quiet resignation. This was not what they had been expecting on this trip.
They had all been glad to get out of school for a few hours or so to accompany Miss O'Brien on this break, but now the three girls were seriously beginning to regret it.
"I never knew that tents could be so bloody stuffy!" Julie complained again.
"Well, that's probably due to the fact that you haven't been on many camping trips, have you Julie?" Eva inquired somewhat coyly.
"Actually Eva." retorted Julie. "I have been on numerous camping holidays before and I really enjoyed them."
"Now that's enough, you two." Miss O'Brien cut in rather sharply. "I'm doing what I can to try and get us out of here, but I'm afraid this fastener just won't undo! Oh! Bugger! THAT's done it! It's broken!"
"Oh well done Miss!" Julie remarked quite sarcastically. "Now you've trapped us in here!"
"Well, I'm sorry that you're disappointed Julie." Miss O'Brien replied equally as offhandedly. "But I hadn't planned that we'd all be in this situation. Sometimes things occur which you can't control."
"Well, this is just absolutely marvelous.... I don't think! Trapped in a tent! What on earth is next?!" Julie thought to herself.
But she didn't have to wait long for the answer.
As they all sat there, each of them trying to make some sense of what had happened, something really odd began to happen.
Eva blinked. She couldn't be entire sure about it, but she could have sworn that she had just seen the brown leather belt on Miss O'Brien's ankle-length black gypsy skirt just tightened itself up on its own!
Miss O'Brien gasped and then exhaled slowly as she felt this.
Eva and Sonia fought to hold their breath as the same thing happened to them.
"Gosh! You haven't put on weight again, have you Eva?"
"No, I haven't Sonia." replied Eva a little confused. "Although I must admit that my clothes have been feeling more than a little tight-fitting lately. It's really strange!"
Sonia nodded.
"I've been having the same problem. What about you Julie?"
Julie thought for a minute.
"Come to think of it, now that you both mention it, I have but I don't think......."
Julie's words gradually trailed off as a slight ripping sound began to be heard.
"Do you hear that?" she commented to the others.
"Yes. What IS that?" Sonia asked, looking more than a little worried.
The others didn't reply. They all began checking themselves extremely carefully.
Suddenly and without warning, all of them began to grow. They were all growing! Even Miss O'Brien was starting to grow!
Julie and Sonia both let out a yelp as rough, wiry, coarse hair began sprouting out from various different places. Eva, on the other hand, was in a state of slight shock. She began giggling at the other two, in particular at Miss O'Brien as the sound of ripping material began to fill the air.
As the scene rapidly descended into a chaotic one, Sonia let out another frightened yelp and closed her eyes. And then she fainted. :rolleyes:

WomanSkirtFan8

Entrapment! The Magical Tent
Chapter 1

(A few days earlier......)

Eva sighed with a sense of relief. She was glad that the school day was over. Her relief was tinged with a slight touch of quiet annoyance.

The reason for this was the fact that she now had to attend a detention period for mitching much to her disgust.

But her spirits rose a little when she learned that the school's geography and nature studies teacher, Miss Andrea O'Brien, was the one who was going to be supervising the class.

Eva really liked Miss O'Brien. She was one of her favourite teachers even though she could be a little bit grumpy at times.

Most of her fellow students also liked Miss O'Brien but naturally, as one would have expected, some didn't.

One of these girls was Eva's best friend, Julie. At 18 years old, Julie was someone who had a bit of a reputation around the school. Most of her teachers nearly always had numerous issues with her.

Miss O'Brien was no exception to this. Some of Julie's fellow students assumed that this was because of the fact that Miss O'Brien kept giving Julie detention, nearly always for mitching from school. Their relationship wasn't a particularly good one.

There had been numerous incidents involving the two. The most serious of these had beeen when Miss O'Brien had, falsely as it later turned out, accused Julie of having stolen her purse:

"But I didn't Miss!" Julie had quite vehemently protested.

"I don't want to hear any excuses Julie!" snapped Miss O'Brien. "I want to know what you did with my purse!"

Julie didn't reply.

Miss O'Brien adopted a slightly more serious tone of voice before speaking again.

"Very well then. Seeing as how you don't have the guts to tell me what you did, I'm just going to give you detention....yet again!"

"Oh no!" Julie moaned loudly.

"Come on Miss! Is that really necessary?!" Eva objected.

"Well you can join her in that detention class as well just for that objection Eva!" Miss O'Brien countered.

"Stupid bloody school!" Julie spat bitterly.

"Did you say something, Julie?!" Miss O'Brien interrupted somewhat sharply.

"That's it! I've had enough of this rubbish!" Julie spat again as she immediately stood up quite abruptly, nearly knocking over the chair in the process.

This very sudden and abrupt mild violence shocked both Miss O'Brien and Eva. While it was well known that Julie had something of a temper, to now actually see it, was quite a shock to the system.

Miss O'Brien instantly folded her arms, sighing extremely heavily as she did so. She knew that she had to take charge of the siutation. However, she also knew that she had to be very careful.

The school principal, Maureen Daly, had warned Miss O'Brien about her own attitude in relation to deal with studens:


("A teacher must always try and keep up a sense of absolute professionalism and responsibility." she had told her.

