need a little help

evalp

Had to set up a new account as I wasn't sure how to go anon
I've found myself in a situation that I am afraid I do not know how to handle. I have been with my partner for over ten years, we have a son and and i love them both dearly.
There seems to be a lot of issues piling up recently though so I thought maybe a weekend away was in order for valentines.
He barely speaks to me and I only seem to find out things about his life when he discusses them with others. He is a man of very few but I do find it hard to deal with the fact that he can talk to others and not me. I've also noticed when we go out that he doesn't speak to me just anybody else around him and if were left alone he'll find someone to speak to. At the end of the night hell usually want to go to a house party or bring his friends back to ours when I just want to go home to bed. I've put on some weight also but I am not overweight, I was always very thin (underweight) but now i'm heavier and he has told me that he preferred me before. He would never tell me that i look nice even when i have spent hours getting ready but will say things about other girls to his friends.
When we went away for the weekend, he didn't really speak for most of it and on the second night another couple came to meet us, he the proceeded to turn his back to me the entire night, he didnt speak to me or show that he wanted me there at all. At the end of the night the other guy bought his girlfriend flowers on the street, when i said id like some too i was told to f~~k off that they were too expensive. He then went back to their residents bar, leaving me to go back to our hotel alone.
He doesnt seem very interested in sex with me, he has no interest in getting married yet and even though we were talking about buying a house, he seems to be all talk and no action (finances are ok)
I work with another guy who makes no secret about how he feels about me. He sent flowers to my workplace for valentines last week. hes always calling and texting (I am polite but I doont entertain his flirtations) I would like to stress that I have no interest in this guy and have made it clear that I love my partner. My partner also knows about all of this.
My problem is this, my partner doesnt call or text and in fact doesnt answer my calls or texts. I tried to speak to him about the weekend and he completely blanked me ( he would not discuss the issue and it was 2 days later) He ignores me constantly ( i came home from work tonight and he didnt speak to me at all) This other guy is always calling and texting, telling me that im pretty and that he would do anything for me. There is no way that i would leave my partner for this guy but I am finding it difficult that my partner makes no effort to show me that he cares and this other guy shows me all the time. Its very frustrating. I paid for our weekend away and pay for most of the things that we do, hes quite tight with money and it seems to be mounting in his bank account while mine is always being drained for bills and and other things. He buys whatever he wants but its never anything for the house or clothes for our son. When things are good, they are great but when they are bad, they are awful Can anybody tell me how to revive my relationship and make him understand how he makes me feel

Littlekittylou

Your partner sounds awful I wouldn't want to advise you how to revive anything with him I would want you to see how you can do better.

He is an adult he knows how he makes you feel. I think it's selfishness pure and simple. Leave him. I would I know it's more complicated with a kid. But thats what I would do.

whiskeyman

evalp wrote: »

When things are good, they are great but when they are bad, they are awful Can anybody tell me how to revive my relationship and make him understand how he makes me feel

In your post, you mentioned nothing good about him, or the 'great times.

Is this a particularly rough patch?
Did something happen that has turned him like this, or is it a frequent thing?
Have you tried to address it with him?

Shrap

evalp wrote: »

I would like to stress that I have no interest in this guy and have made it clear that I love my partner.

You love him why exactly? Sorry OP, you're worth so much more than how he treats you and your son shouldn't have to grow up watching his Dad ignore you and be so ignorant towards you.

You may have no feelings for this other guy, but he's certainly woken you up to how you could be treated in a relationship. Good for him.

DUB0207-old

He is the way he is YET you decided to have a child with him (alarm 1)

He clearly doesn't value marriage otherwise would have done it a long time ago... 10 years! C'mon its a life time (alarm 2)

Things are bad but YOU were considering buying a house together even though you are not legally commited to him (alarm 3)

Weight gain may not be an issue to you but it is for a lot of people and there's nothing wrong with it... [been there myself]

To send flowers to someone I know is in a relationship, lives together and has a child with the man... no, no, no! Had you stopped this non sense from the begginning I very much doubt he would carry on with the flirt, to the point of thinking its ok to gift you on Valentine's day! God knows why he's interested in you and you are clearly enjoying the attention!

Not long ago there was a post about a woman concerned because she found her HUSBAND of 20yrs was texting/calling a colegue outside working hours. She wont give up the relatiosnship without a fight and he swears nothing happened, was only an emotional affair...

How would u feel to find out the man who didnt buy you flowers on Valentine's day sent a bouquet to somebody else? I bet you would be here whinging about the situation...

You can use being neglected in the relationship as an excuse for your behaviour... if he is found out to be getting sex elsewhere he can use the excuse that he is not attracted to you phisically and can't find himself being intimate until you loose weight. 2 wrongs don't make a right!

