Exclusivity and Dating- need some advice folks

liamtech

HI - i normally dont post in this particular forum, but i thought it get some fellow boarders advice on this issue

About Me (Briefly!): Single dad of two- broke up with my long term partner 11 months ago - started dating again before christmas -

Basically my area of concern is exclusivity and timing- Iv been on a few dates with a few women since october- some great - some not so great, but thats life i suppose -

Anyway, i recently met a girl who, i have to say, completely fascinates me - imho, shes 'got it all going on' - incredibly smart, very good looking, and a cheerful free spirited personality - Anyway - we had a few dates, and all i can say is im very taken with her

So the question - exclusivity and Dating, and 'seeing' someone - im not sure whethere its too soon (going for date 6), to bring this up - but iv begun to question my actions in other respects - obviously having started dating, i had a casual on off scenario ongoing with another lady - but i now feel that i should probably call time on it - and i have basically done so - but am i almost over thinking this one too? Am i still single and merely dating someone i really fancy? or is the mere fact that i would feel guilty continuing 'elsewhere' a sign that 'exclusivity' once again beckons? probably a crazy question- but im outta the loop i haven been single since i was 25

Alexis Sanchez2

liamtech wrote: »

HI - i normally dont post in this particular forum, but i thought it get some fellow boarders advice on this issue

About Me (Briefly!): Single dad of two- broke up with my long term partner 11 months ago - started dating again before christmas -

Basically my area of concern is exclusivity and timing- Iv been on a few dates with a few women since october- some great - some not so great, but thats life i suppose -

Anyway, i recently met a girl who, i have to say, completely fascinates me - imho, shes 'got it all going on' - incredibly smart, very good looking, and a cheerful free spirited personality - Anyway - we had a few dates, and all i can say is im very taken with her

So the question - exclusivity and Dating, and 'seeing' someone - im not sure whethere its too soon (going for date 6), to bring this up - but iv begun to question my actions in other respects - obviously having started dating, i had a casual on off scenario ongoing with another lady - but i now feel that i should probably call time on it - and i have basically done so - but am i almost over thinking this one too? Am i still single and merely dating someone i really fancy? or is the mere fact that i would feel guilty continuing 'elsewhere' a sign that 'exclusivity' once again beckons? probably a crazy question- but im outta the loop i haven been single since i was 25

I find its usually better if you let the woman ask for exclusivity, enjoy your time with her and continue seeing other women until she asks for monogamy. That's more likely to keep the spark alive.

Pippy1976

Alexis Sanchez2 wrote: »

I find its usually better if you let the woman ask for exclusivity, enjoy your time with her and continue seeing other women until she asks for monogamy. That's more likely to keep the spark alive.

Huh? Nobody 'asks' for exclusivity.

Speaking from a female perspective, I say Date 6 means you're exclusive and if you're as mad about her as you seem then why would you be going elsewhere for something less meaningful with someone you don't fancy the way you do this girl?

Keep things simple. Date one woman. The woman you clearly like very much.

miamee

I agree with Pippy, keep things simple. If you like her a lot then tell her so and see what happens, where the conversation goes. There are no hard and fast rules about how many dates you have to have before wanting to see someone exclusively, every couple are different

Emme

liamtech wrote: »

HI - i normally dont post in this particular forum, but i thought it get some fellow boarders advice on this issue

About Me (Briefly!): Single dad of two- broke up with my long term partner 11 months ago - started dating again before christmas -

Basically my area of concern is exclusivity and timing- Iv been on a few dates with a few women since october- some great - some not so great, but thats life i suppose -

Anyway, i recently met a girl who, i have to say, completely fascinates me - imho, shes 'got it all going on' - incredibly smart, very good looking, and a cheerful free spirited personality - Anyway - we had a few dates, and all i can say is im very taken with her

So the question - exclusivity and Dating, and 'seeing' someone - im not sure whethere its too soon (going for date 6), to bring this up - but iv begun to question my actions in other respects - obviously having started dating, i had a casual on off scenario ongoing with another lady - but i now feel that i should probably call time on it - and i have basically done so - but am i almost over thinking this one too? Am i still single and merely dating someone i really fancy? or is the mere fact that i would feel guilty continuing 'elsewhere' a sign that 'exclusivity' once again beckons? probably a crazy question- but im outta the loop i haven been single since i was 25

You're quite the kid in the sweetshop aren't you? The dating scene is great for men who are newly single but not so for women. That's why there are so many women for you to date.

