Too many alarm bells

notsure123456

Hello,

So I have started seeing this guy I met online. I'm really attracted to him, we get on really well. He is very honest which is a good thing but some of the things he has told me are kind of freaking me out. His ex girlfriend turns out she has mental health issues and tried to stab him so he has taken out a restraining order against her.

His parents got divorced last year and his dad came out to be gay after 25 years of marriage. He himself has experimented with boys ( just oral giving and receiving ) has had threesomes and foursomes and done the whole sex club scene. I introduced him to my best friend and her initial reaction was she thought he was gay. I do see him as very sensitive which lends itself to coming across as gay.

A weird incident happened the other night we were outside a pub kissing when a girl came up out of nowhere and said he looked like a terrible kisser. He was quite obviously annoyed so I reassured him about how good a kisser he is ( which is true ) his phone rang so he stepped away to answer it and a different girl came up to me and said " he's not good enough for you " I asked did she know him she said no and walked off. I asked him did he know her he said no. I am convinced that she is a friend of his ex because that kind of thing doesn't happen randomly does it?

I have lived a very much drama free life whereas he seems to attract drama. I do really like him but I'm afraid it will end in heartbreak and I'll have ignored the warning signs.

any advice?

beks101

I say go with it and see what comes of it. Don't invest too much at this stage, but don't cut yourself off from him because it's one of those situations you'd probably look back on and wonder about/regret.

I was in a similar situation with a guy before. Totally different backgrounds, he was 'unconventional' in similar ways and we were like chalk and cheese in terms of our upbringings and certain aspects of our personalities. But at the heart of it there was a real connection and I didn't want to walk away without giving it a proper shot.

I did, and ultimately it didn't work out. But I'm happy I stuck in there until it became obvious it was unsustainable, because you just don't know where you'll find the right person for you. They're bloody hard to find and can pop up anywhere. Keep an open mind and judge this guy on his own merits. If it feels 'off' based on your own judgement, then call it a day. But at least give it a chance.

blatantrereg

Ask your best friend what she makes of the weird women. Not sure I get where the alarm bells are. Weird women being weird isn't his fault I wouldn't think.

Is it that you are freaked out by his sexual experimentation? I'd say if he was gay he would just go ahead and be gay. I imagine closet cases don't openly discuss homosexual acts. If you find him a bit effeminate and find that off-putting then maybe that's something to consider, but that's a compatibility issue, not something alarming.

ahnow

He might be fine, and it might just happen to not look great all put together.
I wouldn't be keen on the sexual promiscuity part of it, it would put me off someone knowing they've had foursomes and gone to sex clubs. Personally it says something wreckless and chaotic and risk taking in the personality, but that's my own views.

What I'd be looking at in your situation is the promiscuity, and then the story about his ex. If he was an abusive type, perhaps he is just telling this story about her to discredit her in the future, it's a common move. Doubled with the promiscuity are two key characteristics of certain abusive personalities.
But then again he could be lovely and all of these things just happened to come together.
Perhaps look at how soon he told you all of this information as a warning in itself. If you've been seeing him for a long time, fair enough, but if it's only been a short time, it might be a ploy to gain your confidence and trust prematurely by creating a false sense of intimacy.

notsure123456

Hi OP here.

Thank you for responses it is giving me something to think about.

I don't think he is trying to gain my trust prematurely I think he is being honest and upfront that he would prefer for me to freak out now while it is early days than freak out months/years down the line when we both have invested more into the relationship.

In terms of him being effeminate. I think it is just something i'm not used to, my previous boyfriends were the typical GAA/rugby lads lad. Some of things he comes out with i kind of look at him in disbelief but we are also still getting to know each other.

I think I am just going to proceed with caution and see what happens.

jopax

He obviously is not your usual type and whilst there is nothing wrong with that, the simple fact that your questioning it says something is wrong.

I think your gut instinct is YELLING at you for a very good reason.

I understand everyone is different but personally I would be running as fast as my little legs could carry me.

I think its great that he is so honest but do you really want all that chaos in your life ?

