I'm so shy that I can't even initiate sex. What is wrong with me?

LegacyUser

How do I overcome this and what are peoples thoughts on it? As a man, i'm expected to play the role of the initiator - taking control in the bedroom. But I cannot do that and I think it is because of my shyness and low self-esteem. Any time I've had sex recently (3 times in the last week due to a holiday romance) it's been the girl taking control. She's basically had to jump on my d*ck in order for it to happen. I'm so low in self confidence that I can't even bring myself to have sex with a girl when it's on a ****ing plate. I just lie there and expect her to initiate things and if she doesn't then i'm perfectly fine just not having sex. I know it's very wrong and that's why i'm posting.

I had performance issues with an ex before (losing erections) due to a combination of anxiety and watching too much porn. She used to tease me over it and even teased me in front of friends before so I think I may have a bit of residual low confidence in the bedroom from that. I'm always fearing the next time I'll fail to perform.

What can I do to stop this and what exactly is my problem? If I think too much I won't enjoy sex and thinking too much is exactly what stops me from initiating it. I guess part of my fear in sex stems from my social anxiety - fear of being judged. I think I also have low confidence in myself from past comments on my looks. Many times I've been called handsome but I've also received some negative comments on my looks and they stick in my head. I feel like i'm not even a man at the moment. Please help.

December2012

Maybe you need to go talk to somebody about this and get professional therapy / advice.

But I will say this - even if you can't see yourself as a sexual person, the person you are with does. You might not be optimistic in your performance, but they are.

If you want to have sex you have to act with that behaviour.

Unless that it is a sexual preference of yours to be submissive / dominated? But it doesn't sound like that from your post.

Tigger99

For any one to tease you, never mind in front of her friends says that she is a nasty little bitch. It is no reflection on you. Jesus no wonder you have anxiety around this. It's a vicious circle. The more you worry and think about it, the worse it gets. As the above poster suggested, why not try counselling?

beks101

I think you need to deal with the residual issues that your performance problems and ex being an insensitive b1tch about that have caused.

I'm not surprised you're struggling to be honest. If someone was so publicly critical and insensitive and nasty about my sexual performance I'd probably never want to have sex again. Your ex sounds mean, disloyal, uncaring and just downright horrible to be perfectly frank. Bringing it up in front of your friends? What an arsehole.

The issue now is in building back up that confidence that you lost and losing this 'fear' that you won't be able to perform again. So what if anxiety or stress or whatever provokes a failure-to-launch scenario again? It's really not the end of the world. There are other things you can do; and even if not, you can leave sex and attempt again when you're feeling in a better mood. Any woman worth her salt will understand and be fine and reassure you that it's no big deal. Any woman who cares about you will be happy just to be with you, to be intimate with you, especially if you engage with her and effectively communicate that this is just something that happens sometimes. That's what great sex is about - communication.

Take it easy on yourself. Decide what is the best course to take to get over these issues - counselling? Just a bit of time and space? Pushing yourself to be a bit more proactive when you're in bed with a lady, despite your anxiety? - and commit yourself to that.

SterlingArcher

Forget what your ex said, she is some other poor saps misfortune.

You had sex 3 times, from this holiday romance? you clearly did something right to get seconds and thirds.

You are too focused on the negative, and I think you are aware of that.

Being negative Its the way you see things, to be positive you just need to see them differently.
Sex is enjoyable, instead of being nervous, you turn that nervous into excited. you change the record. tie her up, blind fold, tease her. Spend alot of time kissing.

This may get me an Infraction.