Uncommunicative boyfriend.

Bumfuzzle

Hi everyone,

I'd really appreciate some advice as I'm unsure of what to do. I'm not sure if this a gender issue or individual thing but basically, since I've started going out with boyfriend 4 years ago, he's been the kind of person not to discuss his issues or issues we might be having at all. I'm a very verbal person and need to discuss things openly to resolve them and move on. If I don't discuss things, I feel stuck, unhappy and frustrated.

It's got to the point now where certain things i.e. our future really need to be discussed and decisions have to be made (kids, where we're going to live etc.) but nothing. Even when his father died, he suffered in silence and mourned alone in his head. Anytime I tried to ask him how he was, he told he'd prefer just to not think about it and I think this is how he approaches most things in his life. It's hard-going being around that sometimes, particularly as I'm an emotional, open person about how I feel.

Just to state that I love this man with all my heart and he's a good person - the best, in fact and I really want this to work but sitting down and discussing what I feel needs to be discussed at this stage never, ever happens unless I bring it up. Anytime it does come up, iI feel like I'm nagging him and annoying him even though I try to approach things as calmly and as rationally as possible. The odd time I get frustrated and it comes out in an angry tone and he, understandably, shuts down even more and I feel guilty and don't mention it again for a while.

It's got to the point now where I feel I can't take much more of this. I'm in my 30s and he's in his early 40s, so time is not really on our side when it comes to some things. He has stated he wants to have kids with me but the practicalities have never been discussed and I think he's happy to put it on the long finger 'till I don't know what happens.

I understand some people are not comfortable expressing how they feel and that's fine - if he doesn't want to discuss how he's feeling (he never does beyond "I'm not feeling great") but some things HAVE to be discussed for both our sakes.

Just to state again, he's a really good man and is kind and sweet to me always and is able to express his love for me...but this is a major downfall on his part and I have no idea how to approach it. I'm not the most assertive person in the world. I don't want to end things but I'm frustrated about how things are.

Even putting this down has given me clarity. I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has to offer.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

While he may not be the best at discussing his feelings in respect of things like grief, he's quite entitled not to be. Everybody grieves in their own way and while his way may not be the recommended one, he is still allowed to do it privately, stoically even. That's his right. The same goes for any and all feelings he has. That might be hard for you to accept, being a more open person, but accept it you must. You can control your rection to it, but you can't seek to change him or intrude where he doesn't want you to.
You also can't see it as a downfall. I'd have to say that if he expresses his love for you, as you say, then you seem to be judging him quite harshly for being somewhat taciturn in other aspects of his feelings. I daresay that judgement is reflected in how you approach him about his feelings and that is probably coming across as intrusive, whether you mean it to or not. Personally I'd talk to the wall about anything, but when I have something I need time or privacy with, I don't need anybody trying to pry me open.

Your conversations about the future need to be better set up by the sounds of it. I think you need to let him know why you need to talk about the future, because it's a future you want and you know it won't simply happen unless you co-operate. You really need to let him know that whatever you're hoping his response will be, you will respect both his wishes for the future and whatever way he delivers that message, even if it gives you a hard decision to make. I think you need to let him know that his wishes for the future are included, that you're working together. I think your previous efforts, from what you've written, are probably coming across as you having a vision for the future which you are trying to force him to go along with. Nobody with any self-worth reacts well to that.

Through it all, I suggest you remember that you can only change how he communicates if you offer the right platform for both of you. Make sure you know when to be listening instead of talking, you have to take turns at that or nobody is getting anybody else's message.

chaz44

My fella is the exact same he avoids issues and isn't emotional at all.I do think a lot of men are like that though.I feel your frustration there ..

HelgaWard

Maybe print out what you posted above and show it to him? It might help him understand your perspective, which might encourage him to open up a bit?

Neyite

Usually I'm the bringer-upper of the heavy duty topics in our relationship.

I don't know if any of these will work with you, but how I've approached the big relationship topics - especially with regard to children/ marriage etc is to describe the timeline involved. I just asked him one evening, (he'd been discussing his sibling becoming a parent) how many kids he would like us to have. He said three ideally. I was 33 at the time, and once I'd described how long it may take to get pregnant, gestate and give birth, recover etc, then have another one or two, it got him thinking as he'd just never thought about a time frame in that way. There was no heavy discussion but about a week later he came back and said we should start trying for a baby.

Similarly, my partner likes leaving stuff on the long finger, I'm a bit more impulsive, but every once in a while I do have to say "we have to decide are we doing this, or that, we've been discussing it for ages now, so maybe this weekend we can decide once and for all?" That gives him time to mull over how he feels about it, think about what my views likely are to be, and we have a discussion then when we are more relaxed - usually on a walk in the woods or something.

We are careful to mention that if we are in bad/ quiet form unrelated to the other person, that it is unrelated. I appreciate that like you, I feel better by talking it out most of the time, he processes differently - he goes thinking in a long bath, its usually afterwards he brings up the topic and what he feels is the way forward.

iusedtoknow

I think you are approaching this in slightly the wrong way - but not in a bad way (if that makes sense). We all think that the way we think, process and do things is THE only correct way to do things.

