I'd prefer to live alone. Is this normal?

LegacyUser

In a relationship 11 years. Lived together just us about 4 years. We stayed in houeshares with large groups of people for a few years before that.

I hate sharing. I have always hated sharing. From as far back as finishing primary school, I've always had dreams of living alone.

I'm not antisocial, have lots of friends and am often described as outgoing, bubbly and friendly.

I love spending time with my friends.
I love spending time with my oh too but I hate living together.

Most of the time it's fine and I'm fairly comfortable and happy. But for at least 3 days or so every single week, I just wish he'd feck off and lived somewhere else.

His mere presence begins to irritate me. This happens for at least 3 days every week.

It's my house so I won't be leaving. Yes I did say MY and not "our" house. Someone who contributes nothing to very little financially doesn't get to call it his house.
He knows this and he also knows I'd prefer if he got his own place but he refuses to do anything about that probably because he thinks he can't afford it as it would interfere with all the money he spends on things for himself. Which is true I suppose.

I was so much happier when we lived apart. We would spend about 4 full days and nights together then I had at least 3 days to myself.

I hate all his "stuff" taking up space, I hate how he takes over completely in the living areas, hogs the remote constantly, blares music at a deafening sound every week, wastes money on rubbish that could be spent on more important things, and hate the fact that no amount of talking or arguing gets him to change.

The thing is though, even if none of these problems existed, even if he was PERFECT, I'm pretty sure I would still want to live alone at least for some of the week. I feel I need about 2 -3 nights a week by myself.

It's once in a blue moon I get ANY time alone anymore and it's driving me mad. The very rare occasion I know I'm going to have a full day to myself I'm so happy. I can't explain it well, it's just this sense of complete happiness and calm, and peacefulness and I get super productive at things I want and need to do. Just this energy and cheerfulness and it feels like it recharges my good mood so I'm in a better mood when I do see him again.

Ideally he would have his own place too, and we would still live with each other for about 4 or 5 days of the week in either of our houses. Even 2 days alone would probably make me so much happier.
How common is this? Despite my giving out I love my boyfriend very much, I wouldn't have stayed with him 11 years if I didn't and obviously there are loads of great things about him too. He doesn't seem to understand this need I have though. It's not just him I have a problem with, it is sharing with ANYBODY permanently that makes me so unhappy. I love my own independence, I love my own place, my own rules and my own company sometimes, and I just feel miserable when these things are not being met.

Why may I be like this?

MrWalsh

Why doesn't he contribute anything financially? You sound very resentful about that (don't blame you).

And no, I've known relationships, even a couple of marriages where the people involved lived in their own places but spent time in each other's. I'd say it's normal enough.

Rubberchikken

Do you love him? Do you even like him?
You sound mature, he sounds like a student!
There's nothing wrong with wanting space to ourselves but you sound resentful and the things that are causing that are sorted it's going to eat away at you.

hoodwinked

it really does depend imo.

do you plan on having children?
if you do, then living apart is not going to be very practical not to mention you will probably have to live with your children (unless he takes them to his) so in this case i would suggest maybe you should start seeking help with your issue of having someone live with you (children also invade spaces and do not keep things tidy)

if you don't AND your oh is happy with it then by all means suggest he move out and go back to seeing each other a few days a week.

if you don't want children but your oh wants you both to live together, then i would see problems in your relationship for you both down the line, and the bottom line is if either of you are unhappy there is no point in continuing in the relationship surely?

jopax

Yes, I do think its normal to want to live alone if that is what you want.

Is it just that or does the other individual just annoy you that much, that you can't handle 7 days a week with him.

If it was me I would be wondering if he was the right one if he was getting on my nerves like that.

Maybe you do need to live alone or maybe you haven't found the Mr Right.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies.

To answer a few questions:

Yes I do love him very much, feel happy most of the time just very irritated and angry and trapped feeling a few times a week as I would feel with anyone, not necessarily just him.

He doesn't contribute equally financially because he spends majority of his money on himself basically, smokes a lot, drinks at weekend etc. He will chip in when he can, but he can never ever be relied upon for money. I know this is my own fault for having allowed this to continue and that he probably doesn't change because he knows I've put up with it so far, so why would he?

He does an equal share of housework and cooking and if anything is tidier than me.

No we don't ever want kids.

I have asked him to get his own place several times but he says he can't afford it, and doesn't want to share with strangers again. I don't want to kick him out on the street.

But financial issues aside, even if I get one problem sorted (his spending) and get him contributing 50/50 I still think I would be happiest having 2 or 3 days to myself.

This doesn't look possible anymore without breaking up (which I don't want to do), so I'm wondering if anybody has any ideas of how I could get over this trapped annoyed feelings I get so often. Maybe some coping strategies from people in relationships who get the same feelings of sometimes wanting time alone. How did you get over these feelings of wanting your own place, or is it something that is not possible and these feelings will never go?

I've had this feeling of wanting to have my own home to myself most of my life.
I'm not sure why really.