Saralee4

I would say keep your guard up. It's great to be honest and yes we want honest people in our lives but something about his honesty strikes me as if it's him telling you "this is who I am" . Why does he feel the need to be so honest straight away. Usually it takes time to be with someone and gain their trust before you tell them about your sexual past that's if you even do feel the need to tell your partner. Usually at the beginning you want to proove that you are in this relationship and not want to bring up your past and then eventually as time goes on and you are together a long time it might come up but by that time there is usually nothing to worry about.

Are the threesomes and gay experimentation something he has said that he is now not interested in or is it something you are to accept may come up in the future? Has he be clear on what his stance is on that now?

Did he say why the ex girlfriend tried to stab him? Was it a one off event or was she abusive the whole time? Was he doing being unfaithful with other men and having threesomes when he was with her?

There are alot of questions. I just don't know about passing the stuff off as being honest is really the motive. Like how long are you two together?

Are these things something he talks about proudly or thinks are impressive?

jimd2

Super post by Saralee above, ask all the pertinant questions.

He has done nothing wrong to you yet it's a lot to deal with. Dont think I would be too happy about te expressed sexual past but if it came up at a later stage you could be saying why didnt he tell me before.


Case of jury still out and, if you are happy overall then proceed with a ertain level of caution.

Rubberchikken

i think when alarm bells ring they're ringing for a reason.
tbh he sounds like a lot of work and drama. if you want this in your life only you can decide.
listen to your gut. good luck

IlmoNT4

When those alarm bells ring, act on it...

There ringing so loud that you've taken to an online forum ....
OP I think remove yourself from this situation. Your gut is telling you something, and its never wrong.

gsi300024v

loulou2009 wrote: »

When those alarm bells ring, act on it...

There ringing so loud that you've taken to an online forum ....
OP I think remove yourself from this situation. Your gut is telling you something, and its never wrong.

I'd see how it goes, but maybe this girl saying these things is just a spark that is bringing up there other stuff, like are you ok he's adventurous with his sexuality? That he is part bi ?

Stavro Mueller

notsure123456 wrote: »

a different girl came up to me and said " he's not good enough for you " I asked did she know him she said no and walked off. I asked him did he know her he said no. I am convinced that she is a friend of his ex because that kind of thing doesn't happen randomly does it?

I wouldn't be a quick to jump to this conclusion. You want her to be a friend of his ex but what if she isn't? She could be someone who knows him for some reason and felt she had to warn you.

notsure123456

Op here.

I found most of it out on the second date we had a very open and honest conversation. He was witb the ex for a year apparently she was bi polar he couldn't put up with her so tried to leave but she threatened to commit suicide so he couldn't walk away. When she came at him with a knife that was the final straw.

The time of experimentation came before her. He told me he was a man whore for awhile which I assumed it was sleeping around but it was the activities in my original post. He told me he is completely comfortable with his sexuality and that's not what he wants. I told him about my past very tame in comparison just being screwed around by guys cheating. I told him how I live a fairly normal drama free life and he appeared to attract drama. He apologised for it and didn't want it affecting me that he has been through alot of **** and has had to grow up fast (he's 26). That night when I got hom he text me saying "I hope I haven't scared you off with my past. I don't want to hide anything from you. I think you're awesome"

I don't think he is proud of it. If he is I have been completely suckered

gsi300024v

Id not consider him being proud or not proud. For me I see his past as is past, it wouldn't really need judgement.

westernlass

Some people just like to be controversial, it could be the case with the girl on street. A sideway look from him could have made her not like him.

punisher5112

some say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Op if he has explored with other guys a health check for Sti's would be on the cards.

The whole situation seems very odd.


I would be looking for someone that won't be bringing drama and stress as you are having now.

hfallada

My honest opinion is that Irish people dont honestly talk openly about sex. When an Irish person talks openly about past sexual experiences, most people dont know how to react. I have worked with other nationalities who within an hour of meeting you will talk about 3 somes, funny sex stories and experimenting with the same sex. Those this mean they are promiscuous? No they are just more open than what Irish people are used to. Like you wont see that many Irish people showing PDA in Ireland. Where as you might see a German couple making out with no shame in conservative parts of German like Munich. How is a going to a sex club for sex, different to going to a bar to bring some girl back to your house? Just because its in a more normal setting its acceptable.

