Too soon to ask if we are exclusive?

LegacyUser

We have been dating for about six weeks…at least twice per week (usually mid-week and weekend). He’s introduced me to his two best friends (and he’d obviously told them about me before I actually met them) and I’ve also met most of his family. If he has a guy’s night out, he’ll always ring/text me at about 9am the next morning (which I take to mean that there’s no girl in his bed). He's also invited me to events a month or two down the line. I’ve been playing it very cool because I was hurt so badly by the last guy so I’m wondering if I’m the one that needs to tell him that I’d like to be exclusive. Maybe he’s afraid of asking me in case I’ll say no.

So I guess I'm asking if I should bring the subject up at all? Unless it is specifically said that we are exclusive with each other then I have to assume that we are not. I assumed this with the last guy I dated and I've learnt my lesson the hard way.

LegacyUser

Sorry, I should have added that I am 33 and he is 35.

giggle84

Wary Girl wrote: »

He’s introduced me to his two best friends... and I’ve also met most of his family... He's also invited me to events a month or two down the line.

Sounds like he either wants to be exclusive or thinks you already are! I don't think there's a set amount of time that has to pass before you can ask if you're exclusive, every relationship is different. What's the worst that can happen if you ask him?!

bee06

You don't have to make a big declaration of love to him. Just say you really enjoy spending time with him and you're not really interested in seeing anyone else and you want to see if your are on the same page.

tinz18

I would just ask OP. What's the harm? You sound like you're not seeing anyone else and by the sounds of it he's unlikely to be seeing someone else but if it gives you peace of mind you might as well ask what the story is. Btw I had the same past experience with an ex implying we were exclusive without that being the case (I was kicking myself for my naivety)- but don't judge the new guy by your past experiences- there's plenty of guys who assume that ye're exclusive once ye're seeing each other regularly (my bf being one).

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. Normally I would just let it develop but I misjudged the last guy so badly that I'm second guessing my own judgement now. I'm not seeing anyone else and he's made it clear that he hasn't seen anyone since we first slept together. I'm just at the point where I'm starting to let down my walls and fall for him and tbh I'm terrified.

Shrap

Wary Girl wrote: »

I'm just at the point where I'm starting to let down my walls and fall for him and tbh I'm terrified.

If he's worth falling for, then he's worth telling that to - perhaps without the "falling for" part just yet, but definitely that you're terrified of feeling more for him without knowing that it's exclusive....

Sounds good for you OP - nice to hear a "problem" like yours! (not that it's not a problem....jaysus, I spent months not telling my wonderful bf how I felt. Pure fear!)

Littlekittylou

Wary Girl wrote: »

We have been dating for about six weeks…at least twice per week (usually mid-week and weekend). He’s introduced me to his two best friends (and he’d obviously told them about me before I actually met them) and I’ve also met most of his family. If he has a guy’s night out, he’ll always ring/text me at about 9am the next morning (which I take to mean that there’s no girl in his bed). He's also invited me to events a month or two down the line. I’ve been playing it very cool because I was hurt so badly by the last guy so I’m wondering if I’m the one that needs to tell him that I’d like to be exclusive. Maybe he’s afraid of asking me in case I’ll say no.

So I guess I'm asking if I should bring the subject up at all? Unless it is specifically said that we are exclusive with each other then I have to assume that we are not. I assumed this with the last guy I dated and I've learnt my lesson the hard way.

I ask straight off the bat.:o

Irish_Elect_Eng

Surely this "exclusive" thing is an American import, where it is common for younger adults and teens to play the field dating widely and in parallel, that this is a cultural norm.

I had always assumed that anyone that I was dating was exclusive. I only ever dated a new girl/woman if I had decided that the last person that I was out with was not a prospect for a long term relationship.

Is it common in Ireland for people to date/sleep multiple partners at the same time, trying them out for an extended period of time? Or is that an exception to the rule?

strobe

Irish_Elect_Eng wrote: »

Surely this "exclusive" thing is an American import, where it is common for younger adults and teens to play the field dating widely and in parallel, that this is a cultural norm.

