Not sure how to fix this

LegacyUser

Hi

I'm in a long term relationship here where even though we have great fun together out with friends, on holidays, etc but our lack of sexual intimacy has me on the verge of walking away.

We had a chat about it early last year where she agreed that it wasn't right. I was encouraged by that and said if she wanted to do counselling (both of us) or anything like that I'd pay (as she's low on cash).

Fast forward to a few months and nothing had changed, no counselling happened and we were still in this rut. I brought it up again only this time I laid out just how sad I felt and that to me it wasn't a real relationship without that connection. This conversation was a bigger deal and she realised I was close to ending the relationship. She told me to stay and that we'd get professional help. I agreed and shortly after that we saw a gynaecologist to check everything was physically ok. It turns out there is a issue but it can be sorted and the gynaecologist has given us a book with exercises and advice that should help us through it.

The thing is after one or two weeks of working through the book (it's for her to use but I'm reading the medical side on the gynaecologist's advice), it's been put to one side for the last few months. I'm now looking at that book gathering dust next to the bed and thinking we are right back to where we were last year and I can feel myself getting disillusion with the relationship again.

Do you think this is a lost cause or can I do more to mend this relationship? Apologies for the long post.



Summary: Long term relationship, no sexual chemistry. Trying to get other half to help sort this with me and struggling to see a future for us.

adub

Hi there,
I think that i have the same problem as your girlfriend. It's a physical reaction for me, not anything to do with how i feel and how much i want to be with my partner. I just want to speak on her behalf. if she has the same problem as I do, it's completely out of her control. She wants to be physical with you but the fear of not being able to complete the act properly makes it scary for her. I have the same book but it's difficult to pick up, in case it doesnt work and then where am i?! Without being too personal, can you be intimate in other ways. That's what me and my partner do and of course we both still want to have sex but we're happy with that while I work through it.

I would speak to her again. You've been through the 'embarrassing' part of going to seek medical help, so I would tell her how much you appreciate what she's done so far and that you need her to go through with it, for your relationships sake. The book says that it can take from a few weeks up to a few months to start seeing results and that you should abstain from sexual activities for that time, so if she is going to do it you both need to be willing to do it properly.

Mr. Incognito

adub wrote: »

The book says that it can take from a few weeks up to a few months to start seeing results and that you should abstain from sexual activities for that time, so if she is going to do it you both need to be willing to do it properly.

So to get over lack of sex he should abstain. Thats the dumbest thing I have read all day.

If she is not willing to commit to the effort involved you should cut the cord. Tying yourself to a sexless relationship is not fair. Tying your partner to one is selfish.

Give her a time ultimatum. If things have not improved in six months then you'll have to exit the relationship.

adub

It is a medical condition, it's not just that she doesnt want to sleep with him. I agree that she should be working harder on this but at the end of the day, it is a medical condition.

<mod snip: you have no idea if the OP shares the same medical condition that you do>

Taltos

mod note

adub, please be careful in PI. No medical advice is allowed and we have already snipped one post from you. Further posts in breach of our charter will result in mod action.

Thanks
Taltos

zeffabelli

Sometimes with certainty the erotic fades.

Sometimes long term things can turn sibling. It happens and no amount of dressing it up in counselling and medical problems will change it.

jimmycrackcorm

End the relationship and find someone more compatible. You're not married so why the need to climb mountains to get it to work?

DukeOfTheSharp

It honestly just sounds like she's complacent in her attempts to make things better. Like you've said, the book has just been sitting there gathering dust, so she isn't too interested in picking it up, despite the fact that she was begging you to stay. I'd leave, clearly she doesn't have the drive to actually commit to making things better, she's either complacent or outright lazy, and she's not willing to put any work in to get your sexual relationship back on track.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the comments, I'm not talking to any mates here about it so this has helped.

In fairness to Adub, having no intercourse is part of this process so I've had to accept that for the sake of improving things. When other posters used the term complacence it jumped out at me and is probably getting closer to the root of the issue. I feel like it has been me trying to drive this improvement in our relationship from the start and having to convince her we need to deal with it and not leave things drift. But I'm powerless really to sort things unless she has that drive too.

Having another chat with her might get her motivated again but I'm left scratching my head wondering why the existence of this problem isn't motivation enough for both of us to work at solving it.

LegacyUser

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

End the relationship and find someone more compatible. You're not married so why the need to climb mountains to get it to work?

This is the conversation I have with myself most days at the moment! I got this feeling that if we can get this sorted we'll be solid again and it was a great relationship in the past.

Stavro Mueller

Has your sex life always been troublesome? I ask because it may be that she's just someone who's not into sex and has either a very low sex drive or is one of those asexuals. On the other hand this gynaecological issue may be driving everything.

My advice to you is to talk to her again and be more proactive. Book the counselling yourself. It'll be telling how she reacts to that.

Dark Phoenix

honestly id sit her down and have a serious conversation. You are being very patient and if she isnt willing to give this her all to try and sort the problem then I would walk away as it isnt going ot get better by itself and could get worse over time.

At the end of the day if ye were friends instead of partners would anything be much different than it is now? At the moment you are two people going out without any sex involved, to me thats really just a glorified friendship.

LegacyUser

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

honestly id sit her down and have a serious conversation. You are being very patient and if she isnt willing to give this her all to try and sort the problem then I would walk away as it isnt going ot get better by itself and could get worse over time.

At the end of the day if ye were friends instead of partners would anything be much different than it is now? At the moment you are two people going out without any sex involved, to me thats really just a glorified friendship.

Yep, at this stage all we have is an excellent friendship but a lousy relationship.

We had a conversation about it last night and she basically said she had let the treatment slide because she's been real busy. She has been fairly busy but I wasn't fully buying it as she's also had time for watching tv and socialising so if its a priority you can definitely fit it in to your day. In fairness she was working through the gynaecologist's book last night before bed so that was encouraging to see but I'll see how long it lasts.

Stravro Mueller wrote:

Has your sex life always been troublesome? I ask because it may be that she's just someone who's not into sex and has either a very low sex drive or is one of those asexuals. On the other hand this gynaecological issue may be driving everything.

My advice to you is to talk to her again and be more proactive. Book the counselling yourself. It'll be telling how she reacts to that.

Our sex life has had issues in the past but we figured out that it stems from the gynaecological issue. During our conversation she also said she'll book another appointment with the gynaecologist for next week. I can understand why you think I should be more proactive and book any counselling myself but I need to see her 'own' the issue and see that desire to improve come from her side too. If that appointment doesn't happen in the next week or so I'll probably walk away from the relationship.

Thanks again for the posts.

LegacyUser

To be honest OP you have had talk after talk and been to see someone about the issue and instead of working on the problem your GF can't be bothered.

She seems proactive about it when you mention it to her and tell her you want out but then you don't leave and yous are back to square one. It seems to me she wants the security of being in a relationship and having a boyfriend but doesn't want to make any effort sexually, which is pretty sad as that can leave the other partner feeling emotionally drained.

Its one thing having things in common, doing things together but you can do this with friends too. Do you see a future with kids and marriage?
As another post its not really a relationship just a very good friendship between two people.