Lost and stuck

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have written this over and over for weeks but have been too much of a coward to post it. I'm at the stage now where I have to move on and I think putting what I have to say in print will help. I've no one else I can tell either which doesn't help.

Its going to be long and complicated but I will try and be as to the point as possible and only include the relevant info.

Briefly....I am in a LTR of over 10 years with a person whom I have no romantic feelings for. In the mean time, I fell completely in love with another person. I suspect that the person did have some feelings for me but never admitted it to me but now we are no longer in touch.

My partner is fantastic, great fun, very creative, successful and would do anything for me and I for them. We have been through a lot and done some really great things over the years. We have a house, no kids. Unfortunately I see my partner as more of a friend than anything else. It really upsets me that I'm not in love with my partner as I know we would have a very good and comfortable future. I don't think it's fair on either of us for me not to be in this 100%. I don't see myself having kids or getting married to my partner. We have had our problems like most couples but never really addressed them. We had one particular problem for a long time, one that would have split most couples up after a while. My head is completely f ucked.

In hindsight, I haven't been happy for a number of years. My work situation meant that I was out of the house a lot and it was obviously a distraction from my personal life. I just pushed all the doubts into the back of my head and convinced myself that most couples go through this. It's natural for one partner to lose interest but have a functioning and happy relationship, ours is no different. However, over the last 3 years I could see myself distancing from the relationship and we were growing apart.

Through mutual friends and interests I met another person and we spent a good bit of time together. It was an innocent friendship at the outset but I fell completely in love unintentionally. I experienced emotions that I have never felt in my relationship and it was only at this stage that I really admitted to myself that my relationship was unfulfilling to me. It made me feel like **** but there was no denying the feelings that I had. I was wrecked with shame and guilt.

The person I fell in love with is the exact type of person that I had always looked for in a partner. Tbh, I didn't really believe in "love" but I was hit hard this time. I tried so hard to ignore it but every time we met I felt so alive and happy that I was like a different person. My heart pounded in my chest relentlessly, I had a permanent smile on my face and every inch of me wanted this person. I never wanted to leave their side and counted the minutes until we would meet again. It sounds so stupid to say but I wanted this to be real and for keeps.

In the midst of all this my partner and I grew further apart. We eventually owned up to it and we split up for a few months. At this same time, the other person had had enough of me and we stopped seeing each other.

It was a confusing time for me. I was effectively dealing with 2 break ups at the same time, I can normally handle any situation but this was unbearable. In some ways I felt relieved and free that my relationship was finished but I was so upset and lost that the person I was in love with had ended it too.

During the break up I reluctantly agreed to relationship counselling. Initially I did this out of courtesy but I hoped it would further unlock things that we never dealt with. Maybe it would yield some answers as to why I cheated on my partner. I have grown weary and had spent years lying, avoiding, pretending and ignoring. Honestly, I didn't know what the truth was anymore.

The counselling was helpful but I hated every second of it. I admitted that I didn't currently love, didn't want to have children or get married to my partner. It was listened to and accepted. We both shared our concerns and after 3 months we got back together. I hate myself for doing so as I still don't see a future for us. Admittedly, the relationship isn't as fraught as it was when I was involved with the other person, whom my partner is unaware of.

Currently things are ticking along like nothing ever happened. My partner is very happy and oblivious that I don't feel the same way. I am once again lying to both of us. Those 3 words of "I love you" have been said to me multiple times and I couldn't say them back. It made me uncomfortable so I asked for some time. I'm half hoping that I will flick a switch and be a better partner and be complete in this relationship but I don't see it happening and I don't want to force it if it's not there.

Back to the other person. I wake up in the morning and I'm ok for about 5 seconds. Then the reality hits that I will be spending another day without the person that I am in love with. Just as I think I'm ok, I will see or hear something that reminds me of them and I get inconsolably upset. This happens every day and has done so for months and months and months. I will never be part of this persons life and it saddens me so much that my soul is destroyed. Il never let anyone get close to me again.

At the end of the day, I get into the bed next to my partner, with an empty heart and an ache deep inside me. I will close my eyes and hope that tomorrow will be different but it never is. This is my life, this is my doing, my fault, my constant cowardliness.

I know I come across as a complete asshole and that is who I am. I can't do the right thing even though I want to and know I should. I'm terrified and full of self hate. Ironically, I'd rather be an upset mess putting on a false front so as not to make my partner sad. I really care for my partner and can't bare to upset them by ending this, even though I'm in bits.

I've re read this and it sounds so stupid. I know the psychology behind all this. I'd be the first to say break up, move on, try to get the person you love back. I know I'm being selfish by prolonging this and my partner doesn't deserve this treatment and that I don't deserve my partners love.

