Too single?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I’ll try keep this short. Im a late 20s woman and I’ve been single most of my life. I’ve dated lots over the years and have no problem attracting men, I’d be considered quite pretty and take good care of myself.
But for whatever reason, probably being very career driven and spending lots of time living all over the world and being quite single minded…a relationship has never really happened for me. I’ve had flings and lots of hookups and lots of dating etc, but no one I could call my boyfriend to this point.
I’m not particularly depressed about it - I think I rather enjoy being single and I definitely need a lot of personal space. I’ve had a great life and I really enjoy my own company. But I’m reaching the stage where Im starting to think about long-term and worried that the way my life is and the way my brain is from being single so long, Im getting a bit worried about the future.
I do want to settle down with someone eventually, marriage and babies and all of that, and I’ll be 30 soon, not exactly getting any younger.

My issue is I’m so used to dating different men and things ending and moving onto someone new, that I feel I’ve become commitmentphobic or something and don’t quite know how to make a relationship happen.
Most recently I’ve found I’d rather spend time in my own company or on my own hobbies rather than go on dates. Maybe because I’ve met lots of men I’m not that interested in and the ones I am are all in relationships or unobtainable. I suppose like everyone I’ve been hurt in the past too so find it hard to be forward when I meet someone I like, but in truth it’s been ages since that has happened. So it means I meet lots of guys, but nothing meaningful ever really happens and eventually things fizzle.

I’d love some advice from anyone who may have had a similar situation or might have some insight into how I can change things. I don’t really have confidence issues, I know I’m a catch  I guess I know that I’m attractive and intelligent and driven and with a lot to offer - I don’t think self esteem or lack of confidence or whatever is an issue. I’m just a bit bored of the conveyor belt that is the dating world and would like something a bit more meaningful.

Blue Iris

I think that you have probably put your finger on it when you mention the hurt you've experienced. It has made you cautious, which is normal and understandable. The main way to really fall for someone and feel a deep connection is to open your heart fully and let yourself feel deeply. If you've been hurt a few times, then trust is hard, making it harder to let yourself open up at a feeling level. While caution is wise in the early stages while you're sussing out what someone is like, it becomes self defeating once you've realised that they're a lovely person and worth connecting to at a deeper level.

It's also possible that you haven't met any really lovely men yet, but for this to happen, you need to make a conscious decision that you're willing to open your heart fully, even if that means getting hurt. Love is one of the most wonderful experiences in life and it's worth risking a little pain along the way in order to experience it. I was like you in my late 20s but realised that I had to consciously change my attitude if I was to find the love I longed for and it worked!!

bee06

I was single all through my 20's as well. I never met a guy who was worth the effort of a long term relationship and I was quite happy with my own company, living alone so having my own space etc. Then at 29 i started going out with my now husband and that was it. All the stuff that seems scary, unnatural or pointless before didn't matter any more.

LegacyUser

Blue Iris wrote: »

I think that you have probably put your finger on it when you mention the hurt you've experienced. It has made you cautious, which is normal and understandable. The main way to really fall for someone and feel a deep connection is to open your heart fully and let yourself feel deeply. If you've been hurt a few times, then trust is hard, making it harder to let yourself open up at a feeling level. While caution is wise in the early stages while you're sussing out what someone is like, it becomes self defeating once you've realised that they're a lovely person and worth connecting to at a deeper level.

It's also possible that you haven't met any really lovely men yet, but for this to happen, you need to make a conscious decision that you're willing to open your heart fully, even if that means getting hurt. Love is one of the most wonderful experiences in life and it's worth risking a little pain along the way in order to experience it. I was like you in my late 20s but realised that I had to consciously change my attitude if I was to find the love I longed for and it worked!!

Yeah you might be onto something, I am quite cautious. Any guy I’ve fallen for has ended up in a scenario where I’ve been hurt and it does make you more guarded. I also worry about being too picky, maybe my expectations being too high or something. If I wanted a relationship badly enough I could easily ‘settle’ with someone who doesn’t exactly set my world on fire but is a lovely decent guy - I meet loads of those - but it’s just not something I can envisage for myself. I value my own time far too much, but am I being unreasonable?

I guess the pros and cons of dating a lot is that you learn about what doesn’t work for you, but it can make you confused too and make you hold back a little. I often find myself with serious chemistry with a guy who I have very little in common with - or vice versa - and that’s why things don’t progress into a relationship. I don’t know what I should be compromising on - ambition, drive, etc? And I don’t know if I’m jumping the gun too soon. Can attraction grow? Should I be sticking around to find out, when my gut tells me there’s nothing there?

So those types of scenarios - in addition to a crazed work schedule and along with my own social schedule and need for personal space - means nothing really goes anywhere!

And I've never been in love, which does sort of sadden me.

giggle84

I was single all through my 20s too, tried the online dating thing and meeting guys in bars and all that, and had lost interest. I was the same as you, happy to be single but conscious that I didn't want to be single forever. Then at 30 I met my boyfriend, we're together a few months now and it's going great. I actually knew him before so he'd been under my nose for a while, so you never know what's just around the corner! I think you're better to be relaxed about it because I think that when you're actively looking it's nearly harder to meet someone, but keep an open mind because it can happen when you least expect it!

giggle84

toosingleorsomething wrote: »

If I wanted a relationship badly enough I could easily ‘settle’ with someone who doesn’t exactly set my world on fire but is a lovely decent guy - I meet loads of those - but it’s just not something I can envisage for myself. I value my own time far too much, but am I being unreasonable?

