More than friends?

LegacyUser

Hi guys, long time lurker, first time poster. I just need an outside opinion on this because I can't really talk about it to anybody.. Apologies for the clichés in this post.

A few months ago I started seeing a girl, after a long time being single. I enjoyed being with her, but I stopped seeing her as we are too different, as she got quite clingy+ emotional after a really short time.

I've been close friends with a different girl, (let's call her Elaine) for 7+ years, and recently she told me (drunkenly) that she likes me. Only problem is that she has a boyfriend... I've been attracted to her for years but never made a move, as I really didn't want to interfere with her relationships.

So anyway, Elaine and I met up and she told me again that she likes me and I told her the feeling was mutual. She's going to see her boyfriend again (he lives in Cork, she lives in Meath) next week and I really don't know what's going to happen. She told me that she doesn't feel the same way about him any more but is confused about her feelings towards me.

My looming questions are:
- Did she only say she liked me because she saw that I had been seeing the other girl?

- Should I even be considering chasing this girl? I mean, who's to say she won't just do the same with me (go after another guy while in a relationship) if I ended up going out with her?

- Can our friendship ever be the same if we do end up together? She told me that was one of her biggest concerns..

Thanks,
P

honey79

Seeing you with someone else may have given her the kick in the arse she needed to do something about her feelings for you

Your friendship will never be the same again either way now that you have both said how you feel you can not take back the words

as yet she has not done anything wrong ,but I would question anyone that can just walk away from a relationship and straight into another one if she breaks up with her boyfriend give her a bit of time to sort her feelings out you don't want to be the rebound guy

But while she is with this other person do not have any further conversations about how you feel and let her lead you on while dating someone else

Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi honey79, thanks for your reply.

Thats my biggest concern. I don't want to be her rebound, especially because I've been interested in her for such a long time. .

I haven't had any conversations with her since. How long should I wait? I just really don't know how to approach it as it is a very delicate matter.

She isn't a bad person and she wouldn't lead me on.. I am both very nervous and very excited.. I never thought I'd have a chance with her and I want to approach this the best way possible, you know?

Thanks,
P

strobe

Well you live sooo much closer than her current boyfriend (what convenience), the guy she is with, she's getting naked with on a regular basis and telling him she loves him, while she is feeling you out for a seamless boyfriend transition so she doesn't have to be single for a slice of a second. So my gut instinct tells me total marriage material.

(I'm never quite sure if sarcasm comes across well on screen).

No man. Unless you are 100% sure she's the one in 3.5 billion girl for you, then give yourself a hard slap in the face and find someone else.

Look let her break up with him if that's what she wants to do, and if she's that mad about you she'll still be single in 6 months and then maybe you two can get something going on.

The_Valeyard

I would be bit wary of her jumping from one relationship right into another. But it's your life OP, if that's what you want to do and feel it could work, take the plunge

December2012

Of course your friendship will change. That's a guarantee when you tell each other there are more feelings involved.

And you want it to change. Or else you wouldn't have told her about your feelings.

Don't be down on this and overthinking it before it has even begun.

gsi300024v

strobe wrote: »

Well you live sooo much closer than her current boyfriend (what convenience), the guy she is with, she's getting naked with on a regular basis and telling him she loves him, while she is feeling you out for a seamless boyfriend transition so she doesn't have to be single for a slice of a second. So my gut instinct tells me total marriage material.

(I'm never quite sure if sarcasm comes across well on screen).

No man. Unless you are 100% sure she's the one in 3.5 billion girl for you, then give yourself a hard slap in the face and find someone else.

Look let her break up with him if that's what she wants to do, and if she's that mad about you she'll still be single in 6 months and then maybe you two can get something going on.

You'd make a great spin doctor! Talk about loaded language, sometimes you don't know you want a new car until you see another car you like.
I've a good friend, really nice guy, he was a bit the same as you OP, but he was in a relationship maybe 5 years. He like a girl a long time but she had a bf, the girl came home single from travelling after breaking up with her long term bf, they'd known each other a long time. My mate broke up with his gf and started seeing this other girl, who is now his wife and mother of his first child.
Can you really do as other poster said and leave it 6 months and see if she still single. I'd have to say go for it if she breaks up with him. Life is for adventure!! Why wait.
Yes she could do the same with you in 3 years time, but you could do they same to her in a month. There are no guarantees, that's half the fun and maybe why relationships can work. You know they can leave at any time so you put in the effort so they don't.
If you wanted to be boring you could try this way of deciding to go for it our not...........

Six distinct directions are identified and assigned a color. The six directions are:

Managing Blue - what is the subject? what are we thinking about? what is the goal?

Information White - considering purely what information is available, what are the facts?

