End of the road. And tbh, I couldn't care less.

LegacyUser

I don't even know where to start honestly. I've spent just about 20 years, lying through my teeth to everyone I've ever known. Any time a question such as "How are you going?" was uttered in my direction, it was met with "Great now, yourself?" And basically everything from there.

I was bullied into the ground from the day I set foot in a school to the day I feigned happiness at my leaving cert results. They weren't bad, considering, I just couldn't actually extract anything from them. They meant nothing to me. Nothing did and nothing will. I... fought at home as much as I did at school because while my parents were great people, they were old school. It was my fault, I must have been acting the eejit and I needed to stop expecting the world to fall at my feet. The teachers were as bad. I fought a war on every front and all I have to show for it now, seven years after school is a sense of dirty pride that no one ever even knew I was. I have no money, no freinds, no relationship prospects and always knew I wouldn't. But I... "went through the motions" anyway. I got up and went to school because God help me if I didn't. I went to "freinds houses" where I was basically a punching bag, to avoid rows at home over why I was the "black sheep". I spent three grand of my parents money on school trips where it was much the same but came home with fantastic pictures and stories. In school, My home life certainly Wasn't a case of simply doing chores and dreading having to go in again. After school, at any jobs I was incredibly liked, the favourite joker, all that ****e.
This fraud was necessary. Anyone who's ever met "me" has met only the person I constructed. From the people I worked with to the good people I deliberately risked my life with in the escape of jail time and pursuit of some kind of thrill to the two people I've ever met in my life that I could actually call "freind". Except I couldn't because they unwittingly interacted with the same old shell. We've drifted apart, like I do with everyone. And I feel like I should regret that I lied like that but I won't, because every single one of these people would have wanted nothing to do with the sad, tired, worn out depressed old turd I was busy shining. My only hope every single night was that I wouldn't wake up the next day, since ever before I even started secondary. All I've done with my youth is "exist" because I know what It would do to my family If I decided to finally finish my journey ahead of time. Whether they deserve such consideration may be up for debate but regardless, It takes a lot of energy to hide that, to use that weapon of guilt against yourself and get out of bed in the mornings, smile and laugh when it's right to do so and function as you are expected to. Energy I'm pretty much out of now. Last year I quit work as I didn't have enough energy for both. I was honestly hoping I'd be gone before I wound up without enough energy for even one. I sustained a painful injury to my right, upper leg that needs crutches for a little while. I was eaten without salt for trying to make breakfast this morning. I succeeded but it was every bit as awkward as you might imagine. I almost snapped back about how I managed to take a dump, shave and shower myself last night on one leg but I held my tongue and took my lumps.
"It's alright to ask for help, lad. You obviously need it".
I don't think he quite realised the implications of what he said but he wouldn't either. And in a weird way, It makes me feel like I actually achieved something in that he, or anyone else, wouldn't. As the ad says, you wouldn't hide a broken leg. And it hit me as I locked my room door and pretended to fall asleep. I bloody well would! You can hide a mental struggle as long as you have the energy. The only reason anyone knows I'm having a physical difficulty is because the two ****ing crutches are giving it away! :mad: I've had physical problems for years too. Very low energy, bad back and a troublesome joint to name but a few. You can hide them till it gets too difficult. But that was the thing that hit me. It's all I've ever done. Hide everything. It's all I've ever known. I'll never have a relationship because I can't let anyone in. I just can't. It's all I've known, all I've ever excelled at and now, it's all I am. To me, sat on my chair having come this far, resisting drink and drug abuse, resisting the temptation to jack in the entire lot, it's the end of the road. There are no other turns. I've been called twice since I started writing this and can't even bother to answer because I've run out of reasons to. I have literally no money. My bank closed the account. And my cash will have run dry in a few days. My phone is out of contract. I have no car, no life, no freinds, no penalty points or convictions, in fairness, an open wifi channel, Ive lost interest in everything that made up who I was and I'm starting to lose focus. I will die before I walk into a doctor or anywhere else and admit what I've essentially done is used my youth to build a house without any foundations. I'll never put the few people left in my life through the undeserved guilt theyll put themselves through, should I tell them everything. I know this is a big post but it's the tip of the iceberg. I'm not saying anything else because no one deserves to know at this stage. If anonymity or a proxy server wasn't an option, I would die before posting this. I've said that word a lot now, haven't I.. Don't bother locking the thread. I may want out but I don't care enough to disable my cars emissions control system and finally, properly go to rest. The window has passed. I can't change but I'm not going off to top myself so you may rest easy, there. No need for a lockup but I suppose you'll have to, in case someone, somehow says something that could send someone who's made it his life skill to deflect some of the nastiest comments ever made, into nothingness. Better chance of some ice sinking the Tita- Er, a bullet sinking a battleship.
So why even write this massive wall of ****e? I don't even know. I don't want or expect anything from it and I care even less. Mabye a warning, to anyone in the same boat, of which I don't doubt there are many. You might think you can do it. But you can't. You might not even get as far through life as I have, you might get much farther. But you'll end up in the same place I have, guaranteed. Think long and hard before resolving to the choice. Keep your freinds, keep low insurance, keep job and travel prospects open? (Canada and Australia will straight up refuse you citizenship if you have physical and mental health complications) Or lose quite a few friends and opportunities, but at least retain genuine happiness. That said, If someone has genuine advice. A solid way forward for me to continue as I have been, or at the very least without letting anyone know what I've really been doing, I'm all ears. I'm not a bitter man but I can't shake out of my head, the dirty feeling of saying too much, even here. Like I'm giving away something of myself that no one deserves to have. Christmas was always the biggest challenge. Pretending to want something (cheap, importantly) and being "the life and soul" of the thing. I barely made it through easter. Unfortunately, I truly can't see it happening again. All I see, should I drive over the ditch and plough on regardless, is me becoming "that arsehole" and losing the one last thing I have left. Being "A Sound Skin". The post is all over the place but I've never really done this. I suppose I should feel happy that I "got this off my chest" but looking at the submit button now, I honestly don't. If I said everything, It wouldn't change the fact that it still happened. Thanks.

