Doomed to be forever alone?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Im just posting this to get other peoples perspective since the majority of my friends are married or settled now and have been out of the loop for a long time. Ive been single for a few years now and at the start of the year I signed up to the online dating world and I gotta say its not going terribly well so far. I've gone on a few dates that havent gone anywhere. I know sometimes people just dont click for whatever reason but I dont think any of the guys I went on a date with were into me at all. Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong? Am I supposed to kiss a guy at the end of a date? Im so out of the loop with it all and it makes you feel pretty vulnerable. It seems that once youre over a certain age men just arent interested anymore. Am I doomed to be a cat lady?

Taltos

OP just in case there is also the private Online Dating Forum where you may get more appropriate responses. Access can be requested via the feedback thread here.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056968455

Payton

Hi your not alone, I'm in the same boat as I'm single the last 4 yrs late 40's male and like you I didn't find online dating for me....too many chancers and people looking for NSA fun which wasn't for me.
I just started to take a look at ME and who Iam but I also learned to love myself and not in a selfish or vain way but if I'm not happy with who I am well how can anyone else be?.
Look at what else could I do...I took up new hobbies...hill walking, jogging etc and I'll admit I made a few female friends who have introduced me to friends of theirs who are single and I've had a great time.
Have you tried meetup.com? There are plenty of activities there that might suit you. Don't give up, it's not easy being single but it's enjoyable.

El_Duderino 09

Hey OP

This might not be what you're looking for but there's a mathematical formula for figuring out how many people to date in order to gauge the qualityof available men.

It's a balancing act of making sure you look around enough and still don't miss your best match.

You need to figure out the maximum number of people you could date. Say 100 for example. Then you use the square root of that number as a sample =10. So you date the first 10 people as background research to figure out what you like and what you don't. Then after that you pick the best match of the 10 and the next person who is at least as good as the best of the sample, you seriously consider.

Naturally that's just a guide but it shows that you don't have to be attracted to every date and they don't have to be attracted to you.

Also of course whenever you meet 'the one' go for it.

LegacyUser

Ive joined meetup.com but Im too chicken to actually go to any of them on my own. Its not that Im unhappy with myself, I like who I am as a person just seems that the opposite gender doesnt :P Not that there isnt things I can't work on.
I know what I like and dont like when Im going dating too. I dont think Im hugely picky with who I would go out with either. It looks like the mathematical formula boils down to go on many dates until you find someone you click with.

castaway_lady

Keep your expectations low with online dating and don't get overly invested in anyone too soon and ideally don't just date or talk to one at a time. It is worth persisting with but don't let it be your only means of meeting people/men. Also use multiple sites, write an honest profile stating straight up what you're not into, on dates try do something besides a drink/ coffee shop date where it's all about a confined time of talk, talk, talk that gives a very one dimensional view of you and him.

Im proof that online dating can work and these are my experiences of how to make the best of it. It can easily bring you down and affect your confidence but force yourself to not take it too seriously while keeping hope.

LegacyUser

How long were you on the online dating sites before you met your current man? What sort of dates should you go on so you arent just talking? I also dont really know what to do at the end of a date. I hate public displays since they make me hugely uncomfortable so if I dont kiss the guy at the end of a date is that a 'Im not interested' signal?

apieceofcake

castaway_lady wrote: »

.

Im proof that online dating can work and force yourself to not take it too seriously while keeping hope.

Delighted you met someone Castaway Lady! I remember your thread about a year ago? Hope you're very happy

Out of interest, do you mind saying what site you met your bf on (sorry if that's too nosy!!)

bobbyj946

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

Hey OP

This might not be what you're looking for but there's a mathematical formula for figuring out how many people to date in order to gauge the qualityof available men.

It's a balancing act of making sure you look around enough and still don't miss your best match.

You need to figure out the maximum number of people you could date. Say 100 for example. Then you use the square root of that number as a sample =10. So you date the first 10 people as background research to figure out what you like and what you don't. Then after that you pick the best match of the 10 and the next person who is at least as good as the best of the sample, you seriously consider.

It's called Optimal stopping theory, the number is about 37% (sectary problem), and for a few different reasons isn't applicable here.

The first underlying idea is to date around for a while to understand what you want in a partner. I don't agree with this, i find that when it comes to finding someone else people need to first understand themselves and be happy in themselves. When you meet the right person, you need the confidence in yourself to say this person is who you want to stay with.

The second underlying idea is that dating is a numbers game, i do agree with this, you don't need to throw yourself at everyone but do join different groups of people and interact with the folks there. Give yourself the best chance of meeting the right person.
Alot of people meet in college when you go through exactly this type of social interaction, continually change in the groups of people you interact with.

El_Duderino 09

bobbyj946 wrote: »

It's called Optimal stopping theory, the number is about 37% (sectary problem), and for a few different reasons isn't applicable here.

