Insecure about his ex

LegacyUser

I'm in a relationship nearly 2 years now, and unfortunately for me my boyfriends ex (lets call her Sarah) is very much tied to his family. She is his sisters best friend. So about 3/4 times in a year through social/family occasions I run in to her. The problem for me is that I just get wound up about it. I'm at a stage where I need to cop on, and stop getting worked up but I don't know how!

Its funny at these events, she always seems so cold to my bf (which I should be thankful for I guess haha!), when he is warm to her. She wont converse with him unless its a no choice situation. But fairness she is always polite and nice to me, and likewise I am to her...and its fine for the first couple of hours, but then I begin to work myself up. Things like 'shes blonde, I'm not as attractive as her because I'm brunette', 'she has a cool job, and i work in a boring office job', 'They used to get stoned together and I never smoke'. And then its little comments from the family, like his cousin bringing up a gig they went to before my time, and how much fun they had. It makes me feel so insecure, or his sister saying 'oh remember this time when we went here' (as in Sarah and my bf, with his sisters family). I feel like crap then. They were so tight knit when he was with Sarah, but when they broke up, he distanced himself from his sister because he couldn't handle Sarah being around. And I know they dont say things things on purpose to make me feel weird, but the comments stay with me and I end up overanalysing for the hour afterwards.

I know I'm the only one causing the hassle here,and I want to stop this insecurity. I live with my bf and love him very much, we rarely argue and just have so much fun together.
He has spoken a little about that relationship, like they had been together 3 years, and from the sounds of it she broke it off with him, which I think if he had broke it off with her I wouldnt feel so insecure. I came across a journal of his when we moved in together and found entries from the time about how heartbroken he was, and lonely he was without her etc. I've never told him I read that stuff.

I don't know why exactly they broke up but I think some of it had to do with fighting after drinking. He has made comment about how she can overdo the drinking. Also after one family event after a nights drinking someone had said she had scored the barman at 2am, when I asked which one my bf goes 'probably all of them'. Also I don't drink too often, and after one night where the bf and I got ****faced we had an hilarious night together and the next day he was so surprised, at being that drunk and for us not to fight, and for it to be a great night. He was genuinely confused that we didn't argue.

Anyway I don't know...I guess I'd just love to hear someone elses opinion on how I can let my feelings towards her go, and for it to be not the only thing on my mind at a family event, and the week leading up to and after the event. Or if anyone else has had to deal with the same situation? I'm just so frustrated.

retro:electro

It sounds like an alright situation to be honest. Two people break up respectfully and amicably. They can be cordial in each other's company and not make it awkward for everyone involved, she's even nice and respectful to you. Sounds like as an ideal a situation as it can be tbh. You only see her 3 times a year; stop making an issue where there is none.

zeffabelli

Stop reading his journals.

njs030

I think you need to stop thinking about her at all, its the only way to move past it. Stop comparing your relationship to theirs- your comment about the night out shows you seem to feel in competition, whatever ups and downs they had was in the past before he met you and don't matter anymore!

Next time you feel your mind slipping into a jealous/insecure thought pattern refuse to dwell on it and force your thoughts in a different direction.

If you can try to remember what he wrote in a journal is perfectly natural after a breakup and its good that he has dealt with it and moved on to a happy relationship with you.

Finally, try to live in your own relationship. While you have one eye in his past you can't be properly committed to your current happiness and it will cause problems sooner or later.

Saralee4

Agreed with Anna, it's just one of those things and it seems to be handled as best it possibly can.

It does remind me of the Owen Wilson character in the movie Meet the Parents though so I can understand how it could get in on you a bit.

Your bf is with you and it sounds like you both are happy and have a great relationship.

padd b1975

I think the problem is more with your boyfriend and his family more so than with his ex who seems to be trying to do her best in awkward social occasions.

Has your boyfriend not copped that bringing up stuff that happened ages ago with his ex may make you feel uncomfortable and excluded??

Talk to him rather than sitting there stewing, you will only end up losing your temper at the wrong person-his ex...

retro:electro

padd b1975 wrote: »

I think the problem is more with your boyfriend and his family more so than with his ex who seems to be trying to do her best in awkward social occasions.

Has your boyfriend not copped that bringing up stuff that happened ages ago with his ex may make you feel uncomfortable and excluded??

Talk to him rather than sitting there stewing, you will only end up losing your temper at the wrong person-his ex...

It's not her boyfriend or even the ex that bring up the past, it's the sister and the family. And in fairness they're well entitled to talk about their memories of events and occasions. Just because the op is insecure doesn't mean people aren't allowed to talk and laugh about their past.