I messed up

begrandx

Hi all I've really made a mess of things and I fear it's too late to fix them.
I met a guy out one night and we started seeing each other, it went on for about 4 months. I have a 3 year old child & a complicated family situation which I won't get into but basically I couldn't make as much time for him as he or I wanted. He was very understanding initially but my situation got worse and I got to see less and less of him so we started arguing a lot over it and he eventually called it quits which is understandable.
He did it by text so I insisted I wanted to call in and talk about it, and I did and he said he felt I had no respect for him and he was done.
It was all very civil etc, then I left and called to a friend on the way home, she happened to be on her dating website and there he was, active on it. This hurt a lot as I felt I was only out the door 5 mins and he was already moved on.
Thing is 2 months later we're still texting the very odd time just chatting etc. I didn't realise how strongly I felt about him or how much I'd actually miss him. My home situation has gotten a lot better since but this is horrible! So I've deleted his number to try make myself forget about him, was that the right move? Tell me this gets easier!
Also my friend told me he's still very active on the dating website so he's probably moved on already which isn't helping things

strobe

Ok, this is hugely common for guys, it's advice we give each other a lot (actually this just applies to me and the guys I've known in my life, don't want to speak for other people, but how and ever), because it works, it's how a lot, not all of us, get over breaking up with someone. The advice being "well fvck man, get back out there, meet women, have sex with them, don't wallow in things, remind yourself what's great about being single", but it's nothing personal about you, it doesn't actually mean he's really 'moved on' completely and just forgotten about you or anything, or that he didn't actually like you, or anything like that. So don't feel bad about it, he's just being a guy dealing with breaking up with someone the way a lot of guys do. Girls talk things through with their friends, have girly nights out, take time to find themselves and enjoy being their own person etc, guys go out and do what single guys do. There's a lot of generalisations there but that doesn't mean it's not, basically, on the whole, true.

Ah look you were only together four months, onward and upwards, you'll meet someone else.

begrandx

That's strangely comforting thanks! Thing is when I told him recently over text things were getting better he mentioned trying again, so I was thinking of asking him to, but the last few times I text I was getting very short answers so I'm thinking he has maybe moved on since or met someone else so I'm probably best moving on

skallywag

I have to agree completely with Strobe. I would be of an identical mindset myself, if you fall of the bike then get right back on. It' can be a highly effective manner of coping, and much more effective than wallowing around in self-pity, etc. It's certainly not intended to be a slight on the woman in question, nor does it in anyway mean that any feelings towards the same person have been lost, etc.

kylith

You've definitely done the right thing by deleting his number. All the chatting and the 'maybe we'll try again' will have been stopping you from moving on.

orthsquel

I don't think you have made a mess of things at all... if there was difficulty making time for this guy due to various family complications and having a child, tbh it probably just wasn't the right time for a relationship anyhow. Even if you tried well look, you now know that it wasn't ideal timing and in hindsight not fair on him, and not fair on you feeling bad because of family difficulties and just not being able to have the time. I suppose from it you can just be wise to timing with whatever you have going on and if it's too much, then to recognise it if it is really too much to have on your plate at the same time.
You did the right thing deleting his number... continuing chatting just leaves it open to consideration which would be unhelpful to both of you in moving on. as for the dating site, it doesn't really matter, I think most people coming out of a relationship would try and move on somehow or even just make themselves feel better by getting back out there for the ego boost. I'm not sure how it came up that your friend said he was active on the dating site, but it probably would be helpful for you not to see or be told about what he is doing even if your friend just comes across him online.

strobe

begrandx wrote: »

That's strangely comforting thanks! Thing is when I told him recently over text things were getting better he mentioned trying again, so I was thinking of asking him to, but the last few times I text I was getting very short answers so I'm thinking he has maybe moved on since or met someone else so I'm probably best moving on

Well Begrand, you stopped seeing each other for a reason. It sounds like the reason is still there. So it seems like it's just not meant to be. With another guy that reason won't even enter into the equation for them. It's just not meant to be with this guy. But there's another 3,500,000,000 men out there. Like rats we are. Just fvcking everywhere. And a huge chunck of them would be falling over themselves madly trying to find a girl that seems as sweet as you do. There's no shortage of men in the world. We're ubiquitous. This one wasn't quite right, but you can still take your pick. The worst thing is to pick one that isn't right and try to force it. Everyday now from here on in is a day when you might just meet that guy that is just fvcking perfect for you. Exciting times ahead. Look forward and embrace them. It's a lot of fun!

Wompa1

strobe wrote: »

Ok, this is hugely common for guys, it's advice we give each other a lot (actually this just applies to me and the guys I've known in my life, don't want to speak for other people, but how and ever), because it works, it's how a lot, not all of us, get over breaking up with someone. The advice being "well fvck man, get back out there, meet women, have sex with them, don't wallow in things, remind yourself what's great about being single", but it's nothing personal about you, it doesn't actually mean he's really 'moved on' completely and just forgotten about you or anything, or that he didn't actually like you, or anything like that. So don't feel bad about it, he's just being a guy dealing with breaking up with someone the way a lot of guys do. Girls talk things through with their friends, have girly nights out, take time to find themselves and enjoy being their own person etc, guys go out and do what single guys do. There's a lot of generalisations there but that doesn't mean it's not, basically, on the whole, true.

Ah look you were only together four months, onward and upwards, you'll meet someone else.

And every woman that I dated! I don't think it's gender exclusive, it's likely just a maturity thing. Though, it sounds like this fella probably knew the writing was on the wall for a while, if things were building up to this. If he wasn't seeing her too much and that was at him, he probably checked out of the relationship before the break up and was just ready to move on