Mother won't stop calling

KylesQueries

Hi, Just wondering what other people's take on this is:

I'm 32 years old and my mother feels the need to contact my phone up to 3 times most days (if not just once for the same conversation each day, but one call is fine). On some occasions she attempts to call my phone if I am out with friends, at the gym or playing football. If she cannot reach me she will attempt to call it at least 4 times and then ring my brothers and sisters in a distressed state that something bad has happened (they get this treatment on their phones too). Her stress is then passed on to everyone else as she gets into floods of tears and cries uncontrollably, leaving the rest of us to text or call each other to see how we can diffuse the situation. This all usually happens in the space of 90 minutes. This has gone on since we were all very young, meaning that we had a very regulated upbringing without much breathing space from her.

I am living independently the passed 9 years and living 4 hours away, but it feels like she still has her clutches upon us all and can get very annoying when we are trying to live our lives. When we were teenagers she would find the phone numbers of our friends and ring them if she could not contact any of us, which was embarrassing to say the least as people would find it funny. This week, while I was out with friends, another friend of mine, who my mother has never met as he is from my current town, arrived into the pub to tell me in front of a group that my mother had contacted him on social media (she saw his picture in my photos) to see if i was okay and to call her. Everyone at the table laughed. It felt the exact same as when I was 16.

We all care for our mother and would miss her dearly if she was gone but this does not seem normal and seems humorous to anyone who I try explain it to. I am going travelling for 1 year soon and, since I will be in a different timezone, you can imagine the stress this is going to circulate from my mother around the family when she cannot reach me at some obscure time of the day.

Although they also hate it, my brothers and sisters seem to have more tolerance for this and tell me to just put up with it but it's actually driving me crazy at this stage. Does she need help or is this normal behaviour from her?

I told her that she needs to talk to a professional who can help her but she argues that I am being unfair to her by not allowing her to contact me when she wishes.

If anyone can help me to decide what to do here it would be very welcome. I do not want to fall out with my mother over something so ridiculous but I'm pretty sure this isn't going on with anyone else I know.

Thanks.

Buona Fortuna

Hi Kyles just a couple of points.

- does your mum have a cellphone so that she could maybe text you instead of calling all the time?

- maybe let your mum and siblings know that tuesdays and thursdays is football practice and you can't take any calls between X and Y

Toots

God I really feel for you. I think you're right when you say that she needs to talk to someone about this, because it's definitely not normal, and it's not healthy for any of you, because you get stressed when she's constantly phoning you, and she gets hysterical if she can't reach you.

I think maybe an intervention-style approach would be worth considering, if you can get your siblings on board. I know you say they are more tolerant of her than you are, but you need to hammer it home to them that this is harming her also. I wonder if you phrase it like that will they be more responsive ie "Oh I'm worried about mum, she's going to worry herself into an early grave" type of thing. If you can get them on board, then sit down with her as a group and explain that her behaviour is not normal, and ye'd like her to talk to someone about it. Bear in mind that if this is how it's been for your whole life, she won't change overnight. It may be a case that ye will need to approach counselling as a family (it would probably be best if ye had a few sessions as a family, and then she had some on her own) and she will probably be very resistant to it at first.

In the interim, I suggest you try something like this; pick a time and tell your mother that if she wants to ring you, she can do it between (for example) 6pm and 6:30pm every day. Tell her that you have a job, and a social life, and that her constant calls are having a hugely negative effect on both. A half hour window per day is plenty for her. Be very firm, and tell her that if she calls outside of this time, you will not be answering your phone. Also make it clear that if she goes ringing your siblings, you won't be answering the phone to them either. This will probably be difficult for you initially, especially if you're getting dozens of missed calls, but stick to it. I would imagine if you manage it for a few weeks, she'll ease off. If your siblings are brushing all this under the rug, they might change their minds if they're the ones on the receiving end of her hysterics, and can't pass her off to you.

An arrangement like this will be crucial if you're moving abroad. It would be important to assure her that if for some reason you won't be available at the usual time, that you will let her know well in advance, and arrange an alternative time; this will hopefully avoid a massive panic if she tries to ring you at 6pm and you don't answer.

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe a compromise would work with her. Let her call you once, then tell her you will be busy for the rest of the day so won't be able to take calls but will ring her later at X o'clock (set a reminder on your phone!)

She sounds lonely, but it is not your or your siblings job to be her constant source of contact.

Could you get her interested in something, a group, club etc in her area that will keep her busy. My mother in law has something every day, between knitting, linedancing(!), book club etc!

If your siblings are happy to put up with it let them. But you can work towards changing your relationship with her.

keithclancy

Ask her what they did back in her day when they didnt have mobile phones

IlmoNT4

Tricky one...given shes always been like this.

Theres a few things you can do.... cut her off at the pass and call her once a day at the same time

Or stop feeding into it. Tell her you wouldnt be returning her calls and tell your siblings the same thing. I had something quite similar with my parents, panic stations if you didnt answer straight away. Police being called if they couldnt contact you. Calling hospitals if you were late home....
Its hard but might be best to talk to your mam and ask her why she feels so much panic and talk it out and see if theres a way you can help her move into adult role in your life rather than a mother. I suspect either something happen for her to be be so hypervigilant and stressed out, especially as you grew up in a regulated house

Matteroffact

What you could do is send her a brief text every day just saying "still alive Mom, hope all is well with you." That way she knows you are safe and she will stop feeling the need to keep on calling you.

Stavro Mueller

Matteroffact wrote: »

What you could do is send her a brief text every day just saying "still alive Mom, hope all is well with you." That way she knows you are safe and she will stop feeling the need to keep on calling you.

This is a good idea, though it may not fly if the OP finds himself in an area where there's no mobile phone coverage.

I'm not sure how it can be done but your mother sounds like she needs professional help. Most parents worry about their children but her anxiety is way over the top. I think it goes beyond her not having enough other things going on in her day. I wonder would a visit to her GP by yourself and a sibling be a way to get the ball rolling on this?