"I know that Maureen." Miss O'Brien had replied. "But it's just that those little brats really drive me crazy sometimes!"

"Relax Andrea! They're only young. You really need to try and get a grip. It would be a real shame if we were to loose you."

"Don't worry Maureen. I'll be careful."

"Good. See to it that you are!")
......

Miss O'Brien took a deep breath.

"Very well Julie.You don't have to attend the class."

Julie punched the air in triumph at this.

"However," Miss O'Brien solemnly continued. "That doesn't mean that you're not going to avoid any form of punishment."

Julie's face fell, darkening slightly.

"What exactly do you mean, Miss?" Eva inquired.

"Well, it's clear to me that you two do need to learn some sense of discipline. So I think a little trip outside school may just be in order."

"Like what exactly?"

"I'm not entirely sure yet. " replied Miss O'Brien. "I'll need some time to think."

Julie immediately grumbled at this.

"Well, I'm not going!"

Miss O'Brien very slowly got up from her desk. She paused for a moment but then very purposefully walked slowly over towards where the two girls were sitting together.

"Uh-oh!" Eva remarked rather softly. "Now, you've done it Julie!"

"Oh, shut up Eva!" snapped Julie.

With that, the two girls began squabbling amongst themselves. This went on for a few minutes until, Miss O'Brien finally snapped.

"Alright! That's enough! It's more than obvious you two also need to have a sense of humility drummed into you as well." she said.

This silenced both girls, who hung their heads in shame. Julie, albeit, somewhat defiantly.

Miss O'Brien took another couple of deep breaths before looking at her watch.

"Right then. It's five o'clock. Time we were all heading home."

Julie instantly leapt up like a jack-in-the-box and almost effortlessly, she picked up her schoolbag. Thrusting it over her left shoulders, she marched rapidly out of the room.

"What on earth are we going to about her, Eva?" Miss O'Brien sighed.

"I don't know Miss." replied Eva. "But something is going to have to be done soom. Miss Hume is still recovering from the paint that Julie spilled all over her in the art room the other day. Can't you use your, you know, 'talent'?"

Miss O'Brien firmly shook her head.

"No. I can't.It's too dangerous to use magic here in the school. And you must never mention that to anyone. Do you understand?"

Eva nodded slowly.

Then after a moment's thought, Miss O'Brien spoke again.

"But maybe, I could come up with something outside of school.But what?!"

"I'm going to head now." Eva told her.

"If you can hold on for a few minutes Eva, I'll give you a lift home."

"I.I.I...don't really want to intrude." Eva stammered, somewhat surprised at this sudden unexpected offer.

"Not at all. Anyway, I'll be heading that direction to get home myself."

"Okay then." Eva replied. "I'll see you in the car park in five minutes." she said as she left the classroom.

WomanSkirtFan8

A slightly improved version

Entrapment! The Magical Tent
Chapter 1


(A few days earlier......)

Eva sighed with a sense of relief. She was glad that the school day was over. Her relief was tinged with a slight touch of quiet annoyance.
The reason for this was the fact that she now had to attend a detention period for missing a class earlier that day much to her disgust.
But her spirits rose a little when she learned that the school's geography and nature studies teacher, Miss Andrea O'Brien, was the one who was going to be supervising the class.

Eva really liked Miss O'Brien. She was one of her favourite teachers even though she could be a little bit grumpy at times.

Most of her fellow students also liked Miss O'Brien but naturally, as one would have expected, some didn't. One of these girls was Eva's best friend, Julie. At 18 years old, Julie was someone who had a bit of a reputation around the school. Most of her teachers nearly always had numerous issues with her.

Miss O'Brien was no exception to this. Some of Julie's fellow students assumed that this was because of the fact that Miss O'Brien kept giving Julie detention, nearly always for mitching from school. Their relationship wasn't a particularly good one.

There had been numerous incidents involving the two. The most serious of these had been when Miss O'Brien had, falsely as it later turned out, accused Julie of having stolen her purse:
"But I didn't Miss!" Julie had quite vehemently protested.
"I don't want to hear any excuses Julie!" snapped Miss O'Brien. "I want to know what you did with my purse!"
Julie didn't reply.
Miss O'Brien adopted a slightly more serious tone of voice before speaking again.
"Very well then. Seeing as how you don't have the guts to tell me what you did, I'm just going to give you detention....yet again!"
"Oh no!" Julie moaned loudly.
"Come on, Miss! Is that really necessary?!" Eva objected.
"Well, you can join her in that detention class as well just for that objection Eva!" Miss O'Brien countered.
"Stupid bloody school!" Julie spat bitterly.
"Did you say something, Julie?!" Miss O'Brien interrupted somewhat sharply.
"That's it! I've had enough of this rubbish!" Julie spat again as she immediately stood up quite abruptly, nearly knocking over the chair in the process.

