I am unhappy in my relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'll give some background information:

+baby (<1 year old)
+4 year relationship (cohabitating for 2)
+Partner works a lot
+I work at night and I've college during the day
+I suffer from anxiety/depression (clinically diagnosed & medicated)
+We don't spend much time together any more

Over the last year I've taken a turn for the worse, feelings of depression, lethargy, anger/rage.

I'm finding it quite hard to change myself, I have many talents and advantages and I have many flaws also. I'm currently taking anti depressants and I see a psychologist also.

I feel that I cannot really communicate with my partner. Whilst she is a fantastic mother and good looking I feel that when I speak to her about my issues it's like talking to a black hole. She wants to listen but she offers nothing back, it's a one way conversation. Much of this is because she doesn't understand anxiety, much of it is her upbringing (a very "get on with it" attitude. this has only occurred to me over the last few months.

I've been depressed for the majority of 2014 and it has affected me greatly, both in my attitude towards life and towards my family. I have an immature attitude towards the whole family thing, she is very proactive with the baby (making food in advance, etc.) whereas I am not. I am organised but only regards things I want to be organised about. So for example my college work gets more attention than the state of the house.

I believe there are fundamental issues/flaws in both our personality and also in hers that have brought me to write this post. I feel myself slipping away from her, Lately I have been wondering if I or we would be better off apart. This is not something that I'd considered up to now. She is so busy with work (she works a lot), minding the baby and in general organising things (clothes, the house, work) that she has turned into a far more serious person and if I could sum it up I'd say that there's little or no joy in our relationship any more.

We would always be able to laugh at each other and share that kind of bond and these days I don't really want to spend time with her because it doesn't feel right. I remember we were quite close (right up to when the baby was about a month or so). Then I resumed my studies for another term and it all went downhill.

Our days usually consist of both of us coming home from work/college and I go to the gym and she watches tv. At night I either work or I'm exhausted, the same applies to her.

It's extremely difficult to give a full picture here. I'll be able to say more if people ask questions.

Thanks.

TL;DR: Relationship has almost no joy that used to be there, feel like we're growing apart.

pookie82

I don't have a child so can't comment with personal experience but from all I've seen/read/heard, right after having a baby is one of the toughest points in any relationship. Throw your anxiety into the mix and her probably being overwhelmed running a house, working AND dealing with an infant and it was never going to be a bed of roses.

You mention she is proactive with the baby's needs and you put college work before housework. You might be under pressure in college but that's no excuse to skive off on sharing household tasks. You BOTH live there. You're BOTH that child's parents.

Any chance she's feeling highly frustrated with the current set up too? I can't imagine it's very easy from her end to keep everything ticking over. You say "I am organised but only regards things I want to be organised about". Why don't you want to be organised around the house/raising your child? Household chores may seem boring and unimportant to some, but someone has to do them, and if you don't pick up any slack, that someone is her.

It sounds like life has forced her to become this more serious person. If she's working long hours, doing all the housework and raising and planning for a small child, how do you expect her to have any time left for "fun"?

A good place to start would be to recognise that you need to prioritise helping out with practicalities more. It's hard to have fun when you have a mountain of ironing and a screaming child to come home to each night. I'd imagine her head is no where near the mindset required to kick back and "have a laugh".

Instead of wondering where your "fun girlfriend" has gone, try to recognise and appreciate all she does to keep your family ticking over, and share some of the burden of that. Believe it or not, this is life. It's not possible to act like you haven't a care in the world once you have to run a house and kids.

LegacyUser

Of course she is no fun when she has to do everything !! Your priorities seem to be only about you, and your needs. Do you not help out around the house or make dinner? There is no mention of how you help out with the baby, just how your relationship has changed with your other half.
new borns put even the most rock solid relationships or chilled out people under strain. If she works long hours and then has to come home do housework, make dinner and tend to a kid then she's probably too wrecked to have fun!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply.

I find it hard to function much of the time, household tasks don't cross my mind the way they cross hers because I find it hard to remember things, focus on things, by the time I get home I've already switched off.

Fundamentally I'm a much more emotional person than she is.

I can't seem to snap out of it for more than a few days, the constant ups and downs of my mental state make regularity or consistency a challenge. Whilst medication has made the highs less high and the lows less low I still fluctuate between the two.

bee06

OP, in the first year a baby really isn't much fun. It's all sleepless nights, dirty nappies, throwing up etc. but as the baby gets bigger he/she will sleep more, and become more active and interactive. You will be able to do more fun things as a family and hopefully be comfortable enough to get a babysitter and do more things as a couple too. Keep this in mind.

When it comes to talking to your partner and her not helping I've often heard that women want to be listened to when they have a problem and men want ways to fix it so they respond back in the same way. I'm sure it's a generalisation but it's something to keep in mind. Maybe she thinks she's helping by letting you vent and talk about it?

giggle84

rcbo_20 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply.

I find it hard to function much of the time, household tasks don't cross my mind the way they cross hers because I find it hard to remember things, focus on things, by the time I get home I've already switched off.

Fundamentally I'm a much more emotional person than she is.

I can't seem to snap out of it for more than a few days, the constant ups and downs of my mental state make regularity or consistency a challenge. Whilst medication has made the highs less high and the lows less low I still fluctuate between the two.

