Confused on recovery from child sex abuse

LegacyUser

Hi all, I'm just looking for advice from others here who might have been through similar to myself. I was sexually abused as a child and now more than 20 years later my world came crashing down at the realisation of the impact of this and how its effected my life and decisions Ive made plus addictions I have (which I think is as a result of the abuse but not sure). I was in a bad way at the end of last year but these days things are better, I'm in therapy and on anti depressants which are working for me. But I still remain confused as to what the future holds as it really isnt clear to me and the uncertainity is stressful in itself. What I mean by that is that I hold a very very intense anger towards the person who abused me, which is made more complicated by the fact that they are a family member. Its been more than six months now since I broke down over this and although Im in a better place now than back then this intense anger has not subsided and sometimes I wonder if it ever will. I havent confronted the person who did this to me but I do intend to do so. Perhaps doing so will help in my recovery but I'm also afraid that they will lie and deny, deny, deny which makes me a bit scared of being re-traumatised all over again.

So I'm just wondering how other peoples recovery from childhood sex abuse has been. I know everyone is different (and when I asked my councellor they said the same thing) but I'm just looking to get an idea of what the future may hold. I've spent a large part of my life battling addictions to alcohol, drugs and overeating and the realisation that these addictions more than likely stem from the abuse gets me down a lot sometimes. Fighting addictions is hard but fighting them for the rest of your life seems impossible at times. From my point of view I feel like the person who abused me put demons inside my mind and body when they did what they did and now I'm the one who has to deal with the fallout from that which is a depressing thought, all of which makes me extremely angry at them for what they did.

bp

I cannot offer any practical advice but I have a close friend who realised that there was some level off abuse in their childhood from a family member. Counselling really helped and having friends to cry to. they are in a really good place now but hindsight shows the effect it had on them in the past in some poor decisions.

Good for you for working on your additions - none of it was your fault and I really hope you come through this

Hugs

LegacyUser

Hi op

Regular poster here going anon for the first time so hope this works.

Stuff happened to me when i was a kid at the hands of a family member too. I never got angry about it was such, because I kept it hidden so well for so long it was like I had a double life. So no one would find out or guess I had to pretend to get on with the person in front of others etc so I had to push it way down.

When I moved out of home first it really hit hard then and I had a mini breakdown I suppose. I now had time to think about it. I tried counselling but I didn't like talking about it. Talking about effects its had fine...but actually talking about what happened... No thanks.

Anyway I spent years wondering how its effected me and my behaviour etc. I assumed I had a handle on it because I had to act 'normal' to hide it but some effects were seeping through. Anyhow, now I'm quite philosophical about it. Everyone has events in their lives that shape who they are. Everything shapes you. As long as that shaping isn't destructive to you or others.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've been there where it feels black and hard, but as life moves on it eases and fades. I expect I'll hit another black spot when my parents die and so my worry that they'll find out will too (I don't want to have to talk about it hence the secret). But I'll deal with that when it comes.

Not sure if that's what you were looking for lol. But hope it makes some sense.

Mayboy

Hi there,

I read your post and I hope I can help.
I am a male survivor of sexual abuse and like you my story is pretty much exactly like yours. I want to say that what you are going through is a deeply personal thing, a difficult thing but by going through it you will be a stronger person and the disconnect that sexual abuse survivors feel with hopefully become a thing of the past.

There are a few things I want to say which I hope will help:

