Mental health concern - family member

LegacyUser

Looking for any advice or direction we should take please?
We have a family member, she's 21, and are very concerned for her. She dropped out of college year before last, said she wasn't ready last Sept for her new course and has worked for the past year. (Two jobs and works very hard I might add.)
She has mood swings, cries at the drop of a hat, has told parents that hates her appearance and doesn't tend to go out with friends anymore.
To the rest of the world she is a bubbly girl with lots going for her but is really struggling on the inside.
IMO the root of the problem is her weight. She is about 2stone overweight and does a lot of comfort eating. She lost half a stone a few months ago and was
like a different person, but it crept back on in the last few weeks. She is great for exercising but the comfort eating undoes all her hard work.
She is going to college in Sept and I feel that will bring a whole new lease of life for her but between now and then what should we do? Do we bring her to a counsellor? Do we bring her to a dietician/ weight loss specialist? Are there organisations out there that people know of that could guide us?

Emmser

I would say ask her how you might help her. If it's not too sensitive a topic have a heart to heart and ask her if everything is okay etc. have something nice planned afterwards like a funny dvd or a chick flick. Don't do this after she's cried or shown a mood change but more so when you feel she's in a 'stable' mood. The good points to note from this is that she is thinking about her future and is trying to further herself. There's months to go before September and if you're close to her ask her what she'd like to achieve personally before college. Is it save more? Join a gym? Do a day course in make up application? Don't focus too much on the weight issue and more on her as a person. If you go straight in with the weight topic she will feel it's an issue for her family too and that's the last thing you want to happen. Everybody wants to love themselves but some girls with weight find that difficult and they worry that everyone else sees them in terms of fat, overweight etc. don't let her have any doubts. Let her see the unconditional love you all have for her. If she mentions weight, say things like 'I can speak to mam/dad on your behalf about healthy shopping', 'I'll go for walks with you on Tuesday and Friday evenings', 'one of my friends joined weight watchers and looks incredible now'. Go with practical solutions to help her out. It'll take help from all your family members but it's worth it to see her feel better about herself.

Edited: also she could be very anxious in terms of restarting college, don't underestimate this.

LegacyUser

Thank you Emmser for your reply. Fantastic points there that I think I need to share with all the family. Love the idea about the make up application and it's something we could do together.
Yeah she is very positive about Sept and college. Part of the problem is that she sees all her friends heading off on a Sunday and back on a Friday and she feels lost durin the week. You know yourself, at that age the last place you want to be is sitting with the olds watching the telly!
My mother is concerned that if we bring her to talk to someone it will put a stigma on her (nearly like a criminal record according to her!) and as ludicrous as that is, this is the problem with seeking help in Ireland. All too taboo and brushed under carpet until someone completely crumbles. But we will bring her to someone to talk before Sept and nip this in the bud before it takes over her entire life. As I said she has good and bad days.

Can I also add how disappointed I am with lack of responses from people? I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that know nothing about this subject and that is fine but if I put up a thread along the lines of "which do you prefer, your left or right hand?!!!" I'd be inundated with replies. Something that bugs me a bit about Boards.

neemish

Has it occured to you that your family member has to sort this out for herself? If she really is unhappy within herself, a make up course and new clothes ain't going to do it. And if her problems have led to weight gain, then weight watchers may help her to lose the weight but it won't address the underlying issues.

You can't "bring" an adult to talk to someone. You can suggest it, you can give her a few names but at the end of the day it is up to her to pick someone she can talk to.

I know this may cause offense but your attitude sounds quite patronising and judgmental - bring her to talk to someone, nip this in the bud, imo the root of the problem is her weight. you say she works hard and is committed to going back to college? Well then, be supportive, suggest a visit to her GP, offer to go socialising with her but let her live her own life the way she wants. She has to come to point where she wants to get help for herself.

scrimshanker

Hi OP,

I'm really glad for your relative that she has someone so concerned about her who wants to make sure things go well for her. Sorry for how rambly it is, I hope you get something out of it.

