Dealing with backhanded comments

Vixen24

I am currently in counseling, and one thing I am learning is that i have no idea how to deal with anger, I implode and get depressed rather than explode and get my anger out. This is partially to do with the environment i grew up in, though I love my family, my brother was a bully and I came to hate conflict. Because of this, I have people in my life, family members and inlaws, who have no problem making backhanded or passive aggressive comments to me, dirty looks, belittling remarks, smart arsed comments (please believe when I say this, I am not imagining this, I have my issues but paranoia isn't one of them) I believe they do it because I normally just ignore them.Maybe they feel i am fair game? I always believed ignoring was taking the high road, but now i am beginning to realise maybe I need to say something as the ignoring isn't working. I was bullied for a period of 2 years in my last job, and i found it very difficult to stand up for myself, though I did manage to in the end, I never want to be in that position again, so gradually I am becoming more assertive, but its taking time, what do you do when someone makes a cutting or passive agressive remark to you? Do you ignore or challenge it? I am trying to find a happy medium and not go too much one way or the other.

Hoochiemama

Vixen24 wrote: »

I am currently in counseling, and one thing I am learning is that i have no idea how to deal with anger,

This is the key here really. You are becoming aware of what your issue is and WHY it is that way. Awareness is the main thing needed to start on the road of change.... gaining that alone deserves a pat on the back.

It cant be an overnight change. Its not something you will wake up tomorrow and know how to do.

Im the same in a way - I am learning through studying and attending counselling that I have problems confronting people, even for the tiniest thing that might cause me anxiety. For example, due to my upbringing, I have a real issue when people are late. My best friend is ALWAYS late and this causes me anxiety but she is clueless because I never confront her about it.

Im discussing with my therapist, how to get over this. She is helping me come up with techniques to confront this behaviour.... its still really hard though as Im fighting the habit of a lifetime

Hmmm, maybe discussing how to change your habit pattern is something you could raise with your counsellor?

Rubberchikken

I agree with ↑↑. Talking with your counsellor about tactics to deal with that type of behaviour is a good idea.

Csn never understand how people can treat others like that. To me it's pathetic behaviour and smacks of jealousy.

Hope things work out for you.

Vixen24

Thank you very much for the replies and encouragement, its much appreciated.Yes It has helped me to know I dont deal well with anger and confrontation. I have discussed with my counselor but getting my counselor to commit to specific techniques around such comments hasn't come to the fore, I think her area is more related to depression , which at the moment suits. I suppose I was wondering what other people do when confronted with barbed comments? Would you ask someone to explain themselves? I think the example about being late is a good one, and your friend not knowing how much it upsets you, I have endless examples of that, where I am upset or annoyed and people have a vague idea about it but I never confront the issue head on. I definitely cant go on like that, as it is giving me bad bouts of depression. If I could go back to being a young girl I would change alot about what I was thought about anger, its a human emotion not just a male one!

MrWalsh

Vixen I also find this kind of thing very difficult, more so in a work environment.

One of my problems is that if I do get angry/upset it can take me a long time to cool down and get past it - this is not a good state of mind to be in in a workplace so I really try not to - but this can result in me not addressing bad behaviour. Its actually happening me right now in work, my boss is a very difficult person and he was really rude to me yesterday - I was so taken aback that I didnt say anything in the moment and now that the moment has passed I am afraid that if I do say something I will get angry and itll end up being a hard situation for me to get past.

Hoochiemama

A big thing that my counsellor said to me about addressing my friend is "when you dont address that anxiety with her, where does that anxiety go? You swallow it down because dont release it and it accumulates inside of you" That was a pretty eye opening thing to hear.

Sorry I cant be of more help with how to address the backhandness....

ShowMeTheCash

Hopefully the counselling goes well and they can help you resolve some issues.

I have been close to a number of people who have had counselling and for at least a few of them it has had a very positive impact on their lives.

From my experience dealing with people with depression is that anger is almost always the first thing you see and usually the anger is aimed at the people they care about the most.

Anger is an easy emotions and one a lot of people give into with depression and for people with no underlying mental illness.

You mention that you are are ignoring the backhanded comments made by your inlaws, but the truth is you are not ignoring it, it is having an effect on you.