I don’t know what I should be compromising on - ambition, drive, etc? And I don’t know if I’m jumping the gun too soon. Can attraction grow? Should I be sticking around to find out, when my gut tells me there’s nothing there?

So those types of scenarios - in addition to a crazed work schedule and along with my own social schedule and need for personal space - means nothing really goes anywhere!

Picked out a couple of points you made that stood out to me..

When you meet someone who is a really good match for you, even if they don't tick all the boxes on your "ideal partner shopping list", it won't matter, you'll forget about your list. That's not settling. But if your gut tells you it's not right for you or you don't think he's completely amazing, that is settling and never ends well.

Also, I used to think I'd never have time for a boyfriend because I was so used to doing everything by myself.. you'd be amazed how easily you find the time when you meet someone you really want to spend time with!!

LegacyUser

toosingleorsomething wrote: »

I don’t know what I should be compromising on - ambition, drive, etc?

Just to address one point; the idea of compromise in a relationship is not compromise yourself and surrender who you are, it's compromising in the areas that make the relationship work for both of you. The word compromise itself can be a bit misleading and really what you're aiming for is co-operation and collaboration. Too often people sow the seeds of a relationship's downfall by compromising who they are to maintain the relationship and that ultimately leads to being unhappy and resentful. The right relationship will support and promote you to be who and what you want to be, not curtail you.

If and when you get to the point where choices have to be made, like marriage, kids, where to live, career choices that suit your life together or anything like that, those choices won't seem like compromise or sacrifice in the right relationship, they'll seem like opportunities to make your life together better. You may have to give something up which you've worked hard to get, but in the context of the right relationship that won't be a loss, it'll be a sideways step to make room to move forward.

santana75

You sound smart and clued in, like you know yourself pretty well and thats a great thing. I really dont see any merit in compromising or settling though. Its a funny thing, the way you can be attracted to people already taken or unavailable and not interested in those who are single and interested. I think a lot of people have been in that position, I know it was something I saw in myself. At one stage I thought that it was fear of commitment and fear of being hurt and it was a way to protect myself, but then you meet someone who is available who sets off fireworks inside of you and you realise you were right not to just go out with someone in the hopes that attraction will develop.
I think it will happen for you if you really want it to or when you're really ready. Forget about what other people are doing, whether theyre settling down or having babies or whatever. It sounds like youre on the fence to be honest, you could have a relationship if you wanted one, but you're just not ready, for whatever reasons you havent made a decision within you that says, Yes Im ready. I think if you did that person would present themselves. Let things play themselves out, dont force it, dont worry.

beks101

I don't think you need to 'settle' but I do think you need to widen the parameters really when it comes to a potential match. As in, throw away the list. You wouldn't do it with a friend so why do it with a potential partner?

Obviously there are things that are more important in a partner that you don't necessarily look for in friendship - namely, sexual attraction - but surely that's something you've gauged from all of your dating experience? Some people either feel it or they don't; others are slower burners. Determine which way it is for you and act accordingly - either end things right away or wait things out and stay open to the guy and see what happens.

You do sound a bit unsure about what you're looking for, which may be why you haven't met someone in a longterm capacity thus far. Life can be busy for everyone, honestly I know this as much as anyone, but if you're hmming and hawing over someone and meanwhile work or your social life or travel or whatever is taking over, it's very possible that is coming across as disinterest to the guy in question and he's not pursuing anything meaningful with you because of that.

Just be conscious of your behaviour, your actions and your body language and how that may be coming across. Most guys aren't going to waste time on someone who seems not bothered, or flaky, or not willing to make time for them. Would you?

Meeting someone is largely down to luck and the numbers game in the end, but a big, big part of it is being out there and not being afraid of expressing your feelings and risking hurt. Yes, it's terrifying, but yes, it's vital. People don't respond favourably to apathy.

A few things to think about.

Strawberry Swan

Beks has given some great advice there. Just because the chemistry isn't there doesn't mean it wont develop further down the line. It could be a slow burner. You acknowledge you hold back initially and so your dates probably do too. That's fine but it does mean that you need to give any potential relationship more time to develop.

You now want a relationship and so you need to be open to it and express that in your actions by putting aside time for dating whichever guy whose company you enjoy. Try not to think of any list or the longterm, just focus on the present and how they make you feel in the moment. It is a numbers game and a waiting game but you need to be open to it and play your part as best you can when the time comes.

Shelga

I sort of agree with the slow burning thing... But at the same time, I've had a long term relationship with someone I was compatible with personality-wise but not hugely attracted to, followed by a disastrous relationship with someone I thought was gorgeous and sexy and charming, and broke my heart.

I think it's worth holding out for someone who you're compatible with emotionally, and very attracted to. I also think this can happen over time and with someone you may not expect. But trust your instincts and don't force a relationship with someone where deep down, you wonder if you can do better. It's not nice for you and it's horrible for them. I have no regrets, and you do sound like a very together person who is not lacking in confidence, so I'm sure it will happen.

I hear ya though OP, late twenties can be confusing!

RDM_83 again

Post your reply here.
From a tipsy and emotionally messed up guy perspective.
No man (you want to be with long term) wants to be chosen because you are at the "right stage" of your life to settle down with rather than playing the field. This may sound harsh but i think most men are aware of this phenomenon. Fall in love with some one you actually love