This very sudden and abrupt mild violence shocked both Miss O'Brien and Eva. While it was well known that Julie had something of a temper, to now actually see it, was quite a shock to the system.
Miss O'Brien instantly folded her arms, sighing extremely heavily as she did so. She knew that she had to take charge of the situation. However, she also knew that she had to be very careful.
The school principal, Maureen Daly, had warned Miss O'Brien about her own attitude in relation to deal with students:
("A teacher must always try and keep up a sense of absolute professionalism and responsibility." she had told her."I know that Maureen." Miss O'Brien had replied. "But it's just that those little brats really drive me crazy sometimes!"
"Relax Andrea! They're only young. You really need to try and get a grip. It would be a real shame if we were to lose you."
"Don't worry Maureen. I'll be careful."
"Good. See to it that you are!")
......
Miss O'Brien took a deep breath.
"Very well, Julie. You don't have to attend the class."
Julie punched the air in triumph at this.
"However," Miss O'Brien sternly continued. "That doesn't mean that you're not going to avoid any form of punishment."

Julie's face fell, darkening slightly.
"What exactly do you mean, Miss?" Eva inquired.
"Well, it's clear to me that you two do need to learn some sense of discipline. So I think a little trip outside the school may just be in order."
"Like what exactly?"
"I'm not entirely sure yet. " Miss O'Brien said. "I'll need some time to think."
Julie immediately grumbled at this.
"Well, I'm not going!"

Miss O'Brien very slowly got up from her desk. She paused for a moment, but then very purposefully walked slowly over towards where the two girls were sitting together.
"Uh-oh!" Eva remarked rather softly. "Now, you've done it Julie!"
"Oh, shut up Eva!" snapped Julie.
With that, the two girls began squabbling amongst themselves. This went on for a few minutes until, Miss O'Brien finally snapped.
"Alright! That's enough! It's more than obvious you two also need to have a sense of humility drummed into you as well." she said.

This silenced both girls, who hung their heads in shame. Julie, albeit, somewhat defiantly.
Miss O'Brien took another couple of deep breaths before looking at her watch.
"Right then. It's five o'clock. Time we were all heading home."
Julie instantly jumped up like a jack-in-the-box and almost effortlessly, she picked up her school bag. Thrusting it over her left shoulder, she marched rapidly out of the room.

"What on earth are we going to about her, Eva?" Miss O'Brien sighed.

"I don't know Miss." replied Eva. "But something is going to have to be done soon. Miss Hume is still recovering from the paint that Julie spilled all over her in the art room the other day. Can't you use your, you know, 'talent'?"
Miss O'Brien firmly shook her head.
"No. I can't. It's too dangerous to use magic here in the school. And you must never mention that to anyone. Do you understand?"
Eva nodded slowly.

Then after a moment's thought, Miss O'Brien spoke again.
"But maybe, I could come up with something. But what?!"
"I'm going to head now." Eva told her.
"If you can hold on for a few minutes Eva, I'll give you a lift home."
"I. I. I... don't really want to intrude." Eva stammered, somewhat surprised at this sudden unexpected offer.
"Not at all. Anyway, I'll be heading that direction to get home myself."
"Okay then." Eva replied. "I'll see you in the car park in five minutes." she said as she left the classroom.

WomanSkirtFan8

Here is a revised version of the prologue. I know its a bit long!

Entrapment! The Magical Tent (Prologue)

Julie And Eva jostled together at the front of the tent as it began to enclose in on them. Their teacher, Miss O'Brien, kept a careful watch from behind them, a faint mischievous smile on her face. She grinned as she watched the two girls push and shove each other.

"Take that back!" Eva snapped.

"Get off me or I'll kick you where it hurts!" Julie countered.

After a few more moments of this ridiculous carry on, Miss O'Brien had had enough.

"Alright you two! That's quite enough!" she snapped.

Both girls jumped with fright at this as the sharpness of the sound kept ringing in their ears.

"Why, oh why do you two have to be so disruptive?" Miss O'Brien sighed as she shook her head in dismay.

Miss O'Brien then crawled on her hands and knees up to the front of the tent until she found herself in between both girls.

Eva grinned as she looked quite lustfully at Miss O'Brien/



("She's a very sexy woman! God! I absolutely love her!")


Julie's reaction, on the other hand, couldn't have had a more polar opposite point of view.



("She'a a right bitch! I bloody well hate her!")


Miss O'Brien sighed, looked directly at Julie and shook her head.

"I heard that, Julie!" she said sternly, pointing a finger at Julie.

"Yeah!. You heard her!" Eva said as she pounced on Julie for a second time.

"Now don't start that again!" Miss O'Brien said. But she was too late.

Within seconds, the girls fight had erupted again, only this time more viciously.

Miss O'Brien was now faced with a problem. She knew that she had to do something to try and get the two girls to settle down somehow. Then, she had an idea.

She closed her eyes. Then, slightly bowing her head, a flame of bright-blue colour emitted from botb of her hands.

Julie and Eva both let out a pained yelp as this flame shot out and hit both of them around the ribs area. They both jerked as they felt this small electric shock. This immediately silenced both of them.

"Now that was just a little something to keep both of you quiet!" Miss O'Brien quite rather icily. "Any more messing and you'll both get an even greater shock! Do you understand?"

Both girls nodded rather meakly and rubbed themselves.

As both girls tried to recover from the shock, Julie noticed two small bottles of liquid. One was a lime-green colour, the other a navy-blue.

"What is this then, Miss?" she asked as she held up one of the bottles.