You mention this is not in your head, and I can take you at your word, but can i ask are they like this with everyone else or do you believe it is aimed specifically at you?

In my experience people with depression and anger issues find is easy to criticise others but take criticism very personally, small issues get blown out of proportion and can be under the illusion that the world is a fair place and people should like you.

You will hear people say "It's like water off a ducks back" sometimes it is OK to take on board citisism if it is constructive but equally it is imporant to know when to let things go.

It is important to stand up for yourself, don't let anyone abuse you. But it is also equally important to look at your own behaviour, no one needs to put up with any behaviour from you either.

Your underlying issues with anger may or maynot be contributing to the friction with the inlaws but hopefully with the counselor you might get to a place where these comments really do not impact on you at all.

Queen-Mise

I can give you some practical tips and suggestions.

Is there any chance you could give an example or two of the type of comments said. Don't mind if they sound or look petty when written down. They usually do and these comments have such a capacity to hurt.

Generally I'd say call them out on it. So if is a comment with a double barb then address the overt comment and ignore the other.
Highlight the ambiguity in the comment. Ask in the same as if you didn't understand directions or an explanation.
Or if the comment is not that subtle, then say I'm not sure if you are giving me compliment x or insulting me with y. Say it in a really nice tone of voice.
Or even comment 'I'm not sure if that was a compliment or insult.

People don't like being called out on these comments, so after a couple of times MOST will become more careful.

These won't work for all. Some people are naturally confrontational and will take any perceived slight and argue. Some people are clueless and couldn't pick up a hint if it hit them in the face attached to an anvil.

You'll learn. Who it is worth being assertive too and those not to be do, avoid as much as possible.

Vixen24

Hi apologies for late reply. The people who make ongoing comments are 2 in particular, I avoid when I can, but its not always possible. Some of the examples would be quiet personal so I dont want to give me ID away. However comments about my weight, ongoing comments about how if "people" aren't going to "procreate" why did they bother marrying?I will say something, perhaps given an opinion on an issue, or mention something I might want to do and its inevitably followed by "yeah right", "yeah right you will" or eyerolling (this is very regular,) , comments such as I hate people that... (insert reference to something I literally mean literally just said, did, want to do). I dont mean to be vague but some of it is very specific to my personal life so I am trying to give a nod to what I am talking about. Its not end of world stuff just ongoing digs, and whilst at the beginning I genuinely didnt care, it has kind of worn me down a bit, so yes you are correct it has been affecting me. When I was in the height of depression I was definitely more introverted and less social, and this might have been taken personally by some people so that would be a vibe I was giving off myself, however I am definitely back to myself at the moment due to counselling but the digs havent diminished by the 2 main offenders, which is why I am considering mentioning it from now on. Also to answer you question, the worse person can be very sharp, myself and another girl in the family get it far more however from what i can tell. Thank you for any feedback.

Queen-Mise

It really sounds as if they have issues with you, which is typically one of two: jealousy and/or bullying.

I'd be intrigued to know if the stuff you are involved in is stuff they would like to do if they were able. That would explain jealousy. Reading into your post you don't have kids and they do. They may be jealous of your free time.

That marriage one is nasty. I'd pull that one straight up in this way 'you know that is a horrible and insensitive thing to say to anyone. You have no idea of any personal or health difficulties a couple may have'.

On the eye rolling, ask if they have something in their eye. Sometimes its finding ways of standing up for yourself without necessarily being confrontational.

Talk to your counsellor and discuss different ways of standing up for yourself. Experiment and see what works.

As I said already some people have no tact or subtlety whatsoever. It doesn't sound as if this is the case though.

Vixen24

Thank you for your helpful and insightful feedback, the children comments wont be happening again, I was just very taken aback each time that it was said but I know better now. I dont know if they are jealous, I dont really have anything they, as people, would consider of value so I wouldnt necessarily say that, I do think however it makes them feel powerful to say such things without consequence and I need to stop that, these are if I am honest people who are a bit hurt in certain ways. I dont want to be a victim of bullying again and I wont be. I appreciate the feedback, as it has made me realise that my silence is being interpreted as some kind of consent.