I think if he was gay, he would be with a man. Young gay irish have no issue with being gay and living an openly gay lifestyle. If they arent happy with being gay here, than just move abroad. I find that if a guy has a good dress sense or acts in a certain way. Most Irish people just tend to label them gay. If he experimented with guys, he would clearly be ok with being gay. But the fact he is with you now, shows that he isnt gay. Most guys would experiment with a guy if they could, but its just not the norm in Irish society. Two male co-workers of mine who were completely straight, but experimented with guys and decided it wasnt for them. Most of us are on a Kinsey scale.

I dont see how his dad being gay is relevant and a reflection on him as a person.But I would try and find out more about the ex that he has a restraining order about. How is she so crazy about him. I would ignore some drunk girl in a bar. I think if she had something decent to say about his past, she would have said it.

The guy you are dating could try out to the be most honest and sweetest guy you have ever dated. Who just so happened to have a quite ****ty past. But if you arent willing to accept it, move it and if you arent comfortable with his lifestyle choices in the past(norms in other countries, but taboo here). Just move on from him

athtrasna

I think it's great that he's been so open and honest OP. Trust your instinct but you're the one he's chosen, that means something. We all have a past, the key is learning from it.

notsure123456

hfallada wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to repost an entire long post, especially to give a one line response!

I'm Irish he is kiwi we are both in New Zealand.

notsure123456

I feel like I have given all the reasons why I should run. For the sake of completeness here's what's pulling me the other way. I'm incredibly attracted to him he is tall and good looking. He is ridiculously intelligent and ambitious. He never went to college went straight into a bank call centre self taught himself IT and worked his way up through the bank and is now earning over $100k. He is open and honest I don't believe he is hiding anything else he has laid it all out on the table. We haven't had sex because he doesn't want to rush it. He seems to really like me and is not afraid to say it. Ok it is a little intense but this is why I'm so torn.

cactusgal

Hi Op, it's a toughie, sounds like you like him and that he has a lot of good points. The promiscuity would definitely put me right off, but that's just me. I respect the fact that others may feel differently. If you do go on to sleep with him, I'd insist on a full STI test first. Good luck!

suicide_circus

notsure123456 wrote: »

I feel like I have given all the reasons why I should run. For the sake of completeness here's what's pulling me the other way. I'm incredibly attracted to him he is tall and good looking. He is ridiculously intelligent and ambitious. He never went to college went straight into a bank call centre self taught himself IT and worked his way up through the bank and is now earning over $100k. He is open and honest I don't believe he is hiding anything else he has laid it all out on the table. We haven't had sex because he doesn't want to rush it. He seems to really like me and is not afraid to say it. Ok it is a little intense but this is why I'm so torn.

I'd be concerned that you're so desperate to find positives about him that you resort to bringing his salary into it

Stavro Mueller

Anyone can have a psycho ex but it's the getting up close and personal with another man/men that'd ring loud alarm bells for me. It'd make me wonder just how sure he is about his sexuality. But if you're OK with him having been sexually aroused by other blokes, then happy days .

MrWalsh

suicide_circus wrote: »

I'd be concerned that you're so desperate to find positives about him that you resort to bringing his salary into it

Why is bringing his salary in desperation? I'd prefer a guy with a good salary over one earning minimum wage when I start dating someone just as much as I'd prefer him to be good looking. It's a sign of ambition, the ability to be a good provider and most important, intelligence, you don't get many thickos on 100k+.

Penny Tration

MrWalsh wrote: »

Why is bringing his salary in desperation? I'd prefer a guy with a good salary over one earning minimum wage when I start dating someone just as much as I'd prefer him to be good looking. It's a sign of ambition, the ability to be a good provider and most important, intelligence, you don't get many thickos on 100k+.

I'd imagine because at the start of a relationship, you should be attracted to the person so much that you don't even have to think about his salary!

My boyfriend was on a very good salary when we got together, but it didn't even enter my mind when thinking of positive attributes!

OP, only you can decide what to do. You mentioned him being 'intense,' though. That's quite off-putting to me. Expressing that you like someone is all well and good, but getting intense so soon in is a bit odd.

His past is his past. I've one or two nut-job exes, and I've experimented with the same gender, so they wouldn't be massive issues to me personally. That said, the willingness to disclose it all so soon - that'd worry me. He's telling you, almost a stranger, about things that would make people run a mile.

What is he going to admit to when/if things get serious, if that's stuff he'll readily admit to?