I would probably be more like your boyfriend - I am pretty introverted and process things internally before I am ready to discuss things. My wife is the complete opposite and it took us a couple of years as a couple for us to learn what each other wanted out of the exchanges and met in the middle. I am not just like this in my personal life but also in my professional life. I sit, I listen, i think and NEVER make a decision in a meeting.

My wife on the other hand can sometimes be stewing on something, and want to talk about it - however not want a decision or course of action...just wanting to vent and then "esta" (spanish for ...that's it). However in the first few years I read it as her wanting action rather than just wanting things "out there". It led to conflict and fights.

But then we discovered that we had to adjust out communication style, and I think that is what you need to tackle with your BF first before you start bigger conversations. You need to figure out together a way to communicate, and meet in the middle of what he is willing to provide and what you are able to take...and vice versa. You've already established that he does love you, and have feelings and think about things - it's a start.

Neither of you are right or wrong, you are just individuals and learning how to communicate together is probably the hardest part of relationships.

Bumfuzzle

Thanks everyone for the replies. They've been really helpful. I can't quote anyone so will respond individually:

Guessed:

Thanks for your advice and you're right on many things except the intrusion part. I understand how he copes with his personal worries and have always left him to it. I think some people understood that he's not an emotional person from my post when it couldn't be further from the truth - he's very sensitive and very emotional - more emotional than I am and more emotional and sensitive than most people I know. After his dad died, he'd cry silently and he was very clearly sad and I wanted to cheer him up and make it better (we'd been together a year or so at this stage). We live in very close proximity (tiny flat) and it's obvious I'm going to ask him how he is in that time. He used to come silently to me to have a cry and a hug sometimes but didn't say a word. I'm okay with that and for the last four years, I've never tried to push him to talk about personal stuff. That's his way and I absolutely accept that. I've gone through my own loss of a close family relative and talking wasn't my way to deal with that either to be honest. This is not the issue though.

The issue I have is issues we're going through together. We HAVE to communicate verbally because neither of us can read minds. If his vision is not the same as mine, then I need to know so I can make the choice to stay or go and that's the issue for me - he doesn't want to talk about anything like that. I'm living in his country right now and have made a couple of life-changing sacrifices to be with him and I want to know I'm doing the right thing. He's stated he wants children and we discuss names and schooling and all that kind of stuff but the ins and outs of the practicalities of it have never been discussed - just the wants. But you're right, my approach is all wrong - although I verbalise my feelings more than him, I'm actually a quiet person and not a natural communicator; I don't do a good job expressing myself and I need advice on that. You're totally right that I need to change something on that front as it's clearly not working. You suggested I tell him why the future is important for me and I have - many times. I've talked to him calmly, openly and sincerely about this. I've tried every way I can think of but nothing. To be honest, it doesn't come up much (every 6 months or so) as I see it as pointless and nothing fruitful ever comes of it. He's listened and has told me he sees where I'm coming from and he understands and nothing more.

To Neyite and Iusedtoknow:

Excellent advice and very practical but I need to know how to approach it. I've tried every tactic I know and nothing has come of it. Iusedtoknow, I like your idea about finding a way to communicate that suits us both. Any more practical advice on how to approach that?


Helgaward:

You're advice about showing him my post might work but I'd put it in different words, I think. Perhaps writing it down could be the way to go - it's worked with us before.

Anyway, I've a lot to think about. All advice appreciated. Thank you!

Bumfuzzle

Neyite, I was rereading your post and you mentioned you always mention to each other when your "moods" are not related to each other. We don't do that. He's been in a terrible mood lately (he just came in in a stonker) and as always, I try to carry on as normal while he walks around in a silent mood. I have no idea how to approach it so I don't and I often think it's to do with us. I just wish he was even able to tell me he's not angry with me or us. I'm finding this really tough. So much silence recently and I'm not sure what to do.

Mr. Remote Control

Love without devotion can never be true. You can show emotion by the little things you do. Words when kindly spoken can make dreams seem true. But more than words can say, are the little things you do.

A tender touch can mean so much. A card, a letter when away. Each little smile is so worthwhile, to show affection each day. Love can be so tender and always be true. But love must have assurance, by those little things you do.

Sam Cooke.

Neyite

Bumfuzzle wrote: »

Neyite, I was rereading your post and you mentioned you always mention to each other when your "moods" are not related to each other. We don't do that. He's been in a terrible mood lately (he just came in in a stonker) and as always, I try to carry on as normal while he walks around in a silent mood. I have no idea how to approach it so I don't and I often think it's to do with us. I just wish he was even able to tell me he's not angry with me or us. I'm finding this really tough. So much silence recently and I'm not sure what to do.

Its usually approached in a very casual way- if he seems in bad form I'll ask him, if he doesn't mention a reason, I'll probe a bit- was work OK, if he says no, or I'm none the wiser, then I just say something like - OK, as long as its nothing I did and usually he'll elaborate a bit. Then I leave him to it until he wants to talk.

I think though if its a very bad strop like your oh seems in at the moment, then the more direct approach might work better, ask him straight out why he is in a mood. If he stonewalls, then you have to just be clear that he can either talk about it, or take his sulk elsewhere. Or you go elsewhere. But make it clear you don't have to tolerate a fraught atmosphere.

Would counselling to address finding a mutually comfortable way of communication be an idea? Even if you suggest it, it might get across to him how much you find this a problem.