Wife messaging my friend and an old friend of hers

karlkavo

Before Xmas I picked up my Ipad and there was a message from my friend since I was 10 saying how he would like to lick my pussy and a lot more. I don't have a pussy, my wife was logged in on Facebook and he was messaging her. When I looked through the messages I seen they were talking about me and what they wanted to do to each other. I confronted my wife and she said she was sorry and it was all a mess and nothing would ever come of it blah blah blah. Yesterday I was tring to charge a tablet I gave her and I noticed she was talking to this fella again saying how he should contact me as we were good friends. I told him and her never to contact each other again the first time. I also seen a message popping up from some other fella saying he loved her and wanted to lick her pussy.....
It turns out he's an old school friend and they have been chatting for a while. Again I confronted her and again I got the same old speil. We are married 20 years, have 4 children from 22 down to 13. I don't know what to do, is this going to go on and on. I'm a really good husband and father and by no means a wimp but whats the best way to deal with this?

Either ban her from Facebook or dump her!

unjedilike

Sounds like she'll do it again. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings, she seems to have apologised to placate you and stop you taking away her current lifestyle by divorce or other means

karlkavo

I forgot to mention she accused me of messaging her friend and saying I was having an affair with her. I unfriend her friend as she is my mates wife. Now she is saying I have no right to be snooping into her private life. All this coming from someone who opens my letters. I'm truly shocked!

Facebook is evil, stay off it!

Chucky the tree

You're a push-over OP. That's the problem. You basically bend over and take it each and every time. It's such a horribly unattractive trait in a person and that's the way your wife looks at you. She sees you as weak. How many women are impressed by men who are weak, desperate and not mentally strong? Lets be honest here, very few.


I'm not defending your wife, because she's a bitch. But she's doing to this to provoke a reaction from you. She's desperately hoping you actually man up and do something that doesn't make you seem like a push-over.

littlemisshobo

Disgraceful behaviour out of her and nothing justifies. A big cop on chat is needed but at this point can you really trust her? It's so disrespectful. Even if she said she'd stop using Facebook there would be emails or texts. This isn't your fault; she's in the wrong.

DeltaWhite

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

Facebook is evil, stay off it!

I 100% agree with this, the amount of relationships I've seen fall apart because of private messaging is out of control!

You shouldn't have to ask her to delete her account, but on the other hand, she shouldn't be messaging other men like that, I'd be very interested to see her reaction if you did suggest she delete her account!

karlkavo

I'm no push over mate, I am trying really hard here not to punch her ****in head in, I'm in work at the moment and she is texting me. I do love her but I think at this stage its more for the kids than us. I wouldn't like to see my father baiting my ma and I don't want that image left in my kids heads. I think it would only make the situation worse. in all the 20 years there has never been even a sniff of her being unfaithful this is why I am so ****ed up.

beks101

Chucky the tree wrote: »

You're a push-over OP. That's the problem. You basically bend over and take it each and every time. It's such a horribly unattractive trait in a person and that's the way your wife looks at you. She sees you as weak. How many women are impressed by men who are weak, desperate and not mentally strong? Lets be honest here, very few.

Eh no, the OP's wife is a cheat with a serious lack of class and morals and the OP has some seriously questionable 'friends'.

Talk about victim blaming. You don't run off and start messaging the entire universe about wanting your pussy to be licked if things aren't working for you in your marriage. You sit down with your partner and talk things through, figure out what needs to change and take the necessary steps like a mature adult.

Fcuk that for a game of soldiers. OP with all due respects, your wife sounds like a pathetic middle aged woman who gets her kicks off various ego boosts on facebook at the expense of the people she loves and her own reputation and your 'friend' sounds like an arsehole. Meet him face to face and tell him to fcuk right off and never talk to you or your wife again. And as for her - tell her she's sleeping on the couch as a first step and her own bedsit as a second if she doesn't man up to her actions, explain exactly what she was thinking and take the necessary steps to make sure it 1. never happens again and 2. you can salvage your marriage through all of this. If indeed you think that is even possible.