"Don't touch that, Julie. It's quite serious stuff!" replied Miss O'Brien.

"But what does it do?!" Julie persisted.

"Just don't touch it!" Miss O'Brien repeated extremely firmly. "Eva, would you be so good as to get that off her please?"

"Of course, Miss?" Eva said as she shuffled over to Julie. "Come on Julie! Give me that bottle!"

"Come and get, Eva!" Julie countered.

"Okay then. I will!" Eva said as she made a lunge for the bottle.

There was a bit of a rough and tumble tussle between the two as they struggled together.

"Be careful!" shouted Miss O'Brien rather urgently.

Too late!

The bottle cap suddenly came loose much to the immediate dismay of Miss O'Brien. Before any of them could react, some of the navy-blue liquid splashed all over the three of them.

"Now look what you've both done!" exclaimed Miss O'Brien. "Do either of you have any idea as to what that was?!"

The two girls shook their heads.

"Well...." Miss O'Brien said as she glanced down at her now unravelling shoe laces. "I think we're all about to find out.....!"

And she was absolute right.

For no sooner had the words escaped from her lips, then the strangest things began to happen.

Miss O'Brien was a woman of a fairly average healthy weight. This was obvious by all of the slightly tight-fitting flirty shirts and tops that she usually wore. She was a little bit plump around the waist area, though.

She gasped and took a number of deep breaths as she felt her chest blowing up enormously like a balloon. Her lips were tense and her cheeks were a scarlet red as she tried to hold her breath in.

"Hey! Where did this come from?!" Julie yelled as she held up a large tuft of reddish-hair.

But neither of the other two answered her as they were both beginning to experience their own individual problems.

"Oh my!" Julie exclaimed as she put a hand over her mouth. "I don't know how to tell you this, Eva but you've grown whsikers just below your nose!"

Eva, shocked by this, immediately put her hands to her face, only to discover that they had indeed somehow got smaller. Her skin had changed colour too.

Instead of it being its usual soft, pale beige colour, it had now become a coarse, fairly prickly amber colour.

"What on earth is happening to us?!" Eva cried in panic. "What are we all turning into?!"

Julie didn't reply. She was absolutely transfixed by her now-deformed hands. They appeared to have grown longer and much more curved with her fingertips now much more pointed.

Extremely loud, sharp ripping sounds then began to be heard as various stitches and seams began to strain and give way.

Miss O'Brien was now on her hands and knees again. The pain that she had been enduring had now become so intene that it had bow caused her to exhale very heavily as she tried to regain her breath.

She had her hand spread out at her chest as enormous and extremely thick, prickly, wiry tufts of rusty amber-coloured hair rapidly sprouted out over the waistline of her long black gypsy skirt, it's French seams firstly, splitting but the material tearing as various other threads unravelled and gradually gave way with the material finally ripping and shredding itself to absolute pieces, much to her horror.

("Oh no! This is deffinately NOT what I had planned! Oh crap! Not my best clothes!")


With the situation in the tent now completely out of control, things rapidly descended into an almighty crescendo of absolute chaos as all other clothes suddenly burst open together at the same time.

From outside the tent, the whole thing looke completely insane. The tent bulged about so much that the tent pegs were pulled clean out of the ground and were sent flying like bullets out of a gun. The ropes wriggled and whipped about like two coiling snakes. It was almost as if the tent had a mind of its own!

By this point, the sounds of animals fighting amongst themselves could be heard from within the tent. Within minutes, there were multiple ripping sounds from the tent as it made one last final protest before it finally collapsesd. As it did so, three woodland animals (a deer, a rabbit and a squirrel) all made their escape from the burst and torn remains of the tent......:)

Geniass

Hello,

Okay, this took an unexpected twist.

I had read the opening prologue (first one) and had started making notes, but kept on reading and saw the second prologue and gave up.

In summary the first prologue seems to be written with children in mind, maybe 8 to 10 years of age, although I'd still have changes in mind, but then reading the second prologue version it switches to being wholly inappropriate for such a young age.

With such conflicting styles I'm at a loss to add anything else.

WomanSkirtFan8

Geniass wrote: »

Hello,

Okay, this took an unexpected twist.

I had read the opening prologue (first one) and had started making notes, but kept on reading and saw the second prologue and gave up.

In summary the first prologue seems to be written with children in mind, maybe 8 to 10 years of age, although I'd still have changes in mind, but then reading the second prologue version it switches to being wholly inappropriate for such a young age.

With such conflicting styles I'm at a loss to add anything else.

Thanks for having a look. Am still developing the story slightly. Appologies for the confusion but I am actually aiming at the 16 to 18 year age group. Probably should have said "students" as opposed to "girls". Again, thanks for the imput.

Geniass

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Thanks for having a look. Am still developing the story slightly. Appologies for the confusion but I am actually aiming at the 16 to 18 year age group. Probably should have said "students" as opposed to "girls". Again, thanks for the imput.

Quick question. What's the purpose of this piece? Is it to hone your writing or is the act of writing enjoyment enough?

Geniass

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Appologies for the confusion but I am actually aiming at the 16 to 18 year age group.