If you are unhappy take some time apart to sort your differences out, go to counselling etc. getting close to someone of the opposite sex is not the answer!

Littlekittylou

What rings alarms bells truly for me is that you state that you are NOT overweight and that you were underweight before and that he preferred you like that???

Is he a bit ..odd?


Yeah people have their preferences but a preference for underweight women and being put off by the same woman when she is not over weight at all really seems a little odd to me.

Is he doing it or telling you to put you down?

As regards the person you are receiving flowers from
DUB0207

To send flowers to someone I know is in a relationship, lives together and has a child with the man... no, no, no! Had you stopped this non sense from the begginning I very much doubt he would carry on with the flirt, to the point of thinking its ok to gift you on Valentine's day! God knows why he's interested in you and you are clearly enjoying the attention!

OP

I am polite but I doont entertain his flirtations) I would like to stress that I have no interest in this guy and have made it clear that I love my partner.

She says she has made it clear to the man she loves her bf. God knows why though.

OP my advice is to leave the BF i cannot see for the life of me why are with him.
DUB0207

You can use being neglected in the relationship as an excuse for your behaviour...

She is not doing anything she told the other guy she loves the BF ...again lord knows why though.
Shrap

You may have no feelings for this other guy, but he's certainly woken you up to how you could be treated in a relationship. Good for him.

If she has no feelings for him then it's unfair to lead him on. Plus she needs to end the relationship because of the BF not another party.

OP There is always a feeling amongst men and women that 'they are all like that'. I have a friend who met her current partner after a messy relationship and her words were ' I never knew people like him really existed'.


People deserve better in relationships than the treatment you are receiving. I would leave the BF you will be much happier. Trust me.

evalp

Thank you for all of your replies
I really am sorry that I didn't say anything nice about my partner. Sometimes he makes conversation and makes me laugh, when hes in a good mood things are great and nothing beats the feeling this gives me, Theres nothing that makes me happier than seeing him playing with our child but when he is minding him he often leaves him with his mother to go do other things. Hes not very sentimental and doesn't get up on xmas morning to see him open his toys or find these things enjoyable. I did not get pregnant on purpose as im sure has happened to many people. I have told my partner about the other guy and I have told the other guy that i am not interested, I also told him that i had no interest and that even if i wasn't with my partner that i just did not feel that way about him. I don't respond to his texts and avoid him at all costs. I do not want his attention, I want it from my partner.
I love my partner and maybe that has always made me blind to these things but i think maybe its time to call it a day it just very hard to end it

littlemisshobo

Sounds horrible!

If you love him and want to give it a shot maybe couples therapy could help you both communicate better with each other. Also a joint account for household expenses and child related costs would be better than what's currently going on.

But...

I'd leave. It doesn't sound healthy or happy. Honestly sounds to me like he doesn't want the relationship but for maybe doesn't feel he can leave. His actions are not those of someone who wants to be with you.

This other guy; quite the dickhead! Really inappropriate behaviour and if you did shut it down then his actions are quite stalkerish! If you didn't properly shut it down that's not cool.

anyway my advice (for whatever it's worth) is leave. Go to a solicitor and set up legal sole or joint custody and maintenance payments from him for his son.

Littlekittylou

evalp wrote: »

I love my partner and maybe that has always made me blind to these things but i think maybe its time to call it a day it just very hard to end it

Love does not mean letting others treat you badly. We all tend to learn that the hard way. I did. But once you learn you learn.

If someone loved you would you use that to treat them badly? No you would take care not to.

I think we can all relate and understand though.

evalp

Hi all
Thank you for all your replies. I think I've come to a decision, Im going to ask him to go to a relationship counselor and see if maybe we can communicate through him and maybe get back on track. I feel very taken for granted and maybe with the help of a third party we can come through this. If he declines then i am going to ask him to leave, I know that he doesn't want to leave he has said that he's happy with the way things are but i am not. I will report back when it has been resolved or ended.
Thank you all again

Shrap

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Shrap

You may have no feelings for this other guy, but he's certainly woken you up to how you could be treated in a relationship. Good for him.

If she has no feelings for him then it's unfair to lead him on. Plus she needs to end the relationship because of the BF not another party.