Emotions Red - intuitive or instinctive gut reactions or statements of emotional feeling (but not any justification)

Discernment Black - logic applied to identifying reasons to be cautious and conservative

Optimistic response Yellow - logic applied to identifying benefits, seeking harmony

Creativity Green - statements of provocation and investigation, seeing where a thought goes

strobe

gsi300024v wrote: »

You'd make a great spin doctor! Talk about loaded language, sometimes you don't know you want a new car until you see another car you like.
I've a good friend, really nice guy, he was a bit the same as you OP, but he was in a relationship maybe 5 years. He like a girl a long time but she had a bf, the girl came home single from travelling after breaking up with her long term bf, they'd known each other a long time. My mate broke up with his gf and started seeing this other girl, who is now his wife and mother of his first child.
Can you really do as other poster said and leave it 6 months and see if she still single. I'd have to say go for it if she breaks up with him. Life is for adventure!! Why wait.
Yes she could do the same with you in 3 years time, but you could do they same to her in a month. There are no guarantees, that's half the fun and maybe why relationships can work. You know they can leave at any time so you put in the effort so they don't.
If you wanted to be boring you could try this way of deciding to go for it our not...........

Six distinct directions are identified and assigned a color. The six directions are:

Managing Blue - what is the subject? what are we thinking about? what is the goal?

Information White - considering purely what information is available, what are the facts?

Emotions Red - intuitive or instinctive gut reactions or statements of emotional feeling (but not any justification)

Discernment Black - logic applied to identifying reasons to be cautious and conservative

Optimistic response Yellow - logic applied to identifying benefits, seeking harmony

Creativity Green - statements of provocation and investigation, seeing where a thought goes

Ah here. She's pursuing another guy while in a relationship. She's stopping as short as you possibly can from cheating on him, while he sits at home oblivious.

It's cool things worked out for your mate. Delighted. I know a lad that cheated relentlessly on his girlfriend (and all previous girlfriends come to think of it) she finally copped on to him and he shacked up with one of the other girls he had on the go. Low and behold they actually made a go of it together. He completely cleaned up his act as far as any of us could tell. Living together now, two kids, still going strong. Weird sh1t like that happens. Still quite unlikely that a guy that's cheating on his girlfriend with you is going to for some reason start being faithful with you if he dumps her and gets with you.

Well look OP. You know her seven years. You should know her pretty well by now so let that inform your decision here. But there's no getting away from the fact that what she's doing with your man (using him as a place holder while chasing other guys and trying to line up a relationship with them while in a relationship with him) is quite scummy. Up to you if you want to look past that. Personally I'd be quite wary of trying to make a go of anything other than a bit of fun in the sack with a girl that does this crossover relationship stuff, lining up the next before the previous finishes. I've just very little respect for anyone that strings someone along in a relationship, staying with them out of convenience until something better comes along. It's using someone in the worst possible way.
But maybe this is a once off? Has she previous form for this? Out of one relationship and right into another?

Best of luck.

gsi300024v

She's not chasing other guys, or at least you don't know she is so why say so? She is also not cheating on anyone either. What is she supposed to do, break up with bf, wait 3 months when she and friend want to see if things work or not, and then if both still single and have resisted seeing how things might be, then go on a date?,He's one guy she's known for 7 years, so she knows him very well, it's not some guy she meet in a bar that she's wondering should I shouldn't I. Yes she's stopped short of cheating, but it's like someone holding a gun has only barely stopped short of murder by not pulling the trigger. Maybe she's decided to be brave and see if he has feelings for her too.
rhetoric- the undue use of exaggeration !
There are couples that break up on a wedding day, it forces them to look at the situation in a the issue is really forced on them. So yes she might have been thinking she was happy with current bf, but then this all crops up and she has to re look at it all. Is that so bad?
OP, you know her 7 years, is she the cheating type? Is she the jump from relationship to relationship type? In saying that, my mate who is married was like that.

strobe

gsi300024v wrote: »

She's not chasing other guys, or at least you don't know she is so why say so? She is also not cheating on anyone either. What is she supposed to do, break up with bf, wait 3 months when she and friend want to see if things work or not, and then if both still single and have resisted seeing how things might be, then go on a date?,He's one guy she's known for 7 years, so she knows him very well, it's not some guy she meet in a bar that she's wondering should I shouldn't I. Yes she's stopped short of cheating, but it's like someone holding a gun has only barely stopped short of murder by not pulling the trigger. Maybe she's decided to be brave and see if he has feelings for her too.
rhetoric- the undue use of exaggeration !
There are couples that break up on a wedding day, it forces them to look at the situation in a the issue is really forced on them. So yes she might have been thinking she was happy with current bf, but then this all crops up and she has to re look at it all. Is that so bad?
OP, you know her 7 years, is she the cheating type? Is she the jump from relationship to relationship type? In saying that, my mate who is married was like that.

The fact that the OP says in seven years of knowing her he didn't have any window of opportunity as he didn't want to interfere in her relationships, so no significant single period, in seven years, suggests she either jumps into a relationship with anyone or she drags out current relationships while looking for a new one while the current partner is unaware.

