Overbearing Parents

ruaille buaille

Hi Everyone, just looking for some advice please.

I am a female in my 30s and live with my partner. My parents still insist that I go to their house for dinner at least once a week, if not more. I have a difficult relationship with my parents and would prefer not to do this. My mother still treats me like a child and is very judgemental and controlling towards me. I suffered from depression and anxiety as a teenager and she did not help me when I told her about it and told me it would be best to not tell anyone and just get over it. It was only when I had moved out of home in my twenties that I finally got help. I realise that my parents are from a different generation where you didnt speak about your emotions etc. but I felt that she was just not there for me at all. I feel even now she still wants to control me. She still insists on giving me a bag of groceries every week and also sometimes clothes. I have repeatedly told her I don't want them but we kept arguing so now I just take them. She is constantly telling me what to do and making disaproving comments etc. I have tried to cut down on the amount of time I spend with them but she makes me feel so guilty and says things like how I am selfish, how I'll be sorry when she is dead and that she will cut me out of the will. I seem to be getting nowhere by trying to explain to her that I am busy etc and cant call to her all the time. I feel so stressed everytime I have to visit them but if I dont then I feel guilty. Dont know what to do....

MrWalsh

ruaille buaille wrote: »

She still insists on giving me a bag of groceries every week and also sometimes clothes. I have repeatedly told her I don't want them but we kept arguing so now I just take them.

Just dont take them and refuse to engage in an argument over it. I mean it, leave the bag on the floor and say "bye so" and walk out.

ruaille buaille wrote: »

She is constantly telling me what to do and making disaproving comments etc.

End conversations where the comments are disapproving by saying things like "While you are entitled to your opinion, I am entitled to live my life as I choose" and if she continues say "I dont want to talk about this" and if she continues.....leave.

ruaille buaille wrote: »

I have tried to cut down on the amount of time I spend with them but she makes me feel so guilty and says things like how I am selfish, how I'll be sorry when she is dead and that she will cut me out of the will. I seem to be getting nowhere by trying to explain to her that I am busy etc and cant call to her all the time. I feel so stressed everytime I have to visit them but if I dont then I feel guilty. Dont know what to do....

Stop explaining, just say you cannot make it and dont brook any further conversation on it. Just refuse to engage.

Yes you will feel guilty and worried - but you will deal with that.

Your big problem is that you are worried about the consequences of refusing to play ball and you are probably worried about confrontation. Just switch off your phone and watch a film.

Laugh it off next time and tell your mother to stop acting like a crazy person trying to control you.

You can make changes but you have to be willing to tough it out for a bit.

Matteroffact

Your parents are just stuck in the old fashioned way of doing things. They care about you but they should realize that you need your space. I think it would be best if you had a chat with your mother and just told her that you don't want to be stuck in a routine where you have to visit on a special day, that you need your weekends to chill out and that you have no intention of ever leaving it too long before you visit, but that it may not always be once a week. Just tell her that she needs to understand this and that it doesn't mean you don't care. Say it all in a nice way, and don't rise to it if she starts to argue. Just calmly explain that you need time at weekends to do the things you don't have time to do during the week. Could you just phone her at weekends instead of always having to visit.

shaymus27

Nice of your mother to threaten to cut you out of her will.

Nice of her to use emotional blackmail about her dying one day so you better do what she says in the meantime.

Nice of them to not offer support when you needed it when you were younger.

They sound fairly self-absorbed and not considerate or respectful towards you.

I have come to the conclusion about relatives that the way they make you feel is a good indicator of whether they are worth bothering with.

Self-absorbed people seem to think the world should tip-toe around them but they don't have to watch what they say or do. You should worry about how they feel and how you talk to them but they don't have to worry about how you feel and how they talk to you.

Sometimes relatives are self absorbed people. Do you endure their behaviour just because they are relatives? Would you endure it if they weren't?

heldel00

Are you an only child OP or youngest? Have you siblings that you could talk to or share the awkwardness of the dinner?
I have seen this before with someone I know. Mother never ever told them she loved them (just made snide comments and sarcastic jibes) or showed any affection towards them and feeding/cleaning up/laundry etc was the only way she could show that she cared. She never left the house/met up with friends/had any hobbies and was just very,very lonely.

Meauldsegosha

Your thread is titled "Overbearing Parent" but your post is mostly about your mother. How does your father act when your mother is giving out to you?

heldel00

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Your thread is titled "Overbearing Parent" but your post is mostly about your mother. How does your father act when your mother is giving out to you?

(Totally off point - I love your username! That's what my granny used to call me)

Mayboy

Hi,

but she makes me feel so guilty You have a choice here! It is entirely her stuff that she is shoving onto you - just say 'hmmmmm when faced with a difficult question and don't engage. After a few goes she'll realise it takes two to play and you are leaving the pitch..

ruaille buaille

Mayboy wrote: »

Your big problem is that you are worried about the consequences of refusing to play ball and you are probably worried about confrontation. Just switch off your phone and watch a film.

This is true. I feel that it would be easier if I just played along and smoothed everything over. I am afraid of the confrontation. I also feel guilty and upset because I know that she is very lonely and doesnt work or have any friends etc. I feel that it is my responsibilty to be in contact with her and that I am obliged to see her regularly. I hate to think of her upset and crying etc. because I am not spending time with her. I feel I should help her because she is unhappy.

She never left the house/met up with friends/had any hobbies and was just very,very lonely.

Yep thats exactly the way my mother is too. It makes me so sad because I would hate to end up like that myself.

How does your father act when your mother is giving out to you?

I get on with my father ok. He is a typical Irish dad in that he doesnt like to talk about things. He generally doesnt get involved with any of this. The few times that I have tried to talk to him about it he has told me to just keep my mother happy. He generally just wants a bit of peace.

Are you an only child OP or youngest?

I have a younger brother who still lives at home with my parents. He is in his late twenties and doesnt work. He actually never really held down a job. He is painfully shy and I dont really talk to him that much as he keeps to himself when I'm in the house. Our relationship is generally non-existant.

MrWalsh

ruaille buaille wrote: »

This is true. I feel that it would be easier if I just played along and smoothed everything over. I am afraid of the confrontation. I also feel guilty and upset because I know that she is very lonely and doesnt work or have any friends etc. I feel that it is my responsibilty to be in contact with her and that I am obliged to see her regularly. I hate to think of her upset and crying etc. because I am not spending time with her. I feel I should help her because she is unhappy.

Its nice that you are concerned about her not having any work or friends, but these things are as a result of her own life choices and you shouldnt feel any responsibility or guilt for these things. People have to be responsible for themselves.

You are not obliged to spend time with her. You are particularly not obliged to spend time with her when that time is used for her to goad and upset you. She is not bringing anything positive to your life, in fact she is a toxic presence in your life and she wasnt there for you when you needed support with anxiety etc so there really is no need for you to feel that you should be there for her. A healthy relationship is not one sided.

If she is unhappy that is her choice. You cannot live another persons life for them. Happiness comes from within.

Id say your brother is also damaged from the environment he lives in. It is very telling that you have a non existent relationship with him, often siblings of toxic parenting just cannot relate to each other, never form bonds because their upbringing drives a wedge between them. A life of resentment and wishing the parent was happier and feeling guilty about that doesnt foster healthy sibling relationships.

I think you should gently distance yourself, become less available, deal with the guilt yourself, maybe go and talk to a professional about it.

But most of all I think you should educate yourself on toxic families and the types of outcome that a toxic environment has on an adult child. There are a lot of good books out there on the subject.

Emme

Here is an interesting link:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Narcissistic-Parent-Answers/140962406067146