Short story - D4 Life

Robsweezie

hey CW, would like some feedback on this piece I did a couple years ago, it's slang-heavy with some hairy language, have a read:



Alicia S. knew what she wanted in life. She was tall, with a thin frame, bronzely tanned skin and a freckle here and there. She was always digging through her pile of clothes, clumsily strewn about her unsightly dirty room. She'd had enough of playing hard to get, and, Fake Bake in one hand and curling tongs in the other, resolved to settle things ...tonight. She would come home with a 'fleh' and see how it went from there.

She trotted hastily down the stairs in her best leggings and Penneys garb that gave a complimentary view of her neckline. She reached for her heels that were always giving her grief at the end of some hard nights (her feet were 'in bits' as she put it) but still resolved to wear the heels in question (they matched her outfit) One departing hug and kiss to her beloved mother and out the door she went, her terrier barking after her and her mother with a mug of coffee in hand, seeing her off lovingly as she waited for X Factor and the chinese to come.

She set off down the darkened road to the end of her estate, to be joined by close friend Megan Lawless. A small, bunty looking thing who was always in the shadow of Alicia, as she was the ( admittedly) wider of the two, and she could count on one hand the number of boys she had 'met' in her lifetime ( four to be exact, two were with desperate 'rotteners' looking for a bit of skirt and the two others were gay D4 twins who wanted to prove their heterosexuality. Megan grew tired of her dawdy, Plain Jane, undesirable image , and shared Alicia's desire to end the night with a 'fleh' on her arm.

Walking side by side , Megan excitedly waxed lyrical of her joy at the prospect of finding true happiness on this night. 'Sure, wouldn't it be class like, seein' me with a proper fleh?' she mused, licking her lips. 'Yeah, buh ye havta make shur dat he's nice like, an noh a rottener!' 'Ah here, are you sayin' dat I only go wih rotteners'? Megan barked back. ' No...well eh, yih haven't goh a very gud track record have ye? ' Bad out, Aleeshah ye bitch! Alicia watched as Megan lunged towards her in mock outrage and pinched her arm. Alicia writhed in pain. 'Me bleedin' arm is only wrecked now, luk wah yih did, the skin is cummin off me arm an I'm bleedin' like! Alicia pushed Megan angrily. 'Ah babes I'm sorry' here have a tissue tih cleen up de blood hun' Megan reached into her pocket and pulled out a used Kleenex covered in snot. 'Ihhhhhhh!, dahssss bleedin covered in snohhhhs! You're ****in sick you are!' 'Sorry Aleesha it's all I have like' didn't realise! ' Ih's alri babes, here jus cumon de clubs noh far now! Alicia didn't want anything to ruin this night,even Megan and her hijinx.

The local D4 heads creeped out from a nearby Spar scoffing sausage rolls that Sidney's dad had payed for. Sidney was the socialite of the town, everyone knew her name, and she made sure of it. Blonde, busty and beautiful, she was a stereotype of sorts, Mean Girls's Plastics would have her in their gang in a heartbeat. She was trailed by flamboyant twins, Lloyd and Boyd, the alleged closet 'gays' who had an encounter with Megan, Mairead, the sidekick of Sidney who was friends with her since childhood (lovely!) and her boyfriend Alan, a gangly, stocky guy who was an aspiring rugby player and was on bit of a losing streak recently.

Alicia and Megan trotted up towards the main door of the club when the D4s struck, looking to stick their claws in to the girls. ' Would ya lookish, guys, it's Donkey and Fiona out for the night, Shrek must've had enough of you by now, eh honeys? Sidney bragged, grinning from ear to ear. The gang laughed in a choreographed fashion.

'Eh, s'cuse me hun?! Says the one with the split ends and the roots bleedin' pokin ourra her hair! Megan snapped back. 'Ah Megan, I see the five O' clock shadow hasn't gone yet! Still , that hormone treatment must have some side effects eh? ' Boyd chuckled, referring to Megan's unfortunate bout of hormonal imbalance leading to a growth of facial hair. ' Shurrup yis benders! I bet yissir bummin' each uder now, since yih can find nobidy else to meet ye yis queers!' Megan roared with sheer contempt.