If you like the woman who has "got it all" then do her the justice of asking her if she would like to date you exclusively. Don't string her and your casual fling along for any longer.

Before asking her to become exclusive you must bite the bullet and end it with your casual fling in an honest decent way, by that I mean FACE TO FACE. No cowardly texts or phone calls. The woman who is your casual fling deserves someone who wants to be exclusive with HER and not somebody who is seeing her in a half-assed way while waiting for something better. Your casual fling might even think you will eventually want to become exclusive with HER. I was in such a scenario and didn't realize it until he suddenly stopped contacting me. Eventually I got it out of him (by email) that he didn't want any more contact with me because he had met someone he wanted to be exclusive with after she let him move into her apartment when his landlord kicked him out. I was incredibly hurt by his behaviour and would never get into such a scenario again.

Only when you have ended the casual on-off scenario ask the woman who has "got it all" if she would like to become exclusive with you. Isn't she the lucky girl!

Forgive me if I come across as bitter but you might not be aware of the hell women go through when they are single again after a long time and are back on the dating scene. Many women (including myself) opt out of the dating scene because of the uncertainty and hurt dating in a buyers market (the buyers being men) can bring. You have no idea how lucky you are meeting someone after 6 months, I have been single and looking for years and eventually gave up on dating a year ago.

Alexis Sanchez2 wrote: »

I find its usually better if you let the woman ask for exclusivity, enjoy your time with her and continue seeing other women until she asks for monogamy. That's more likely to keep the spark alive.

That's called cheating. I hope anyone who advocates this approach uses condoms and has regular STI tests.

strobe

Some people would think of six dates as barely begun dating and the word "exclusive" wouldn't be anywhere in their mind. Other people would just presume you were exclusive, without you even have brought it up with each other. But you don't know till you bring it up with them. It's not a marriage proposal. Or doesn't have to be some big declaration of undying love. Just bring it up in conversation, tell them you think they're great, that you hope there might be something there between you two, you feel like you don't want to date anyone else and ask how they feel about things (providing you're sure that's how you feel, and sure you want to and feel ready to enter into another exclusive relationship with someone). Try not to let Emme's post freak you out too much. You haven't done anything wrong and are not doing anything at all wrong and this doesn't have to be some big massive deal. Not every woman thinks like she does. It's just letting her know how you feel and asking how she does. No big deal.

skallywag

Emme wrote: »

That's called cheating. I hope anyone who advocates this approach uses condoms and has regular STI tests.

I disagree. Cheating requires that one is actually in a relationship that is acknowledged on both sides, which is normally not the default after a handful of dates.

Emme

strobe wrote: »

Some people would think of six dates as barely begun dating and the word "exclusive" wouldn't be anywhere in their mind. Other people would just presume you were exclusive, without you even have brought it up with each other. But you don't know till you bring it up with them. It's not a marriage proposal. Or doesn't have to be some big declaration of undying love. Just bring it up in conversation, tell them you think they're great, that you hope there might be something there between you two, you feel like you don't want to date anyone else and ask how they feel about things. Try not to let Emme's post freak you out too much. You haven't done anything wrong and are not doing anything at all wrong and this doesn't have to be some big massive deal. Not every woman thinks like she does. It's just letting her know how you feel and asking how she does. No big deal.

Many women think like me but few admit to it. If you met me in real life you wouldn't for a million years believe that I think like this.

Am I the only person who disagrees with dishonesty in dating and relationships?

The OP is doing nothing wrong if he has been upfront with all the women he is dating and has told them he is seeing them on a casual basis while dating other women. This is especially important for the woman he is seeing as a casual fling.

If he is not doing this he is being dishonest by omission (not telling the women he is seeing everything) and may be giving his casual fling and other women he dates more than once false expectations.

I hope that I HAVE freaked the OP out a little and that he sees the hurt and pain that women suffer when men are less than honest on the dating scene.

skallywag wrote: »

I disagree. Cheating requires that one is actually in a relationship that is acknowledged on both sides, which is normally not the default after a handful of dates.