When I was younger one of my parents died and we lost our family home to the bank. We had to get council housing. I was raised by a single, very independent parent who was very loving but didn't rely on anybody but themself anymore and taught me well to be independent too. I don't know if this has any bearing on how I feel? I've worked from a very young age, and always wanted my own place that was completely mine, I will never marry. I hate the idea of being financially tied to anybody. I would be quite happy to pay for everything if I was living alone, but feel very strongly it should be 50/50 on household bills like esb, groceries and internet as we have the same income. So yes I do get bitter about that as I am now constantly completely broke.

But as I said, even if there was NO financial issues, I still just love my own space and feel an inner peace when I get a few days alone. I have always felt this way no matter who I was living with. Any ideas on ways to work around this? To clarify again, 4-5 days a week I am mostly ok/happy in his company. Then I get annoyed.... I don't think it's exclusive to him though as I've felt this about other people I've lived with too in houseshares.

orthsquel

I suppose it boils down to the fact that you hate sharing, that you are like that.
A home is a different thing to everyone, it sounds like where you live, your home is your private sanctuary where you can be yourself, and be comfortable in your own surroundings and that anyone else in your home is an invasion on your privacy and hinders general progress on whatever you may have to do, because your space has been invaded and taken over. I suppose that if you grew up as an only child it might have been normal to not have to share, just as much as if you grew up with siblings that often you would have had to share everything, even things you didn't want to share.

On the relationship side... you do sound angry and resentful about finances.... when I was reading your post I was thinking why is the person with their boyfriend if they annoy them so much? There are various points you bring up such as his wasteful spending, clutter, and one that really stood out, the fact he does not understand your need for your own space at all.

It is possible to me that rather than ending a relationship 10-11 years ago with someone that wasn't compatible and that you otherwise can't stand to be around for too long who annoys you, you continued a relationship out of familiarity or something that probably otherwise would have long ago ended because of aspects you can't stand about this person, and it is being played out in this fashion of not wanting to share your living space, your home with them. It doesn't sound like you really want them in your life tbh but are just denying facing up to a relationship that is crap with two people who just aren't compatible.

Or it could be just that you don't want to share your living space, your home, your life, your self, the person you are with anyone for some particular reason that probably nobody here can explain, and that might call a need for counselling.

I suppose if this has never been an issue before in 11 years of a relationship, why is this suddenly an issue to you now? What has changed?

strobe

I don't know if it's normal or not, but I'm the same. I've always preferred having somewhere that was just my own. Your post rings a lot of bells with me, I'm not an antisocial person or anything, I really like people and really like being around them. I just need a place I can go back to when I want that is just mine occasionally. Just have my own space and it be my own space. I've spent double of what I could have been spending on rent to have this when I really would have liked the extra money. And I love my girlfriend to bits, and count down the minutes until I get to see her again, but I still want my place to be my place and be able to have days where I know I am coming back there, and if I choose, then I will be able to be alone and just do whatever I want to do, how I do it, or not, it's up to me.

I will say though that I agree Orthsquel, there seems to be a bit of bitterness building (or fully built, after seeking planning permission and ensuring all the paperwork is in order...) there with the whole thing about "spending money on himself and not giving me any" stuff. That sh1t's toxic. Unbelievably so. The beginning of the end for the relationship, and just a matter of time. Have you asked him to contribute more and he just doesn't? Or are you just stewing over the issue and saying nothing like a dormant volcano?

Just have a conversation with him, about how you feel, that you're a person that needs that space to yourself. I wouldn't go off about him spending his money on himself or anything as your desire doesn't seem to be him staying there and spending less on himself.

You say you love him. Hopefully that's true. You'll just have to let him know that you aren't someone that wants to live with someone else. And take it from there. You just have to let him know how you feel, because sitting there and slowly starting to resent him isn't good for either of you and means the relationship is on a timescale where either he will leave because of how you are feeling or you will because of how you are.

zeffabelli

I don't know if its normal or not, but I am similar. I am a dreamer so I need a lot of solitude.

If this need isn't met I get very cranky.

I could live with someone if I had my own room and they were understanding if I needed to withdraw for a a couple days a week.

It seems what you are resenting is the dependency.

hoodwinked

livealone wrote: »

He doesn't contribute equally financially because he spends majority of his money on himself basically, smokes a lot, drinks at weekend etc. He will chip in when he can, but he can never ever be relied upon for money.

I have asked him to get his own place several times but he says he can't afford it, and doesn't want to share with strangers again. I don't want to kick him out on the street.
.

ok considering what you've said these two statements stand out to me, he smokes and drinks but can't afford to move out? it sounds more like he doesn't want to move out and why would he with you supporting him?

i would tell him you need your space back and he has 2 months to save up the deposit to rent somewhere else, if he drinks or smokes it thats his problem not yours but you will have him out in 2 months, or in the mean time charge him half the rent and put it aside yourself to cover a deposit on somewhere else.

maybe a kick up the rear like that will be the wake up call he needs,

MrWalsh

He sounds like an adult parasite. Itd be different if you were happy to support him but youre not, you actually want him to move out and support himself and he wont.

