Living with friends - social anxiety

rawn

Hi guys, my head is a bit of a mess ,

I've had social anxiety for as long as i can remember. When I'm around people i feel highly anxious, my mind goes blank, i feel sick with nerves and afterwards i always beat myself up over things i should have or shouldn't have said. Because of this, i avoid having out with friends, except on social nights when drink is involved, because i feel more relaxed after a drink. After I'm around people i feel the need to be alone, so i can relax. It's like being around people takes all of my energy and i need to recharge! My fiancé is very understanding about this. We're both college students and up until January we were staying in my dads. I was happy with this arrangement and so was my OH but then an opportunity came up for us to move in with 2 friends (a couple we have been very good friends with for years). I was hesitant, because i knew how i would feel. Last Christmas we moved from my dads to shared accommodation with sone guys we knew through friends, and i hated it. They were all lovely but i felt trapped in my room, i love cooking but i avoided the kitchen at all costs as there would invariably be someone in there. I felt so anxious and like i couldn't relax. I didn't mention it to my OH cos he loved it there, but we had to move back to my dad's after only 2 months due to circumstances beyond our control. I was so relieved! So this is why i was hesitant to move in with our friends, i knew this might happen again, but i agreed to it for my OHs sake. It was fine at first but now... i feel so depressed. I feel like I'm trapped in this house and i can't relax or recharge, because there's always someone downstairs, there's always noise, there's always someone knocking on our bedroom door about something or other. I should point out though that nothing our friends do is unreasonable, it's just making me feel like i can't be alone. I broke down to my OH about it yesterday and he's been brilliant, but really there's nothing we can do. Ideally I'd love to move out, just the two of us, but we can't afford to until we finish college (next year), I'd even consider moving back to my dad's but i don't think that's even a choice! I just feel like crying all the time, i just want peace and to be alone but i feel like i can't get it. What do i do? I'm stuck here for at least another year, i can't keep feeling like this.

Mr. Remote Control

rawn wrote: »

...Ideally I'd love to move out, just the two of us, but we can't afford to until we finish college (next year).

Have you exhausted all your options here? Is there anything you can cut/cut out e.g. mobile phonebill/somethingelse to make up the difference of having your own place?

rawn wrote: »

...i just want peace and to be alone but i feel like i can't get it. What do i do? I'm stuck here for at least another year, i can't keep feeling like this.

I get you. Peace is the best. You just can't put a price on it.

I could say, is there anyway you could totally embrace your surroundings? ...but I know that's very easy for me to say sitting here in my peaceful surroundings.

I hope everything works out for you.

GerB40

I had anxiety disorder for years (I still do to an extent) and I know exactly how you are feeling. My main bit of advice would be to avoid using drink as self medication. I know it's easy and can often feel like the only way to actually enjoy socialising but eventually it will become a crutch and that definitely makes things worse. I used drink to feel normal, to get rid of that stomach churning sickness I felt when I was around people and eventually I became dependant on it. Being an alcoholic with anxiety disorder is hell so for your own good try not to fall into that trap..

I'm sober now, I've seen different specialists, councillors and doctors and my life has improved immeasurably. What worked for me was a mix of medication and cognitive behavioural therapy. And although my anxiety may never be totally cured, learning how to manage it is life changing.

Best of luck to you, I hope it works out for ya...

Edit; Actually my best advice would be to speak to your doctor about it. Anxiety disorder is very misunderstood but a lot more common than people think. You seem to understand what triggers the anxiety so, at the risk of sounding blasé, you'd be a dream patient for a doctor.

Earthhorse

Are there any nights at all where the others are out? If so, it might be a good idea to use that as your guaranteed "relax in the home" night. Or could you and your boyfriend have a "movie night" where you guys command the living room once a week? I'm not sure what the etiquette is here as I've never really lived with a big group bar my family.

Alternatively, can you get out of the house for a walk just to clear your head?

Maybe those things are impractical but perhaps brainstorm with your boyfriend ways to relax or create space for yourself so you don't feel so trapped.