1. You bear NO responsibility for what happened regardless of your age or relationship to the person who abused you.
2. It is (VERY MUCH SO) possible to recover from and go on to live a wonderful life after surviving sexual abuse, no, really it is :-)
3. THere are many, many people in the same situation as you so please do not think you are alone - you are not.
4. THe process of recognising and starting to deal with abuse and the effect on ones life takes time, the average time it takes between
the event and dealing with it can be up to 20 years, this is because we hide and cover the event in our lives because we think we cannot manage it or it's effects.
5. Being abused takes you away from who you really are/ were meant to be - but let me tell you that there is a piece of you that is still strong and not touched by the abuse. Inside each survivor is this place and it is where all healing starts from.
6. Look after yourself, cry, be gentle, try not to judge yourself, practice being kind to you.
7. Sleep and take time out after the counselling as you process your experiences - it will pass and you will be OK.
8. It is OK to be very angry, but not at you.
9. It is OK to be sad at the loss of who you might have been, the life events you missed out on.
10. The person you are now is the person who is coming through this, the person who has the strength to come through this and this person is the person who will overcome this and thrive after it is all dealt with.Be the best version of this person that you can be.
11. Acknowledge the sadness but remember life is for living too.
12. Recognise the gifts that coming through this experience has given you - resilience, strength, a sense of justice, empathy, sensitivity, sure, we'd like to not have to gain these through the horrific experience of abuse but they are often the gifts we are left with once we realise the strength we hold in coming through this.
13. CBT may be easier than counselling in processing the trauma.
14. Family dynamics often contribute to the circumstances of abuse, if this is true for you, recognise this and deal with it as it comes up.
15. It's OK never to forgive - it is your choice.
16. Addictions are often the legacy we carry as we disengage from ourselves. I recovered from alcohol & sexual addictions once I was able to understand why.
17. Confronting may be the right thing to do but first ensure you deal with how you are, get better and then deal with the actions you wish to take. It's sometimes to early and chances are the person who abused you will not admit it. Once you are secure in your truth then you can decide what you wish to do.
18. Be kind to the people who are around you who want to help you, especially the people who you share your story with.
19. Know that you , as you are now, are not flawed, broken, damaged or unfixable, you are a survivor of a difficult experience and you are transitioning from the old version of you to the new. There is pain in that birth but go with it.
20. If you feel unsafe or suicidal please have a person who you can text or call who can help you. I'm not saying it will happen but be prepared to work with those feelings if you have them.
21. Try mindfulness meditation - it saved my life.

I apologise for the long post, I know whenever I was stuck these were the things people told me/ I learned - I hope they help.

Another thread here might help:http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=93152032&utm_source=notification&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=notification#post93152032


Take care, post here and let me know how you are doing.

X

Queen-Mise

The recovery of the effects of sexual abuse is long, horrible, and very difficult. I'm not going to sugar coat it as I would be doing me and you a disservice.

Like you and other poster, I also had all the addiction issues. I'll be of drink and drugs 17 years this year. I am still working through past stuff. In fact I just headed back into psychotherapy again. I also spent 7 years with rape crisis centre.

It would takes me 24 hours to tell you what I've been through. Its a miracle I'm alive and I'm not being melodramatic saying that. Even I don't fully comprehend how 'sick' I was when I stopped drinking etc in my twenties. I suffered various forms of abuse from 3 1\2 until 16. When I went to therapy I had no self pre-abuse, I had to build myself from scratch.

The one thing about sexual abuse it is a crime to the soul. It utterly twists who you are as a person. To be honest I still struggle with the depths of the damage that was done to me, or even to get a grasp of it.

And then there is all the accompanying problems like the sexual issues, food, depression etc.

I did the courtcase and the person involved was a family member.

I do not forgive because that to me in some ways condones what happened. I let it go because I had to or else it was going to kill me. Most of the time I can look at the person with ambivalence and then at times I still want to put an axe through their head. Luckily I have never been in their company when those thoughts happened.

Not sure what else to say. If you want to ask questions please do and I'll answer anything you want to know.

I'll end on a positive. Going through this process will give you self knowledge that is invaluable. The help you will be able to give people on a daily basis is humbling. Whether it is replying to a post online, understanding pain of a family member, friend, stranger etc. Sometimes all someone needs is an ear that hears what they are saying.

cloud493

Same things happened to me when I was a child, physically and sexually abused by a family member.

Just, don't let it consume you. I know thats easier said than done, but this isn't your fault. You were a child. It was their job to protect you and look after you, they didn't do that, thats on them, not you. That doesn't make it any better, I know, just bear it in. I believe personally, although I'm not the best example of it perhaps, that the best way to get through it is to live well, don't let them beat you. You are stronger than this.