Friend's husband on Tinder

Witchie

Just having a quick flick through Tinder and stumbled on a mate's husband and am freaked out.

This girl and I would be mates through sharing a best friend. We got to know each other quite well over the years and as far as I could see her and her hubby were very happy. I bumped into them while out for dinner recently and they seemed so happy still.

What do I do? Do I tell her? Do I tell our mutual friend and get her to have a word with the hubby as they would be good friends.

Really upset as they have a child and would hate to think he is cheating on her.

Is it common enough that sometimes people have their pictures stolen and used on these dating websites and apps? If they seem happy together with nothing awry that's the first thing that would come to mind for me. It's not as if it's private or anything so if he is on tinder thinking he could get away with it then he must be quite dim..

I'd say it to her while suggesting that surely someone stole his pictures. Then leave them to it

Witchie

Deleted User wrote: »

Is it common enough that sometimes people have their pictures stolen and used on these dating websites and apps? If they seem happy together with nothing awry that's the first thing that would come to mind for me. It's not as if it's private or anything so if he is on tinder thinking he could get away with it then he must be quite dim..

I'd say it to her while suggesting that surely someone stole his pictures. Then leave them to it

One picture I would buy that but 4 with 2 of them being of his daughter, one of which is with his recently deceased mother.

Am shocked.

LucidLife

Would you report it if you saw him on Facebook/viber/skype? Tinder is just a social networking site/app. Surely its not a crime to be social....

gamblitis

Maybe you're jumping to conclusions a bit early.

It is possible that he is cheating, or that someone stole his pictures but there are other possibilities.

Maybe this is something that his wife knows about. He and his wife might be looking for a suitor for adventurous bedroom antics. Probably highly unlikely if he has pictures of his kids on it but maybe his wife does know.

He may have discussed it with her previously, about opening the scope of their marriage, meeting new people, etc. I know a few couples in which both partners are on tinder and it's purely a recreational tool. Maybe he's seeing if he's still "got it" by receiving likes and proceeds no further. His wife probably wants to do it too but may be too embarrassed to try it out for who might see her.

I'd leave well enough alone as there isn't enough substantial proof to make an accusation just yet. Mentioning it to the mutual friend will most definitely get back to his wife in the form of a Chinese whisper and she'll be told he's cheating when it's not necessarily the case.

Just my 2 cents. I really hope it works out for the best and he's not thick enough to think he'd get away with it.

Chucky the tree

LucidLife wrote: »

Would you report it if you saw him on Facebook/viber/skype? Tinder is just a social networking site/app. Surely its not a crime to be social....

Tinder is a dating app.

gamblitis wrote: »

[Mod Note]<Snip> Please don't quote long bodies of text. You only need to quote the relevant bit. Delete the rest![/Mod Note]
I'd leave well enough alone as there isn't enough substantial proof to make an accusation just yet. <Snip>

The OP doesn't have to make an accusation. She can simply say "I saw your husbands photos being used on Tinder." If the the wife knows he using it then it's no big deal and nothing bad can happen.

Grandpa Hassan

How does having a photo on tinder necessarily imply infidelity. I'm in it, have a swipe through occasionally....never net anyone on it and never intend to. My GF is in it too. Just a bit of a laugh really. I really think you are meddling where you shouldn't, and risk making things unnecessarily difficult. I really don't think it's any of your business tbh

bjork

Whatever about putting pictures of himself, he has no business putting pictures of his child on a dating app - or is it to portray himself as a nice caring lad?

I would tell they wife>> "I saw a lovely picture of your child on tinder with your husband"

stargazer 68

Op say nothing. It will only come back to bite you in the a** - trust me. These things never end well for the 'messenger'. Lots of married men use dating sites and with their pics too - I was stunned by that - but having his daughter in it is even riskier!!

amdublin

LucidLife wrote: »

Would you report it if you saw him on Facebook/viber/skype? Tinder is just a social networking site/app. Surely its not a crime to be social....