Saralee4

That's a good point Jenny, sometimes we mistake intense for being intimate but they are not the same although it can be exciting.

Having a good job is a positive but you don't have to be a nice person to get a good well paid job.

He does sound very attractive and exciting but still I would question the "honesty". I don't believe it's a case of irish people being prudish at all. I think it is more a case of loading someone with all that information on only the second date seems to me to be prepping op for either more to come or introducing you to that world rather than putting it behind him.

I would be thinking, if he is into all this, is he going to be happy with "tame" intimate sex with me. Is that going to be enough for someone that seems to crave fast fleeting kicks like going to sex clubs. Is your sex life with him going to grow as a couple or is it going to be you living up to the expectations of a guy who likes and gets a kick out of taboo or risky experimental sex. It could be that is what you are looking for. But if not then it's something that will probably come up again for him.

He seems to crave excitement. There is nothing wrong with being experimental but the man seems to be very inexperienced when it comes to forming close personal relationships. Is there another girlfriend that was a positive intimate long relationship?

I don't know but I can't imagine a woman on a second date telling the guy that she is into sex with strangers, details of her parents divorce and threesomes and that she got bet up by her last boyfriend. I would say most guys would be like "eh".

ahnow

Oh dear, he told you all that after the second date? I would be running a mile!

MagicMarker

MrWalsh wrote: »

Why is bringing his salary in desperation? I'd prefer a guy with a good salary over one earning minimum wage when I start dating someone just as much as I'd prefer him to be good looking. It's a sign of ambition, the ability to be a good provider and most important, intelligence, you don't get many thickos on 100k+.

Someone earning a good salary rarely starts out that way. Secondly a person can be ambitious without aiming to earn as much as humanly possibly. And as for the naivety of your last line, Fianna Fail says hello. Money =/= intelligence. I feel sorry for you if this is truly how you think.

donkey oatey

That's a REALLY good point about intensity seeming like intimacy. Another way to look at it, maybe he's just an honest person and it has nothing to do with his feelings for you. Maybe you're reading more into it than is needed.

My ex had a similar past and we had a similar beginning but I think he was seeing what I thought and hoping I'd go along with it. Maybe ask him why he told you all of that or does he hope you'll want to go along with him, does he believe in monogamy or is being bi a reason to go outside the relationship?

My past experience says that some people lie to get what they want with no thought to the future but I'm hoping that you won't have the same experience.

Littlekittylou

Firstly. The MOST important thing is that he is ok. Listen he had an ex who tried to stab him. The most important thing is that he is ok or anyone is ok. Is he safe now? Whatever happens i would just hope he is ok. That's the only thing that matters. Don't hurt anyone. Has he healed? Is he restored to his true proper self? Is he ok?Whatever happens the important thing is you are both ok.

Is the ex any danger to you OP?

That is really the most crucial factor.

What is his sexual orientation? Is he bi or gay? I would need to be 100% certain on that. I would not be comfortable with someone who was ambiguous.
hfallada

How is a going to a sex club for sex, different to going to a bar to bring some girl back to your house? Just because its in a more normal setting its acceptable.

Life choices are life choices. They should be respected so long as they hurt none. If it does not hurt anyone do what you will. I use this term respectfully 'Kinksters' some are great people. They are who they are though. It's a part of them. It's not a bad part. But it's different from ....and I use this again respectfully 'vanillas'. It is not that it is unacceptable at all but it's a certain culture for particular needs. There is nothing wrong in that in and of itself. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

But is he really going to be 'happy'. It seems like he is someone who has been through a lot.

Are you secure in your sexuality and do you know yourself op? Have you spoken to him about what you are comfortable with?

It's not a question of him having done anything wrong. He hasn't. It's just that kinkster sex ....or clubs ( i didn't know they had those!) or group sex ...is like a race car...vanilla sex ....is a push bike. That seems like it's derogatory to vanilla sex. It's not meant to be. On the other side of that don't put people in boxes, but respect everyone's boundaries.

Is he going to feel like he is suppressing himself? Have you been clear about how you feel about sex?

And it's not a judgement thing. I have been too vanilla for some people some people have been too vanilla for me. We are all different.