Chucky the tree

karlkavo wrote: »

I'm no push over mate, I am trying really hard here not to punch her ****in head in, I'm in work at the moment and she is texting me. I do love her but I think at this stage its more for the kids than us. I wouldn't like to see my father baiting my ma and I don't want that image left in my kids heads. I think it would only make the situation worse. in all the 20 years there has never been even a sniff of her being unfaithful this is why I am so ****ed up.

You are a push-over. Having the urge to punch her head-in doesn't make you strong or not a push over. You're still mentally weak and a push-over, beating the **** out of her won't change that. It just makes it more obvious your mentally weak actually. Figure out why that is and then you can maybe sort yourself out.

Meathlass

OP you both sound like teenagers. I had to reread your post to see that you're probably in your 40s.

Why does your wife think it's acceptable to have emotional affairs with other people?

You both need to sit down and talk about your marriage. Is counselling an option or is all trust gone now.

Chucky the tree

beks101 wrote: »

Eh no, the OP's wife is a cheat with a serious lack of class and morals and the OP has some seriously questionable 'friends'.

Talk about victim blaming. You don't run off and start messaging the entire universe about wanting your pussy to be licked if things aren't working for you in your marriage. You sit down with your partner and talk things through, figure out what needs to change and take the necessary steps like a mature adult.

Fcuk that for a game of soldiers. OP with all due respects, your wife sounds like a pathetic middle aged woman who gets her kicks off various ego boosts on facebook at the expense of the people she loves and her own reputation and your 'friend' sounds like an arsehole. Meet him face to face and tell him to fcuk right off and never talk to you or your wife again. And as for her - tell her she's sleeping on the couch as a first step and her own bedsit as a second if she doesn't man up to her actions, explain exactly what she was thinking and take the necessary steps to make sure it 1. never happens again and 2. you can salvage your marriage through all of this. If indeed you think that is even possible.

I prefer the term self-analysis rather than victim blaming. Victim blaming is a bit of a dirty word. For the OP to make his marriage work he has to figure out what he can do to make it better. If the OP wants the bolded to happen he needs to figure out why his wife did this in the first place.

karlkavo

Both of us are in our early forties, being mentally strong I'm not sure what you mean. I have no problem splitting up with her it's just I can't believe it. If it was 2 complete strangers you would say OK she's lacking something in her life but pissing on your own doorstep!

Meathlass

I think it's fairly irrelevant who she wants to have an affair with. I know it might hurt when it's one of your friends but she still doesn't seem to care about you.

So, you've caught her twice now sexting other men and both times she's just brushed it off? What do you want to happen? Can you see your marriage continuing? Do you want her to leave the family home? Do you want a divorce? Do you trust her that it hasn't gone further?

Chucky the tree

karlkavo wrote: »

Both of us are in our early forties, being mentally strong I'm not sure what you mean. I have no problem splitting up with her it's just I can't believe it. If it was 2 complete strangers you would say OK she's lacking something in her life but pissing on your own doorstep!

If you've no problem splitting up with her why haven't you done it? Or are you just waiting for the 4th or 5th time for it to happen before you do it?

Yes, for it to happen more than once is a sure sign the relationship cannot continue.

karlkavo

True, thanks for your replies so far. I'm taking it all in.

I understand your pain, I've had a similar problem in the past, fortunately it was a one off and we got passed it!
I do blame Facebook as it is an easy way for someone to be contacted by people they used to know!
I always say "you used to know them for a reason"

littlemisshobo

Facebook isn't to blame; the disrespectful partner in the relationship is! And again if someone is gonna act like that then if it's not Facebook it's something else. And if it's not a blast from the past its someone else.

If you can't trust someone to have a Facebook account without dodgy private messages then that's not a person to be with.

OP; your kids are old enough not to be too scarred by a break up. Not if it's handled correctly and you both keep them out of any problems you may have with each other. As in do not tell your kids, even the 22yr old, about these messages!

Taltos

Mod Note:

karlkavo wrote: »

I am trying really hard here not to punch her ****in head in, I'm in work at the moment and she is texting me.