One other thing in the mean time. There used to be a magazine called Just Seventeen aimed at girls, and aparrently no self respecting 17 year old bought it. It was read by younger girls aspiring to see what 17 year olds were up to.

Actual 17 year olds were reading the likes of cosmo. Therefore, just because your story features 17 and 18 year old girls may not mean it's target audience is the same age.

WomanSkirtFan8

Geniass wrote: »

One other thing in the mean time. There used to be a magazine called Just Seventeen aimed at girls, and aparrently no self respecting 17 year old bought it. It was read by younger girls aspiring to see what 17 year olds were up to.

Actual 17 year olds were reading the likes of cosmo. Therefore, just because your story features 17 and 18 year old girls may not mean it's target audience is the same age.

Right. I have heard of that particular teen magyears azine and having thought about it, I can see your point. Teenagers around that age probably are more interested in reading more adult things, I suppose.

Also, on serious reflection, I'm now starting to lean more towards this being a children's story. When I children's story, I'm talking about maybe 8 to 12 age-wise.

WomanSkirtFan8

Geniass wrote: »

Quick question. What's the purpose of this piece? Is it to hone your writing or is the act of writing enjoyment enough?

Yes. I usually do writing tend to write these little tidbits in order to try and see if i can develop my writing style a bit more as I feel that it's a little bit static at the moment.

I'm really hoping to eventually get to a point where, as you read it, you can almost feel as if its really happening in real time. That you can almost actually feel it happening.

Geniass

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Yes. I usually do writing tend to write these little tidbits in order to try and see if i can develop my writing style a bit more as I feel that it's a little bit static at the moment.

I'm really hoping to eventually get to a point where, as you read it, you can almost feel as if its really happening in real time. That you can almost actually feel it happening.

I'm on my phone at the moment, but will get back to you in detail on the last piece you wrote tomorrow morning.

Geniass

As promised. I've laid out where I think you can make improvements, but it's entirely subjective so feel free to ignore. It's just one person's opinion.

“Julie And Eva jostled together at the front of the tent”

The tent? What kind of tent, a three man tent or a tent where you could fit a couch into. You need to transport the images in your head onto the page. We won’t know otherwise.


“After a few more moments of this ridiculous carry on, Miss O'Brien had had enough.”

You shouldn’t have to tell us there was ridiculous carry on, the actions of the girls should convey this.

“a faint mischievous smile on her face.”

I never found out why Miss O’Brien had a mischievous smile on her face. Is this important, if not lose it.

“Eva snapped.” “Julie countered.” I believe these are wasted words at the end of dialogue. The dialogue itself should be enough for us to realise Eva snapped and that Julie was retorting.

"Why, oh why do you two have to be so disruptive?" This actually went unanswered, even though this was where we came into your story, the two girls were fighting. Why? If it’s not important for us to know it’s not a good place to start your story.

"I heard that, Julie!" she said sternly, pointing a finger at Julie.

Heard what, have you lost something due to the editing process or can she read minds? If so you need to clear that up.

("She's a very sexy woman! God! I absolutely love her!") It goes without saying that if you’re writing a kids book that needs to go.

"Take that back!" Eva snapped.

"Get off me or I'll kick you where it hurts!" Julie countered.

These are chances to introduce your younger characters. Later you go into great detail describing what Miss O’Brien is wearing, but these two characters are colourless. I don’t mean describing what they are wearing, but giving detail about their character. Why should we care about them, why should we dislike them? Are they sympathetic characters or people we hope get their comeuppance.

"Of course, Miss?" Eva said as she shuffled over to Julie. "Come on Julie! Give me that bottle!"

Writing good dialogue is very tough. Just like the narrative every single word needs to demand its presence on the page. Writers also deviate from real dialogue by not having people saying, ‘Hah?’ or mimicking the mundane conversations we all participate in real life. Each sentence needs to move the story along in an interesting way, not just move the conversation on for the sake of it.

Once you’ve figured out who the story is aimed at, it will help a lot. The most important advice I’d give you is to read published work from the age group you are targeting.

“Miss O'Brien was a woman of a fairly average healthy weight. This was obvious by all of the slightly tight-fitting flirty shirts and tops that she usually wore. She was a little bit plump around the waist area, though.”

This paragraph is a bit clunky. It’s 39 words long and could probably be reworded in less than 10 without losing what you are trying to get across. There’s an exercise where you take what you have written and quite happy with, say a 200 word section and force yourself to write it in say 150 words without losing the essentials of the story you are telling. I think you might benefit from such a technique.

I liked the transformation scenes, I feel these are your best. It seems like you were having fun writing it, and it comes through. The latter part of the story is far better than the start. I wonder if this is because the start has been re-edited to death?

You have the germ of a story, and the best of luck with it.

WomanSkirtFan8

Geniass wrote: »

I liked the transformation scenes, I feel these are your best. It seems like you were having fun writing it, and it comes through.

Yes they are and I did. I've always been fascinated by these kind of stories .I wasn't too sure whether or not to have Miss O'Brien transform first or last?

