Partner has online "friends".

oneandonlyBill

OK diving into the deep end here.
I'm not someone to discuss my personal problems with everyone but I need to get some input on this.
I am long time married and have a kids.
My wife uses social media a lot and I have found out that she has a number of male chat friends with whom she has long private conversations. Nothing untoward from her side so far in the conversations but one guy makes repeated come-ons and there is a lot of inuendo from his side.
I spoke to her about it a few months ago and made clear that I had an issue with it.
I've now found out that she is still chatting to this guy and has now met up with him while away for work elsewhere in Ireland.
I am fairly sure that nothing has happened, as in they didn't jump in the bed but I this really freaks me out.
Yesterday she was going away on a 1 day business trip and I confronted her over it and was basically told that I "needed to grow up" and stop being so suspicious.
Big row ensued and while she was due back today she just texted that she was staying another day as she couldn't "handle me yet".
I've really had enough and am pretty much freaked out about this.
Am I over reacting?
Opinions please.

Bill.

Littlekittylou

Has she been clear with the man she is married with a child?

oneandonlyBill

Yes she has.

s15r330

If anyone needs to grow up it is her.
If you did the same she'd react exactly the same. Definitely not on what she's doing.
Chatting to a man who clearly wants to get with her and she knows it but continues chatting. That isn't normal behaviour.

Sleepless and Manic

oneandonlyBill wrote: »

I've now found out that she is still chatting to this guy and has now met up with him while away for work elsewhere in Ireland.

This is a massive crossing of lines for me.

If there was nothing to it why didnt she tell you before hand?

:mad:

Littlekittylou

That isn't normal behaviour.

It depends on what the guy actually says. You can't quote what their conversations were.

If you did the same she'd react exactly the same.

How would she react OP?

I am single a while so I am trying to think if my online behavior changes. I have never behaved in a way that has made a BF uncomfortable though. They have always known I am honorable. We would have similar gauges on what's ok.

I have never been married though.

Did she tell you that she was meeting the guy beforehand?


How did you find out about her conversations? What kind of things would he say?

oneandonlyBill

Littlekittylou wrote: »

It depends on what the guy actually says. You can't quote what their conversations were.


How would she react OP?

I am single a while so I am trying to think if my online behavior changes. I have never behaved in a way that has made a BF uncomfortable though. They have always known I am honorable. We would have similar gauges on what's ok.

I have never been married though.

Did she tell you that she was meeting the guy beforehand?


How did you find out about her conversations? What kind of things would he say?

Without posting too much detail online:

1) No she didn't tell me she met him and was meeting him again.
2) I found out because I checked her phone. She was spending an increasing amount of time and as we both use the same social networks but I didn't see her posting anything public I got suspicious.
3) The guy would make repeated compliments about her looks, how it must be easy for her to pick up men, how he had a very high sex drive but had never found a woman who could satisfy that and more suggestive stuff that I am not going to post here.

My main issue is that even after I made clear that it was a huge issue for me she not only continued the chats but actually met up with him in hotels. Allegedly only for a few drinks and because he was good company (her words)...

whiskeyman

I have to ask what your relationship is like with your wife outside of this incident?
are there other issues that this is being heightened by?
This will greatly affect how to deal and react to be honest.

oneandonlyBill

That's a good question.
We have the occasional argument and I might fly of the handle. But I am a forgive and forget kinda guy.
But generally I thought we had an OK kind of relationship.
We work together as we have our own business so we do spend a lot more time in each others hair than the average couple I guess.

dudara

Just a gentle reminder to posters to respect the new guidelines for posting in PI/RI. Please post constructive advice, with consideration.

dudara

Littlekittylou

oneandonlyBill wrote: »

how he had a very high sex drive but had never found a woman who could satisfy that and more suggestive stuff that I am not going to post here.

.

If a guy suggested that to ME I would be snippy and I am single.

I have to ask what your relationship is like with your wife outside of this incident?

I agree is it possible you are unaware of the state of your marriage? Sometimes with kids etc and after being married years people can be unaware.

I think your marriage might benefit from some outside help at this point. A counciller?


It could help you reconnect.

oneandonlyBill

Littlekittylou wrote: »

I agree is it possible you are unaware of the state of your marriage? Sometimes with kids etc and after being married years people can be unaware.

I think your marriage might benefit from some outside help at this point. A counciller?


It could help you reconnect.

Yeah it seems like all is not as rosy as I thought it was.
Have thought about counselling in the last few days but I doubt she'd go for that.
Whenever other people getting marriage counselling came up in previous discussion she always scoffed at the concept.

To be honest at this stage, if it wasn't for the kids I would just walk.

Sleepless and Manic

Its inappropriate. For me this would be serious enough that we would need to have a long talk and she should agree to cut contact with this guy.