OP, we are quite a strict forum. As such all threats of violence, real or imagined are harshly dealt with. We recognise you are going through a difficult time right now but further posts like the above will result in this thread being closed/deleted and may impact your posting rights here.

Thanks
Taltos

DeltaWhite

To add OP, I don't believe you're a push-over, it's not your fault that your wife is doing this behind your back. If there are/were problems in the relationship, she should be an adult and confide in you. Not go behind your back sexting your friend. That's a cop out excuse. Wishing you well with whatever you decide OP. Not an easy position to be in especially after 20 years together.

ceadaoin.

You aren't a pushover and I'm quite sure if the genders were reversed in this situation, no one would tell the wife to woman up. Your wife has crossed the line big time and I would be questioning how this even started. You say the guy is a longtime friend of yours so presumably they have met? I'd imagine there has been some inappropriate contact at the very least for the messaging to start.

She isn't going to stop OP and she doesn't even seem too bothered that she's been caught. I'd tell her to sleep in the spare room/on the couch for the near future and give you some space to think about how you want to proceed.

Chucky the tree

So OP isn't a push-over?


- Wife caughting sexting first time - OP asks her to stop she ignores it
- Wife caught sexting again. OP askers her to stop she ignores it
- Wife caught sexting agains. OP asks her to stop...
- Wife accuses OP of having an affair with no proof, he unfriends the girl and stops talking to her.
- The wife now claims OP shouldn't be looking into her private life while the wife is perfectly happy opening his letters.



She says jump and he says how high. Comical to suggest the OP isn't a push-over tbh.

Lone Stone

Chucky the tree wrote: »

So OP isn't a push-over?


- Wife caughting sexting first time - OP asks her to stop she ignores it
- Wife caught sexting again. OP askers her to stop she ignores it
- Wife caught sexting agains. OP asks her to stop...
- Wife accuses OP of having an affair with no proof, he unfriends the girl and stops talking to her.
- The wife now claims OP shouldn't be looking into her private life while the wife is perfectly happy opening his letters.



She says jump and he says how high. Comical to suggest the OP isn't a push-over tbh.

Your a total twat

beks101

Chucky the tree wrote: »

So OP isn't a push-over?


- Wife caughting sexting first time - OP asks her to stop she ignores it
- Wife caught sexting again. OP askers her to stop she ignores it
- Wife caught sexting agains. OP asks her to stop...
- Wife accuses OP of having an affair with no proof, he unfriends the girl and stops talking to her.
- The wife now claims OP shouldn't be looking into her private life while the wife is perfectly happy opening his letters.



She says jump and he says how high. Comical to suggest the OP isn't a push-over tbh.

So what exactly would you suggest he does Chucky, throw her out on her rear so she can paint him as a bad husband and a bad father to his children and probably the entire community?

This woman is getting her kicks by messaging explicit and highly inappropriate sexual comments to his best mate, to her own mate and to god knows who else, I wouldn't be so sure she's not capable of much worse sins against him. She gives a sh1t about no-one but herself and the OP could end up losing his home, his kids and his own reputation if he doesn't think this through.

There are four kids' lives at stake here too and his wife is being a selfish aRsehole. It's not on the OP to reduce himself to her level with some equally irresponsible and tactless behaviour.

Chucky the tree

beks101 wrote: »

So what exactly would you suggest he does Chucky, throw her out on her rear so she can paint him as a bad husband and a bad father to his children and probably the entire community?


This woman is getting her kicks by messaging explicit and highly inappropriate sexual comments to his best mate, to her own mate and to god knows who else, I wouldn't be so sure she's not capable of much worse sins against him. She gives a sh1t about no-one but herself and the OP could end up losing his home, his kids and his own reputation if he doesn't think this through.

There are four kids' lives at stake here too and his wife is being a selfish aRsehole. It's not on the OP to reduce himself to her level with some equally irresponsible and tactless behaviour.