WomanSkirtFan8

Just done a bit of an edit on the prologue here:

Entrapment!: The Magical Tent
Prologue (Version 3)

Julie And Eva jostled together at the front of the tent as it began to enclose in on them. Their teacher, Miss O'Brien, kept a careful watch from behind them. She sighed heavily with quiet resignation.
"Take that back!" Eva snapped.
"Get off me or I'll kick you where it hurts!" Julie countered..
"Alright you two! That's quite enough!" Miss O'Brien commanded.
Both girls jumped with fright at this as the sharpness of the sound kept ringing in their ears.
"Why, oh why do you two have to be so disruptive?" she sighed again. "I thought that the two of you were supposed to be best friends?"
"Well it's all her fault!" Eva snapped. "She was the one who spilt that paint all over Miss Hume in the art room. "But oh no! You had to blame me, didn't you, Julie?!"
"Yeah! So what?!" Julie retorted quite arrogantly. "What about all the rumours about you then, Miss?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, there's a rumour going around the school saying that you're a witch! I'd say that, if that's true, then you're the one that has the most to lose here! Not me!"
"Well. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" Miss O'Brien said somewhat dismissively. "I'm NOT a witch! And even if I was, I certainly wouldn't be stupid enough to go around telling everyone about it!"
Julie exhaled heavily and turned her head away. Miss O'Brien exhaled slowly as she shook her head in dismay.
"I think we need some air in here!"
"Good idea, Miss!" remarked Eva, as she pulled at her shirt collar. "It's getting a little hot and stuffy in here!"
"Well, take off your jumpers if you're warm, for goodness sake!" Miss O'Brien exclaimed in frustration.
AS Julie and Eva took off their school jumpers, Miss O'Brien crawled on her hands and knees up to the front of the tent until she found herself in between both girls who began pouncing on each other again.
"Now don't start that again!" Miss O'Brien said. But she was too late.
Within seconds, the girls fight had erupted again, only this time more viciously.
Miss O'Brien was now faced with a problem. She knew that she had to do something to try and get the two girls to settle down somehow. Then, she had an idea.
She closed her eyes. Then, slightly bowing her head, a flame of bright-blue colour emitted from both of her hands.
Julie and Eva both let out a pained yelp as this flame shot out and hit both of them around the ribs area. They both jerked as they felt this small electric shock. This immediately silenced both of them.
"Now that was just a little something to keep both of you quiet!" Miss O'Brien quite rather icily. "Any more messing and you'll both get an even greater shock! Do you understand?"
Both girls nodded rather meekly and rubbed themselves.
As both girls tried to recover from the shock, Julie noticed two small bottles of liquid. One was a lime-green colour, the other a navy-blue.
"What is this then, Miss?" she asked as she held up one of the bottles.
"Don't touch that, Julie. It's quite serious stuff!" replied Miss O'Brien.
"But what does it do?!" Julie persisted.
"Just don't touch it!" Miss O'Brien repeated extremely firmly. "Eva, would you be so good as to get that off her please?"
"Of course, Miss?" Eva said as she shuffled over to Julie. "Give me that bottle!"
"Come and get!" Julie spat back.
"Okay then. I will!" Eva said as she made a lunge for the bottle.
There was a bit of a rough and tumble tussle between the two as they struggled together.
"Be careful!" shouted Miss O'Brien rather urgently.
Too late!
The bottle cap suddenly came loose much to the absolute dismay of Miss O'Brien. Before any of them could react, some of the navy-blue liquid splashed all over the three of them.
"Now look what you've both done!" exclaimed Miss O'Brien. "Do either of you have any idea as to what that was?!"
The two girls shook their heads.
"Well...." Miss O'Brien said as she glanced down at her now unravelling shoe laces. "I think we're all about to find out.....!"
And she was absolute right.

For no sooner had the words escaped from her lips, then the strangest things began to happen.
Miss O'Brien was a woman of a fairly average healthy weight, though a little bit plump around the waist. She gasped and took a number of deep breaths as she felt her chest blowing up enormously like a balloon. Her lips were tense and her cheeks were a scarlet red as she tried to hold her breath in.
"Hey! Where did this come from?!" Julie yelled as she held up a large tuft of reddish-hair.
But neither of the other two answered her as they were both beginning to experience their own individual problems.
"Oh my!" Julie exclaimed as she put a hand over her mouth. "I don't know how to tell you this, Eva but you've grown whiskers just below your nose!"
Eva, shocked by this, immediately put her hands to her face, only to discover that they had indeed somehow got smaller. Her skin had changed colour too.
Instead of it being its usual soft, pale beige colour, it had now become a coarse, fairly prickly amber colour.
"What on earth is happening to us?!" Eva cried in panic. "What are we all turning into?!"
Julie didn't reply. She was absolutely transfixed by her now-deformed hands. They appeared to have grown longer and much more curved with her fingertips now much more pointed.
Extremely loud, sharp ripping sounds then began to be heard as various stitches and seams began to strain and give way.
Miss O'Brien was now on her hands and knees again. The pain that she had been enduring had now become so intense that it had bow caused her to exhale very heavily as she tried to regain her breath.
She had her hand spread out at her chest as enormous and extremely thick, prickly, wiry tufts of rusty amber-coloured hair rapidly sprouted out over the waistline of her long black gypsy skirt, it's French seams firstly, splitting but the material tearing as various other threads unravelled and gradually gave way with the material finally ripping and shredding itself to absolute pieces, much to her horror.
("Oh no! This is definitely NOT what I had planned! Oh crap! Not my best clothes!")
With the situation in the tent now completely out of control, things rapidly descended into an almighty crescendo of absolute chaos as all other clothes suddenly burst open together at the same time.
From outside the tent, the whole thing looked completely insane. The tent bulged about so much that the tent pegs were pulled clean out of the ground and were sent flying like bullets out of a gun. The ropes wriggled and whipped about like two coiling snakes. It was almost as if the tent had a mind of its own!
By this point, the sounds of animals fighting amongst themselves could be heard from within the tent. Within minutes, there were multiple ripping sounds from the tent as it made one last final ripping protest before it finally collapsed. As it did so, three woodland animals (a deer, a rabbit and a squirrel) all made their escape from the burst and torn remains of the tent......