I agree with all your post, but just to point out that I wasn't indicating that she was leading the other guy on (and nor did the OP), more that the attention is something she deserves in a relationship. The OP brought up the massive discrepancy between how she is treated within her marriage and how she could be treated, as well as making it clear she is not into the other guy.

evalp

i spoke to him
He refused to see a counselor and told me that i was a child for feeling ignored. he laughed at me. Then when I asked him to put himself in my position he got up and went to bed. I didn't want to say anything id regret but hes never really made a real commitment 10 years and no ring no house all the bills are in my name he pays some cash towards them. He said part of the reason he doesn't want these things is because of stupid argument like this and the other part because he doesn't want to (his words).
I'm trying really hard to see his point in this, he says he didn't ignore me and the thing with the flowers is just childish. I know that there are 2 sides to every story but hes not telling me his hes just laughing at me and calling me stupid

zoeybelle

Hi, I think you just got your answer there. Please don't let him treat you like this, laughing at you, telling you to **** off coz you'd like a flower, ignoring you and not evenly contributing even though he is able this is all unacceptable behaviour and sounds like bullying to me. I also think he needs to treat your child better - look after him when he's meant to, enjoy waking up Christmas morning to see his excitement. You deserve better and so does your kid, they see and know everything thats happening amnd this is the picture of a functioning relationship he is growing up with. I know how hard it is to leave after so long together but I think you need to time to yourself to sort your head out. Hopefully he just made it a bit easier for you after his behaviour this evening. Whatever you decide I wish you the best :-)

evalp

thank you zoebelle
I do agree with you this isnt right and obviously things were better in the past think i just have to stop being such a coward and tell him to leave. Is this something that I can do over the phone? I feel another face to face battle like tonight might just finish me off my confidence is on the floor after tonight. Hes told me that I am wrong but I don't see how. If I just text him chances are he wont text back and I wont have to have another argument. is that awful???

JAMES VI

evalp wrote: »

thank you zoebelle
I do agree with you this isnt right and obviously things were better in the past think i just have to stop being such a coward and tell him to leave. Is this something that I can do over the phone? I feel another face to face battle like tonight might just finish me off my confidence is on the floor after tonight. Hes told me that I am wrong but I don't see how. If I just text him chances are he wont text back and I wont have to have another argument. is that awful???

Yeah it probably is. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but yeah, I'd say it's pretty much not great. Maybe you don't have to actually text him that you're finished/want him to leave - maybe something along the lines of...

I'm really not happy with sh*t at the minute, seriously, we really need to have a serious talk.

Or something.

THEN do it, if that's what you really want.

m'lady

Hi OP, I've not much to add to the advice you've already got, but I just wanted to say that I nearly cried reading your post.

Nobody should have to live like this, to be treated with complete and utter contempt- you deserve so much better and I hope that you will realise this in time. Do you have any close friend you could talk to? I genuinely feel for you as your partner sounds like a cruel b*****d.

Did something happen to make him become like this, has he always been like this?

Stavro Mueller

OP have you anyone you can talk to first and perhaps cry on their shoulder? I think you'll find anyone close to you will have seen more than you think they have and will be more than happy to help. You sound utterly broken and that's understandable.

I don't think this is something that can be handled by text though. I think you'll find that (a) he'll break the habit of a lifetime and respond to the text and not in a nice way or (b) he'll come home and pretend nothing happened because he didn't see the text.

I also don't see him going without kicking up a major fuss. It was clear from the start of the thread that he mentally checked out of the relationship a long time ago yet he never left. Why? I'd say it was because it suited him to stay put even though he didn't love you any more. He got to live with his son, get his meals cooked for him, laundry done, bills paid....he isn't going to want to give that up without a fight.

My advice to you is to keep your powder dry for a few days until you gather yourself together and feel less raw. What I think I'd do is have a male family member or friend close by (not in the house but nearby, out of sight) just in case things turn nasty. I'm not suggesting he'll turn violent but he is probably going to say awful hurtful things to you, storm upstairs and refuse to budge.

evalp

Thank you all for your kind replies
to answer your questions yes he has always been a little odd. Hes not good at expressing emotion and always used humor to escape. I know that he loves me but he cant show it. I don't think hes a bad person and I have never been an angel to live with but I think people deserve to be treated better than this and I am going to ask him to leave. I'eve gained a lot of strength from this site, usually I would believe him, that I was acting like a child but now I know others feel the same, I know that my feelings are normal.
Thank you all

pookie82

evalp wrote: »

Thank you all for your kind replies
to answer your questions yes he has always been a little odd. Hes not good at expressing emotion and always used humor to escape. I know that he loves me but he cant show it. I don't think hes a bad person and I have never been an angel to live with but I think people deserve to be treated better than this and I am going to ask him to leave. I'eve gained a lot of strength from this site, usually I would believe him, that I was acting like a child but now I know others feel the same, I know that my feelings are normal.
Thank you all

That's the beauty of getting outside advice (although it's a hurtful truth in this instance).

People like him have a knack of making you feel like YOU'RE the unreasonable one when you point out his horrible behaviour. It's very easy to pan you off as being "dramatic" and continue walking all over you.

There are people who have trouble engaging with emotions and then there are people who aren't even arsed getting out of bed to see their own child open their presents on Christmas morning during one of the few, precious years it will last. F&ck that OP, he sounds like a lazy, selfish person.

