Providing Emotional Support to Others

The Strawman Argument

So yeah, just wondering how everyone feels they're at it?

Are there any people who expect some level of emotional support from you in their lives? Why do you think they chose you?
What kind of things do you do to help? (e.g. do you talk specifically about whatever's on their mind, give them a respite from it by doing something to help distract them, etc...)
Do you find it hard to engage in such things?
Have you ever been complimented or criticised for you efforts or lack thereof? (e.g. maybe your approach has received a negative response despite totally good intentions, what in particular was criticised in that case)



Not sure if it's just that I come from a farming background or it's more general, but most the men in my extended family tend to not expect any kind of emotional support and are pretty critical of any kind of problems people have which aren't purely physical, I'd never expect anything but abuse if I opened up to any of them.

I think I'm mostly pretty good at, I've received compliments for my efforts from a bunch of people over the years at least. A lot of the time it involves me picking up on something being wrong rather than someone outright approaching me to talk about a problem so I don't know how people feel about me in that respect overall.
Regarding negatives, I'm not a very openly affectionate person or anything like that, so even when I know a person needs a hug or whatever, any attempt to do so will be pretty awkward. I've also been told that, while I usually have good contributions to make and suggestions for actions to take, I'm overly pragmatic in the moment.

LegacyUser

Yes, my wife.

Ever since we've been married (15 years now at this stage) she always has something to be emotionally supported with. In the beginning I was happily doing it but in the last few years something happened us out of the blue which was very hard on us both emotionally - neither of our faults, but very bad luck.

Lately I am becoming more and more fed up with it. Funnily enough we have 2 daughters, the older one is like me, and the younger one is like her.

5rtytry56

Indeed I have given morale Support to another man older than me by about 20 years. Let's call him matt - not his real name. This was to another member in 'some club' which I won't name. This support went on for a period of 3 years. On one occasion, this individual came into the club meeting room ranting about how bad the Catholic Church was. Also, he said that most meetings are boring in the club. He sat at our clique's table within the club. I've left the club now, and have no further contact with him, except I saw him the the street 3 weeks ago thereabouts.
I said hello to him, and quipped it's my birthday tomorrow, for some banter.
The next day in my email(he has my email) I got an email from him saying happy birthday jon - matt.
Glad he is out of my life by and large now though.

The Strawman Argument

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

So yeah, just wondering how everyone feels they're at it?

Getting better at it I think. I have made a point of reading a lot of books people might read if they were studying psychology and-or psychiatry. Which has mediated how I might respond to people needing such assistance a bit. Certainly I am more a listener and a guide to helping them find their own path these days - whereas in the past I might have been more inclined to TELL them what I think they need to do - or even get involved in getting it done myself.

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

Are there any people who expect some level of emotional support from you in their lives? Why do you think they chose you?

Yeah quite a few - and for a few reasons - though three jump out more than others.

The first that jumps to mind is I do make myself available for it and make myself approachable for it. The second is that being in a slightly unconventional relationship - and being open about it - makes people feel you are somehow approachable. And finally I do guided meditation "classes" and things like that. And being the "teacher" in that kind of scenario makes people look at you as something of a spiritual guide too. So over all I seem to give off an overal approachability thing related to this. And I am happy enough to maintain that as long as it does not impact on my own life too heavily - which thus far it has not.

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

What kind of things do you do to help? (e.g. do you talk specifically about whatever's on their mind, give them a respite from it by doing something to help distract them, etc...)

A little of all of that. As I said above I nowadays mediate my urges to give them direct advice or assistance - unless directly asked to or I really think it the right thing to do.

For the most part being an ear - giving a perspective on things they might not otherwise have come to themselves - and then after that - as you say yourself - helping them get their mind off it so they can come at it all fresh again later - are all good things.

More often than not it seems - what people want is not help and advice - but the knowledge that someone else knows their issue and understands.

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

Do you find it hard to engage in such things?

Not so bad - but it _can_ be very draining the more emotionally invested you become in a person and-or their situation. My brothers wife - an addiction counselling nurse - put it well to me once. Part of psychiatry and counselling is to almost take a portion of the burden of the other person on to yourself to consume it for them. And that can only drain you a little.

The most draining thing to maintain is impartiality. But I appear to be good at that - as there have been times I have found I am offering support and an ear and more to people on BOTH sides of an issue. And that is not always easy to do.

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

Have you ever been complimented or criticised for you efforts or lack thereof? (e.g. maybe your approach has received a negative response despite totally good intentions, what in particular was criticised in that case)

Not directly but as I said above - when you try to give direct advice or become directly involved - while people MIGHT not react negatively directly to you and say "dont do that" - you might find that they simply do not come back to you again for help the next time.