I would worry with someone who is so sexually hardcore that i might be out of my depth.

mistake intense for being intimate

This is very true. I think it's fair to say that many people who experience group sex or that environment go there because they want to consensually treat others and themselves as 'sex toys ' or 'things'. That done consensually is absolutely fine. But their idea of sex might be different. I would not want to be thought of as a toy. I am me myself. I want someone who is interested in me wants to read my writing or whatever.

It seems to me that he has been through a lot. And needs to heal and be restored to who he is. If he is making a free choice and not one weighed down by his bad experiences and really feels he would be happy.

I think you need to make clear that 'sex clubs ' etc (regardless of respecting others choices) are not something you want to be talked into or anything. In fact really the whole things is respecting others sexually.

It's character.

As regards drama. You have had two dates. It's very soon. If the man treats you well is kind etc respects you and others maybe.

How has he treated you so far, honestly?

Honestly some kinksters are lovely people. But they don't attract drama etc. They live healthy lives.

The women....well don't assume to see the secret pieces of a jigsaw puzzle ..you don't know why those women said those things. Look at the facts. Two women made derogatory remarks. Was there an altercation before you were not aware of? Did he provoke something? Is she a friend of the ex? Are they women from these 'clubs'? Are they random nutters? You don't know. Don't assume.

I don't believe it's a case of irish people being prudish at all. I think it is more a case of loading someone with all that information on only the second date seems to me to be prepping op for either more to come or introducing you to that world rather than putting it behind him.

I have heard of this. I have heard of groups drawing women into that scene through that. It's not like the guy drives up to a club with the sign 'SEX' on the door. But his friends from that 'scene' are slowly introduced quite innocently and they test the waters.

I would never want to be put in a compromising position. I would never compromise my sense of self.

I don't think you can assume he is going to try that or not. But I would simply say you want your wishes respected and REALLY respected not anyone trying to run rings around you.

You have a RIGHT to feel safe in a relationship.

I don't have an issue with intenseness or anything. It's people trying to get around me or influence me or just not being genuine. BS. BS. is the source of all negative drama.

I have a psycho ex.

He never went to college went straight into a bank call centre self taught himself IT and worked his way up through the bank and is now earning over $100k.

An empire is never worth losing your sense of self for. Keep yourself. That could make things either more or less compatible depending on your position tbf.

He seems to really like me and is not afraid to say it.

Big factor. If it's genuine.

Pay attention. I have learned that just because someone likes you or desires you does not mean they will treat you with respect or kindness.

He is open and honest I don't believe he is hiding anything else he has laid it all out on the table.

Big factor.



We ALL have our 'stuff'........ I have loadsa stuff!

I judge someone of how they treat me and others. Two dates is not enough time to really know how much positivity or negativity someone brings.

I'm quite fragile at times. I think how much drama etc you can take is relative.
Saralee4

I would be thinking, if he is into all this, is he going to be happy with "tame" intimate sex with me. Is that going to be enough for someone that seems to crave fast fleeting kicks like going to sex clubs. Is your sex life with him going to grow as a couple or is it going to be you living up to the expectations of a guy who likes and gets a kick out of taboo or risky experimental sex. It could be that is what you are looking for. But if not then it's something that will probably come up again for him.He seems to crave excitement. There is nothing wrong with being experimental but the man seems to be very inexperienced when it comes to forming close personal relationships. Is there another girlfriend that was a positive intimate long relationship?

Everyone has to start somewhere.


I would go slowly and make sure you always feel ok and him too.

I will not sway you either way OP. It's personal.

One thing though ...you are very far away from home. And he is not. So he has more support than you do.
I don't blame you for being kinda cautious. Don't over judge. See who he really is. Don't do anything you are uncomfortable with.
It's up to you. Only you have met him. Go slowly.

Calibos

No, purely heterosexual males would not love to experiment with guys if it were more socially acceptable as an earlier poster thinks. I am as non homophobic as they come, have gay friends and relatives, have told gay guys that came on to me that I was flattered but straight. Not once have I had the urge to suck €&?!

OP's BF is Bi. Simple as.

suicide_circus

ahnow wrote: »

Oh dear, he told you all that after the second date? I would be running a mile!

i didnt even cop this bit! all this has come out by a second date?!?! As someone else said - this kind of manic intensity does not equal openness or intimacy. And i'd agree with the above poster - a straight man might experiment with a guy once while very drunk...several times can only suggest he has some kind of ongoing attraction to men.

