Telling lovers husband she cheated

LegacyUser

So here is the short version.
Was seeing a girl I worked with for nearly 3 years fell madly in love with her.
She was married with two kids (one from this guy).
Found out she cheated on me with someone else but we still tried trust was gone so it ended badly tried to be friends but she still lied even about little stupid things.

Now I feel so bad for the husband I would like him to know that the girl he sleeps beside every night sleeps around.
I genuinely feel so sorry for him he goes off to their home country building their house for two weeks every year while she treats him like **** I spoke to a few people about this and everyone said they would rather know at least it would give him a chance to meet someone who respects him.
Please leave the judgemental posts for some other time I know full well what I done was wrong at the start she said the marriage was over then the excuses started and I was led on a merry dance. The latest one was if he doesn't know she cheated then he is an idiot. to that I felt even worse knowing this guy slaves so long to keep a roof over this bi**hes head
If he knew he could at least have a new start.
Should I contact him and tell him?

Big Bag of Chips

So, you weren't all that worried about him when she was cheating on him with you for 3 years, but since she cheated on you, you think he deserves to know? So, really you're just telling him to get back at her. You're not telling him because you feel sorry for him. If you felt sorry for him you wouldn't have had an affair with her for 3 years.

I have a feeling you'll do what you think you should do, but don't insult the man further by trying to claim you're doing it for his sake.

mada82

Sounds like revenge to me. You didn't care when it was you who was seeing her behind his back.

I hope you get what you deserve.

I always laugh at people who get with cheaters and are suprised when they cheat.

lollsangel

Sounds like sour grapes op. Should he know she cheats yeah. Should it be you who says it no!

You weren't thinking if him when you were having it off with her, ask yourself why you care now?

Meauldsegosha

You don't feel genuinely sorry for him. You only want to tell him because your "girlfriend" cheated on you and you want to get back at her.

Your whole post screams out revenge. You didn't care about this man for three years so forget about him now.

jelenka

So now you feel bad for the husband?! What were you thinking when you were with his wife for 3 years? Did you feel sorry then? No, you didn't, and you don't now. All you are looking for is revenge because she cheated on you. Stay out of this and find someone single, it's none of your business to tell him.

Macavity.

No, don't say anything.

Chances are he already knows, tbh.

Stavro Mueller

You do realise that if he's told, there's the chance he'll find out about you? Your "girlfriend" might decide to drag you down with her if she thinks you were the one who spilled the beans.

DUB0207-old

The woman has 2 children by 2 man, is luckly to be married and has no respect for others (hence the fling with you). She didn't cheat on you btw... So far she cheated on her husband 2x that u know about. How on earth do give this c*** your time and day? Seriously!!!

The amount of women posting on 'tired of being single' thread and this one gets away like that... makes me so angry! The world is full of decent people, move on!

blatantrereg

I think discussing what the right thing to do is would just indulge your jarring hypocrisy. It's glaringly obvious that you're trying to strike out because you feel chumped. Instead discuss your real issues: Do you dare to do this, and how will people see you if you do?

Other people with that same sniggering-behind-their-hand attitude of joyful hypocrisy might not think badly of you. They might delight in the notion of the drama and pain you are talking about invoking. Likewise the woman might secretly enjoy the drama and humiliation of her husband, rather than feel taken down a peg. However honest people will acknoweldge it to be just petty revenge.

Let's not pretend you care whether it would help the man. We'll be honest and talk about how it might effect you: There's a small chance he might not be so deflated as you probably imagine, and in fact retaliate against you.

December2012

If you tell him, that's up to you.

But don't cod him or yourself that you're doing anything altruistic.

KomradeBishop

He deserves to know so that he doesn't have to waste any more of his time with her, so tell him - but don't kid yourself: You're telling him for the wrong reasons (that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell him though).

LegacyUser

op,, you are a decent and considerate man. If I were you I would tell her husband this:
'Listen, your wife is cheating on us!'

Have a great day!

Saralee4

sounds like your trying to edge your way back in. Your obviously not over her because when you are over someone, you don't really think about them that much, you just don't want anything to do with them.