'Listen, Donkey, I suggest you take yourself and your fat mess yoke thingy away from the premises royshhhh, we don't want a scene loikkke!' Sidney gushed, pointing at Alicia who had stayed quiet for the duration of the slagging match. She wasn't the type who was riled easily, unless it was over something or somebody she really cared about.

But this was the straw that broke the camel's back . Incensed at their arrogance, Alicia stepped forward, grabbed a half-eaten sausage roll from the hands of Boyd, turned to Sidney and crushed the sausage roll in such a fashion that the grease ridden crumbs rained down on Sidney, then rubbing the remainder of the sausage roll in her face, with her now grease-covered hands.

Sidney screamed, and froze in disbelief. Mairead leaned forward and dug her nails into Alicia's hair, pulling and tugging with force. Megan jumped, and dived on Mairead, who was pulled back by Alan. Megan went a step further and reached for her 3 euro Pennies bag, producing a near full bottle of Fanta. She then threw the sticky , fizzy drink over a restrained Mairead.
Amist screaming and cussing, a burly , suited bouncer emerged from the doors and had seen enough. They were all in trouble and somebody was being sent home....... 'Go hoome, your not gettin in 'ere with those gobs on ya! he insisted in a Mancunian accent. All this was directed at Alicia and Megan, who tried to reassure the bouncer that they would not cause trouble, but to no avail and were turned away as the D4 gang sauntered into the club, looking less than sharp. Alicia's night was ruined, and she was now stuck with an irate Megan on the walk home.

This was her chance , her night, and this club was packed full of potential love interests that caught her eye over the past few weeks, but now it was curtains. Nobody would touch her, or Megan for that matter, after seeing what she was capable of.

Alicia didn't recognise the person she became that night, as she stood in front of the mirror, make up running down her cheeks. At that moment, in the words of Coldplay, Every Teardrop was indeed a Waterfall.

expatinator

The Good: I think you got the accent down. It was quite amusing to read and it was like being back at home. Although, I thought D4 were upper class?

The Bad: Some of the sentences did seem to run out of control. The neckline and penney sentence is a good example. Imo, it could have been shortened.

The just me: I have a dislike against all the dialogue happening in one sentence I think Ross O Carrol Kelly has that format, but I'm not a big fan of it.

Keep up the writing

Robsweezie

expatinator wrote: »

The Good: I think you got the accent down. It was quite amusing to read and it was like being back at home. Although, I thought D4 were upper class?

The Bad: Some of the sentences did seem to run out of control. The neckline and penney sentence is a good example. Imo, it could have been shortened.

The just me: I have a dislike against all the dialogue happening in one sentence I think Ross O Carrol Kelly has that format, but I'm not a big fan of it.

Keep up the writing

I thought the same of the dialogue, maybe a but too full on in one sentence, but I guess it reflects the fast flowing, in your face, excitable back and forth exchanges of the two girls.

the title is a reference to their experiences with the d4 crowd, in a d4 setting, their struggles to fit in.

cheers for the feedback, its always welcome

EileenG

Agreed, I'd have expected D4 to be upper class, borrowing Daddy's Merc and designer clothes, not Penney's shoes and Spar sausage rolls.

I'd have liked to have heard the name of the estate, street, club. Give a sense of place.

Why was this her only opportunity to get a fella? Surely there will be other nights? And as all this happened outside the club, why would anyone inside know about it?

I found the dialogue a bit difficult to follow. A bit of phonetically spelled idiom goes a long way.

You have a good ear for people talking, but try to lay it out better. Only one person should speak per paragraph.

I kind of got the feeling you didn't like any of the people in your story, as if you were looking down your nose at all of them. It made it hard for me to sypathise with them.