If she's meeting a guy, secretly, in a hotel, with whom she has been exchanging "suggestive" messages, its a problem.

You are certainly not over reacting. Its too bad that she's trying to turn it on to you, its a classic defense though.

Littlekittylou

We have the occasional argument and I might fly of the handle. But I am a forgive and forget kinda guy.
But generally I thought we had an OK kind of relationship.

oneandonlyBill wrote: »

To be honest at this stage, if it wasn't for the kids I would just walk.

Huge turn around for you. A lot to take in.

Give yourself a few days before you do anything rash.

Consider outside professional advice like a Councillor even if it's only for you. It will help you to remain objective. You will not question whether you are overly suspicious with an objective adviser. They will help you see things clearly.


It sounds bad. I don't want to alarm you or anything.

Queen-Mise

I'd have no issues with the online friends.
I have a lot of males friends from 20 or so years back that my husband has never met, but he knows they are friends, and I tell him about the events in their lives although he has never met them. I was over at a funeral at the weekend, and met a lot of them (& females too:), not just men), and even stayed in one of their houses Fri/Sat, he really has no issue.

Although there is a massive difference between what's happening in my situation and yours. All these friends are on my profile on FB. My husband sees whatever chatting, posts, slagging, etc. is going on. Although he has no real interest in anything we'd talk about (usually always a tad nerdy & he is anything but).

I'd be concerned, very concerned. I don't think blazing rows is the way to go, because your wife is more likely to become entrenched and then go looking for sympathy/or ranting about you.

From what you have said, I don't think there is anything physical going on yet, but definitely does sound like emotional infidelity.

You need to find a way for your wife to listen to your concerns in a calm way. Fighting and rowing will only exacerbate problems.
Secondly to the above having a discussion in a civilized fashion, might create a situation where you wife will open up more and tell you what is going on, whereas that will never happen in a row.

If you feel that you can't do this talking, then I'd suggest you write down you concerns and how the whole situation is affecting you. I presume it must feel like she is slipping away in front of your eyes, incredibly difficult to watch.

Best of luck, OP.

gsi300024v

Possibly ask what is your wife getting from these chats that she is not getting from you.
If you were fine with all this maybe she wouldn't do it though, it might be a way of getting at you for some reason.
As for the only for the kids thing. I know a a few couples who stay together for the kids and it really is not a clear winner to do this. What kind of marriage are you bringing the kids up in.
As for what would your wife think if you were doing the same thing. I don't see this so much as a something that even matters. Your wife knows you are not ok with this and still does it. And a text to say I'll be staying another night in a hotel with a guy in same hotel who flirts with me a lot, nope I'd not be happy.
If you wanted to be an not so nice person but prove a point, you could tell her sisters or family about it when you are all together. If it's no big deal then it should be ok for others to know about it. But that might just make her more annoyed with you and make her see the guy more to annoy you.

The_Valeyard

I have a good few online friends that I simply chat and play games with. I speak as a married man here. My wife knows what I do. Some of them are ladies. But the conversations would never be romantic or erotic on nature. I would never flirt or chat them up. That would be crossing a line in my opinion. Just like meeting up with someone you flirted with, also crossing a line.

I think she is taking advantage of your passive nature OP. An frank, open and honest conversation is what is needed here. Difficult I'm surer, but I hope it works out for the best and that it's not as sinister as you may think it is.

oneandonlyBill

Thanks people, the comments really help.
It makes me see that I am not over reacting to this (that's her argument).
Am banging my head of the wall here but at least know a bit more what direction to take on this.

gsi300024v

Something to consider, maybe you could look at ways that you could improve the relationship with your actions too.
So say for next month she doesn't talk to anyone and you do whatever it is you could do that she'd like you to try do to improve things, that way it's not all her fault things are bad.
She might be doing it in a not so passive aggressive way to punish you.
Just saying, no one is perfect so there are probably things you could improve on too, so ask her.

dudara

@Dermaroller - please take the time to read the forum charter and the recent forum announcement about posting styles in PI. We ask that posters provide advice in their responses, not just simple one-liner type answers.

dudara

suicide_circus

Wow..ok

OP at absolute BEST this is highly inappropriate and unfair on her part..and at worst shows she has little or no respect for you or your marriage and has almost certainly cheated on you. The fact that she met a man at a hotel when away on business would be enough for many people, myself included, to end the relationship.

If she can't see why you have a problem with this and thinks you need to "grow up" I shudder to think what else she's been up to. Deal breaker for me.

Littlekittylou

She has crossed a line. I think outside help would make her see this. Or admit it.

It's hard to advise you she seems set not to engage with you. Perhaps tell her what you see the future as being if she continues. I mean would you leave etc.