Mayboy

Hi,

This seems to be a difficult day for you and there seem to be a lot of difficulties in the past. What one thing could you do now that would (in a healthy way) get things to be a bit better for you?
Have you any support network or anyone you can call on. It is possible to turn things around, one tiny piece at a time.

Blue Iris

Whether you believe this or not, I just wanted to say you are a person of worth and value. It doesn't matter what you've done, the mistakes you've made, the hurt you've caused etc. You are still a unique human being with a unique personality and you have the capacity to make new choices for yourself to improve your life. You can't assess yourself based on your lack of material things. All true worth is something internal and innate. It was good you posted, it was reaching out and this is what you need to do more of to get yourself out of this black hole. Pick the kindest person you know and tell them the truth, open up, let someone help you. You deserve it.

Mayboy

I wanted to second what the poster above said. No matter what happens you can build a new start. Reach out, here or to someone you know to help you.

Faith

Hi OP,

Gosh, it does seem like you're in a dark place. You say you don't want help, but you've reached out here, so you clearly do. How would you like to be helped? What could someone do that would help you?

You say "That said, If someone has genuine advice. A solid way forward for me to continue as I have been, or at the very least without letting anyone know what I've really been doing, I'm all ears." Why do you say you want to continue as you have been, when it clearly makes you desperately unhappy? Would you rather continue as you are, or face your fears and do something that terrifies you but could ultimately free you from this mental prison you've constructed? There is help available, but you need to be open to it, and you need to ask for it.

Pessimist

Whatever you're feeling or not feeling, or done or haven't done - one thing's for sure - you sure can write. What you've expressed into words, onto your laptop or phone, is raw, emotional, honest. You felt it. You wrote it. And I for one, felt every word. So, regardless what you do it who you are, you have a gift. You don't have nothing, you could articulate into words real emotion, and that's something.

LegacyUser

Well I just wanted to say that your post resounded with me. I have felt similar. Today I got in a panic thinking about my life (or the lack of fulfillment in it) and walked by a church and pushed on a close door (albeit I sort of anticipated it would be closed), I'm not religious at all but thought maybe I could find a moment to breathe and think clearly in a quiet place. You have had a tough time in life, it's okay if that has impacted on you emotionally, that is allowed and normal, and as much as you seem to somehow dislike the sound skin part of you, it is indeed a part of you, many good qualities, we are a mix bag of happiness, sadness, elation, despair. Talk to a friend/family member (you do have them), listen to some music, look after your emotional well being. Take care.