That may be so. However if people are having sexual relationships on a casual basis it is essential that they are honest and let other people know what's going on. It is especially important for all concerned to use proper protection (i.e. condoms) and have regular STI tests. In this situation if people want to become exclusive and use a method of contraception other than condoms they should both have clean STI test results before they stop using condoms.

skallywag

Emme wrote: »

I hope that I HAVE freaked the OP out a little and that he sees the hurt and pain that women suffer when men are less than honest on the dating scene.

I personally think you are way wide of the mark. If I was to re-enter the dating scene I would naturally assume that my date is more than likely seeing someone else.

Pippy1976

Emme wrote: »

That may be so. However if people are having sexual relationships on a casual basis it is essential that they are honest and let other people know what's going on. It is especially important for all concerned to use proper protection (i.e. condoms) and have regular STI tests. In this situation if people want to become exclusive and use a method of contraception other than condoms they should both have clean STI test results before they stop using condoms.

I'd agree with you - women like honesty in a relationship, be that an exclusive one or not.

strobe

Emme wrote: »

Many women think like me but few admit to it. If you met me in real life you wouldn't for a million years believe that I think like this.

Am I the only person who disagrees with dishonesty in dating and relationships?

The OP is doing nothing wrong if he has been upfront with all the women he is dating and has told them he is seeing them on a casual basis while dating other women. This is especially important for the woman he is seeing as a casual fling.

If he is not doing this he is being dishonest and may be giving his casual fling and other women he dates more than once false expectations.

I hope that I HAVE freaked the OP out a little and that he sees the hurt and pain that women suffer when men are less than honest on the dating scene.

There's nothing anywhere in the OP to suggest he has been dishonest with anyone at any point in any way. People should take responsibility for themselves. Dating is a casual thing these days initially. It just is. If someone wants exclusivity from the first date, or the third, or any other way point, they should let their wishes be known, OP included.

miamee

Emme wrote: »

That may be so. However if people are having sexual relationships on a casual basis it is essential that they are honest and let other people know what's going on. It is especially important for all concerned to use proper protection (i.e. condoms) and have regular STI tests. In this situation if people want to become exclusive and use a method of contraception other than condoms they should both have clean STI test results before they stop using condoms.

The OP has mentioned nothing about being dishonest with anyone or about having unprotected or unsafe sex. He did mention that he has already called time on the on-off scenario with another lady in favour if the woman he is currently seeing.

Emme

miamee wrote: »

The OP has mentioned nothing about being dishonest with anyone or about having unprotected or unsafe sex. He did mention that he has already called time on the on-off scenario with another lady in favour if the woman he is currently seeing.

He either has called time on it or he hasn't. His definition of calling time was rather nebulous in my opinion:

liamtech wrote: »

...i had a casual on off scenario ongoing with another lady - but i now feel that i should probably call time on it - and i have basically done so...

"Basically done so" could mean he has stopped contacting the lady without any explanation - the coward's way out. It could mean that he sat down with her and told her he didn't want to see her again and if he did this fair play to him.

I agree that nobody mentioned unsafe or unprotected sex but my experience of the dating scene is that if I didn't mention condoms most men would be happy to go ahead without them. I would NEVER go without condoms if I wasn't sure both of us were clean and exclusive. I would prefer to be exclusive before sleeping with someone but most men aren't willing to wait for this so latterly I would wait a number of dates before sleeping with someone. I felt I was compromising myself by doing this instead of waiting to be exclusive. That put me off dating along with my last experience with the casual relationship. Many women feel that if we want to be part of the dating scene we have to compromise our needs. I feel it is better not to date than to compromise myself.

The number of men who are willing to go without condoms is frightening, especially slightly older men who say condoms adversely affect their performance. No wonder STI rates are skyrocketing in certain age groups.

strobe

Emme wrote: »

I agree that nobody mentioned unsafe or unprotected sex but my opinion of the dating scene is that if I didn't mention condoms most men would be happy to go ahead without them. I would NEVER go without condoms if I wasn't sure both of us were clean and exclusive. However the number of men who are willing to go without condoms is frightening, especially slightly older men who say condoms adversely affect their performance. No wonder STI rates are skyrocketing in certain age groups.

To be fair that swings both ways. The amount of times I had a girl hold my hand when I took a condom out and say "you don't need to worry about that with me" is a bit shocking.