My guess is he'll only wake up to what he had when he's out the door but so be it. You shouldn't exist just to make someone else's life easier when they bring little or nothing to yours.

You deserve peace and happiness and you deserve to be loved properly.

highly1111

I've nothing to add OP but I just wanted to wish you luck. I know how difficult it can be when children are involved but tbh he doesn't sound like much of a dad as it is. It sounds like he's sucking the life, soul and confidence out of you. Get out of there and bring some joy into your life again. It sounds like its way overdue. His treatment of you is absolutely appalling. Mind yourself.

AsianIrish

Sorry to say, i think he is loosing interest in you for some reason. Find it out.

Shrap

AsianIrish wrote: »

Sorry to say, i think he is loosing interest in you for some reason. Find it out.

Why? If he has a problem with her and doesn't say it out loud, then he is making a problem. The OP is talking about her difficulties out loud, he is not.

In this instance, the OP is losing interest in him because he refuses to talk about how he is treating her. This is not her problem, it is his.

AsianIrish

I gave my opinion based on the details and manners in which he has been acting up lately. He might not want to say it loud but his actions are speaking loud and clear. I wish it was any different though.

Phonehead

AsianIrish wrote: »

Sorry to say, i think he is loosing interest in you for some reason. Find it out.

I think it's pretty clear he's checked out of this relationship a long time ago, the arrangement as it is suits him! he gets a roof over his head and all his bills paid for. I'm pretty sure anything he has to say on why he has lost interest could be of little benefit, purely because he sounds like when he's backed into a corner he will throw as many emotional and hurtful roundhouses as he can.

It's sad reading this story, I'm sorry OP but based on what you have told us I don't think he loves you! that's hard to say and I'm sure very hard to hear. The relationship he has with his own son is very sad to hear too! It's not normal to not want to see your child opening their Santa presents. Is there any chance he's depressed, is he uninterested or has he lost passion for everything in life?

evalp

Hey all
I find it very strange because I understand why it seems like he doesn't love me but hes always found it difficult to express. His own family will say that they don't know him very well even though he visits daily. His sisters ask how I put up with the silence because he is a silent person. Initially what attracted me to him was that I got to see the sides to him that nobody else could. I've asked him to leave and he has fought his corner, he does not want to go. I just don't know if its because he has it so easy here or because he loves us and doesn't want to go. Either way he has to go I do know that

zoeybelle

Hey op, just wanted to say what you are going through is one of the hardest most stressful times (I have seen it firsthand) and tell you what a courageous person you are for sticking with it. Your story has really struck a cord with me and I'm rooting for you/sending good vibes :-)

Stavro Mueller

evalp wrote: »

Hey all
I find it very strange because I understand why it seems like he doesn't love me but he's always found it difficult to express. His own family will say that they don't know him very well even though he visits daily. His sisters ask how I put up with the silence because he is a silent person. Initially what attracted me to him was that I got to see the sides to him that nobody else could. I've asked him to leave and he has fought his corner, he does not want to go. I just don't know if its because he has it so easy here or because he loves us and doesn't want to go. Either way he has to go I do know that

Personally I'm finding it hard to find signs of ways in which he does love you. Love isn't just expressed in words - it's expressed in the little things people people do for each other. He's not chipping in with the bills, he doesn't buy things for his son, he thinks so little of you he ignores your calls and texts, doesn't want sex with you... He's not quite so silent when it comes to talking to anyone but you - you're supposed to be his life partner and his closet friend! I read a lot into the times when you socialise and the lengths he goes to to ignore you. Turning his back on you is sheer ignorance, pure and simple. Seeking out the company of strangers sounds like him doing his level best to avoid being alone with you or feeling obliged to have sex in the hotel.

I'm sorry but that isn't love. It's someone who has has been going through the motions and doing enough to keep the home comforts coming his way. Of course he's not going to leave. Where has he to go? Back to his parents? Into a house share? Into an apartment which he'll have to pay for with the money he has refused to spend on the two people he supposedly loves dearly. I wonder did you fall in love with the challenge of dealing with this human ice bucket as much as anything else? I'm wondering are you over-compensating in your head and seeing things that aren't there?

Hopefully he's going to go soon but if he isn't, set an ultimatum and back that up with the male relatives/friends I suggested.

LegacyUser

Relationships are a two way street, and you seem to be a single mother who is in love with somebody who from what you have described is not in love with you at all. He treats you like a piece of dirt.
You say your son was planned but yet when your partner has to look after him him he can't be arsed and sends him to the mother.
You pay the bills, buy all the food, and he contributes nothing. In this case yous should have a joint account which you both contribute to for food, bills, and outgoings so that one of you is not left high and dry at the end of each month.
He sounds like a spoilt sulky child rather than a guy with a responsibilities !