Saralee4

Op everyone to a certain extent puts on a 'face' for other people. We are not totally honest to our boss, we sometimes hold back when someone is irritating us because we know they either don't mean it or we feel they are being self centered even though part of us is saying "what a little shxx", we don't tell our best pal what an obnoxious bf she has because we know deep down there's no point because she wouldn't want to believe it, we hold our breath when our next door neighbour brags about the latest accessory they got for the house or whatever.

In your case, it sounds like you have a difficulty with showing any kind of vulnerability to people. Everybody is vunerable sometimes. It's nothing to be ashamed of. when you don't show that to people, they assume that you are ok. So they won't go out of their way to help you with anything like your physical problems simply because they don't know you are hurting physically or emotionally.

when you don't show that side of yourself, other people tend not to show that side to you so much because people usually bounce off one another and that'show we relate to other people it's about trusting people and in turn they trust you. It's not anything particular just developing relationships where you care about people and they in turn care about you. They start to recognise when your not your best and you know you can rely on them and them you. Everyone has positive and negative sides. Slowly we reveal our positive and negative traits to people as the relationship goes on. You just have to take it slow. We learn to trust and understand one another and accept faults and weaknesses in other people because it's human and we relate to that because we also have weaknesses and negative traits.

When you don't open up to people, they in turn don't truly open up to you and it can become a vicious circle of unfulfilled superficial relationships.

You seem very in tune with how you are feeling and self awareness is a great thing (a lot of people don't question themselves) . I think the problem here is learning to trust that people are not as judgemental as you might think and relating and opening up to people is scary but a lot more rewarding than you think (I must add though sometimes it can be disappointing when your not on the samepage but when you are, its really positive and enjoyable to be around those people) .

I would say that I'd relate more to you by your post than any of that too proud to talk stuff you seem to do or any of the false acts you say youve put on over the years. I bet most people would want to get to know the guy who posted here.

Rubberchikken

hi op
don't know if you feel a little better today or not. good post imo even though you'll probably agree that it doesn't solve anything. and you're right.

i agree it's great to get things 'off the chest' and that's not a bad thing until a person is ready to do something about their life.

you wrote a very good post. i realise that you may not appreciate that at the moment but it's the truth.
i do get the stock response to others asking 'how are you'. even if i was falling down, my answer is always a cheery 'grand, couldn't be better' type of response. to me it's always seemed the easiest thing to say. a cop-out maybe, but i've always figured no one might want to hear that at a particular moment i'm crying inside.

but the thing is some people do want to listen and help. and it takes just saying 'i'm feeling lousy' to start that conversation, plus the courage to do it, i suppose.

and i think you have courage in spades. you've dealt with a lot and can still write a long post that i was willing to read the whole way through.