Maybe she did hurt you but its none of your business now about her and her husband. It sounds to me like a desperate attempt to have some/any form of contact with her even if its negative.

You want to show her how much she hurt you, but you will not achieve anything by telling her husband. She will not become the person you want her to be because you tell her husband. She will not suddenly realise that she has been wrong. She just wasn't for you and you have to accept that and move on with your own life.

mylittlepony

What if he is building this house back in their home country as HIS back up plan when he leaves her or bring her back fresh start.

Why so bitter just cos you got a taste of your medicine - once a cheater always a cheater.
You should be relived , run away from this mess and heartache that you alone created and learn from it. You were perfectly free she wasn't .

Do you really want to be hubby no 2 with her two kids & 2 daddies?
Maybe husband already knows and maybe the last few years the rose tinted glasses have fallen and kick started the new house building abroad either to break free or make a fresh start.
Is this really worth the fallout?

if he left her do you really want to pick the pieces.
She already cheated on you she doesn't care about you do you really want her back (she doesnt) or just hurt her back?
Is it worth ruining your reputation?
Either way its worthless.
Or you just want revenge without consequences.
She would be out for your blood.
Or not it could be the excuse she wanted maybe she been cheating all along to force him to dump her but he would never give her up. Unless she had her own money family friends to support her place to stay etc to walk but has never tried obviously she dosent have a back up plan.

No one have stood up to her and told him yet.
Is that you?
So it could be a no win situation a nightmare merry go around ride. Do you really wanna get on it?

Dont make a fool of yourself.
Be the better man. just walk away.
Respect yourself.

LegacyUser

Just to point out a few things
The house is hers she pays for it he does the work.
She cheated on me over a year ago we tried for a year after to make things work.
And at the start I was concerned about the husband I do have some morals. but I was fed the usual lies (its over he sleeps in the other room etc Im only there because the kids I cant afford it if he leaves) on and on.

Maybe I am doing this for all the wrong reasons I don't know but I do feel so bad for this guy. and the kids as well what will happen with them. That's why I haven't done it yet.

Big Bag of Chips

So, if you during the year you did make it work would you still feel sorry for him and want to tell him?

You found out she "cheated" on you. You tried to make it work. It didn't. Maybe her husband knows she's cheating on him and is choosing instead to continue to make it work.

He might have his own girlfriend!

Just walk away from her. You don't care about her husband, and you don't care about her children.

Yurt2

I'd imagine the husband already knows he's married to a destructive serial cheater. You can pull the trigger on telling him, but it's only satisfying your needs and not the greater good. Lick your wounds and make sure you get with someone with a semblance of morals the next time.

mada82

Tellhim wrote: »

Maybe I am doing this for all the wrong reasons I don't know but I do feel so bad for this guy. and the kids as well what will happen with them. That's why I haven't done it yet.

Haha that's brilliant. You didn't feel sorry for him for the three years you were seeing her. You're a joker.

TheBeardedLady

Pathetic. That's all I can say about that tbh. Move on, OP.

SterlingArcher

I would think carefully About what you are going to do.

If this guy is depressed suffering this womans torment. he may be a podwer keg ready to explode , Your act of deluded heroism could result in him blowing up in your face.

you think you're safe lighting this fuse from afar.I presume this woman knows where you live, work. Kaboom.

ABajaninCork

You feel bad for the husband, and you'd like him to know he's married to a slapper (allegedly)? But it's not out of revenge. OK sweetie, I can see that one flying...

If I were you, I'd leave well alone. Never get in man and woman business as we say in the West Indies. It'll only blow up in your face. Personally, I feel sorry for neither. They're grown folks and must know what they're doing. It's the kids I feel sorry for. Given her (alleged) history, can the husband even be sure that the child is his? I wouldn't even like to IMAGINE his torment if that thought crossed his mind. I'm thinking it already has, and is adding to the poor man's problems.

Just jog on.

Yurt2

ABajaninCork wrote: »

You feel bad for the husband, and you'd like him to know he's married to a slapper (allegedly)? But it's not out of revenge. OK sweetie, I can see that one flying...