Lots of things he can do. He can ask her to leave, leave himself, contact a solicitor and see what they say. He can sleep in a seperate room, ask her to sleep in a separate room etc etc.


On the specific issues you mentioned. Firstly who gives a **** what the community think? If he does care about their opinion, then he can print of his Facebook page of her sexting numerous other men. See what the community make of that.

Again he has the evidence here. She has none. Once he shows the explicit messages I think most people will see through her lies and bull****. Especially when she'll have zero proof against him.


I mean the other option is for the OP to ask his wife to stop. Because that's worked brilliantly the first two times hasn't it.


As they say "Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me". OP is being treated like a mug here. Why should he continue to let it happen?


I do have to ask. If you think she's capable of doing so much bad things, then why did you suggest this?

And as for her - tell her she's sleeping on the couch as a first step and her own bedsit as a second if she doesn't man up to her actions,

What exactly is manning up to her actions as well?

Tokyo

Lone Stone wrote: »

Your a total twat

Lone Stone - as per the forum charter, post constructively, or not at all, as personal insults like this will not be tolerated. Yellow carded, and don't post in this thread again.

Chucky the tree - you are dangerously approaching the line of victim blaming here. I'd seriously recommend rethinking how your posts could be perceived by others when discussing sensitive issues such as the one in the OP.

Regards,
Mike

JAMES VI

Man I'mma be measured in my response. I'm relatively angry for you. I have no idea how you must feel, well I do a little actually, but you have built much more of a life than I had when I was sh*t on. I feel totally betrayed for you. Early forties you say? Man, there are many thousands of decent girls/ladies/women/other in this country who would treat you how you deserve. I.e. With respect. You shouldn't stay together for the kids, I just can't imagine it's the right way.

You both love your children I am sure. That's the main thing.

Measured response is over.

Less measured response incoming...

F***ing run man! You're not a mug!!! You know you're not, I get the impression you are not. Breath deep and lift your head up high!!!! You have given everything!!! And this is what you get??? This is your chance!!! RUNNNNN! F***ing RUN!!!!!!!!!! GO GO GO!!!!!!! You have been consciously betrayed by a number of those you care about. Seedy bastards!!

Stavro Mueller

Blaming Facebook for this is beyond ridiculous. Lots of people in relationships use Facebook and wouldn't dream of doing anything inappropriate. It's merely a communication tool and if it's misused, it's totally down to the humans who are on it.

OP, it's hard to know whether your wife has physically cheated on you but she's obviously getting something out of sending/receiving these x-rated messages. The initial contact with your old friend rang alarm bells for me though. Was she encouraging him to get back in touch with you so that she could meet him in person?
Did you get much of a look at the other messages she had sent? Had they been exchanging pictures? Was there mention of naughty webcam sessions? What's also ringing alarm bells here is that she continued to send these saucy messages even after you'd asked her to stop contacting your friend. You've got to wonder how many other men she's also carrying on with?

Chucky the tree

This post is aimed at the OP.

I've had a re-think of how my posts in this thread can be perceived. I accept I come across as a **** (or twat ) which is probably making you less reluctant to take my advice. Which defeats the purpose of me posting you advice in the first place. So I'll give this another go.


Being 100% honest I think you're past actions have contributed to the situation you are in currently. Does this mean it's your fault? No, 100% not. People will call that victim-blaming - meh whatever tbh, maybe it is, I don't really care. The best way I can describe this is by using an example:


John and Dave. Two good friends. John calls over to visit Dave once a month. Dave lives in a okay enough neighbourhood. His street his fine but there is a rougher neighbourhood a few streets away. When John visits he parks in the rough neighbourhood because he likes going for a bit of walk before he visits Dave. John leave his laptop and brief case in full few on the back window. The last 3 times John has visited his car has been broken into and his laptop and briefcase stolen. He replaced them all 3 times, and all 3 times they were stolen. John arrives at Daves house.


Is it John's fault his car got broken into?
- No. The knackers who broke into the car are at fault..

Do John's actions lead to an increased chance his car will be broken ino?
- Personally I'd say yes they do. It could just be very unlucky on John's part but I think that's unlikely.