Andsoitwas

Hi op,

Frequent lurker and first time poster! and this has really struck a chord wth me. This issue is something I have grappled with often and have spent some time thinking it through. I have come to the conclusion that these exchanges are about power and shame, but mostly shame, or maybe this is how I can best understand it. Consider the situation;.
You: " I'd really love to do x"
Other person : " what, eh that sounds like a terrible idea etc "
Two possible ways of responding.
Your face may drop a little, you may blush, feel a little shame and mumble something or say nothing or in become angry and begin to justify you choice. In effect they now believe that their judgement matters to you, you are demonstrating that you may not be confident in your choices and are influenced by their appraisal of your choices. You are then essentially willingly handing over the power to another.

An alternative response might be.
You: " I'd love to do x"
Other person: " what, eh that sounds terrible etc etc.

You: " really you think. I think it sounds great".
Other person: " well....... And multiple reasons why etc etc". I find if you continue to explain why you think or want to do something you are really just reinforcing that their opinion matters and are looking for their approval. By just stating yes it's something your like to do and responding with " if you think so"( or something along those lines) you are standing firm in your own choices and judgement and holding onto your own power. Op, this is something I am trying to perfect in my own life and no, it's not easy but I do think shame plays a big role in it for me anyway. Once I have confidence in my own choices and judgements I find I am not as easily affected by another persons remark and can respond from a stronger position. Hope this helps op.

santana75

The best way to deal with back handed comments and passive aggressive behavior is with cutting humour(Banter). Always be funny and good humoured, as soon as you take it seriously you're gone and will be targeted. Theres no fun in trying to wind someone up when all they do is take the piss out of you in return or not seem to be bothered by it all. Theres one guy I know and he's impossible to wind up. If you slag him off he'll laugh and maybe make a joke about it, like I remember someone saying to him, Jaysus Mick youre a fat b###tard, he just laughed and said "yeah, but the ladies love me". It wasnt so much what he said but the way he said it, with a smile on his face and not showing that it bothered him at all. And the guy trying to get at him up just gave up.
If someone isnt as overt as that and is taking a passive aggressive dig at you, just laugh and call them out on it. Again, dont get serious, thats the worst thing you can do. I find though that the more you're squared away with yourself the less any comments will get to you, so I think the most important thing is to work on yourself and how you interpret and react to what people say. Afterall you cant control what people say and theres always gonna be assholes in the world. The question is are you gonna let what others say get to you or not? Its a choice.

dellas1979

Hi OP - couple things here....

First of all, please realise that when you find your voice/become more assertive, and you are ready, you will be putting people on the back foot, and they will not like this (because they've never been put in line before by you).

It will take some adjustment on your part, and on their part.

Some will fall out with you (for standing up for yourself). Remember, those who truely matter will not fault you.

Youve got to be OK with this...as in, not taking it personally (for having an opinion). I bet the first time you practice (and its all about practicing) you'll fall to pieces AND be proud of yourself at the same time

One thing you can maybe practice (maybe run this by your councellor first) is pushing it back on the other person. As in the comment "If "people" aren't going to "procreate" why did they bother marrying?". Response would be "why are you so interested?" or "whats that got to do with you?". Its called mirroring back (instead of taking it all on yourself).

Again, "youve put on weight". Response "why would you make that comment? Thats not a very nice comment you made".

It makes people responsible for whats coming out of their mouth, rather than you just taking it all onboard. It takes practice. And as I said, youve got to realise, some people are not going to like that youre finding your voice, as they are used to you another way.

I cant stress how liberating it is. But remember, its all about practicing. The more you practice (when you are ready), the more able you become.

Vixen24

Thanks everyone so much, genuinely great advice from you all and i really appreciate people have actually taken time to write. I am kind of relieved to know its something other people are aware of and also struggle with, because in my mind for the longest time, I felt it was petty to bother with addressing the behaviour, now I realise its the comments being made which are petty. Interestingly, I can feel myself becomming more assertive, only yesterday one of the individuals in question was talking about me as though I wasnt in the room, a bizarre scenario to say the least, anyhow I put a stop to it, not in an aggressive way at all, but simply by saying "you can ask me yourself and no I am not afraid of that" (in reference to what they were discussing). Anyhow late on I felt anxious but also proud, as Dellas1979 suggested, not a big deal I know for many who dont struggle with assertiveness , but for me it was, baby steps!