If I were you, I'd leave well alone. Never get in man and woman business as we say in the West Indies. It'll only blow up in your face. Personally, I feel sorry for neither. They're grown folks and must know what they're doing. It's the kids I feel sorry for. Given her (alleged) history, can the husband even be sure that the child is his? I wouldn't even like to IMAGINE his torment if that thought crossed his mind. I'm thinking it already has, and is adding to the poor man's problems.

What's alleged about her behavior? Do we have any reason to doubt what the OP is saying?

ABajaninCork

Yurt! wrote: »

What's alleged about her behavior? Do we have any reason to doubt what the OP is saying?

The reason why I say allegedly, is that we have only one side. The side of revenge, no matter how he tries to dress it up. I have no reason to doubt the veracity of the OP's story. But I doubt his reasoning.

Yurt2

ABajaninCork wrote: »

The reason why I say allegedly, is that we have only one side. The side of revenge, no matter how he tries to dress it up. I have no reason to doubt the veracity of the OP's story. But I doubt his reasoning.

All posts in Personal Issues are from the perspective of the poster. It's an anonymous forum and the OP is not identifiable, and thus has little reason to dress up his story for the benefit of perfect strangers. If there is no reason to doubt the OP then there is no need for the addendum of 'alleged' to the woman's behavior.

December2012

How exactly were you "going to make it work"?

What's your end game?

ABajaninCork

OP -You already know she cheated on her husband with you. And with others.

So you know. The same way you get with someone, it'll be the same way they leave you. Think about it...

LegacyUser

OP: just walk away. Do not tell her husband, just walk away. All you are out to do is seek some sort of ill placed revenge on her. If you really want revenge, then cut her out of your life entirely, and work on being content in your own life. There is really no need to delve into the depths, just walk away.

Stavro Mueller

I think you'd be better off thinking about how the hell you ended up in this position in the first place. You chose to have an affair with this woman even though she was a colleague and you knew was married with two kids. Maybe she told you porkie pies at the start but you did waste nearly three years of your life on something that was going nowhere. I mean, the penny must've dropped with you that she was never going to leave her husband. Not to mention taking on her two kids. I laughed out loud when I got to the bit in your original post where you mentioned her cheating on you. Methinks your moral compass is somewhat misaligned.

I think you've done enough for now and you'd be better off staying out of this. You didn't say - are you still working with her? Telling hubby would be the ultimate "crapping on your own doorstep" would it not? Even if you don't work together any more, you can't predict what could come of you telling her husband. Best case scenario is that he knows already but what if he doesn't? It could have consequences none of us can foresee.

LegacyUser

The endgame was supposed to be me her and the kids living happily ever after but I guess reality never works like that.

There was a point when it all dawned on me but when you love someone you tend to see past that and fall for the bs stories that were spun.

What if were you would you want to know if your oh was cheating?

strandroad

You have no shred of remorse for your part so your concern for him is bull. You can tell him but it won't make you a better person as it's purely out of spite.

She didn't cheat on you BTW, she just ended an affair, that's all.

December2012

tellhim wrote: »

The endgame was supposed to be me her and the kids living happily ever after but I guess reality never works like that.

There was a point when it all dawned on me but when you love someone you tend to see past that and fall for the bs stories that were spun.

What if were you would you want to know if your oh was cheating?

Yes I would want to know if my husband had an affair. And if it was the person who he cheated with I would be more likely to believe it.

But I wouldn't thank her for it, and I hate to think of the way I might lose control with her.

Big Bag of Chips

tellhim wrote: »

The endgame was supposed to be me her and the kids living happily ever after

So what part of that shows that you care about him or his child? You would have been willing to take his child away from him to live with you?

What if were you would you want to know if your oh was cheating?

I wouldn't want to be told by the person they had had a 3 year affair with, who claimed to suddenly get a conscience. And if you do tell him, don't dare to do it anonymously. At least be man enough to admit your part. You don't have to mention the other fella. Doing so would only be for your own gain