Partner - gay? <mod warning post #1>

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a guy for 4 years. We're both 40s. Both divorced. He has kids. I don't. Generally stay in mine Mon/Tues and his weekend (we both work in uk weds - fri)

Last week I didn't hear from him during weds/thurs - no big deal, just assumed he was busy.

Today we went to a friend's anniversary do - I noticed he was chatting away to her brother who is quite openly gay. Friend would be mine more than his, I don't even think they have phone nos. Anyway brother asked to speak to me and said that he had met my guy in various gay clubs and he was renowned for offering oral sex....I'm sick. In the car home, I asked him about it and apparently he's been cruising to offer oral sex, and not in uk at all!

He says it's just a side he has to experience. I am sick.

Mod warning
Keep your posts directed to the op with constructive advice.
Off topic posts or posts of a medical nature are actionable.

fits

Well of course you feel sick. He has been lying to you, cheating on you and engaging in risky and possibly unsafe behaviour to boot. It doesn't really matter whether he calls himself gay or not, it is sort of irrelevant. Most people would say this sort of behaviour in a relationship is unacceptable. I personally would find it difficult to get over.

m'lady

Oh you poor thing, I went through finding out my partner was gay about 10 years ago but not in such a crude manner. I think you need to have a think about what you want to do and I don't mean to worry you but you will have to get yourself tested also. It was the most difficult time of my life and I was only 23, so I'd also suggest maybe counselling?

I agree it doesn't matter whether he is gay or not - he was lying to you and cheating on you. Being gay doesn't make him a jerk, that does.

Larbre34

Its time to show him the door unfortunately. That sort of duplicity, as well as endangering your health is intolerable. You will find better.

Vojera

Apart from the cheating, he has also put your health at risk. I would suggest either going to your GP or one of the confidential clinics and getting yourself tested for STIs. Better safe than sorry.

haveringchick

Oh that's terrible. Please just break up with him. I know your heartbroken but it's over. He's treated you like dirt and you deserve the best. Just walk away.

catonthewire

He says it's just a side he has to experience????

With respect it's a side of himself he should have disclosed to you a very long time ago!!
This man has put you at risk, risked not only your physical health but your emotional well-being....
Oral sex is risky regardless of anyone's sexual orientation, especially if the person has no knowledge of the health of those they engage with....

Please get yourself checked immediately, then throw him out of your life!!!..

I have tons of gay friends, if they read your post, I have no doubt they would encourage you to do the same....
Be thankful that your friends brother had the decency to make you aware of what has been happening....

Honestly I feel gutted for you, four years is a long time to be with someone, but this guy isn't worth your love....

Tordelback

The gay/bi aspect of this is irrelevant - would it really make any difference if he was screwing women instead? Perhaps if he had been open with you about his desire to experience new types of sex with other people, you could just possibly have come to some arrangement. As it is this man is a lying cheating scumbag and deserves nothing but the door.

Idle Passerby

Agree with the other posters. His sexual curiosity has nothing to do with it. If he had said "I go out several nights a week and perform oral sex on random women, its something I need to experience" would you be any less devastated? Leave him. He has betrayed you, lied about it and apparently doesn't even think he has done anything wrong.

jimmycrackcorm

He has been cheating on you sexually who knows how many times. Get rid of him and find someone who doesn't.

Spastic Cinnamon

Tordelback wrote: »

The gay/bi aspect of this is irrelevant - would it really make any difference if he was screwing women instead? Perhaps if he had been open with you about his desire to experience new types of sex with other people, you could just possibly have come to some arrangement. As it is this man is a lying cheating scumbag and deserves nothing but the door.

It's very relevant due to the risk of aids.

sitstill

Spastic Cinnamon wrote: »

It's very relevant due to the risk of aids.

Where does it say in the OP that the guy has AIDS?

iusedtoknow

sitstill wrote: »

Where does it say in the OP that the guy has AIDS?

it doesn't - however it is a risk when having oral sex with multiple partners. Even though AIDS/HIV affects straight and gay, there is more of a prevalence in the gay community. There are any number of STD's that can be caught that the OP needs to worry about.

bee06

Spastic Cinnamon wrote: »

It's very relevant due to the risk of aids.

A person can get AIDS or other STD's from engaging in risky sexual behaviour with women as well? AIDS isn't confined to gay men.

Pawwed Rig

bee06 wrote: »

A person can get AIDS or other STD's from engaging in risky sexual behaviour with women as well? AIDS isn't confined to gay men.

It is much more prevalent among gay men unfortunately.

iusedtoknow

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

It is much more prevalent among gay men unfortunately.

very true - my wife worked on a study here in San Francisco. Aids is 4 times as prevalent in the GLBT community as it is in the heterosexual community. It is just a fact of life.

MrWalsh

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

It is much more prevalent among gay men unfortunately.

According to these Irish stats from 2013, http://www.dublinaidsalliance.ie/index.php?page=latest-statistics

The highest proportion of new diagnoses in 2013 (46.2%) were among men who have sex with men (MSM).

Heterosexual contact accounted for 38.1% of new diagnoses.

So yes, gay male contact has higher transmission rates, but 38.1% is actually much higher than I thought it would be for heterosexual contact.

Regardless of the nature of the infidelity, the OP needs to have a full sexual health check done having been unknowingly subjected to risky behaviour by this guy.

bee06

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

It is much more prevalent among gay men unfortunately.

It's still irrelevant to the OP's situation. Regardless of who he is cheating with, with the OP's boyfriend is still a cheating *ssclown and OP needs to get tested.

Spastic Cinnamon

bee06 wrote: »

A person can get AIDS or other STD's from engaging in risky sexual behaviour with women as well? AIDS isn't confined to gay men.

For a straight man who doesn't inject drugs the chances of getting aids is almost zero. Any 'straight' man who gets it is almost certainly on the down low.

Look up the CDC website and see who is getting it, the figures don't lie.

Taltos

Mod note

Ok gang enough of the off topic discussion. Keep your posts directed to the op with constructive advice.
Off topic posts or posts of a medical nature are actionable.

Stavro Mueller

Hi OP. I hope you're doing OK? What a shock all of this must've been for you. Not just to find out that your partner isn't the person you thought he was but that he has been cruising gay clubs. If he was capable of living something of a double life, god knows what other lies he has told you. If I was in your shoes I doubt I'd be able to get over a betrayal like this. The bedrock of a healthy relationship is trust. How you could trust this fella after this bombshell I've no idea. It's also worth bearing in mind that cheaters tend to downplay things if they're caught. So it's not surprising that he'll say it's curiosity or something he has to experience. Without getting sucked into the debate earlier in this thread, it's clear that he wasn't very concerned about your sexual health at all. I hope you take the advice of other posters here and that you go for STI testing and that you're OK.

The only positive thing about this is that you're not living with him. It's possible to walk away should you choose to do so (and I hope you do). I hope you have someone in your life whose shoulder you can cry on. If not, would you consider counselling just to get this off your chest? Or even just to pick up the phone and talk to a Samaritan. You've had an awful shock and you really didn't deserve it.

Rubberchikken

that has to be so upsetting to hear and you'll be in shock for a bit. when you're ready, make the decision that is good for you.
best of luck.