But I dunno, maybe we both just have a habit of going for wreckless people.

Anyway, the OP mentions nothing of being dishonest with anyone, nor of having unprotected sex with anyone, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt before we hang, draw and quarter him for the crimes of others, hmm?

skallywag

Emme wrote: »

I would NEVER go without condoms

Well done, fair play for being so responsible.

I genuinely still don't see how the contraception topic has any relevance whatsoever though to this thread? It basically seems to me that you are just looking to take cheap & meaningless shots at the OP, and I find it very unfair to him.

Emme

skallywag wrote: »

Well done, fair play for being so responsible.

I genuinely still don't see how the contraception topic has any relevance whatsoever though to this thread? It basically seems to me that you are just looking to take cheap & meaningless shots at the OP, and I find it very unfair to him.

I don't want to take cheap shots at the OP and I wish him well with the woman he likes. However I DO want him to see how women can get hurt in the dating scene by men who find it easy to meet women and might not consider that women find it difficult. The OP is only dating 6 months and doesn't seem to have come across any difficulties. Does he realize that there are women who are years on the dating scene and haven't met anyone because there are so few men to date? The dating scene is tough, and tougher for women.

My main point is that the OP should treat his casual fling with respect and meet her face-to-face to end things. He owes her that much even if he doesn't want to continue dating her.

He should not be involved with any other woman in any other way when he asks the girl he likes to be exclusive.

Tokyo

Ok Emme, enough is enough. I appreciate that certain women (and men!) have had bad dating experiences and you've made your point with regards to that, but you're inferring an awful lot about the OP who has said nothing to indicate that he is acting in any way like the examples you are presenting in your posts.

If you can't provide advice directed towards the OP's issue rather than posting hypotheticals, perhaps taking a step back from the thread is the better approach.

Regards,
Mike

Tiddlypeeps

<mod snip: not relevant to OP's issue>


@OP everyone is different. There is no norm for when to have the exclusive discussion and some relationships that discussion isn't even needed. Just be up front with her about what you want. She will either feel the same or she'll let you know she wants to keep it casual. The only thing that could go wrong is that she has commitment issues and gets freaked out and runs a mile, but if that's the case you probably had little chance of a serious relationship with her anyway plus after so many dates it's an unlikely outcome. So basically you have nothing to lose by just being honest with her about what you want.

Tokyo

Mod Note:

I've snipped/removed posts that were dragging the thread off-topic after my earlier mod warning. If everybody can keep their responses in the realm of the issue that the OP posted for advice on, it would be appreciated. Any more off-topic posts will be actioned.

Chucky the tree

If someone had some unspoken about "6 date exclusivity" rule I'd run like the wind away from them. If you're not able to ask someone if they would like to be in a relationship then I think that person needs to consider if they are ready for a relationship at all.

Pippy1976

Chucky the tree wrote: »

If someone had some unspoken about "6 date exclusivity" rule I'd run like the wind away from them. If you're not able to ask someone if they would like to be in a relationship then I think that person needs to consider if they are ready for a relationship at all.

totally agree. if you like this person tell her.

honestly, the amount of time spent on making up 'relationship rules' is mad... when really all we have to do is be open & honest.

Good luck, OP.

blatantrereg

You want to be exclusive. Just because you want to be doesn't necessarily mean she does.

It's best to be direct about stuff like this to prevent confusion. It's best to only talk about yourself, so you can be direct without being pushy.

You can mention you are only seeing her. If she asks why then that makes things straightforward. Asking why is basically inviting you to commit (say it's because you only want to see her). She shouldn't do that unless she intends to reciprocate. I consider it straightforward because inviting you to commit without intending to reciprocate strikes me as a bit mean and probably indicates conceit and therefore I'd be inclined to end things... She might intend to reciprocate but not wish to do so right then and there.

I would not try to play things cool if she asks why. Be direct and say because you prefer only seeing her. If you give a generic reason she is likely to take that at face value. The most likely reason for her asking why is that she wants to reciprocate but doesn't want to risk making a fool of herself.

She might not respond at all. Don't hold any expectation of her. You're basically leaving the ball in her court. If she doesn't respond within a couple of weeks then it probably indicates that she doesn't want to be exclusive, though I guess it's possible she's just really quiet or something. You could bring it up again if you want to clarify things.