Should Dave say something? Advice him that he should be more careful where he parks and that he should put his valubles out of site.
- No, because that's victim-blaming. <- lol.


Personally I think that's wrong and I think Dave should say something. Now maybe he shouldn't act like a **** when he says it, fair enough, but ultimately it's far better for John if Dave points it out to him.


OP - maybe your actions had absolutely nothing to do with it. If so, great, you can happily ignore my advice. But what if they did? Should you just ignore that? Will that make things better you in your family situation? Will that give you a better chance of being happy with someone else? I don't think so.


This is my theory on your situation. It could be completely wrong and I could be a complete idiot. If non of it strikes a cord with you then ignore it and move on and you have my apologies.

I think your wife has lost respect for you. Not sure when or why but I think it happened. Her actions are of someone who clearly has no respect for you. You said until this point she was fine. Maybe she was or maybe you didn't notice. Your friend clearly has no respect for you either. Why do you think two very important people in your life have no respect for you? They could just be assholes. But is possible you behave in a manor that gives them a reason to not respect you? Or for their respect to decrease as time goes on? I'm not saying this makes their actions acceptable either. For example most of us probably know of one person in either a work/social situation who people don't really respect. They'll be the sort of person who does everything when asked, never refuses to do something and generally are easy to push around. Now not everyone will take advantage of this, but over time people will slightly look down on them and think of them as a door mat. If you've behaved like this for over 20 years chances are your wife/friends respect for you just erroded so much over time that they had none left. Maybe they never had any in the first place, impossible to know.


Is there any point you think this could have happened? For the big decisions in your marriage -have you always made them? Spilt decision? or her? Think about stuff like when/where to go on holidays, what car to buy, what to spend the savings on etc. Really think, a lot of them could have involved debate/arguments etc but ultimately what was decided was what she wanted in the first place.


When your wife sexted someone for the the second time why do you think she did it? If you had to guess, do you think she thought you'd 100% leave her or kick her out? What about the 3rd time? I think your wife either A) doesn't care if you leave has zero fear you will leave. I personally think it's B. Any ideas why that is?


I'm not going to ramble any more. You get the jist of what I'm saying. These aren't questions you have to answer here. Simply take a few hours yourself and have a think about it. As I said, I could be a million miles off here and completely wrong. Best of luck anyway, I hope it works out how you want it to.

ABajaninCork

OP - I'd be having a quiet (or several noisy ones!) word with your so-called mate. He'll probably say your wife started it, but hey!

Have you done that yet?

ceadaoin.

If a person wants to get their kicks from outside their marriage, they will. If someone has that little respect for their relationship, it doesn't matter if their partner reads them the riot act or begs them to pick them over whoever, they will still do it. I don't think it means that the other person is enabling this behaviour, just that they don't want to walk out on a 20 year marriage without making an effort to save it.

The OP has done this and his wife has shown by her actions that she doesn't give a sh!t so that's fair enough, at least he can say that he gave her every chance to save their relationship. He should see a solicitor and take it from there.

karlkavo

Thanks for your analogy Chuckie the tree. In a way I agree with you, before the recession I would have been on a good wage and I would have gone out at least once a week with mates (not the one mentioned earlier) but like most people money is tight right now and I've had to sacrafice my night out to pay bills. I was always the one that would have been more likely to have a fling than my wife as I would have been out a lot more and maybe over the years I took her for granted. I know it can never be the same I will never trust her again. Last night it was my youngest daughters birthday and I sat in watching a Rom com with my 2 daughters. I would hate to rip that world from them over something that I didn't do. I'm in a very tough spot at the moment and I still am not any clearer on my future. Thanks everyone for the advice and I welcome more.

limitedIQ

You are married a long time. the kids are more grown up now and maybe your wife is just bored.