Tinder is definitely NOT just a social networking site.

Have you seen it or are you on it? It is an app to meet people for dates.

Who knows op though. They could have an open relationship...

I'd say it to her that you saw his pic on it.. But let her deal with it. I.e. no judgement, just the facts.

gamblitis

Chucky the tree wrote: »

The OP doesn't have to make an accusation. She can simply say "I saw your husbands photos being used on Tinder." If the the wife knows he using it then it's no big deal and nothing bad can happen.

Then the OP will be asked if she liked the photos or not, getting her into hot water, if the wife is maybe a jealous person .

If needs be, bring up Tinder in general conversation, "I downloaded tinder recently, have you ever used it?" And see what feedback you get. The story might air itself without anyone having to mention anyone else.

batistuta9

Talk the mutual friend into using tinder and let her decide what to do, she knows the wife best. otherwise mind your own business

Loads of people are on tinder just to be nosy

yes there

LucidLife wrote: »

Would you report it if you saw him on Facebook/viber/skype? Tinder is just a social networking site/app. Surely its not a crime to be social....

Tinder is used for casual dating, thats how I use it and anyone I know or have talked to on it.

ShowMeTheCash

I would send him a message saying "Fancy seeing you on here.... se how he responds."

That being said I do know people with profiles on Tinder not to date but just to be nosy and see who else is on Tinder!

If he is actually cheating then he is an idiot.

Chucky the tree

gamblitis wrote: »

Then the OP will be asked if she liked the photos or not, getting her into hot water, if the wife is maybe a jealous person .

If needs be, bring up Tinder in general conversation, "I downloaded tinder recently, have you ever used it?" And see what feedback you get. The story might air itself without anyone having to mention anyone else.

Then the OP can just say no if she's asked if she liked the photos or not.

bjork

or just say> "the one with your child laughing"

ABajaninCork

Trying to be kind here...

OP - You say the husband's mother has recently died. Grief makes people do some crazy sh1t. Perhaps he's reminded of his own mortality and is using the app to prove he can still pull?

Perhaps he's on there to make new friends - Who knows??

But to me, it's off-key to put a child's picture on a public site, with all the nutjobs there are out there. I wouldn't do it, and I have no kids. For that reason alone, I would have a word with your friend, and maybe she could mention it to the child's mother. His mother's picture? It's off-key, but you can do nothing about it. The idiot - That's another story...

Grandpa Hassan

yes there wrote: »

Tinder is used for casual dating, thats how I use it and anyone I know or have talked to on it.

I know a whole load of people, me included, who just use it to nose around. Curiosity. I've no intention of meeting anyone on it for a date or casual sex

amdublin

Grandpa Hassan wrote: »

I know a whole load of people, me included, who just use it to nose around. Curiosity. I've no intention of meeting anyone on it for a date or casual sex

You've gone to the trouble of uploading your photo to this app to nose at people in your local area who are looking for love/a date/a relationship??

Nowt as strange as folk as they say.

freshpopcorn

Grandpa Hassan wrote: »

I know a whole load of people, me included, who just use it to nose around. Curiosity. I've no intention of meeting anyone on it for a date or casual sex

Actually I've heard of a good few people doing this just to have a nose around.
I joined tinder for a bit. I'm surprised that your the guy dir it because he should knowthe chances of being caught a high enough. It wounds like the photos on it might have synced with his Facebook profile.
I personally wouldn't get involved.

skallywag

amdublin wrote: »

Nowt as strange as folk as they say.

Don't see what's wrong with just having a nose, isn't that the whole point to most social media in the first place? :pac:

athtrasna

Keep out of other people's business. Being blunt but I'm amazed at how many people on threads like this advise people to tell tales. None of us knows what boundaries any couple have set in a relationship or what goes on behind closed doors.