Littlekittylou

The most important thing is he is fine. He is ok. It sounds like he has been through a lot. It's bound to send him reeling. See how things go.

Saralee4

Littlekittylou wrote: »

The most important thing is he is fine. He is ok. It sounds like he has been through a lot. It's bound to send him reeling. See how things go.

I think that is the thing though little kitty, although I agree it sounds like he has had a very hard time, from ops description it's not him that sounds like the vulnerable one.

blatantrereg

notsure123456 wrote: »

Op here.

I found most of it out on the second date we had a very open and honest conversation. He was witb the ex for a year apparently she was bi polar he couldn't put up with her so tried to leave but she threatened to commit suicide so he couldn't walk away. When she came at him with a knife that was the final straw.

I've had women threaten suicide, fake cancer and cause lasting physical harm who were not diagnosed with any psychiatric illness. On the other hand, my long term partner now is diagnosed with BPAD and wouldn't do any of that sort of stuff (even during a severe episode).

A bit off topic, but I felt the need to mention it. Being manic does not necessarily mean someone will act horribly. Saying someone is bipolar isn't shorthand for saying they're arseholes.

On the other hand, I don't think there is any point trying to guess what he might have done to drive her to a knife attack. The answer is likely to be something very trivial or not existant at all.

Littlekittylou

OP if he was as he put it a 'man whore' it really means there are probably a lot of women out there whom he hurt. Does he feel bad about that? Did he try to even apologize to one or two. It shows a lot of emotional blindness.

A lot of men like him have a low opinion of women or are just down right misogynist. Some think of women in derogatory terms and think showing affection and respect to women is beneath them. If he was a 'man whore' he did hurt a lot of people.


Maybe he will treat you really well. I don't know. It would be difficult to fully have faith in someone to love when they made so many feel unlovable for their own pleasure.

We have all been on the receiving end of that. I have always thought well I hope they treat the next girl better. I guess you were the next girl. I never seem to be.


But that should not hold you back if you really feel you could find happiness with this man and he has grown as a person and now understands. It's not the sex. It's the way it is done really.

Just be careful , he made a move on other girls , he must have started some way, it might have been the same charm offensive. Don't show a shred of low self esteem. They prey on it. Some even enjoy it.

Some people both men and women will go to endless lengths to get what they want. They don't care how low they make you feel.

Women today simply cannot afford to be Nice Girls, because women who are too nice send the message that they are easy targets and are much more likely to be victimized emotionally, physically, and sexually. I don't mean be a bitch. But we cannot expect 'nice ' to protect us. We need to be assertive and have high self worth.

You met this guy online. And on the second date you found out he went to sex clubs etc. I am not going to dehumanize him or demean him. But you need to look after yourself.

Stop believing that being nice will protect you and learn how to protect yourself

Make sure you are not staying with him out of low self esteem. Or a sense that you owe it to him because you are 'nice'. That you need to be non judgmental.

Being demeaned or insulted or treated like you are 'female takeout' is one of the most hurtful things someone can do. What type of people do that? Definitely less than 'nice guys'. He may be trying to be a nice guy now. But for a long time he wasn't one.


I think we as women are almost , well aggrieved on behalf of the women some men hurt. Because we have been there too. I for one have suffered 'nice girl syndrome'. Guys have been there 'nice guy syndrome'.

I am too nice to people who don't deserve it or just made me feel unlovable or awful. I have to say to myself Stop Being Manipulated and Abused. Because if you let it go on you feel so low you just through yourself at the next asshole because you feel unworthy. And certain people pick up on this. They use it.

I am glad for you that you seem to be 'the next girl'.

But expect to be treated highly. Don't demand it or ask for it. If he is genuine it will come naturally and genuinely. He will leave you in no doubt.

Whatever you decide I hope you are happy both of you him too. I am glad for you that you seem to be 'the next girl'. Be happy be safe xxx

santana75

MagicMarker wrote: »

Someone earning a good salary rarely starts out that way. Secondly a person can be ambitious without aiming to earn as much as humanly possibly. And as for the naivety of your last line, Fianna Fail says hello. Money =/= intelligence. I feel sorry for you if this is truly how you think.