The first underlying idea is to date around for a while to understand what you want in a partner. I don't agree with this, i find that when it comes to finding someone else people need to first understand themselves and be happy in themselves. When you meet the right person, you need the confidence in yourself to say this person is who you want to stay with.

The second underlying idea is that dating is a numbers game, i do agree with this, you don't need to throw yourself at everyone but do join different groups of people and interact with the folks there. Give yourself the best chance of meeting the right person.
Alot of people meet in college when you go through exactly this type of social interaction, continually change in the groups of people you interact with.

Optimal Stopping theory. That's the name! It's been bugging me since I wrote that post.

Fair enough if it doesn't apply here. Just trying to help. I suppose the most important part is that you don't need to be attracted to a date for it to be a successful step towards finding your match. As long as you learn a little something about your preferences, then it was a success.

Pissy Missy

a thread for single's if you want to discuss some topics on this

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057392961

Emme

sillyjane wrote: »

It seems that once youre over a certain age men just arent interested anymore.

This is true to a certain extent but that doesn't mean you are going to be single forever. You MAY meet someone but there is no guarantee. There was an article in the Independent written by a very attractive 47 year old actress who had been single for years and had given up on dating. She seemed happy in all other aspects of her life.

I would encourage you to go to meetup events on your own. That's how most people start with meet up. Focus on making new friends and put finding a partner at the back of your mind. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't you will have a circle of friends and activities to keep you busy.

beks101

Yeah you know, I think you need to change your perspective here. You can start with your language. No one is "doomed to be forever alone" like it's some sort of illness or affliction. This "cat lady" stereotype, while humourous and amusing, isn't exactly helping anyone.

Let's get real for a second. You were born into this world alone and you will pass out of it that way. I know it's tempting in a society that frowns on people who don't follow the narrow parameters of social convention - i.e engaged by late 20s, married by 30, brood by 36 - to feel inadequate and let these things define you. But it's lazy thinking ultimately and it's not doing you any favours.

Not everyone has to live the same life. No two paths will be the same, whether it's professionally, socially, lifestyle wise, whatever. Why not respect your own life and your own path a bit more and spend some time getting to know yourself without the pressure?

The people I know who are happy in their love lives - whether they're single or attached - are the ones who take a light hearted approach. They take dating in their stride or don't compare their relationships to others around them. They don't try to force things and they're not actively looking - they just live their life and let things happen as they happened.

I used to hate dating. The stress, the emotions, the does he doesn't he, the "ah this sh1t again, when am I going to meet someone suited to me?"

I put the weight of the world on this stuff because I thought it was vital to my happiness, to my success as a human being, when in reality it's just one of the several things that might happen for you in life or might not - like a new job or a new friend. If it happens, great! If not, sure isn't life deadly anyway.

Take a few deep breaths and focus on enjoying your life for the next while. Without any expectations. Surround yourself with people who make you smile and ditch the folk who aren't comfortable with you not fitting into a certain mold

santana75

I would relax about it if I were you. I mean at the end of the day a relationship isn't gonna make you happy or fill you up all by itself, if you arent already happy. The "Not looking" theory is true, but there should be small print to accompany that saying. Dont look, but get on with your own life and get yourself to the point where youre happy single. If you can do that, you wont look, you'll just be getting on with things and you'll be very relaxed. And its when you're relaxed that people will enter your life. "The hungry man never gets fed" , its one of those frustrating paradoxes thats so true.
I'd watch the words you use around this issue aswell. Doomed, single forever and catlady, are very defeatist and even though they may seem harmless, theyre not. Use more positive and realistic words to describe yourself. It all adds up to one thing: Creating a healthy self image and when you have that you'll send out a completely different vibe.

LegacyUser

think of it as if you were applying for a job

Firstly with your profile, be exact about what you want, what type of guy your are looking for and make your "blurb" appealing, as you would on your CV. You wouldn't put "I think I'm destined to be forever unemplyed" on your CV, likewise, don't put anything negative on your profile. There are loads of websites with information about how to write the best online dating profile so check a few of these out before you write your profile. If you want a tall guy, say it. If you want someone who lives in the country rather than the city, say it. If you want to have children in the next 3 years, say it. It narrows the poeple who will reply to you to the kind of person you want.

Also, keep in mind, like when you are applying for jobs, you are not going to be a suitable match for every job that comes along and you are also not going to want every job that you are offered. Chat to people who have similar interests and have similar profiles to yours. You wouldn't apply for a job as a doctor if you weren't qualified, likewise, you're not going to get along with someone if you don't have at least something in common to start with. Remember also, you hardly ever get the first job that you apply for, and going on interviews only makes you better at it so when a job that suits you comes up, you are used to the interview process and you are relaxed and yourself instead of nervous.

I know that this is a very unromantic view of things but sometines you need to look at dating from a different persepctive in order to change your approach. I hope this helps