Similarly while some people do thank you directly and say how great you were - you find actions speaking louder than words and their acts of friendship - things they do to show they remember you or are thinking you - gifts they bring you - all tell you how appreicated you were.

Usually when I am thanked for what I do - I tell people the best thanks would be to simply do what I did when THEY find someone who needs it. And the best thanks I ever get - and a true indication of what my value to a person was - is when I see them take that to heart and I find them sharing the Karma and passing on the time and resources I put into them - onto someone else in turn.

Very little makes me happier at any efforts I make in my life than seeing that.

Sleepy

anonymousforthisone wrote: »

Yes, my wife.

Ever since we've been married (15 years now at this stage) she always has something to be emotionally supported with.

Honestly, aside from the 15 years bit (we're only together half that), I could have written this.

I'm a problem solver by nature so I'm not really the sort to seek emotional support tbh, I'd rather be given space and time to figure out solutions than have someone empathise with me and the older I get, the more I find myself becoming less tolerant of those who want the opposite.

Aidric

Most men are are guilty of bottling up their true feelings or maybe it's just an Irish thing. In my experience the best thing you can do for a mate is give them space when they're going through a rough patch and let them know you're they're for them when they're ready to talk.

Being a good listener is all they need in this time, effectively acting as a sounding board for their worries. In the end they will work it out for themselves upon reflection.

Sleepy

I'm going to come across very old fashioned in this post but I'm not so sure that not being vocal about ones feelings is something men are "guilty" of... I think stoicism is a much-maligned positive trait of masculinity.

I can be the shoulder for someone else to cry on quite easily (in fact, as a former Childline volunteer, I've received fairly in-depth training in active-listening techniques etc.) but I don't gain much, if anything, from "unburdening" my feelings about things to a friend. I'll certainly use friends as sounding boards for potential solutions to problems or ask their advice if I think they might be able to help contribute to a solution to a problem but just talking about problems for the sake of talking about them and / or having someone else empathise with me isn't something I find particularly beneficial.

Fukuyama

Over the past few years I've learned to NOT be someone's shoulder to cry on for most people. You end up being the person they vent all their day-to-day **** at. It becomes particularly wearisome when said person is the victim in every story they tell.

An old mate of mine (a guy) was quite like this. He'd just dump everything at your feet and expect reassurance or advice.

Didn't get a job/second interview - whine. Large phone bill - whine. Failed a test - whine.


I don't mind it if someone has a death in the family, bad breakup or whatever. I'm not very good at comforting but I'll listen and encourage where appropriate.

I can't remember the last time I ever needed anyone else for emotional support. I generally just go for big walks and mull stuff over. I don't really do much logical thinking on these walks. I mostly just stew and contemplate things. Eventually after a few hours a solution or plan will begin to formulate. If not, I tend to realize I can't change much and put whatever it is out of my head.

I had an ex-girlfriend who hated this. Would very often be annoyed or upset at me over it. So I got used to opening up a little bit for her sake. Didn't do much good really. And it frustrates me that the general consensus is that there must be something "wrong" with you if you don't vocalize every little thoughts, insecurity or feeling that pops into your skull.

The Strawman Argument

Cool guys, thanks for the replies!

RE: stoicism vs being open; it doesn't, and shouldn't, have to be wholly one way or the other. There's nothing especially impressive about not addressing your feelings when something's going on that you're vehemently against, like. On the other hand, I'm generally pretty reserved with this kind of thing, trying to seek any kind of emotional reassurance more often than not would just lead to me spending ages trying to explain the issue and feeling annoyed when the other person can't get a grasp on a thing I can't put into words, I'm sure there's plenty of people similar enough.

I would say if you've got people who are just constantly whining to you about stuff; there's a very good chance you're probably not doing a great job at offering support to them in that you're just feeding their neediness by trying to avoid challenging them on their ****.

Sleepy wrote: »

Honestly, aside from the 15 years bit (we're only together half that), I could have written this.

I'm a problem solver by nature so I'm not really the sort to seek emotional support tbh, I'd rather be given space and time to figure out solutions than have someone empathise with me and the older I get, the more I find myself becoming less tolerant of those who want the opposite.

Was that aspect of the relationship part of the reason you didn't mind before? i.e. you liked being able to support someone?

I slip into the role of problem solver pretty easily with people, I was effectively forced into it at a very young age at home and still seem to be the person everyone comes to with their issues, pretty much every evening of my first year at uni was having to deal with calls from everyone at home about the day's argument and I had to try and negotiate a solution.
Was a big ego trip by times in some relationships but I've definitely grown weary of the consequences for me and of the kinds of people who seem to be actively seeking it, that kind of person is just looking for someone to become dependent on and I neither want that responsibility forced onto my conscience or the guilt that it was my own fault.