Why do you think your wife is doing this ?
have you stepped back and looked at your relationship ?
do you actually do anything together or do you just live seperate lives ?
When was the last time you did anything romantic or fun together or even had sex.

karlkavo

Our sex life over the last few months has dramatically increased even trying things we never done before. I agree its hard to get time together with the kids in their own activaties. We were away for 10 days together last October and it was like a second honeymoon. We always try to put the kids first and even at that their not really that demanding on our time. I would feel better if she had have had sex with a stranger rather than her messaging an old school friend telling him she loves him and always has.
Now she's texting me saying she messed up and she's sorry and in the next breath attacking me for not appreciating her and our marriage was a joke. My head is really messed up but today I have a calmness about myself that actually feels good.

LegacyUser

Our sex life over the last few months has dramatically increased even trying things we never done before

OPS! Alarm bells ringing...

She is sexting other man and after 20yrs together, aged 40+ when most ppl go through a mid life crises she start to act like a teenager discovering her sexuality and trying things yous never done before...

Don't you see a 'problem' in there? Isn't a sudden change in sexual behaviour a reason for you to think (after reading the sex text) she was up for something with any of these man?

P. Breathnach

Don't get me wrong: I think her behaviour has been inappropriate, and disrespectful to you. But...

Some people use porn as an aid to sex. It stimulates them, and feeds their imagination. If you have read much in this forum, you will find that a lot of people think that's quite acceptable (as well as some who don't think so).

Might your wife be using sexting in the same way, particularly to create or reinforce a belief that she continues to be sexually attractive as she gets older? And might that be why your sex life has improved?

Chucky the tree

OP - if you asked most people on this forum what they would have done in your position I'd say 90% of them would have either left the first time or the second time. And if asked why I'd say their reason would be along the lines of "I have too much self-respect for myself to stay."

I know the idea of not being able to spend time with your daughters at home is a horrible one but is it the actual reason you don't want to properly confront your wife?


My theory is your afraid of the consequences of actually confronting your wife. The idea of being single, early 40s and having to live on your own has you scared stiff - which is perfectly acceptable and is a normal reaction for most people. Lots of people hate change so they go to great lengths to avoid it because they are afraid of it.

Going by your previous posts you seem to be a stereotypical guy's guy. Value your physical strength, enjoyed the pints with the lads etc etc. Lots of men are the same. For you admitting your afraid of something is a weakness and something you find extremely uncomfortable to do. It's pretty much the same for most men because when men get together in a group then the last thing they ever want to discuss is their feelings - it's because they're afraid of the reaction. So you've probably gone through your life where you avoid your true feelings and you never express them. If you did, it was probably to your wife and now you can't even do that.


Again, I could be miles off on this, if so ignore away.

DukeOfTheSharp

karlkavo wrote: »

I'm no push over mate, I am trying really hard here not to punch her ****in head in, I'm in work at the moment and she is texting me. I do love her but I think at this stage its more for the kids than us. I wouldn't like to see my father baiting my ma and I don't want that image left in my kids heads. I think it would only make the situation worse. in all the 20 years there has never been even a sniff of her being unfaithful this is why I am so ****ed up.

...ok, you see that sentence there? Just no. Ok? No. You're feeling a lot of terrible things, but I think I speak for anyone here with a shred of common sense when I say: do not say or entertain the notion of, assaulting your wife. Jesus. I think there's a lot you need to do to improve yourself, first and foremost getting to a bloody therapist for that 'I'm not beating my wife because kids' gem.

Right, now, clearly the two of you aren't mature or well suited to this marriage - she's obviously someone who liked to entertain the notion of cheating and you...have very disturbing thoughts about beating her. Basically, the two of you are all sorts of dysfunctional, you both need therapy - individually - and if you want to make the marriage work, first have a conversation about it and second, agree to see a marriage councilor. If she doesn't want to, proceed to separation and divorce. But please, seriously, get help for those violent thoughts, that's unhealthy.

mada82

I'd agree with the comments that your wife has no respect for you as she kept sexting after getting caught.

There's two routes to go down depending how you feel.

1 if you want to save the marriage then you need to find out why she does it and get counselling.

2 end the marriage. This is what I would do as I wouldn't be able to forgive her or get past it.