Life's a mess

Rose_S

Any advice appreciated thx

Sleepless and Manic

Oh you poor thing. i'm sorry for your issues.

Trust is a huge issue. And healing trust that has been lost is a massive task.

Counselling is good. The GP is good too.

Big Bag of Chips

From that it sounds like you're not in a good place to be concentrating on a rocky relationship. Pledge to give yourself 1 year to sort yourself out, away from him. What you two had isn't a good relationship. Relationships aren't supposed to be filled with drama, anger abuse etc.

I think he had enough of you so ended it. I think he tried to keep you in the wings incase he didn't find someone else. He's sort of interested in you until someone else comes along. I just don't think he's as mad about you as you are about him.

Your behaviour has been less than flattering. Screaming, shouting, interrogating, throwing drinks. What you really should do now is concentrate on sorting yourself out. And that has to be away from him. Once you have gotten yourself sorted you can then consider revisiting your relationship with him. But I suspect once you value yourself more you will realise that this was a distructive relationship, and you will never want to go back.

Rose_S

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Relationships aren't supposed to be filled with drama, anger abuse etc.

LegacyUser

Rose_S wrote: »

And when did I get to the point where a relationship had the power to do this to me it's v anti feminism

Sorry, what on earth does that mean?

You behaved dreadfully - and you've only stopped screaming at HIM in the past month? That is just appalling. You betrayed his trust - worse, with his best friend. I don't think you are in any position to be screaming and throwing drinks and talking about trust. Tbh he shouldn't have said that he'd take you back, he clearly hadn't got over your betrayal. That was a mistake on his part, and I think he may have been trying to hurt you back - or simply didn't trust you and was hedging his bets.

You need to step away from him, the relationship is well and truly over, and toxic for both of you. I do feel for your pain, but you have to accept your part in causing this mess - tbh it sounds as though you are brushing that under the carpet and blaming him right now (even blaming him for trust issues, come on OP!). Walk away, stop torturing yourself - and him - and work on sorting yourself out so that you never get into such an awful situation again.

Big Bag of Chips

Your life isn't better now. Your title is that your life is a mess. Your relationship isn't better now. You have said you are tortured by it. You've just stopped saying all the things out loud, but you are reliving everything over and over in your head.

Trust me, OP, a relationship that has made you feel suicidal is not a good relationship. And I don't think it ever can be. Too much has happened. And now out of fear of going back to the way things were there are a lot of things that you are not saying and bottling up.

For your own sake, be single for a while. Then you only have to concentrate on you. If you two are meant to be happy ever after he will appreciate that you need to do this for your sake, and his. Your relationship isn't fixed now. It's going through a quiet period. With everything going on in your head that can't last. You will either explode at him again some day, or you will bottle it all up and breakdown under the stress of it all.

This is not a good relationship.

If you are determined to stick it out than you have to accept your part in prolonging these horrible feelings that you are having. Keep going to counselling. Take whatever medication you are prescribed and try to be kind to yourself and to him.

mapaca

This relationship is making you miserable, I think you would be better off out of it. Whatever happens, I hope you will keep getting help, keep seeing your counsellor, keep talking it through. You can get better, and stronger. Don't give up on yourself. All the best.

Rose_S

The anti feminist thing was a bad joke.
You are all telling me things I don't want to hear.. But I know you are probably right.
Also, we only got back together a month ago hence why I stopped "screaming". We were in contact the whole time (not a good idea at the time)
You may roll your eyes and think I'm barking mad but im going to give it a go.
One thing I keep forgetting is that I betrayed the trust first. Thank you for mentioning that. Somehow I've been so mad at what he's done in mean time I forget I started this drama. He says if we can get through this we will get through anything. I honestly believe that there is hope. I've tried taking a break to sort myself out but we are good friends and it's impossible to not talk to each other. I want to concentrate on making myself well at the same time as keeping things slow with him see how we go.. And I miss him so much I feel like the last six months we were broken up anytime we did meet up and talk wasn't meaningful. We were just going through the motions of draining off emotions.
Any advice as to actually make it work be great.. I know I know it appears doomed and if it is, It is...

Big Bag of Chips

If you really want to make it work then you have to be able to be completely honest with each other. If you are holding things back that you want to say, then that's wrong. If he's holding things back, that's wrong.

Screaming, shouting, arguing is not the way forward. You have both behaved badly. Yes, you started it, and behaved like a crazy woman for a while, but he didn't exactly cover himself in glory either. You need to "reset to zero". Start at the start. Clear the air about everything. Then if there's something you feel the need to say, think about it. Think is it something that is truly bothering you, or is it something that you are building up in your head. You can't keep going over the same arguments and bringing up the same issues. If you accept what has happened and agree to move on, then you have to move on.

Otherwise you will be stuck in an endless cycle of feeling exactly as you are now.

I have no idea why either of you want to be back with each other. Genuinely. You sound like someone who has a real anger issue. I really think you both should separate and get yourself sorted.

Est28

I guess it would be easy to break down all the individual parts here but all I can say to sum up this guys is ....

SO.MUCH.DRAMA.

Holy crap, why don't you forget this guy and leave him behind, far, far, behind. He sounds like he's trying to create some sort of movie or TV drama going on here. Is this real life?

I mean, ok, if you got too drunk and made a mistake... it happens. If it's not a regular thing, you made a mistake, don't let it happen again. If it WERE a problem with drinking then take care of that but this sounds like a once off drunken mistake. Don't let it happen again, move on and all's good.

But he wants to Dramatize it... all the while HE'S getting drunk? Wait just a second until I can stop LOLing here...

Then the texts, the messages, the snapchats... Oh my god. Seriously. Get your phone, find his contact and DELETE, DELETE, DELETE and get on with your life. Best advice you could get here.

IlmoNT4

OP, I think you need to take a very big step back from this. You dont sound in a very good place. I think it would be best to step away from this person and get yourself into therapy. You need support.

Lifes too short for this nonsense... A relationship is suppose to be something great and positive in your life, not vodka fuelled fights, trying to hurt each other. It should have ended the night you tried to kiss his friend. This was a red flag for you OP, your drinking too much because...... ? All that anger inside of you, thats not because of your current boyfriend but its coming from another place.

You need a break, some time out of relationships and time to develop a relationship with yourself.

Blue Iris

Taking your request at face value about how to make it work, these are just a few thoughts.

- Listen deeply to what the other is saying about how they are feeling.

- Accept the feelings of the other person, even if you don't agree with them, they are experiencing them.

- Each let the other be themselves without trying to change them. Value the essence of the person.

- Speak to each other respectfully. Honour the dignity of the other.

- Be truthful. If you're feeling hurt, disrespected or devalued, say it as soon as you can, without blaming him but just letting him know that you value yourself and will stand up for your own truth. Allow and encourage him to do the same.

- Take space from each other to think and have quiet time.

- Consider starting a gratitude journal, where you write down all of the things you appreciate about him and the experiences during the day that you've enjoyed or that have meant something to you.

- Laugh as often as you can. Let him know that he makes you feel good.

- Be kind - to yourself and to him.