Do you own or rent the property? Depending on how long you are together he may have a claim on the property (if you own it) after 5 years together (see the Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act 2010.

The only way around this is to tell him to move out. And mean it.

Dark Phoenix

I am actually relieved to read your thread OP. I am very similar. I am a very chatty person and quite extrovert so people expect me to like company all the time but I don't. I really need and love my own space I've always been like that even when I lived at home I liked my own time to myself. I did live with someone for ten years and that was fine as we had our own interests so we were never joined at the hip. Even on holidays though I would find at the end I'd be looking for some time alone to myself. I am the same with friends - I can't cope with clingy people it drives me insane and i have ended up having to distance myself from some people because I couldnt cope with the constant texting etc. I live alone now and often get people including my family asking am I okay, am I lonely etc and I am grand I love living by myself I'd hate to house share with strangers or even live with friends I prefer to pay more to live by myself.

I think from reading you own post though you have two problems: 1) your need for personal space / alone time and 2) your boyfriend who from the sounds of it seems to treat you and your home as a convienience.

Could the first be fixed by simply sleeping in seperate bedrooms one or two nights a week or making seperate plans one of two days a week? If you find yourself just sat at home with him all the time every day that would drive you mad alright. If you have your own plans one or two days a week that might give you some alone time too.

In terms of your boyfriend yes eleven years is a long time ive done it but it breeds complacency and inertia. You are not happy with the situation so tackle it. The financial situation needs to be discussed or it will fester and annoy you more and more.

Ave Sodalis

I'm exactly the same OP. In fact, there's only two people I can spend longer than a week in their constant presence without getting aggitated, and that's my mother and my boyfriend. Indeed, one of the main reasons (if not the main reason) I knew I wanted to go out with my boyfriend is because I didn't want to strangle him after a few days talking to him. However, I do know that this hasn't been tested through living together and that I'm not certain how well that will work out.

We all need our own space. Some people, it's only for an hour or so, some people it's for a few days. I would consider this perfectly normal. Is there any chance of you creating a "you space" where there's just a room in the house, or a renovated shed or somewhere where you can just go and chill out and do your own thing where your boyfriend isn't allowed to go? You could get creative with it and stick up a hammock and a radio, or paint it in mad colours. Just something the represents you and doesn't have anyone elses influence.

Dark Phoenix

The above idea of having your own space within the home is a great one. Likewise have you any hobbies? Mine involve animals and I find that while many people will annoy me if I am in their constant presence, with animals its the opposite and I am so much calmer when I am around them. I call it my therapy - I can be stressed as hell after a hard day at work and yet an hour with a dog or horse and I am calm again

Leogirl

Have to say I'm very similar OP. I love my bf but I really love having a day or two alone. I also get resentful seeing his things messing up my house & most of the time I am able to tell myself that its his home too but there are days it just bugs me. I know I really am one of those people who just likes time alone. Most people dont seem to be like us so I think it can be difficult to suit everyone in the relationship. Could he not go visit family or friends even for a night every week?

The Bishop Basher

livealone wrote: »

It's my house so I won't be leaving. Yes I did say MY and not "our" house. Someone who contributes nothing to very little financially doesn't get to call it his house.

Is it though ? Are you both on the lease ? You clearly made the decision to move in together at some point. As you've felt this way since primary school why did you go ahead and move in with him ?

livealone wrote: »

I hate all his "stuff" taking up space, I hate how he takes over completely in the living areas, hogs the remote constantly, blares music at a deafening sound every week, wastes money on rubbish that could be spent on more important things, and hate the fact that no amount of talking or arguing gets him to change.

This is normal. Most couples have to figure out the lines and compromise. This hasn't happened for you guy's and you need to figure out why. I know it took us about 2 years to figure all that out when we first moved in together and after 18 years it still causes the odd upset.

livealone wrote: »

It's once in a blue moon I get ANY time alone anymore and it's driving me mad. The very rare occasion I know I'm going to have a full day to myself I'm so happy.

That's your problem right there. You're not getting the space you need and until you agree some rules around this as a couple, nothing will change. It is possible to get that space and continue to live together.

livealone wrote: »

I can't explain it well, it's just this sense of complete happiness and calm, and peacefulness and I get super productive at things I want and need to do. Just this energy and cheerfulness and it feels like it recharges my good mood so I'm in a better mood when I do see him again.

You're a classic introvert. Not all introverts are the shy retiring type !! You need space and time on your own to recharge. That's absolutely normal and it's essential you find a way to get it.

livealone wrote: »

Why may I be like this?

You're absolutely normal. We all need our own space. Just some of us need more then others. We also need a partner that understands how much space to give and when which sounds like an issue here. I think your focusing far too much on why you are the way you are as opposed to sitting down as a couple, identifying each others needs, figuring out how you can achieve them and sticking to it.

AnonoBoy

Have you told your boyfriend that you need days to yourself?

He might have no notion.

Tell him to go out on the lash with his mates - head off to a sporting game abroad or drink cans and watch movies and fall asleep on his friends couch.

You might be surprised - he might relish the opportunity to go off on his own too.

No point building up resentment over something that could be easily solved.