boyfriend gets grumpy from hunger but won't eat

LegacyUser

This is going to sound like a crazy problem but it's a real one!

My boyfriend gets really grumpy and sulky when he's hungry but also can't be bothered to eat. This is only an issue on the weekend but it can impact the whole day. I try to encourage him to eat but have to tread a fine line or he gets more grumpy! Last weekend he was cross because we didn't have any of what he considers 'lunch' food so I made sure we had some in this weekend, but now he doesn't seem to want that!

Obviously he's a grown up and it's up to him what/when/if he eats but when he's hungry he would fight with his fingernails! The mood can be felt through the whole house and it can ruin our day. He gets very tired and grouchy. The other day we were going on a car journey that would take a couple of hours. It took all my powers of persuasion to get him to eat a banana. He's often complaining that he feels tired and ill. Eating regularly would most likely improve his energy levels!

The difference in him when he has eaten is unbelievable - instant better mood! We have spoken about this (when he wasn't hungry) and he acknowledges that it's an issue, but then the weekend comes around and it's the same thing all over again! It's not a problem during the week because he has breakfast with his team.

He also likes to torment me a bit with it I think. "Oh, IF I decide to eat these sausages..." He knows that I'm hoping that he will eat!

It's getting to be a real problem on the weekend. It really shouldn't be any of my business but I want him to feel well, have energy and not be so grumpy!

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you humour him? If he's grumpy and he's hungry but refusing to eat why are you like a mother trying to persuade a stubborn toddler? Just leave him to it. Leave him to be grumpy. Go out yourself for the afternoon. Go for a walk, meet friends etc.

You are treating him like a child and he is behaving like one, taunting you about whether or not he'll eat. I wouldn't put up with that from a 2 year old, and your putting up with it from a grown man!! You're making sure the right types of foods are in? Has he no arms or something? Is he incapable of going to the shop and picking out what foods he'd like himself?

The only way to stop him acting like a child is to stop giving him attention! Was he pampered at home by any chance?

LegacyUser

All good points and thank you for posting.

I have and do go out for the afternoon. He's often listless and grumpy when I get back if he hasn't eaten. Going out is great but it's not always practical. I agree that it could be viewed as pampering but I'm trying to proactively prevent it because it impacts me too!! If it didn't affect my day it'd be a lot easier to ignore.

Big Bag of Chips

How long are you going out with him? And how much longer are you willing to put up with this childish side to him? Even toddlers grow out of that phase!!

I would ask him has he so little respect for you that he is happy to ruin your weekend, what seems like every weekend? And then you need to consider if you are happy to be with someone who shows you so little respect. Because it's not looking likely that he's going to change for you. He would never carry on like that in front of his work colleagues. He would make damn sure of it.

You must be going around with a knot in your stomach at the weekend just waiting for his mood.

LegacyUser

We are together for five years but only living together for a few months. i have brought it up with him and when he's not hungry/grumpy he knows I have a point and agrees to do things differently but it doesn't happen.

Maybe it's all part of getting used to living together? I need to stop fretting about it and hopefully he'll realise that it's a situation that can be avoided. The difference really is amazing once he's eaten!

He's very considerate in many ways around the house but hunger doesn't have a good affect on him! It does feel like waiting for a storm to pass at times.

bee06

I'd be telling him to cop on and grow up in no uncertain terms. He knows he's doing it and he still acts like this! That's completely ridiculous!

Penny Tration

It should be very simple. If he's hungry, he should eat.

The flat out refusal to do this, and the childish sulking when he's hungry, is so bloody juvenile. Three year olds have more cop on than that!

It's not part of getting used to living together like you ask. It's a question of respect. He is disrespectful enough of you to deliberately ruin your weekends with his moods.

Stop mollycoddling him, but also tell him out right that he's ruining your free time with his ridiculous behaviour.

Big Bag of Chips

You know what, OP, on a much smaller scale you sound like the beaten down wife of an alcoholic. "But he's so lovely/apologetic when he doesn't drink." It all means nothing if he goes out and gets pissed again at the weekend.

Alcoholism, however, is a complicated psychiatric illness, that is difficult to overcome... All your fella has to do is eat a bloody sandwich to overcome his "issues". And he won't even do that much for you, and worse taunts you about it.

I'd wonder is there more to this than just being hungry? Did you notice it when you weren't living together? Is he somehow having second thoughts about you living together? Is his sulking for other reasons and he is blaming food? I just think for something that is so simple to fix, there must be a very good reason why he's not inclined to fix it.

You say if you go out, you could come back to find him listless and grumpy if he hasn't eaten? So he'll sit there, alone at home and not get up to make himself something to eat preferring instead to have an atmosphere at home when you get back? I know what I'd be telling him. The 2nd word is "Off"!

Tokyo

hungrybf wrote: »

Maybe it's all part of getting used to living together?

It really isn't. When I read your posts here, I'm instantly reminded of friends of mine that are new mums, who have similar conversations about the steps they take their year old child with them to the supermarket or similar, to make sure that the kid doesn't kick up stink while out and about.

This is a grown adult you're talking about here, and ultimately he is responsible for how he treats you, and feeding himself, particularly if one affects the other. The fact that he's sitting there in a strop because you don't have 'lunch food' in the house for him and makes no steps to remedy that (really, how hard is it to make a sandwich or pick up a piece of fruit) would lead me to think that he either doesn't care that much that this affects you, or there is something far deeper at play here.