I've been at the receiving end and I didn't appreciate it one bit! I've eyes and ears too, and internet access.. Judge not lest ye be judged

LegacyUser

Grandpa Hassan wrote: »

How does having a photo on tinder necessarily imply infidelity. I'm in it, have a swipe through occasionally....never net anyone on it and never intend to. My GF is in it too. Just a bit of a laugh really. I really think you are meddling where you shouldn't, and risk making things unnecessarily difficult. I really don't think it's any of your business tbh

Is that not a bit cruel to the single people using Tinder who actually use it as a dating app to meet people?!

amdublin

skallywag wrote: »

Don't see what's wrong with just having a nose, isn't that the whole point to most social media in the first place? :pac:

I like a nose on fb as much as the next person
This isn't really "social media" though...its an app to find a mate.

Tokyo

It seems odd to me - creating a tinder account with pics of yourself and the kids, plus yourself and mum, doesn't seem to be the mentality of a guy who is planning on going on a date with his wedding ring in his back pocket - I imagine it would invite a whole lot of unnecessary questions.

How well you know this woman is an important factor here - if you just meet her now and again through your mutual friend, then it's quite possible that the marriage isn't as happy as they make it out to be for public appearances sake - nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. But if you feel that you are close enough to her to say it, then mention it in a non-questioning and non-accusatory way.

"Hey, I was on tinder the last night, and your husband might not be aware, but he has a picture of himself and the kids on his account. Considering the creeps that are on the internet these days, he might want to take it down" would be a nice way of approaching it - it addresses the kids photos issue, and informs the woman that her husband is on tinder, without actually asking any questions or appearing nosey.

Grandpa Hassan

amdublin wrote: »

You've gone to the trouble of uploading your photo to this app to nose at people in your local area who are looking for love/a date/a relationship??

Nowt as strange as folk as they say.

It's hardly any trouble. You hit one button!

amdublin

Grandpa Hassan wrote: »

It's hardly any trouble. You hit one button!

Okays.

Enjoy your time on your dating app!


*someone else did say it's a bit mean on people who are genuinely looking. And I agree with them. But hey if you want your face to be on a dating app when you're not actually wanting to meet someone what I can say or do.... (as well as mean, I do think it's weird! !!!)


But! Back to the op it does potentially mean that the husband is doing the same as this poster ie just "having a nose". Weird imo. ..but not cheating. ...

Witchie

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

I would send him a message saying "Fancy seeing you on here.... se how he responds."

That being said I do know people with profiles on Tinder not to date but just to be nosy and see who else is on Tinder!

If he is actually cheating then he is an idiot.

The thing with Tinder is you can't send messages unless you match and there is no way I am going to "like" him and I really can't see him liking me back, especially if he is being dodgy.

Last time I saw them he seemed a bit shifty when he saw me, but maybe that is just how am seeing it now that I have seen him on tinder.

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Then the OP can just say no if she's asked if she liked the photos or not.

You can't like the pictures or anything unless you match.

mike_ie wrote: »

It seems odd to me - creating a tinder account with pics of yourself and the kids, plus yourself and mum, doesn't seem to be the mentality of a guy who is planning on going on a date with his wedding ring in his back pocket - I imagine it would invite a whole lot of unnecessary questions.

How well you know this woman is an important factor here - if you just meet her now and again through your mutual friend, then it's quite possible that the marriage isn't as happy as they make it out to be for public appearances sake - nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. But if you feel that you are close enough to her to say it, then mention it in a non-questioning and non-accusatory way.

"Hey, I was on tinder the last night, and your husband might not be aware, but he has a picture of himself and the kids on his account. Considering the creeps that are on the internet these days, he might want to take it down" would be a nice way of approaching it - it addresses the kids photos issue, and informs the woman that her husband is on tinder, without actually asking any questions or appearing nosey.

I wouldn't be that close to the girl but would have a laugh with her any time we meet so not sure I could say anything to her myself. Really not comfortable saying anything to our mutual friend at the moment as she has a sick mum and is going through other issues so would hate to put more on her at the moment.