I get your frustration about the lack of responses so I figured I'd reply, for whatever my 2c are worth to you. Although tbh I think people find it really tough to give advice here, nobody wants to say the wrong thing and the problem is that what's right for one person could be way off for another.

I don't think anyone was suggesting that a makeup class or new clothes is going to fix everything if she is suffering from mental health problems, but when people go out of their way to show they care like that it is a comfort - I know I can become trapped in my own head and my perceptions of what other people think of me get totally distorted, then someone does something nice and it's a great comfort and actively makes me challenge distorted thinking.

I don't know what your relationship with your relative is, but it sounds like you're reasonably close. It might be a nice idea to do the makeup course together, then go get coffee or something after and it'd be a really nice relaxed non-threatening scenario where you could bring up starting college. Ask if she's what she's looking forward to, what she's nervous about etc. I guess just open up the conversation that shows her that you do want to be there for her to discuss her feelings if she needs to. Maybe try to be positive that you're delighted for her to see her making these plans, that it must have been really tough on her seeing her friends heading off to college every week. And I know this sounds odd, but as a rather anxious person, I really
would have appreciated if someone said to me "I'm really happy you're trying this, but please don't feel any pressure to make the course work if you don't like it or are unhappy on it, we know you're doing your best and we'll all still be really proud of you. Just do your best". You could - judging it by her reactions - also mention that a lot of colleges have support services for students like health centres and counselling. Let her know that it's okay to use those services if she starts feeling overwhelmed with college at any point. You could even say that if she's feeling very worn down after the last few years you can always go to the GP with her - even go in with her and explain why she's there and then sit out of the rest of it, or you can help her find a counsellor (actually GPs would be well placed to recommend good therapists locally) if she'd like to talk to someone before starting college about anything. And that of course you're there if she needs you.

I think it's lovely that you're trying to help her. Yes, absolutely the desire and will to change has to be there from her, but sometimes mental health problems are absolutely paralyzing in terms of getting help for them. There's still an awful lot of stigma there, too. You can't fix anything for her, but you can actively help her in accessing the services that will help her work through any problems herself.

I hope it goes well for you and your relative xx

LegacyUser

neemish wrote: »

Has it occured to you that your family member has to sort this out for herself? If she really is unhappy within herself, a make up course and new clothes ain't going to do it. And if her problems have led to weight gain, then weight watchers may help her to lose the weight but it won't address the underlying issues.

You can't "bring" an adult to talk to someone. You can suggest it, you can give her a few names but at the end of the day it is up to her to pick someone she can talk to.

I know this may cause offense but your attitude sounds quite patronising and judgmental - bring her to talk to someone, nip this in the bud, imo the root of the problem is her weight. you say she works hard and is committed to going back to college? Well then, be supportive, suggest a visit to her GP, offer to go socialising with her but let her live her own life the way she wants. She has to come to point where she wants to get help for herself.

Thank you Neemish for your response. Some points I'll take on board, few others I'm afraid I won't.
I understand when you say "she needs to sort this out for herself" and of course she does but I also feel that sometimes people might need a jump start towards getting things sorted. And also that she knows that she is not alone. We, as a family, are there to help her in any possible way, be that big or small.
When I say "bring" her to see someone I don't mean bundle her into the car against her will and drag her kicking and screaming into the place. I mean as in be waiting outside if she wants me to be, bring her for a walk after and discuss if she wants to or just leave her the feck alone if that's what she'd prefer. We walking on eggshells with her and I will support her whatever way I can.
I apologise that my post came across as patronising and judgemental. This is far from my intention.It's just hard to get your point across through text in Boards and I suppose it can be misinterpreted.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much Scrimshanker. I'm actually considering getting her to read your post because you have hit the nail on the head.
I'm delighted with the fact that she is so positive about college. When we're out shopping she'll say to me "I might get that jacket for walking to college" or "I'll need a nice shoulder bag for college" and has actually bought herself a lovely bag. I know that sounds kinda ridiculous but I think it's brilliant!
She definitely knows that I'm there to talk no matter what. Even when she did drop out of college I broached the subject first with her and let her know that whatever decision she made was ok with us. It will be the same again this time. Ultimately she knows best and we can only guide and support.