+1. I know people who earn a lot in the jobs they do but they hate what they do, day in day out. Money does not equal sucess or ambition. Sucess is when you can't differentiate fun from work. I'd be concerned that the OP would list what this guy earns as an attribute. Drug dealers earn quite a lot of money and by that logic they'd be a fine catch for someone too.

Littlekittylou

I'd be concerned that the OP would list what this guy earns as an attribute.

Me too. And I can't think that if he heard it himself that it would make him feel very good about himself.

When I say he must treat you highly I mean that the OP must reciprocate that of course. Anyway stop over thinking and simply do what you decide. Because over thinking solves nothing. It's a convenient waste of time that we tell ourselves is productive to avoid things. Go on couple of dates. See who he is. See if he is the genuine article and he can also see if you are.

Littlekittylou

It's always worth a chance. You are different OP to him and he is different too.

He has been through a lot. As regards the ex stabbing him....no I don't think someone who stabs you NEEDS a reasons infact someone who tries to do that would have no real reason anyway. She was abusive end of story.

Try spending time have normal dates. See what happens TELL him your fears. Be a communicator.

LegacyUser

To me, the simplest explanation is the most likely. And it's not good.

Any one of his rather exceptional personal circumstances would give me pause for thought. But the sum of them - I'd run a mile. And fast.

I wouldn't be comfortable with his sexual encounters with guys, fair enough, you might be though. I didn't get the impression he'd told you that he was bi though.

Anyone can have a horrible ex, but this on top of his experimentation, ok. That's bad luck for him, and a lot to deal with for you.

A randomer commenting badly on you two as a couple. That's weird. Maybe *she's* just a passing crazy person

A second randomer commenting badly on you two as a couple, well that's just beyond the bounds of possibility, given every other 'exceptional' circumstance in his life! I mean seriously, he should buy several lottery tickets! Ok, I'm being flippant - but I have genuinely never ever heard of anyone with a life like that. I just couldn't take the drama, tbh. I really think you should leave him to it, and get away from this guy. Will you ever not be looking over your shoulder with him? Life is too short for that OP.

Saralee4

I think the thing with the random women giving their negative opinions was probably because op said that even her friends questioned hos sexuality.

So I assume, he is a little camp and these women were drunk and seeing them kissing, they were being nosey and thought they'd give their opinion. They probably thought by the look of him that he was gay and thought they were doing op a favour.

Anyway i wouldn't be worried about them. It's the other stuff I'd be worried about.

suicide_circus

I think the fact that after 2 dates you felt compelled to start a thread about this guy entitled "too many alarm bells" speaks volumes, does it not?

mada82

Straight men don't experiment or want to experiment with other men.

He's bi.

Chucky the tree

loulou2009 wrote: »

When those alarm bells ring, act on it...

There ringing so loud that you've taken to an online forum ....
OP I think remove yourself from this situation. Your gut is telling you something, and its never wrong.

What? Peoples "gut" can always be wrong.

suicide_circus wrote: »

I'd be concerned that you're so desperate to find positives about him that you resort to bringing his salary into it

I'd be concerned that she think his salary is important actually. I fail to see how her bringing up his salary his a reflection on him as a person.

Littlekittylou wrote: »

OP if he was as he put it a 'man whore' it really means there are probably a lot of women out there whom he hurt. Does he feel bad about that? Did he try to even apologize to one or two. It shows a lot of emotional blindness. A lot of men like him have a low opinion of women or are just down right misogynist. Some think of women in derogatory terms and think showing affection and respect to women is beneath them. If he was a 'man whore' he did hurt a lot of people.

Is a woman who has slept with a guy a man-hater? Does she have a low opinion of men? Is she a woman whore? Did she hurt a lot of people? Would you even consider calling a woman who slept with a lot of women a whore? I really doubt it.

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Maybe he will treat you really well. I don't know. It would be difficult to fully have faith in someone to love when they made so many feel unlovable for their own pleasure. We have all been on the receiving end of that. I have always thought well I hope they treat the next girl better. I guess you were the next girl. I never seem to be.

How do you know he made those girls feeel unlovable, how do you know they didn't enjoy it? There are lots of females out there who enjoy casual sex. There are lots of girls who don't enjoy it but have it anyway, that's their own fault though and not the guys.