Failing that, I think working on the route of the problem, reducing the effect your social anxiety has on you is the other option you have. You don't mention in your post whether you've been to a therapist or not but if not I'd suggest it. They can provide you with tools and techniques to help reduce your anxiety. Good luck.

maggiepip

Theres many people out there who wouldn't classify themselves as having social anxiety, but would not want to house share, even with friends as they would feel they are losing their personal space, and peace as you put it. So for you that feeling is even worse. My advice may go against the grain but I would say don't move in with them. Can you not stay put until both of you can afford your own place. If you do put yourself in the position of sharing a house, you will be living in a constant unease and this will take its toll on your mental health. Continuous underlying stress is very unhealthy. You seem very upset about the thoughts of this move so don't do something you really don't want to do. Our homes are supposed to be a place of refuge and peace, a place where we try to recharge ourselves from the stresses of the outside world, for you, your move will only bring you more stress, that not a progressive way to live, too much stress will eventually paralyze. Try to do what you want to do, for your own health. Best of luck

Littlekittylou

You need some help and to reach out to people. Would having your own room help?

Tell your friends you live with. I would try and be understanding.

rawn

Hi everyone, thanks so much for the replies! I'm already living in the house, have been since January, I share a room with my fiance. We would love to live on our own but as we're both students we only have BTEA as our income, and since nowhere accepts rent allowance anymore this was our only option. Moving back to my dad's is also no longer an option. The past week or so I've barely set foot outside my room. Even right now I'm starving but I can hear the couple we live with chatting in the kitchen and I can't bring myself to go downstairs, even though they're both good friends of mine I just can't do it. I visited my doctor last week at my OH's insistence but when I tried to talk to her I just felt like I was going to cry so I told her I was there about a sore shoulder instead, I was too upset and embarrassed to explain it. I'm doing an online social anxiety programme through my college, I only started a few weeks ago and so far it has just made me very aware of my out-focus thoughts and actions. With regards to telling my friends, before we moved in we discussed putting an ad on daft to fill the empty bedroom, but at this point I mentioned my social anxiety and that I'd rather pay the extra for the room to be empty. That's all they really know about my social anxiety, I never bring it up. I feel that because we've been friends for about 5-6 years they won't understand why my social enxiety includes them. I feel I''m far too reliant on my OH to do things for me but every time I try to leave my room I feel panicky and upset. I've even started to consider moving back to my dad's alone and sleeping on the pullout couch and leaving my fiance here, we've discussed this as an option but that would just add a different type of misery I think.

maggiepip

Sorry! In my previous post I mis read and thought you were still considering moving in. The only thing thats for certain is that you can't continue living like this. You'll end up getting very sick. Being bang in the centre of a situation you can't deal with at the moment seems to be too overwhelming for you. I think you should try to find someone to talk to face to face, your doctor or a counsellor, if you get over your fear of feeling stupid (you absolutely shouldn't feel stupid) that in itself may do wonders for your confidence. Your only other option seems to be moving back into your dads, which you don't want to do. I really think you should go back to your doctor and take it from there. One thing you should always remember is a saying I think is great : "What other people think of me is none of my business" ! Remember that one!

scrimshanker

Hi OP,

Well done on making it to the doctor's. I was given great advice over in the anxiety/depression thread (in the long term illness forum, which incidentally you might find useful as a way to talk to people who get what you're going through?) about how to go about seeing a doctor about anxiety - write it down and hand that to the doctor. It's not easy, and I felt like an awful eejit handing over my page of bullet points of what had been going on lately, but it made things much, much simpler because all I had to do was wait for him to finish reading and then he asked me questions and teased enough information out of me to decide what way would be the best way to start treating the anxiety.

Another thing is that most colleges have counselling services. It might be worth a visit to get some help dealing with the situation you're in. They may be able to help you with relaxation techniques and they can also help if your anxiety problems start spilling over into college and affecting your work there. I'm not saying that the latter will or is even likely to happen, but as a "just in case" it might be worth having these things on record with the college from as early as is possible.

Thoughts going out to you, OP.

Dark Phoenix

OP you have made the first step putting it all down in writing here. You now need to seek help for it. This disorder is ruining and running your life at the moment and drink or living alone forever is not the answer.

Talk to someone professional and while its scary remember it is with the goal of helping yourself to deal with every day situations and to feel relaxed and at peace. remember they seal with this every day so it wont seem odd or silly to them.

rawn

I went to see my doctor today. i brought my OH and he started to explain the situation til i got the courage to ball my eyes out speak up. He asked a lot of questions but was very understanding, he prescribed me efexor xl and set me up for blood tests and an ECG, which he said was routine. He also wrote me a note to take a few weeks off college til the meds start to work. I feel so relieved, I'M NOT CRAZY! I've just been feeling like I'm being silly and I would be told to just buck up but he was great. I've also to talk to my counselor in college. He recommended that I don't move out of the house I'm in as he said I'd just be avoiding the problem. So for the moment I'm still in the same situation, feeling trapped in my room, hiding away from my housemates... but hopefully things will ease up... I feel drained right now.