I had always assumed that anyone that I was dating was exclusive. I only ever dated a new girl/woman if I had decided that the last person that I was out with was not a prospect for a long term relationship.

Is it common in Ireland for people to date/sleep multiple partners at the same time, trying them out for an extended period of time? Or is that an exception to the rule?

The times they are a changin', thank fvck.

You make it sound so bad.

How well can you know another human being after 6 weeks? In particular when they are in the "I really want this person to like me so I'll (subconsciously) angle things in the way that will make that happen" stage.

Nah. Things are changing, even in Ireland. Brave new world, thankfully.

6 weeks!? Yes, that's enough time to know someone well enough to know you want to put that amount of emotional and everything else commitment into them. Perfectly adequate amount of time to really know someone so well that you can decide you want to basically be with them (excluding all others, the other billions in the world, billions...) for years or potentially decades. You and them.

Yeah things are changing. I'm not sure if it's from america, or just a natural evolution, but it's long overdue.

Littlekittylou

strobe wrote: »

Yeah things are changing. I'm not sure if it's from america, or just a natural evolution, but it's long overdue.

Well they certainly will not be changing for me.


It's an individual choice though.

SterlingArcher

Wary Girl wrote: »

Sorry, I should have added that I am 33 and he is 35.

Play it cool, don't be a man trap.

pookie82

SterlingArcher wrote: »

Play it cool, don't be a man trap.

Don't "play" anything.

On your next date ask if he's seeing anyone else or if he would like you two to be exclusive.

It's simple and straightforward and games are not even necessary here.

Riskymove

strobe wrote: »

6 weeks!? Yes, that's enough time to know someone well enough to know you want to put that amount of emotional and everything else commitment into them. Perfectly adequate amount of time to really know someone so well that you can decide you want to basically be with them (excluding all others, the other billions in the world, billions...) for years or potentially decades. You and them.

TBH you seem to be equating seeing someone exclusively as being a long term (or indeed any) commitment

they are two different things imo

strobe

Riskymove wrote: »

TBH you seem to be equating seeing someone exclusively as being a long term (or indeed any) commitment

they are two different things imo

I'm not really. But the fact is if you're exclusive you're off the market. It is a commitment, for however long. And I just think it's a good thing that for a lot of people it's no longer the default, start seeing someone and right off the bat you rule out seeing anyone else, that's all I'm saying.

Each to their own like, I'm not opposed to people being exclusive right from the get go, or after a week, or whatever, if that's what they want to do, if that's what works for them. But people should no longer presume everyone thinks like that, and shouldn't necessarily think it means the person isn't interested in a longer term thing if they don't. And there's equally nothing wrong with not going that route, not committing to exclusivity with someone you basically don't even know, while ruling out even getting to know anyone else, regardless of how perfect they may be for you, in a romantic/sexual context.

So OP, just casually bring it up with him. "So Bob, what's the craic with us? You seeing anyone else?" but if he is, it doesn't necessarily mean he isn't mad about you, or he isn't open to being in an exclusive relationship with you.

But yeah definitely bring it up, it's a perfectly fine thing to ask someone.

beks101

I brought it up in a jokey way with my OH after a month or two.

Brought it up one morning as we were lying in bed..."ah I should go and get ready, I have a hot date to get to " and it sort of went from there. Both of us knew at that stage there was no-one else but it's important to have the conversation anyway, start things off from a template of honesty and trust between the two of you.

Merkin

Shrap wrote: »

If he's worth falling for, then he's worth telling that to - perhaps without the "falling for" part just yet, but definitely that you're terrified of feeling more for him without knowing that it's exclusive....

Sounds good for you OP - nice to hear a "problem" like yours! (not that it's not a problem....jaysus, I spent months not telling my wonderful bf how I felt. Pure fear!)

Me too Was a total ice queen because my little heart had been broken before, took me some time to defrost! The FEAR!

Have the chat OP.