WomanSkirtFan8

Entrapment! The Magical Tent
(Chapter 1)

(A few days earlier......)

Julie and Eva sat nervously at their desks.
"Well!" remarked Eva a little coldly. "That's another awkward situation you've managed to get both of us into, Julie."
"Oh shut up, Eva!" Julie snapped.
"I don't understand it, Julie. Why do you always have to pick on me?. What have I ever done to you?!"
Julie just huffed and began sulking.
Just then, into the classroom swept their teacher, Miss Andrea O'Brien.
She was a rather attractive woman with long, shoulder-length curly dark-brown hair and navy-blue eyes.
"Well now!", she remarked somewhat sternly. "You two are really something. That was quite a mess that was made in the art room earlier!"
Miss O'Brien paused for a moment, but then walked quite slowly over to where the two girls sat.
"I don't suppose either of you would care to tell me which of you started that arguement?" she asked coyly.
The two girls said nothing.
Miss O'Brien the continued.
"Now. I had a talk with Principal Daly and we've decided that you two need a break from school."
"Really, Miss?" Eva asked as she perked up a little.
"Yes. It's obvious that you both need to have some sense of teamwork and discipline drilled into you, so I've organised a camping trip for the last day of term on Friday. You will both be part of it!"
Julie began to moan.
"Oh no! Well!, I'm NOT going! I don't like camping! Tents are always cramped and stuffy not to mention claustrophobic!"
Miss O'Brien kept eye contact with Julie, not flinching for a second.
"You're GOING, Julie!" she said very firmly. "Otherwise, you'll both be in detention every day next week if you don't!"
"You can't me me! You don't have that authority!" Julie spat back.
Even though she knew that Julie was trying to provoke her, Miss O'Brien nonetheless managed to keep her cool.
"I think you'll find that I actually DO!" she replied cooly.
"Come on Julie! Let it go!" Eva urged. "Think about it. Would you rather be here in school, or would you prefer to be out on a school camping trip?!"
Julie thought about this for a moment, but then very slowly nodded.
"Okay! I'll go!" she grumbled.
Miss O'Brien relaxed, satisfied with Julie's reply.
Just then, the school bell rang.
Julie got up, grabbed her schoolbag. After thrusting it over her shoulders, she bounded, almost effortlessly, out of the room.
Eva shook her head and then followed her.
Miss O'Brien sighed and shook her head.

WomanSkirtFan8

here's Chapter 2:

Entrapment! The Magical Tent
(Chapter 2)
As Miss O'Brien made her way out of the school that evening, she had no idea that she was being watched.
"So! There you are, Andrea O'Brien! I have a personal score to settle with you! You won't get away from me this time!"
************
On the following Friday afternoon, the end of the school term, Miss O'Brien took Julie and Eva on the campint trip that she'd mentioned. Everything had already been cleared with both the school and the two girls' parents.
As they walked through the heavy leaf-strewn forest, leaves and twigs rustled and crunched under their feet.
There was a smell of fresh woodland in the air, tinged with slight burnt odour.
Above them, tree branches overhung the path in various twisted and deformed shapes. It was almost as if they were lunging out in an attempt to try and grab them.
For above them, birds soared and swooped in the pale blue sky. Others were nestled up on various tree branches chirping and singing. It was a very happy and peaceful scene.
"So much life!" remarked Eva. "Nature really is beautiful!"
"I hope that both of you really learn to appreciate everything that you see all around you." Miss O'Brien said as she pointed a scolding finger at the two.
"Oh please! Not another lecture!" Julie moaned.
Miss O'Brien justb simply ignored Julie. She continued on until she reached a small wooden glade.
While Miss O'Brien and Eva began setting up their three-person tent, Julie walked over towards a small hill.
As she bent down to pick up some firewood, she thought that she saw a brief flash of movement.
Before she could say or do anything, a trio of fairies suddenly flew up out of a hole in the side of the hill.
Julie stared in awe at this as they began buzzing and flying around her face.
"What shall we do with her?!" one cried.
"Turn her into a snail!" answered the second.
"No! Thats much too easy!" said the third. "What about a nice slimly slug?!"
Julie froze to the spot.
"Leave her alone at once!" a firm voice from behind them suddenly commanded.
Julie turned to see Miss O'Brien as she stood there with her hands on her hips and a frown on her face.
"Julie! Come here!" she said very firmly.
Scared out of her wits, Julie nodded and hurried over to Miss O'Brien.
"Now. You go back and help Eva. I'll join you both in a few minutes." she told her.
Julie nodded and ran back to Eva.
Miss O'Brien then turned to the three fairies.
"So you three are still causing mischief! You never learn do you?"
"Well. You're a fine one to talk!" exclaimed the largest of the trio. "How many 'mysterious incidents' have occured because of you then, O'Brien?"
"Don't be ridiculous!" snapped Miss O'Brien. "I haven't casued any 'incidents' as you put it."
"Haven't you?" the eldest fairy asked coyly. "What about those women from Cork who disappeared without trace?"
"Not to mention all those other young women from Glenmallen who just upped and mysteriously vanished?" the third fairy chimed in.
"And now here you are." the large fairy said again, this time quite sarcastically. "On this supposed 'camping' trip to try and teach those two young girls some sense of discipline? Don't make us laugh!"
A furious Miss O'Brien suddenly lashed out, lightning bolts springing from her fingertips like a group of greyhounds all out of their traps.
The three fairies were sent flying in all directions. The eldest one landed, head first, in a clump of rather prickly thorny bushes.
The other two landed in the branches of a tall oak tree with an extremely pained yelp.
"Well'll get you for this!" the shouted at Miss O'Brien.
"I'm not really that bothered!" Miss O'Brien announced somewhat sarcastically. "But that is what happens when people make me angry. I will tolerate no more messing! Is that clear?"
"Well then. If that's the case, you and your two friends are going to find out exactly what happens when anyone makes us angry!" they threatened angrilly.
With that, they simply disappeared back into the deep undergrowth.
Miss O'Brien just simply shook her head and then walked back to rejoin Julie and Eva.