With regard to just being on there for a nosy....would you not just put up a photo of your dog or car or something or a picture of yourself if you wanted to, why put up pictures of your daughter with your mother and your daughter on her own if you were either looking for someone to join you and your wife in the bedroom or were just having a nose.

Lots of guys have pics of them with their wives and will say things like "married man looking for some extra fun" or whatever. He has nothing under his description.

As he works away for long stretches at a time I am now wondering if he has someone else on the go elsewhere or is hoping to.

I don't think I will say anything but just feel bad coz she deserves to know if he is cheating, and if he is not, that he is on tinder where it is quite possible he will cheat at a later date.

cbb1982

Tell the mutual friend - it's sounds very dodgy!

A girl I know was working in UK and when home for Xmas she didn't realise Tinder brought up local members incl her boyfriends friends - her long distance relationship broke up shortly after!!

Phonehead

OK seems there are a hell of a lot of comments from people who don't actually know how the app works - people talking about uploading photos etc!

Tinder works by you just clicking the facebook sign up, that is all! no uploading photos, Tinder just then selects your 4 or 5 most recent facebook profile pics.

I'm happily in a relationship of 13 years and I have an account, myself and my wife set ours up at the same time only a few months ago while out with friends who are all single and were discussing it (haven't been near the app since but I assume I'm still there on Tinder). Frankly OP you could very easily be making a huge issue out of nothing, he didn't upload his daughters picture it was generated by the app - plus on a dating site if he was actually looking for someone! such pictures would most likely red flag that he's in a relationship.

ThunbergsAreGo

I don't think there is much work involved setting up an account. Maybe he just wanted to see what the fuss was about. Is just a laugh

Was on a weekend away recently and 90 percent of the lads were swiping away

cbb1982

Don't think it is harmless fun if married with kids...

bjork

If it's just a social app or he just signed up for the laugh, what's the big taboo saying he is on it? If it is social, the aim of it would be to meet local people and therefore there should be no problem if the OP likes him on it or whatever, as that would be it's purpose and there'd be no taboo


People can't put things in the public domain and then expect others not to notice

If she already knows, there should be no problem with the OP mentioning it. Sure if he signed up for the laugh, isn't that the laugh he was looking for?

OP, If you're not that close with her, I wouldn't go out of my way to either tell her, or to hide it> He's not

Kathy22

Did the profile match his name and personaity? The images could have been stolen from his FB page and adding in family shots makes the account more believable. A friend of mine had her photos stolen from Facebook and used as profile pictures on a random account on Tinder. She was disgusted and once a few of her friends helped her to report it it was deleted.

Just saying, it does happen. If it is him, maybe he is curious to know what it is although strange to use images. There could be a viable excuse, just don't jump to conclusions especially when a family and marriage is involved.

LucidLife

amdublin wrote: »

Tinder is definitely NOT just a social networking site.

Have you seen it or are you on it? It is an app to meet people for dates.

Who knows op though. They could have an open relationship...

I'd say it to her that you saw his pic on it.. But let her deal with it. I.e. no judgement, just the facts.

It's NOT not a social networking site....

Witchie

Phonehead wrote: »

OK seems there are a hell of a lot of comments from people who don't actually know how the app works - people talking about uploading photos etc!

Tinder works by you just clicking the facebook sign up, that is all! no uploading photos, Tinder just then selects your 4 or 5 most recent facebook profile pics.

You are wrong there. Yes you can click facebook to link to your account but you have full control over the photos that go up. If it does take a photo it takes your recent profile one but you can change that easily.

Yes the name matched the photos, and his age. Also the fact that it is linked through his fb page which has shown up that we have an interest in common and just checked his FB page and only 2 of the photos have been his recent profile pics.

yes there

Grandpa Hassan wrote: »

How does having a photo on tinder necessarily imply infidelity. I'm in it, have a swipe through occasionally....never net anyone on it and never intend to. My GF is in it too. Just a bit of a laugh really. I really think you are meddling where you shouldn't, and risk making things unnecessarily difficult. I really don't think it's any of your business tbh

Says the person that has signed up and uses a dating app just to be nosey.

