Lame things you rubbed one off to

RobYourBuilder

Following on from the "Lame or embarrassing things you fapped to before you had internet porn" thread.

I'll get started. We were in a Jacuzzi and the place was ghost. Just some lad swimming laps. We were going to scoop up the boss from preschool and have a kick around after. So I'd a football in my holdall which I fetched. We were doing headers across to one another when a cracker of a mot stepped in. She spoke with herself and said 'looks like fun'. So the two of them started heading it to each other. 'No, no use your neck muscles. It's a great workout.'

After a few minutes I'd a raging horn and went for a tommy in an open plan cubicle changing room. Not my proudest moment.

Back in the day, my gran always ensured we had an Argos catalogue in the gaff. That swimwear section. I always try and buy at least one Christmas gift out of Argos out of loyalty. Oh, there's a queue. I'll browse, sure. Still a cracking swimwear section.

kneemos

Some "mot" starts heading the ball with your girlfriend/wife and you go for a ****?Am I right?

RobYourBuilder

kneemos wrote: »

Some "mot" starts heading the ball with your girlfriend/wife and you go for a ****?Am I right?

Not far wrong.

FluffyAngel

There was this one time in band camp ....

Slicemeister

Remember that time when Angela Lansbury from Murder She Wrote was in crutches? The more she limped the harder I tugged.

Gran Hermano

Paul McCartneys ex.

RobYourBuilder

Where you legless?

seventeen sheep

RobYourBuilder wrote: »

She spoke with herself and said 'looks like fun'.

Did anyone else read this and think that the "cracker of a mot" probably had mental issues and was talking to herself? (As in, to herself, as opposed to talking to the OP's "herself".)

eamonnq

seventeen sheep wrote: »

Did anyone else read this and think that the "cracker of a mot" probably had mental issues and was talking to herself? (As in, to herself, as opposed to talking to the OP's "herself".)

No

Dangerous Man

THERE WOS A BUR IN A WHEEELCHAYER WIT TIG BITS AND SHE HAD A TING UP HER HOL AND SO I WANKD THAKS AND FUK

Sir Osis of Liver.

So the mot and your wife are playing headers in a Jacuzzi while you're having a pedal and crank over your Grannys argos catalogue?

Odelay

This thread.

Donkey Oaty

There's a sketch by David Mitchel (I think) where the only thing he has to arouse him is a ten pound note, so he tries use the picture of the Queen for inspiration.

Unfortunately he holds the note the wrong way around and Charles Dickens starts getting involved.

RobYourBuilder

Donkey Oaty wrote: »

There's a sketch by David Mitchel (I think) where the only thing he has to arouse him is a ten pound note, so he tries use the picture of the Queen for inspiration.

Unfortunately he holds the note the wrong way around and Charles Dickens starts getting involved.

It's on YouTube. It made me wanna watch the whole series of PeepShow again.

mad muffin

RobYourBuilder wrote: »

Following on from the "Lame or embarrassing things you fapped to before you had internet porn" thread.

I'll get started. We were in a Jacuzzi and the place was ghost. Just some lad swimming laps. We were going to scoop up the boss from preschool and have a kick around after. So I'd a football in my holdall which I fetched. We were doing headers across to one another when a cracker of a mot stepped in. She spoke with herself and said 'looks like fun'. So the two of them started heading it to each other. 'No, no use your neck muscles. It's a great workout.'

After a few minutes I'd a raging horn and went for a tommy in an open plan cubicle changing room. Not my proudest moment.

Back in the day, my gran always ensured we had an Argos catalogue in the gaff. That swimwear section. I always try and buy at least one Christmas gift out of Argos out of loyalty. Oh, there's a queue. I'll browse, sure. Still a cracking swimwear section.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDr0mPuyQc

stimpson

Slicemeister wrote: »

Remember that time when Angela Lansbury from Murder She Wrote was in crutches? The more she limped the harder I tugged.

You're in for a treat...

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PXqreCgWYuA

Woshy

RobYourBuilder wrote: »

Following on from the "Lame or embarrassing things you fapped to before you had internet porn" thread.

I'll get started. We were in a Jacuzzi and the place was ghost. Just some lad swimming laps. We were going to scoop up the boss from preschool and have a kick around after. So I'd a football in my holdall which I fetched. We were doing headers across to one another when a cracker of a mot stepped in. She spoke with herself and said 'looks like fun'. So the two of them started heading it to each other. 'No, no use your neck muscles. It's a great workout.'

After a few minutes I'd a raging horn and went for a tommy in an open plan cubicle changing room. Not my proudest moment.

Back in the day, my gran always ensured we had an Argos catalogue in the gaff. That swimwear section. I always try and buy at least one Christmas gift out of Argos out of loyalty. Oh, there's a queue. I'll browse, sure. Still a cracking swimwear section.

Argos has never sold swimwear

What exactly did you think you were **** to?

Day Lewin

Enid Blyton.

The Peanut

katemarch wrote: »

Enid Blyton.

Aunt Fanny and the bottle of ginger beer?

Day Lewin

The Peanut There was lashings of ginger beer in Enid Blyton but I don't recall an Aunt Fanny. Not my cupper cha.

MRnotlob606

I hate that word Mot, you wouldn't hear is said around these parts !.

Donkey Oaty

katemarch wrote: »

The Peanut There was lashings of ginger beer in Enid Blyton but I don't recall an Aunt Fanny. Not my cupper cha.

Aunt Fanny was George's mother, married to mad scientist Uncle Quentin.

However, Enid Blyton never used the phrase "lashings of ginger beer" - that was a Channel Four Comic Strip invention in the parody of The Famous Five.

I realise I am a sad pathetic loser for knowing this.

Saipanne

A Facebook picture.

harry Bailey esq

Vorderman,before she was a fox

Jodie Forest in Maverick. No pause option back then and it kept cutting to Mel Gibson. I guess they should share the credit.

Wasn't my finest hour but the whole process was fairly new to me at the time.

CarrickMcJoe

Wonder what the 2 ladies got up to when you were spanking the monkey?

AndonHandon

Scary Movie.

Day Lewin

Oh, and looking up certain words in the dictionary at a young age ;-j

Calibos

Posted this in another thread recently.

14 years old. Friend from across the road thought it would be funny to show me a topless sunbathing photo of his mother from her 20's.

I stole it from the photo album the next time I was in their house.

Before the days of scanners so I couldn't make a copy.

Intended to return it....after a few days.

Slipped through a gap in my built in bed in our rented house with no way to retrieve it without destroying bed.

Eventually forgot about it.

Remembered and realised years later that at some point the landlord of that house would renovate or sell and at some point someone would remove that built in bed and find a topless pic of the now pensioner living across the road.

Fr_Dougal

Woshy wrote: »

Argos has never sold swimwear

What exactly did you think you were **** to?

Think they do, for toddlers.

Ruu

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056604427

Essentially the same thing.