But sure we're both just making educated guesses. OP has our opinions so I'll leave it there.

retro:electro

I can guarantee you once she goes go visit her boyfriend things with them will be all rosy again and she'll act like nothing ever happened with you. She's not getting any attention while her boyfriend is away, you probably gave it to her for a while as she prob sensed you were interested. She saw you with someone else and didn't like it, now she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
She'll visit her boyfriend and get the attention she needs and you will be out of the picture. Sad I know but it's how girls like her work. I can spot it a mile off.
Move on and find someone who is unattached.

gsi300024v

strobe wrote: »

The fact that the OP says in seven years of knowing her he didn't have any window of opportunity as he didn't want to interfere in her relationships, so no significant single period, in seven years, suggests she either jumps into a relationship with anyone or she drags out current relationships while looking for a new one while the current partner is unaware.

But sure we're both just making educated guesses. OP has our opinions so I'll leave it there.

He may have been in a relationship or away himself when she was single. I would agree it's probably not the best way to jump from one to the other, not perfect, but sure lots do it, and who's perfect. I would have thought with 7 years knowledge of this woman he'd know if he wants to give it a go or not.
I'd probably say I'd like to give it a go but wouldn't get into anything until she has ended it with other. My friend who did it I thought about if that was me, I've broken up with girls in the past, next really a bit fight, just not working out, so while we split, I still really missed them, I'd find it hard to miss someone and start new relationship same time, but maybe new one distracts from missing old one?
I know I'd a date with a girl who'd been with a guy 1 year and now 10 days later she was on a date with me, but hey it was a 2nd date only so why not, you might want to go have some dates and fun when newly single, fact she wanted me to move in after 10 days, that was the I'm out of here point.

strobe

gsi300024v wrote: »

He may have been in a relationship or away himself when she was single. I would agree it's probably not the best way to jump from one to the other, not perfect, but sure lots do it, and who's perfect. I would have thought with 7 years knowledge of this woman he'd know if he wants to give it a go or not.
I'd probably say I'd like to give it a go but wouldn't get into anything until she has ended it with other. My friend who did it I thought about if that was me, I've broken up with girls in the past, next really a bit fight, just not working out, so while we split, I still really missed them, I'd find it hard to miss someone and start new relationship same time, but maybe new one distracts from missing old one?
I know I'd a date with a girl who'd been with a guy 1 year and now 10 days later she was on a date with me, but hey it was a 2nd date only so why not, you might want to go have some dates and fun when newly single, fact she wanted me to move in after 10 days, that was the I'm out of here point.

He gave the reason in the OP. She was always in relationships and he didn't want to interfere. The fact is, she is in a relationship where she's doesn't want to be with the guy, as she said "she doesn't feel the same about him" and rather than do the right thing and let him know she doesn't feel that way about him, the relationship is going no where, and leave him off to go find someone else, she is saying nothing, continuing in the relationship as long as it's convenient to, and pursuing the OP. More than likely were the OP to say he is not interested, she will continue in the relationship until someone else comes along she likes and she pursues him, as that's what she's been doing.
So I think the OP needs to take into consideration, how he would feel where he that guy, were his girlfriend to be out pursuing someone else, while playing happy families with him, rather than being honest with him.

But we're clearly not going to agree and are just repeating ourselves here. So really leaving it there this time. :pac:

gsi300024v

Last word.............................word! Sorry couldn't resist.

gsi300024v

I just think you are reading too much into it all, the bf may no there is an end on the way too. Like were do you end a relationship? Surely many could look back and say we should have split earlier. She may want to split but can't face it, it can be hard to do.
I just think from the info you are painting her very negatively.
If op wanted to be very nice, he might have said nothing about liking her at all, not until he saw her single again without the carrot of him waiting for her. Can you not like more then one person at a time?
There must be people we bump into in the course of a day that we think what if about while we are in a relationship?

honey79

headwrecked888 wrote: »

Hi honey79, thanks for your reply.

Thats my biggest concern. I don't want to be her rebound, especially because I've been interested in her for such a long time. .

I haven't had any conversations with her since. How long should I wait? I just really don't know how to approach it as it is a very delicate matter.

She isn't a bad person and she wouldn't lead me on.. I am both very nervous and very excited.. I never thought I'd have a chance with her and I want to approach this the best way possible, you know?

Thanks,
P

till you know for sure she is single , if you have had feelings for her for a long time there no going away anytime soon so just relax and you'll know when it's right

Idle Passerby

I would be very wary of someone who pursues another while still in a relationship. Its not a healthy way to conduct things. It may hint at commitment phobia or a tendency to run away from problems rather than dealing with them head on.

Its not a great sign that she put out the feelers to make sure you were interested before breaking up with her current boyfriend. She's making sure she has a safety net, which is insincere and calculated.

If she wants out of her relationship, her boyfriend should be the one she speaks to, not the guy she has lined up to take his place. Just bear these behaviours in mind because they are more than likely how she operates in other aspects of her life too.

gsi300024v

No one is perfect either. Will it work out with her? Who knows, will she even break up with her bf, who knows.
If we all didn't do anything unless we did it perfectly we do not a lot.
She might have wondered what if about you for years but never voiced it until now.

gsi300024v

Also, say you do end up giving things a go and you last 4 months, at least you gave it a go rather than spending another few yrs wondering. And would it be so bad so try and fail? I've tried 4 times with people and we broke up, I don't regret any of it.