Either way, this isn't a good precedent to living together, and just pandering to him isn't going to solve any of this - it's a temporary bandage until the next weekend. You really need to let him know that his behaviour isn't acceptable, and that he needs to change how he treats you. If not, then I'd start reconsidering if this is the relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life.

thegreatgonzo

Hungryboyf wrote: »

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Well yes I used to look after pigs but in all honesty they were a hell of a lot more charming than the image I have of your boyfriend right now.
Why why why are you pandering to this idiot? He's an adult, does he need to be told when he should go to the toilet too? It amazes me how some people manage to find partners willing to put up with such crap in a relationship.

m'lady

Seriously just to repeat what had already been said- stop mollying him! He's a grown man, and if he chooses not to eat then that's his problem. You say it's not always possible to go off with your friends, get out for a walk etc but is has to be possible to just go and have a bath, call a mate or just catch up on the soaps or whatever and let him cop the hell on?! You are actually enabling this behaviour by pandering to him and if you continue to do so, you may find it might be something else then that gets him in the 'horrors'..

Is there any chance he has an eating disorder?

It's more common in men than you'd think.

Tigger99

I wondered that about an ED myself. Even if it's not, it's certainly about control. Do you like how it feels when you have to beg him to eat? He must see your distress, he either doesn't care, or has deeper issues.

Either way, this is not normal living together behaviour.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the responses. I would like to point out that nobody is perfect and we all do things that other people can find annoying at times! I appreciate everyone taking the time to post however did think some people were being a little militant!

Maybe my first post should have been more balanced because there are plenty of good things about him and we do have fun times together. I think that when he was living on his own it didn't impact anyone else if he didn't eat all day so maybe it's taking some time to change this habit.

I agree that I am probably enabling this behaviour so will take a step back and it has been helpful to have that pointed out. I have been very clear with him that I don't find it acceptable at all and I have asked him to do things differently - we spoke about it again this evening.

Happy for this thread to be closed now.

Gwynplaine

Has he got an eating disorder? Why would you not eat when hungry?
Drink when thirsty, sleep when tired. Why deprive yourself?
What age is he?

MrWalsh

Besides sounding a bit childish, the tormenting you with it is really out of order.

He has you dancing round begging him to eat so he'll be in better form. Sounds like he enjoys humiliating you a bit.

mapaca

Honestly, if you are sure he doesn't have some sort of deep seated issue with food then his behaviour is just plain manipulative and nasty. It's not a normal part of moving in together.

kylith

If I were in your position I would either a) tell him I didn't give a sht whether he'd eaten or not, and to let me know when he'd copped himself on and eaten, and then go - either out or upstairs b) pull a Snicker's ad on him (throw an apple at him and call him a diva) or c) when he's not hungry tell him in no uncertain terms that I was fed up to the back fcking teeth of his childish behaviour and that he was skating on very bloody thin ice regarding your relationship, and pointing out that I was not his mother and did not intend to coax him to eat and if that's what he wanted he was welcome to move back in with mammy.

I wouldn't accept the likes of that behaviour from a toddler, let alone a grown man. For him it's a power trip; he acts like that, you coax him, he is the focus of all your attention. If he doesn't eat it's his problem, not yours. Go away and let him deal with it on his own. When he sees that you're not going to play that game any longer he'll cop himself on.

Stavro Mueller

hungrybf wrote: »

Maybe my first post should have been more balanced because there are plenty of good things about him and we do have fun times together. I think that when he was living on his own it didn't impact anyone else if he didn't eat all day so maybe it's taking some time to change this habit..

I'm not being smart here but women who are in relationships with men who beat them and bounce them off the walls will say that there are great times too. I'm not suggesting for one moment that your issue is in the same ballpark but it is very weird.

Your boyfriend's a grown man and surely is capable of feeding himself when he feels hungry. It's not rocket science. Even someone who's hopeless at cooking is capable of making a sandwich or eating a bowl of cereal. Normal people go get something to eat when they're hungry. What on earth is is issue? That he's aware of this issue and is taunting you is something you need to keep a close eye on too. It's only when you live with someone that you get to know them properly. Maybe you didn't know this guy at all?

osarusan

He sounds like an idiot, frankly.

As long as there's nothing wrong with his actual ability to eat and digest food, then... what's wrong with him?

You say that when he's not in one of his moods, he realises the change that comes over him, so...what's the problem?

And the bit about him commenting like 'If I do decide to eat this...' shows you he knows exactly what the change in him would be and what that would mean to you, so....he sounds like he loves the attention and loves manipulating you into being concerned about him.

If I were you, I'd be out of there.

R.D. aka MR.D

My OH has an eating disorder and he gets unbelievably grumpy if he can't eat at the 'right' time or get the 'right' kind of food.

He understands that it is a problem and does try to work on it. We're very open about it now but I used to get into a sulk because he was grumpy but now I know it's nothing to do with me and it's his issue to deal with.

You haven't really addressed if this is what you think is going on with your OH. The difference with my OH seems to be that he understands the problem and actively tries to minimise the effects on our relationship. If your boyfriend knows this is a problem for your relationship and makes no attempt to help himself then the problem is bigger. It's a problem with him having no consideration for your relationship.

You could suggest he seeks some help from his GP or something to get some advice on why he doesn't want to eat.

Tokyo

Thread closed at OP's request.