take care

LegacyUser

Thanks for the words, folks. I reread the post. It may have come across as defensive to the point of being aggressive but that's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. I'm not a jealous or bitter man but god knows it's easy to be one.. If someone comes to me and tells me all about their new car/great relationship/job etc etc, I will be glad that they've managed it. Just more so frustrated at myself. I've helped people in their time of need too, which I suppose is ironic now. I have a family member who was able to say they were depressed and all that, without the argument or the escalations to physical confrontation. How did they do it!? I wasn't loud or obnoxious when I tried. It was quietly uttered through an unattractive snot bubble! Mabye I was too young to be taken seriously when I tried? I've helped this person greatly, nonetheless and they don't even know why I might be so good on the subject. I don't mind it, but it gets difficult to hear this person complain about how they had freinds in school willing to talk, freinds in collegewilling to talk, cooperative parents, easy acess to medication, all that stuff. I "tested the water" once, with a freind a few years back, truthfully. Vaguely too and I immediately saw a "smile and nod" response while they started to back off. I get that my yonger sibling is down and needs help, but when they can look me in the eye and say I would find it difficult to understand, or far worse, brag that their experience has made it easy for them to tell that someone is suffering and they offer help.. The urge to show this person a little perspective becomes very hard to tie down. They complain about people "prying" and how they shouldn't because there's nothing they can do. Well... that's the thing, if you don't want people talking to you about your problem, the general idea is that they don't know there is one to begin with :rolleyes: .
In any conversation, I listen and people talk. 9/10 I can't get a full section in without being interrupted and talked over again. That you liked my post makes me happy. I do appreciate it. This person contacted me via messaging one night and I gave advice over text. You can't interrupt a text, you can't ignore or gloss over it, you have no choice but to hear what I have to say. Their mind, and I quote, was blown that I was so helpful and yada yada, yada, yada. Tbh I just gave a generic "Glad I could help. Anytime " message and left it there. I meant it too, I just couldn't bear another second of their "surprise". I'm not a jealous man. But I wish I could understand where I went wrong time after time. And go back in time and either fix it or just die fighting. My parents and this sibling are the only people I interact regularly with anymore. I don't know If I could bring this to bear at them now, Ive tried in the past and failed. The arguments were just too much it was easier to just pretend and deflect. I was small then, I wasn't strong enough to force my point across. If I tried now and an argument erupted... I really don't know what I wouldn't do... They're good people. Just incredibly stubborn. If it went the other way and they suddenly took everything in, I know theyd kick and punish themselves for the rest of their lives, despite it not even remotely being all their fault. They were simply a cog. And I'd honestly rather anything than put them through that. It would open less questions if I just went to rest. This is still Ireland so it'll be "Ah, his nerves must have gone. Sure jesus he only fixed my brakes last week, and had me in tears laughing. Something must have come over him over the weekend, was he injured? Feck what a silly thing to go out over".
No one would be blamed. I dunno. I got some sleep so the heads clearer anyway. It's nice to write, I can take my time to think (something extremely difficult to actually do, lately) and I can't be interrupted but I really do feel like I have said too much now. Thanks for the kind words. **** it, I'll figure something out. Find another filling station while I stroll on this sunny day with my jerry can in hand.

It was genuinely nice talking, folks.

Phonehead

Wow!! what a powerful story! Your ability to put your feelings into words is phenomenal. The fact that you acknowledge and can so clearly communicate such personal inner turmoil tells me that you could help others in the same boat as you, those who are suffering in silence like you have done for so long.

shaymus27

Hi Op,

I'm sure myself and lots of people should have gone to a psychologist or someone for help over the years but didn't. Males especially don't like to admit vulnerability. You probably should go to a psychologist or some group for help. You are in a low enough place so why worry about talking to someone who is probably a decent person?

If you talked to someone no-one else needs to know so they won't be feeling guilt or anything if they don't know what you are saying.

You don't want to admit vulnerability and would rather suffer in silence. Well if you are as low as you seem why not say ***k it, what have I got to lose by seeking help.

One thing that I get the impression of is that you haven't always been surrounded by the nicest of people. Simply engaging with a group or psychologist will put you in touch with people who are most likely decent people. You would be surprised how just meeting and talking to people who are so decent that you won't have to feel the need to hide your self.

As far as I can tell one of the reasons for your image is because of the people who are/were around you. When you meet nicer people their attitudes might enable you to be more yourself. If you could develop interests and seek people who are decent, you might find you can be you. Being around idiots will have meant you distorting your behaviour to cope with their stupidity. Being around decent people might enable you to just be yourself.

Do as I say, not as I have ever done and get help. It's actually a sign of strength to seek help if you need it so see seeking help as bravery and strength, not weakness.

Best of luck.

Faith

Your posts are so full of contradictions that no wonder your head is wrecked! You poor thing, you really can't see the wood for the trees right now. That's one of the ways that depression really gets you. It makes it so hard to focus and see clearly.

You are desperate for help. That much is painfully obvious to anyone reading your posts. You're also terrified of actually reaching out for that help. What a wretched place for you to be. My heart really goes out to you.

You speak of your family in totally opposing terms. On one hand, you mention that there was physical and emotional abuse, and on the other, you say they're good people. If you had to decide, which group would you put them in? Abusers or supporters? I ask because the answer influences whether you should go to them for help or not.