Phonehead

Witchie wrote: »

You are wrong there. Yes you can click facebook to link to your account but you have full control over the photos that go up. If it does take a photo it takes your recent profile one but you can change that easily.

Yes the name matched the photos, and his age. Also the fact that it is linked through his fb page which has shown up that we have an interest in common and just checked his FB page and only 2 of the photos have been his recent profile pics.

Well then tell the friend and see what she says, I'm not sure what speculating on here is worth to you. I was just highlighting that tinder isn't signing up to a dating agency and the reason behind him being on it might be something as innocent as why I signed up. With that in mind you have reminded me to delete my account for fear of people I know having a dilemma like you are having.

yes there

LucidLife wrote: »

It's NOT not a social networking site....

Its not a site, it's an app actually. Primarily used for quick no strings hook ups. More girls are looking for something more serious on it though from my experience. Don't know anyone sad enough to use it to be social / make friends.

seamus

yes there wrote: »

Its not a site, it's an app actually. Primarily used for quick no strings hook ups. More girls are looking for something more serious on it though from my experience. Don't know anyone sad enough to use it to be social / make friends.

Yeah, but you give people too much credit. The technical ineptitude of most people is terrifying.

This guy could have heard people talking about Tindr, how great it is. So he downloads the app and assumes it's a bit like facebook.

My understanding of these apps is that the first thing they do is ask you to set up a profile - answer a few questions and upload some pictures. So when he's asked to upload photos to it he sticks up pictures of his kids and his deceased Mum, because that's what you do on facebook.

Then he has a poke around the app, realises what it is, and closes it, without removing his profile.

6 months later someone else stumbles on his profile and thinks he's cheating.

yes there

yes there wrote: »

Says the person that has signed up and uses a dating app just to be nosey.

Take it easy please

Witchie

seamus wrote: »

Yeah, but you give people too much credit. The technical ineptitude of most people is terrifying.

This guy could have heard people talking about Tindr, how great it is. So he downloads the app and assumes it's a bit like facebook.

My understanding of these apps is that the first thing they do is ask you to set up a profile - answer a few questions and upload some pictures. So when he's asked to upload photos to it he sticks up pictures of his kids and his deceased Mum, because that's what you do on facebook.

Then he has a poke around the app, realises what it is, and closes it, without removing his profile.

6 months later someone else stumbles on his profile and thinks he's cheating.

Thats what I hope happened. Just got a shock and was upset to think he could possibly be doing something he shouldn't be and didn't know if should say anything.

cactusgal

seamus wrote: »

Yeah, but you give people too much credit. The technical ineptitude of most people is terrifying.

This guy could have heard people talking about Tindr, how great it is. So he downloads the app and assumes it's a bit like facebook.

My understanding of these apps is that the first thing they do is ask you to set up a profile - answer a few questions and upload some pictures. So when he's asked to upload photos to it he sticks up pictures of his kids and his deceased Mum, because that's what you do on facebook.

Then he has a poke around the app, realises what it is, and closes it, without removing his profile.

6 months later someone else stumbles on his profile and thinks he's cheating.

That sounds pretty far-fetched to me, sorry. Would a grown adult who's able to use a computer really be that thick?

I went and had a look for screenshots of it
I thought seamus' post sounded reasonable but the screenshot in this site leaves little room for doubt

http://www.pcadvisor.co.uk/features/internet/3515013/what-is-tinder-faq/


But on the other hand, this says it makes your profile just by pulling your facebook info

How does this Tinder app work then?

It's really very simple and easy. It finds your location using GPS, then uses your Facebook information to create your profile (don't worry, nothing about Tinder will ever be posted to Facebook). A Tinder profile is made up only of your first name, age, photos (of your choice) and any pages you've 'liked' on Facebook.

Tinder then finds you potential matches near you (you can narrow it down by searching by age and distance) and if they take your fancy, you swipe right to 'like' them. If not, go left to 'pass'. If they’ve also 'liked' you – bingo. It’s a match and you can start messaging.