WomanSkirtFan8

Julie and Eva jostled together near the front of the small four-person tent. In front of them their teacher, Miss Andrea O'Brien, tugged and pulled furiously at the front fastener in an attempt to try and get it open. She huffed and grunted.

"Come on! Open!" she muttered.

Eva gasped suddenly as she looked down at herself.

"What is it Eva?" Miss O'Brien asked concerned. "Are you okay?"

"Emm....Yes....I'm okay Miss!" replied Eva rather hurriedly.

Miss O'Brien then lowered her voice and spoke gently.

"If there's a problem Eva, you know that you can.....Ohh! My Goodness!"

Miss O'Brien grabbed a nearby towel.

"Here use this." she sighed.

"Thanks Miss but I don't know if yopu've noticed it but you seemed to have just....you know....'let go'.?!"

"What on earth do you mean Eva?"

Eva pointed.

Miss O'Brien looked down and gasped in horror.

Julie giggled and pointed at the two women.

"It's not funny, Julie." rebuked Miss O'Brien.

"Don't mind her Miss." Eva replied. "She's always causing some form of trouble or other."

Julie continued to giggle but then the exact same thing happened to her. She let out a few profanities which Miss O'Brien then frowned on.

"Thats not very lady-like Julie." she said sternly.

Julie just continued to ignore her. Miss O'Brien signed and shook her head.

"What about that zipper then, Miss?" Eva chimed in.

"Oh...yes Eva. Thank you for reminding me. Now let's see if we can get that zip open...."

*****************

Outside the tent, just a few feet away, stood the evil fairly queen, Roisin Dubh. With a raven perched on her left shoulder, she had a wicked smile on her face.

She cackled.

"Perfect! Now then Andrea O'Brien! I've finally got you exactly where I want you! After all these years you won't humiliate me anymore! Time to tighten screws even further."

She put her raven on her hand and placed a small vial of magical dust in its beak.

"Fly my beauty." she commanded. "Sprinkle that growth dust all over that tent and we will have some new animal slaves to serve us!".

With that, the raven almost effortlessly took to the sky.

*****************

Back inside the tent, Miss O'Brien made one final attempt to try and undo the the front zip....but then it broke much to their dismay.

"Oh that's just wonderful Miss! Now you've trapped us in here!" exclaimed Julie.

But Miss O'Brien didn't reply.

"What is it Miss? You seem to be a little distracted." Eva inquired.

"Something's coming! I can sense it!" Miss O'Brien replied almost absentmindedly.

"What exactly does she mean 'something is coming', then?" Julie demanded to know.

"You know as much as I do, Julie." Eva shrugged.

But before Julie could reply, all three of them suddenly began to grow.

They all gasped as they all felt their clothes tighten up on them.

"What's going on here?!" Julie yelled in panic.

"I don't know!" cried Eva. "But I've got a feeling that something's gonna burst!"

Miss O'Brien put her right arm up to the roof of the tent.

No sooner had the words escaped from Eva's lips, then material began to shred and tear itself from their clothes.

Miss O'Brien stopped what she had been doing. She felt her chest blow up even more than it already had done up to this point. The remaining buttons struggled desperately to hold themselves together but eventually let go. From underneath, came a sudden flash of prickly, rusty-brown clumps of fur. She grunted; with every second becoming more and more animal-like."

There is a lot more to come with this. At this point, the burst-out is only just beginning. All three women, in case its not clear, are transforming all together inside the tent which is eventually going to collapse.:)