Can't make small talk

LegacyUser

Something that Wibbs said in a thread about how men who can't make small talk with women often can't make small talk with men struck a chord with me.

I can't make small talk to anyone, and outside of complaining about work, or talking about gaming, there is little that I think I can talk about.

So I thought I'd ask if anyone here would have any suggestions of how I could improve this.

I have no problem talking to strangers but have a problem knowing what to talk about, outside of the above. Although it's preventing me from talking to women, that in itself is not the issue, it's that I very quickly run out of something to say, as listening to the person only gets you so far until silence descends upon the conversation.

nc19

I gave up caring about this yrs ago.

I'm a fairly intelligent fella with a broad general knowledge but always felt uncomfortable with any form of small talk be it with strangers or people I knew a little. People I know well I generally never do the small talk because we would have a history an therefore things to talk about. I don't bother with small talk anymore mostly because I really don't care what the person is talking about.
I spent a lot of time on my own in my formative years and became very content with my own company.
don't worry about it is my suggestion

santana75

Theres a really great book on this exact thing by Leil Lowndes called How to talk to anyone. Its really well written, chapters are nice and short and to the point, its brilliant. Small talk is such a deceptive term to describe something thats actually very layered. Theres so much going on when you talk to another person, body language, eye contact, listening(probably the most important part) give and take, being genuine. The best thing anyone can do is practice practive practice. Throw yourself into situation where yo have to make conversation with people and be aware of the whole picture. Like are you making good eye contact or are your eyes darting around the room, over the other person shoulder, anywhere but their eyes. Its so important because if youre eyes are darting all over the place the message that sends to the other person is, that this guy has no interest in talking to me, he/she wants to be someplace else, and who'd wanna give their time to someone who seems uninterested in talking to them? Listening aswell, like really listening, not just waiting to speak or thinking about what youre gonna say next. People give so much information to you when their talking that theres so many things you could latch onto, if you actually listened. You have to show an interest in the other person, again nobody wants to talk to somebody whos being monosyllabic and whos not making an effort.
Practice talking to everyone, in all situations. Its a skill, its not just something youre either born with or not. You can develop the skill, you just have to try.

borabora

I always say, there's no such thing as small talk! It can all be big talk. This is because I am interested in people, and genuinely care about what they say and how they feel. I pride myself in not having generic conversations at work, on dates and so on, because I listen to the other person and express my own interest in what they say, maybe take it in another direction, and so on and so on.


Practice makes perfect!

davmol

I can talk for days about most things.I will go through small talk but when it gets to the point where im talking just for the sake of covering a silent patch Id rather just sit in silence and let me brain relax.

LegacyUser

nc19 wrote: »

I spent a lot of time on my own in my formative years and became very content with my own company.

Yes, but the palm doesn't tend to talk back :P

santana75 wrote: »

Theres a really great book on this exact thing by Leil Lowndes called How to talk to anyone. Its really well written, chapters are nice and short and to the point, its brilliant. Small talk is such a deceptive term to describe something thats actually very layered.

Thanks, I'll certainly look into this.

santana75 wrote: »

Practice talking to everyone, in all situations. Its a skill, its not just something youre either born with or not. You can develop the skill, you just have to try.

You are right about it being a skill; I know people who can talk about things, but keep it interesting.

I can make good eye contact, but have been told (by recruitment agencies) to glance at other things the odd time, as my eye contact is seemingly fairly intense, and more often than not, the other person would break the contact if I was talking to them.

davmol wrote: »

but when it gets to the point where im talking just for the sake of covering a silent patch Id rather just sit in silence and let me brain relax.

In the pub, I find conversation can be forced, and sitting in silence means I don't interact those I'm sitting next to, so although it is talking for the sake of covering a silent patch, it lets the other person not talk. Silence, I find, means I don't get invited to other social events.