Read more at http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/blogs/543941/tinder-the-online-dating-app-that-everyone-s-talking-about.html#dWQ1Pzk8rXXexoOW.99

So if he just downloaded it out of curiosity, it could have made a profile without him doing anything or necessarily being interested. And the fact his kid and deceased mum are in the pics speaks for that. I can't imagine anyone thinking that would be a good way of picking up women

power pants

yes there wrote: »

Its not a site, it's an app actually. Primarily used for quick no strings hook ups. More girls are looking for something more serious on it though from my experience. Don't know anyone sad enough to use it to be social / make friends.

most of the brazilians use it to improve their english

most women want to meet their soulmate

most guys use it for something else

doesnt mean all people are using it for the above. Some use it purely to see how is on in from their area (who they recognise) etc

seamus

cactusgal wrote: »

That sounds pretty far-fetched to me, sorry. Would a grown adult who's able to use a computer really be that thick?

You've clearly never had the pleasure of working in IT.

The vast majority of grown adults barely have a clue what they're doing when they go online.

yes there

power pants wrote: »

most of the brazilians use it to improve their english

most women want to meet their soulmate

most guys use it for something else

doesnt mean all people are using it for the above. Some use it purely to see how is on in from their area (who they recognise) etc

Maybe you should start using it to improve your own English.

batistuta9

seamus wrote: »

Yeah, but you give people too much credit. The technical ineptitude of most people is terrifying.

This guy could have heard people talking about Tindr, how great it is. So he downloads the app and assumes it's a bit like facebook.

My understanding of these apps is that the first thing they do is ask you to set up a profile - answer a few questions and upload some pictures. So when he's asked to upload photos to it he sticks up pictures of his kids and his deceased Mum, because that's what you do on facebook.

Then he has a poke around the app, realises what it is, and closes it, without removing his profile.

6 months later someone else stumbles on his profile and thinks he's cheating.

bluewolf wrote: »

I went and had a look for screenshots of it
I thought seamus' post sounded reasonable but the screenshot in this site leaves little room for doubt

http://www.pcadvisor.co.uk/features/internet/3515013/what-is-tinder-faq/


But on the other hand, this says it makes your profile just by pulling your facebook info


So if he just downloaded it out of curiosity, it could have made a profile without him doing anything or necessarily being interested. And the fact his kid and deceased mum are in the pics speaks for that. I can't imagine anyone thinking that would be a good way of picking up women

you need facebook to use tinder, no other way to use it. you log in with your FB details.
the app pulls in;
your first name
age (even if you hide your age in FB)
profile photos - you can change these, reorder, delete them from appearing on tinder or add photos from other FB albums

that's its. you can fill in an about me section if you want, 500 words.
it shows friends & interests you've in common with others when you are swiping (or view their profile) how far away they are & when last online if you look at their profile

it wouldn't have made a profile without him doing it. the photos are there because they were his profile pics or else he added them from another FB album


anyway it's none of the OPs business, stay out of it. or if you really must poke your nose in get the mutual friend to go on tinder & let her decide what to do, like i said earlier.

Witchie

batistuta9 wrote: »

or if you really must poke your nose in get the mutual friend to go on tinder & let her decide what to do, like i said earlier.

Am not going to make a newly married friend create a tinder profile.

batistuta9

Witchie wrote: »

Am not going to make a newly married friend create a tinder profile.

this is the mutual friend, yeah?

well i'd go through her anyway if you can't leave it. mention it to her some way, as she knows the other woman better.

if she's married too, maybe make a joke some night you both have a few, about them swinging with the other couple as you saw X on tinder.

you don't know how this will work out for you, i'd be wary about mentioning it tbh

Witchie

I think I will keep stum but will have a snoop around and see if he is other sites and if he is then I will know its not a fluke and might say something then. I just feel so bad for the wife if he is cheating. She deserves so much better.