Passive aggressive behaviour

Nintje

I've been doing a bit of soul searching lately and realised that I was not as self-aware as I had been thinking and knew there were certain aspects of my life that were an issue like my assertiveness and confidence. I started looking into how to understand myself better and improve some things.

Last night I was chatting to my OH of 5 years (both 30) about this and he brought up my tendency to be passive aggressive when I am annoyed. We had discussed this in the past and I was working on it i.e if I am really mad I would just shut down and not be able to look at him and would sulk sometimes for hours. I know this behavior is terrible and I have been trying to get to the bottom of it and look for ways to improve it. He told me it has become so hurtful – I think it happened maybe 3 times in the last 12 months he says he knows if I cannot fix it he cannot live with it forever he is a very forgiving person and understands it’s really an inbuilt trait.

He is from a family who was very explosive and shouted if they were angry. I am from a family that ignores each other if they are mad – my dad can really do this for days. So I know I learned this behavior, I am also not making excuses for it or saying it’s their fault I am wondering are there specific coping techniques to help myself get over this. I also had it with my teenage friends, my best friend once stopped speaking to me for weeks because she was mad. So I suppose I need to learn a new way of interacting.

But it also spills out into my professional life and I have an issue with being assertive and trying to always being nice to everyone. I know people have much worse issues on here but I am heartbroken since I really realised how much pain I have caused my OH, I feel his comments were the wake up call I needed to realise the behavior is not acceptable. My feelings on the matter today are to be very aware if I am feeling annoyed that I MUST voice it and will not allow myself to sulk like a child if I am mad as now I realise the love of my life is at risk. But has anyone else had issues like this that they overcame or are there good books to help me straighten out why I feel like avoiding fighting is better than fighting? Thanks for reading!

El_Dangeroso

You shut down when you're angry because no one ever told you you have a right to express how you feel and that your feelings are valid. You were not given tools to express your feelings but the good news is you can learn them.

I'd highly recommend some counselling or assertiveness training to at least start discussing your feelings in a safe space and then work in some mindfulness techniques so you can start to objectively observe yourself without judgement when you feel like shutting down.

I know shutting down feels good in the short term but it really does damage to your relationships in the long term.

iusedtoknow

Especially in the early stages, even before counseling starts you should look into mindfulness (and with your introspection it looks like you already are)

What it does is allows you to really examine what you are feeling at a specific moment in time and most importantly - not deal with it there and then - you are merely exploring the "what" you are feeling. As you do this more, you start to see patterns that then allow you to act on how to stop feeling that way, or stop the thought process.

It was a method that was used for me to help me with low level anxiety and it really helps. It is very simple to do. Shut your eyes and explore what thoughts are going on - don't try and sort them or justify them - just recognize they are there and THEN when you open your eyes, try and think about WHY you are feeling that way.

Queen-Mise

The first two posters gave great advice.

Well done on your honesty and self-awareness. There is a slogan I like: what is out of awareness is out of control. You have just become aware so at least now you can tackle the behaviors.

I'd be inclined to suggest counseling or psychotherapy even just for the six weeks initial suggested period. It can be difficult thing to get a grasp on some of this stuff by yourself. Take a bit of help in the beginning.

It can be hard to undo some of the habits in your head from childhood. They can be overcome but takes a bit of work and awareness.

Rubberchikken

i agree with others, it is hard to break the habit of a lifetime, but with support and a willingness to change you can do it.
well done on realising that you want to change how you respond to being annoyed.

improving assertivness and confidence can be done, it just takes a little time and effort. good luck

Dark Phoenix

Fair play to you for trying to recognise, address and improve on the way you handle things.
However i'll go against the grain a bit - you say you have only gotten annoyed with him and acted passive agressively three times in 12 months - i'd hardly call that extreme or a huge issue. I find it odd that your boyfriend has basically given you ultimatum - you fix it or he 'cannot live with ir forever'. This seems a bit extreme given he is hardly perfect himself. How does he react to things himself - is he explosive like his family as if so thats hardly great either?

I think in terms of handling things emotionally, we will all have tendencies as to how we do do it. shutting down is hardly the worst reaction? I grew up in a house where screaming / shouting / rowing were the norm and I hated it. To this day if I hear two adults bickering and shouting at each other I just want to leave the room. As a result I refuse to behave that way when having a disagreement with someone. I had an ex who would shut down and do the whole 'im fine / nothings wrong' sh*te when there obviously was something wrong and yes it drove me nuts sometimes but i;d prefer that over someone ranting and raving at me though. Im sure theres a happy medium somewhere.

Username here

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

You shut down when you're angry because no one ever told you you have a right to express how you feel and that your feelings are valid.

Thanks so much for this, El_D. I'm mindful of the fact that I'm a little like the OP and have never really known why, but articulating things as you have makes perfect sense to me. Thanks again.

OP, best of luck resolving this.