I think for now what you would really benefit from is someone just hearing you. You've reached out here, but I strongly advise you to phone a service like The Samaritans. You say you get talked over all the time - well, they'll just listen. You can pour it all out to them without anyone's eyes glazing over, or telling you about their struggles instead, or talking over you. Best of all, it's totally anonymous so no one has to know who you are if you don't want them to. When you're ready, they can point you in the direction of some resources you might find helpful.

If you're willing to take just one small step towards helping yourself, I really think that's where you should begin. It's a wonderful service where no one will judge you or talk over you or try to force you down a path. Try calling them now, and just see how it goes.

JillyQ

Op i have read your post and to honest i feel like i kinda know what you are talking about, just remember you are a person of value and dont loose sight of that.

Hannibal Smith

You're worth listening to. If you're trying to tell people and they're not hearing you that's them. I know I could never put into words some of the things I think. Its because of crap from the past. I think when you hide something for so long you become isolated and even if people get to know you, they'll never 'know' you. And how can you open up to people if you don't feel close enough to them. And that just drives you further and further into your own thoughts

You have the most amazing grasp on your on thinking. Its just your vision of yourself and your own self worth that needs attention. I don't know you so to try and lift you with the good person you are would be shallow. But you are hugely important to those around you.

j80ezgvc3p92xu

OP have you ever picked up the Bible? I know it sounds cliche but I know people who have completely turned their life around because of this one little book and its message and their situation was way worse than what you describe. Nothing to lose, all to gain (:

Klingon Hamlet

Op you are an incredible writer. Your voice is so clear that I feel like I've met you. If there's a silver lining it's that you have an as of yet unexploited talent that I think you should now turn to for fulfilment.

Write write and write some more.

As for all the overlapping emotions that you feel, the weird contradicting layers, that's all down to you doing what you had to do to survive. There's a strong sense of self criticism in your tone, you seem to blame yourself for the mess you're in but none if it is your fault. Every child deserves a happy and safe home and when that doesn't happen, which is more common then you think, it can lead to a lot of deception and self isolation to keep the prying eyes if the world from seeing your aching misery.

You are a survivor. A successful one. That stands to your own convictions, inner strength and determination to continue where others might have run away or worse. Be proud.

Pieta House offer free counselling sessions which I would highly recommend. They would give you a welcoming ear and space to breathe and talk with out fear of losing their trust. I say call them.

I hope all gets better for you. I hope you treat yourself nicely from now on. You do what you do because of what's been done to you. We are often a reflection of our upbringing. Any faults lie with those that brought you up. You've just taken the tools handed to you and grafted a life you can manage. But that life is weakening under the weight of your own true self discovery. You realise how you deserve better.

YOU deserve to be happy. HAPPY.

Good luck op. Keep us all posted. We all want you to be OK.

LadyAthame

OP i know a male friend who like yourself have recently lost considerable mobility in one leg and is on crutches he found out today he will be for life. I was angry for him I have seen what it's done. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE MENTAL ANGUISH PHYSICAL ISSUES PUT YOU UNDER.

Don't choose people who hurt you to be around out of loneliness they are full of nothingness and need you more than you need them but are scared of this. You don't need them.

Accept yourself. Be yourself. My mate rants about what is now his disability a lot I am glad he does. It's needed sometimes. As regards nasty comments well you have to options stay in the pain zone or get into the anger zone. People fear getting angry because they fear another dig well get angry about that too.

You are hurt, depressed and hiding it.

Like I'm giving away something of myself that no one deserves to have.

You are denying yourself to yourself. You deserve self acceptance.

Please stop using energy to hide and use it to seek help and get better.

LadyAthame

I will die before I walk into a doctor or anywhere else and admit what I've essentially done is used my youth to build a house without any foundations.

Please don't let this be the case. You know you titled this thread the end of the road. Whenever something ends something else begins. The image of a sound skin is not supposed to be a cage. The only thing better than being perfect ...is being you. ..perfectly you. I think you have allowed people to drain you negative people and you are in a dark place right now. This end is also beginning. Reach out to a professional and you will find a calm kind ear. Let go of negative people.

Be kinder to you.

You communicate and express feelings well. Even is it's sadness it's beautiful because it's human and it's you. Take care.