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Women today simply cannot afford to be Nice Girls, because women who are too nice send the message that they are easy targets and are much more likely to be victimized emotionally, physically, and sexually. I don't mean be a bitch. But we cannot expect 'nice ' to protect us. We need to be assertive and have high self worth.

You met this guy online. And on the second date you found out he went to sex clubs etc. I am not going to dehumanize him or demean him. But you need to look after yourself.

Of course women can afford to be Nice girls, if they are mentally adjusted and confident it's very easy to be a nice girl. People are more likely to be victimized emotionallty, physically and sexually if they are other mental issues or they lack self-esteem. You are right about being assertive and having a high self worth, but that doesn't mean you don't still have to be nice.

You've spend most of your post dehumanizing and demeaning him, not sure why you feel the need to stop now.

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Make sure you are not staying with him out of low self esteem. Or a sense that you owe it to him because you are 'nice'. That you need to be non judgmental.

I agree with the low self-esteem. Never be with someone for that reason. Everyone should be non-judgemental. No idea why someone would suggest it's ever fair to judge someone as a whore because they have slept with X number of people for example.

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Being demeaned or insulted or treated like you are 'female takeout' is one of the most hurtful things someone can do. What type of people do that? Definitely less than 'nice guys'. He may be trying to be a nice guy now. But for a long time he wasn't one.

Ah good to see you didn't stop demeaning him for very long. For a long time he wasn't a nice guy? Lol. Because he liked to have sex? Yep, solid reason right there. By the sounds of your past you've had a bit of sex. Obviously must mean you're not a nice girl?

Littlekittylou wrote: »

I think we as women are almost , well aggrieved on behalf of the women some men hurt. Because we have been there too. I for one have suffered 'nice girl syndrome'. Guys have been there 'nice guy syndrome'.

I think you don't speak for all women. There's no such thing as 'nice girl syndrome' it's 'low self-estem girl syndrome'. It's the same for men as well.

Chucky the tree

As for the OP:

I think it says a huge amount about people when they use the word "Too many alarm bells" when someone is honest. People always talk about how they want someone who is "honest" but they actually don't. As we see from your post people just hate actual honesty. I think the problem with your bf is that he is a bit naive. If he didn't mention anything about his ex, the sex clubs, his past sex experiences, his Dad etc and simply talked about his job, favourite TV shows, sports and all the other stuff "honest" people talk on a second date then you've have zero alarm bells and you'd be thinking this guy was brilliant. He was honest though, rookie mistake on his part really. Chances are after a few rejections he'll learn to simply not mention his past.

Saralee4

People do want honesty but I don't believe that anyone is expected to divulge every bit of their sexual past, parents problems and relationship history on the second date.

If you are seriously putting that behind you, these things are not the topics of second dates.

This is the time where you are getting to know each other. It seems the guy was defining himself by these things.

Chucky the tree

Saralee4 wrote: »

People do want honesty but I don't believe that anyone is expected to divulge every bit of their sexual past, parents problems and relationship history on the second date.

If you are seriously putting that behind you, these things are not the topics of second dates.

This is the time where you are getting to know each other. It seems the guy was defining himself by these things.

I agree no one expects it because everyone realises they'd basically never have a successfully relationship if they did it. As I said the guy is extremely naive, he'll soon learn though. I just wouldn't discount a person for being extremely naive.

Littlekittylou

By the sounds of your past you've had a bit of sex. Obviously must mean you're not a nice girl?

Excuse me? I have had six sexual partners. That's it. I am one of the nicest people you could ever meet actually.
You post is just attacking me personally.

Chucky the tree

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Excuse me? I have had six sexual partners. That's it. I am one of the nicest people you could ever meet actually.
You post is just attacking me personally.

It's not actually. It's attacking your opinions.

Littlekittylou

Chucky the tree wrote: »

It's not actually. It's attacking your opinions.

By the sounds of your past you've had a bit of sex. Obviously must mean you're not a nice girl?

That was just nasty.

Tokyo

Chucky the tree - you've been warned on this before - Personal Issues is an advice forum, and various opinions are welcome. It's not a debate forum where you get to pick apart every post you think you find fault with. Yellow carded.

Everybody else, if we can get back on topic please.

~Mike