Fear

LegacyUser

I've thought about posting this for a while. It may be indulgent. This may all be just in my head, so apologies in advance.

I'm coming to the realisation that fear influences a lot of areas of my life. Work, social, day to day. It's been 5-6 years since I've thought about new friendships in any meaningful way, that is, done anything about it. Old friends no longer live in Ireland, or are hard to get a hold of. I know part of the answer is to explore new opportunities through clubs and hobbies. I've a mental block on that and perhaps I'm simply too passive in life, in general. But, were a friendship to arise, I don't know what to do. When is OK to ask for someone's phone number and that sort of thing? I spend a lot of time in my head trying to figure out other people and get nowhere with that, for obvious reasons.

It helps that I'm a procrastinator. Not. Right now, I'm putting off emailing my therapist to set up a meeting. College and my adult life has been more stressful with my mental health taking a kicking. I've thought patterns that aren't very positive towards myself. That's not changed, really. Fear sucks fun out of my life. I've effectively given up on running and I put off a lot of things because I feel mentally stuck. I'm aware that you might talk about getting outside of my comfort zone. I'm not against that. I've travelled alone and might up with groups I didn't know and gone to a few boards things as well. The worst of all, and I hate talking about it, is living at home. That needs to change. Again, I return to fear. Oddly enough, my therapist has described me as being independent and self-contained*, despite knowing I live at home...as a year 30 year old. How you give a landlord a reference if you don't have any past renting to point to? *I like spending time on my own, I often prefer it rather than people and that may not chime with what I said about hobbies earlier.

I like my job, for the most part. It's been a source of frustration for the past year. My boss is one of the most scattered and disorganised people (imo). We had no appraisals last year, tons of stuff has been on the back burner. This is obviously outside of my control. I'm doing the work - the rest is up to her. I've had no update on my employment status in months and I don't know how to bring it up that. It's hard to get even a few minutes to sit with her. She's the only one, everyone else is equal.

Thanks if you read this far.

Littlekittylou

Do what you are able to do for the Moment.Make a brief email message two sentences even for the therapist.

Sorry to hear about the mental anguish. But you have to think. Everything passes even a moment of being stuck. So look forward to that.

But, were a friendship to arise, I don't know what to do.

Maybe get a new buddy or a new trainer to help with the hobbies like running etc. If you feel like it.

Oddly enough, my therapist has described me as being independent and self-contained

'containing all parts necessary for self completeness' or 'able or tending to keep one's feelings, thoughts' or 'able to control one's feelings or emotions in the presence of others'.

Don't confuse things that are a certain way about you to the things you feel make you unhappy. It seems your therapist thinks well of you though.

I've had no update on my employment status in months and I don't know how to bring it up that. It's hard to get even a few minutes to sit with her.

Maybe your boss is inexperienced.Everyone is different. Maybe communication styles are unclear and confusing here. Talk if you can.


Do little tasks at a time. And connect up a bit. Is there someone who can help?

Littlekittylou

And try not to be afraid. :-) Be happy!

Oryx

Being self contained is no bad thing, an independent mind is valuable. The only issue with it is that if you close yourself off too much, your life shrinks around you and can get lonely. You need to challenge yourself. Not in massive ways, but move beyond your comfort zone. Do one thing everyday that scares you, as the saying goes.

When it comes to procrastinating, thats down to willpower. But all you need to do is start your task. Don't worry about the finish, just get stuck in to whatever it is. Just get rough drafts or outlines done. Once you get that structure it will get easier. But do that first few minutes!

Fear can be overcome, it just means being temporarily uncomfortable. And the more you do that the easier it gets to face new challenges.

Earthhorse

Sounds like you need to push yourself a bit. Not hugely but a bit. Get out more and try new things.

So, for example, making new friends and getting someone's number. Usually the correct time to ask for someone's number is when you have reason to. If you're talking to someone about let's say an upcoming event that you're both interested in attending you can say "Here, give us your number there and I'll keep in touch about it." But that's not the only way. This is why I say you maybe need to get out there and try new things because it seems there are certain things you're unsure of and overthinking. Sometimes we can't think our way through situations but have to do our way through them.

Ditto moving out. If a landlord isn't happy with you having no rent history you have to ask them what would reassure them. Or you may have to move in with strangers (this could be a good way of making new friends).