Sorry for the long ramble I really am!!


TLDR:
OP is unhappy in a LTR.
OP found happiness with another person and cheated.
OP mutually broke up with partner and other person.
OP got back with partner.
OP is a dickhead.

Littlekittylou

Why did you let yourself get back with a partner you did not love?

You are letting yourself be swept away. If you are certain you cannot love your partner then you need to move on. I don't if you can ever get the other person back. No one wants to be 'the side person' and that was what they were the first time. Regardless of your feelings for the other person you are not happy.

Obviously any infidelity is wrong. But it's a symptom of not loving the person you are with.

You say you really love this person. But if you really loved them why did you let them go?

I'm terrified and full of self hate. Ironically, I'd rather be an upset mess putting on a false front so as not to make my partner sad. I really care for my partner and can't bare to upset them by ending this, even though I'm in bits.

Look I think you are prolonging things and wasting your partner's time. I think you have to realize guilt and negative emotion are only really useful so far as they make you do the right thing. Putting yourself through them and not doing the right thing seems useless.

You have decide what you want to do and do it. But regardless of the other person you are not happy in the current relationship. Ending it will mean a short time of unhappiness versus a long unhappy relationship.

You say your partner is oblivious, I would not be so sure. I think it's possible your partner feels they are walking on eggshells too.

person I was in love with had ended it too.

No one is going to be a 'side person or side dish'
Did you just get back with your partner because you were suddenly alone?

I think regardless of whether you feel you have someone to be with instead you need to be fair to yourself and your partner and end things.

They will survive without you.

can't bare to upset them by ending this,

I think you just don't want to rock the boat.

You had an affair. You don't do that if you don't want to hurt anyone.
The way you are living is no way to live.

Regardless of what happens end the relationship.

Penny Tration

You say you don't want to upset your partner by ending it. Is that actually true? Reads more like you don't want to be alone, so you're sticking with the easy option.

If you don't want to upset your partner, why are you with them? It's more than likely upsetting them each and every time they say they love you, knowing you won't say it back, knowing their love is unrequited, knowing that they'll never marry you, never have kids with you and never have true, unconditional love with you.

Break up with them. The initial hurt they will feel is absolutely nothing compared to the lifetime of hurt you seem to be willing to inflict on them .

Mr. Incognito

You just sound like you are afraid.

Afraid to end one unfulfilling relationship.

Afraid to start another.

You need to end the ten year relationship and take some you time. Its possible the feelings you had for the other person were just lust, not love. Love changes over time but you are unhappy.

Better to be alone and happy than lying to your partner and yourself.

Grow a pair and get out. Do not go chasing down the other person until your head is right.

m'lady

Trust me your hurting your partner now more that you actually will by ending the relationship. Your partner is possibly aware of the inevitable and could be in denial, but each time you get into bed with your weary heart they are very much aware if it. Face up to this and let your partner go, hopefully they will meet someone that deserves their love. Also do the other person a favour and not contact them until the current relationship is completely over and your head is sorted.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thank you. You are all confirming what I already know, I appreciate it. My partner deserves better and I'm sure he will be in bits but it's something I will have to do. I'm going away this evening for business for a few days and will tell think it over while I'm away.

Thank you, I may be back again for support afterwards.

Stavro Mueller

OP, what age are you and your partner. If your partner is a woman in her thirties, you may be denying her the chance to meet someone else and become a mother before it gets too late. If you're a woman and would like to have kids, you're tying your own hands. There is never an easy time to leave someone but the longer you prolong this, the worst it will get. Not just for you but for your partner. It can't be helpful for him/her to be sharing their lives with someone who has one eye on the door.

dellas1979

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Reads more like you don't want to be alone, so you're sticking with the easy option.

That is what I thought too from reading the post.

But there might be more to the story? Like, their partner is trying their best to save something, and the OP is feeling guilty (and feels they have to try - no they dont)

I mean, your happiness and choices are yours. It is your life. Even if choices mean someone else (i.e., your partner) doesnt agree with them.

The ideal scenario here is that you make a clean break. And look to the future. Yes the unknown is scarey if you look at it that way. But if you look at it another way, it also gives you opportunities. But you need to ask yourself why you are not doing this for yourself.

shaymus27

sounds like you cheated on your partner who you don't want to be with. The man you cheated on him with probably only used you for sex and dumped you as soon as he thought you were leaving your partner and might put him under pressure to see more of you. You went back to your partner who you don't want to be with and now dream of the man who used you for sex and dumped you. wow. No sympathy for you at all. How would you feel if your partner cheated on you and only got back with you because he was dumped by his mistress and now doesn't care for you but dreams of his mistress who dumped him?

Kim Lardasssian

How are you stuck exactly?