OP reread this post and then put yourself in your partner's shoes.. she's dealing with a full time job, a new baby, probably very little sleep, all of the housework and you. This woman sounds like a superhero to me to be honest.

That probably sounds harsh and I do feel for you because you seem to be aware of your own issues and are genuinely struggling. I don't know that you'll get the right answers here, maybe your doctor is a better place to start?

LegacyUser

I've been in therapy with a psychologist for the past 7 months.

She is a superhero.

It's hard to explain without being biased towards or against her, or myself for that matter. therapy can only do so much because eventually it all comes down to changing my perspective. I feel that I've approached a brick wall with the therapy, if only because it's all up to me now, I have awareness of my problems, and it's overcoming them now that's the issue, whereas before it was identifying them that was the task.

Thanks for the responses, they're appreciated, whether constructive or constructive criticism.

maria34

Why u dont help her? I dont buy that im more emotional type and go with the flow. Act like a partner not like the second child and u feel connected again.

Rachineire

Your situation sounds very familar to me.

We have a now 2 year old, but that first year was incredibly tough.
I have issues with anxiety and depression and found it hard to either let go of little things (like house work) or get motivated to do anything. I had days where I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't even want to exist.
It was very hard on my partner and our relationship was pretty up and down for about the first year or so. We would have a very solid relationship and both be fairly easy going as well.
My partner is also the type of person who when I tell him something he wouldnt have much to say- he would take it all in or even tell me he doesnt know what to say. but even though I felt like he didn't care, which made me not want to tell him how i felt a lot of the time- I know he supported me then and now.
Having a kid is tough- it completely changes your life and can make everything feel mundane and stressful and overwhelming. It definitely takes a toll on a person mentally and emotionally.
My advice to you is to try and just keep going. take things day by day, and if thats too much, then hour by hour. Things will get better- trust me. right now is not the time to be making lifelong family decisions based on a short term rough patch (not trying to diminish how tough it is!)
Try and think about all of the good in your life- i really think that law of attraction has some good points to it- when you start to focus on whats good in your life its a lot easier to be happy and a lot easier to deal with whats not so good.

Best of luck OP

Teyla Emmagan

rcbo_20 wrote: »

household tasks don't cross my mind the way they cross hers because I find it hard to remember things, focus on things, by the time I get home I've already switched off.

Write a list of the stuff that needs to be done around the place. Knock off those tasks whether or not you feel like it.

dellas1979

People with (higher) self-awareness/and deeper thinking are completely afflicted.

I mean that in the nicest way possible. It is both ingenious yet an affliction like no other...

A lot of people will plod through life and never really be aware (or notice or feel) the things you probably do.

Right now, youve 2 sides to this. Someone who is very self aware (you). And someone (your partner) who is not. Is it enough that she doesnt understand this? Is it ok that she doesnt understand, and probably never will (unless she goes through something herself)? Perhaps you can get the understanding (instead) from a support network/group (which you seem to be starting off doing).

Ask yourself is it ok that she probably never will understand or get where you are coming from (and remember, it is ok that she doesnt). I think youll make a lot of peace with yourself, when you accept this.

If you choose to try and be happy with her, you are going to have to try and keep trying to make it work. Why not take a night off from the gym and cook her dinner? Sit down and have a conversation.

December2012

Do you want it to work?

If so - great! I'm assuming age does too. You are parents and you live rogetger for four years - you're a family and a team.

Are you acting like a family and a team?

That's for you to consider - and I mean it singularly - are YOU acting like you're in a family and on a team?

Team players take care of each other and help each other. You need to help - in the physical sense and in the emotional sense. If you have put a halt on your mental health that's not fair. Do the work with the psychologist.

Maybe it's appropriate that you both see the psychologist to help with the relationship. I don't know how relationship counselling works with a therapist if you're already seeing a psychologist, but look into it.

You do not get to get away with doing housework or taking care of your child because you have this mental health problem.

If you don't see what needs to be done, fine. Get her to make a list of what you both need to do. And then follow her list.

Above all, understand that this is very difficult right now, because you have another person in the world.

pookie82

rcbo_20 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply.

I find it hard to function much of the time, household tasks don't cross my mind the way they cross hers because I find it hard to remember things, focus on things, by the time I get home I've already switched off.

Fundamentally I'm a much more emotional person than she is.

I can't seem to snap out of it for more than a few days, the constant ups and downs of my mental state make regularity or consistency a challenge. Whilst medication has made the highs less high and the lows less low I still fluctuate between the two.

This sounds familiar to me, believe it or not. Not because I was in your position, but because I was in a relationship with someone who was.

And let me tell you, it was a logistical nightmare in terms of running a household, and that was WITHOUT a child.

It doesn't cut the mustard to declare, as a presumably functioning adult, that household tasks just don't cross your mind. As someone else suggested, if they don't come naturally, get her to list off the things she needs help with, and do them.

Don't let them drop off the priority list, or "forget" about them after a few days. Resolve to stop making short lived efforts and persevere to make long term ones, because she will tire of this attitude eventually and feel totally taken for granted.

I actually feel a bit affronted on her behalf that she has to shoulder all she does and you're moaning about how she's no fun anymore. I mean, wow. Take a look at what you wrote in your OP again and seriously question your mindset to even feel that way. She sounds like an incredible woman, and you and your child are lucky to have her.