In short, I think your problems require action more than thought so you can see they are not so difficult to overcome as you think. We've all been there. Good luck.

LegacyUser

My head gets tied up in knots over anxiety over personal, social and work things. I sometimes take work home with me. I'm probably a little too closed off, yep. I've been described as a closed book before. I'm not against opening up, but find it hard to know who to trust. I've done it in the past, so...that's a starting point, I guess. I've been to a few boards events and enjoyed those, though it's sometimes hard to 'allow' myself to have fun. I've thought about taking a long term break from the site as it's sometimes a little toxic, I find. Re procrastination, writing things down tends not to work for me all that well. Workwise, sure, but personal or other - my list at home generally gathers dust.

I'm resuming therapy soon, so that'll help as a space to talk, though I don't use it as a crutch. My head's not in a good place these days. Thank you for the considered replies, appreciate it.

shaymus27

Sorry to read your head is not in a good place these days.

Previous post said we've all been there. You are not alone in what you have written. I can relate to a lot of it.

I am a procrastinator but work well under pressure so manage to cope with it.

It sounds to me like your self-esteem isn't very high. This is worth PRIORITISING. "Fixing" that is vital to how you see yourself and how you interact with the world.

Not letting go to enjoy yourself at events sounds to me like you lack the self belief to let yourself go and know others will respond favourably. It's easier to do this with friends who your trust.

I think sometimes if there isn't enough excitement or good times in our lives the rest of our lives can be dreary. It is easier to cope with stress, boring stuff if there is exciting stuff in our lives.

I think you could do with a bit of fun, excitement, something that gets your adrenaline going in a way that you feel good and alive. Without that we can all be a little flat.

I think you will have the ability to have fun if you improve your self esteem enough to be able to put yourself in a position to do the fun. exciting things - this will require meeting new people.

Be careful about bringing work home as it sounds like you are drained enough as it is. You are probably a bit depressed on an on-going basis.

Try get in contact with people who value you and who make you feel good - old friends. An email might resurrect a friendship.

If you could reach out to a friend you can fully trust it might help you feel better to talk. They might help you develop a social life and meet friends.

Fun, excitement - suppose you had the belief enough to meet a boy/girl friend. Wouldn't you feel excitement and be able to better cope? Without that buzz of friendship, fun and excitement everyone struggles.

Hope you improve your self esteem, meet new people, meet a boy/girl friend and get a bit of fun and excitement in to your life.

LadyAthame

Nutella fan wrote: »

I'm resuming therapy soon, so that'll help as a space to talk, though I don't use it as a crutch. My head's not in a good place these days. Thank you for the considered replies, appreciate it.

I really hope that improves for you.

I agree with the above poster you really sound as if you are being hard on yourself.

And learn to formulate a positive space for yourself and getting things done is a balance.

Try reaching out to people. The internet can be toxic i know. Don't internalize that. Go out and enjoy the lovely weather!!!!!

Pick a life that resonates positively with you.

And I do think you could do with a little fun as the poster above said.

Reach out to someone you feel....an email or a message etc.

Blue Iris

It's very easy to let fear paralyse us. The part of the brain, the amygdala, that highlights possible danger for us can sometimes get it wrong and get activated when there is no sign of danger anywhere! It might be worth googling it and increasing your understanding of the underlying causes of fear in general.

You show a lot of self awareness in your posts and that is the first step to getting yourself out of this stuck place. "Feel the fear and do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers is a good book on this subject and well worth reading. The more you read and educate yourself about what you can do to help yourself, the more your motivation and confidence will grow about being able to deal with the fear that is holding you back and making you miserable. You really can change this for yourself. It will take time and effort, but it is well worth it.

Another excellent book is Rewire your Brain by John Arden. It gives all the science behind making changes in the way we think about ourselves and our lives, but is very easy to read. He has a useful acronym that summarises what we need to do to rewire our brains. It's FEED: Focus, Effort, Effortlessness and Determination.

I wish you the very best of luck in achieving everything you want in life.

LadyAthame

Nutella fan wrote: »

but find it hard to know who to trust. I've done it in the past, so...that's a starting point, I guess.

You have to take a crazy leap of faith sometimes.