Husband Wants to Give Away My Laptop

Elly_Welly

I got married 2 months ago. My husband’s parents are divorced and not terribly well-off. His father works as a security guard and his mother is a recovering alcoholic (but hasn’t relapsed for a number of months). While they aren’t rolling in money, they have enough to afford they own apartments and living expenses. A few weeks ago, my husband asked if he could give his mother a loan out of our wedding gifts in order to pay off her mortgage more quickly. I agreed.

We had an incident where my husband suggested giving a new iPad I got from my parents for my birthday to his mom. I was surprised and replied “no… I use it!” and he said “yeah, the problem is you use it took much”, only partly joking, but he dropped it.
Yesterday, he asked me to give my laptop to his mother, as hers was becoming slow. At first, I reluctantly agreed- I haven’t used it for a few months, as I usually use his. However I have been thinking of going back to study a degree and still feel when I use his laptop that it’s ‘his’. I also write freelance and his laptop doesn’t have Microsoft office software. I told him today that I changed my mind and would rather not give them my laptop. He was clearly unimpressed, saying that “we’re family now” and that “these things belong to everyone”. I feel quite torn- on the one hand, I don’t want to cause issues so soon in our marriage (this have been a bit rocky in general because he’s been quite controlling- telling me what to eat, how to spend my time, to make phone calls to certain people etc) but at the same time I just feel very uncomfortable about giving my laptop to his mother.

I should probably note, my husband manages all of our finances (paying rent, bills, joint bank account etc) because we are living abroad and the local language is native to him.

Penny Tration

Why the hell should you give away your belongings to his mother?! Your stuff is not 'everyone's,' it's yours, possibly his.

If he's that concerned, he can give her HIS laptop!

Giving money from your wedding gifts is bad enough, but it's time to put your foot down.

m'lady

Absolutely do not allow this, as the previous poster suggested- let him give his mother his laptop. I'd also be watching his controlling towards you, but then I think you already see that? Was he as controlling before the wedding?

Elly_Welly

Thing is, he does have a better laptop- more modern etc. It doesn't make sense to give away his and for both of us to use mine, which is significantly less 'fancy', but I just can't part with mine- my parents bought it for me, I used it throughout college and it's choc full of my writings etc. I tried to reason that it was no good to her anyway- it's completely programmed in English (which she doesn't speak) and needs an Irish adapter (of which I only have one).

I noticed signs of being controlling when we were dating, but we're from a traditional culture where dating is very short lived (we 'dated' for a few months, and 2 months after the engagement we were married). He has acknowledged his controlling side to an extent, but not fully. Like one of his friends is an amateur photographer and took photos for our wedding. He asked if he could upload these to his professional facebook page and my husband agreed. However, when my husband's friends in work commented that I was a 'beautiful bride' he asked that any pictures of me be removed. He read somewhere that it's unhealthy to drink directly after eating and when I did last night he stared at me angrily and asked why I don't listen to him and only seemed to back down when I started crying. These are just two examples, I have quite a few.

Things have been difficult, but within less than a month of our wedding I found out that I'm pregnant and don't see many options. My family lives in Ireland.

Op i find this quite worrying.
I have no problem with joint finances but it's a basic thing to be able to access your own finances. Do you look at bank statements? Would you have any way of knowing if he suddenly gave all your money to his mother, for example? What if you needed to get home to your family in an emergency and didn't have time to consult him on it, would you have free access to emergency money?

Your laptop is your outlet to the outside world outside of his control - you can post and browse without his knowing and if you say he is controlling, this is something important for you to keep.

It may seem a small thing, but one small thing after another may lead you down a road where you wake up one day and wonder just how you got here

If he is controlling in general i would think about addressing this in a conversation with him? Is that possible or have you done this

nc19

Elly_Welly wrote:

“these things belong to everyoneâ€. .

they really dont

Elly_Welly wrote:

we are living abroad and the local language is native to him.

enough said so!

Elly_Welly

bluewolf wrote: »

Op i find this quite worrying.
I have no problem with joint finances but it's a basic thing to be able to access your own finances. Do you look at bank statements? Would you have any way of knowing if he suddenly gave all your money to his mother, for example? What if you needed to get home to your family in an emergency and didn't have time to consult him on it, would you have free access to emergency money?

I probably should pay more attention to finances than I do. My wages just go into the account and he leaves money for me in the kitchen before he leaves for work if I say I need to buy anything. I still have an account in Ireland, which he wanted me to transfer over (some 10,000 euros). He seems to have forgotten about this money recently though.

bluewolf wrote: »

Your laptop is your outlet to the outside world outside of his control - you can post and browse without his knowing and if you say he is controlling, this is something important for you to keep.

We have a very strict internet filter, so I don't have much internet access at home. I'm accessing Boards from work, but generally 90% of this site's content would be blocked. He asked me to enter all the passwords to my email etc when we got married, which is why I usually use my work email for registering for anything. I want to use my laptop for writing, which I used to do a lot in Ireland, without feeling like he might read it.

I talked with him numerous times about being controlling, but it usually ends with him emphasising that he just cares about me - which I really don't doubt. I just think that how he expresses his love is quite damaging for our relationship.

Penny Tration

Elly_Welly wrote: »

<Snip>

Elly, controlling you is NOT a way of expressing love, quite the opposite.

I know you care about him and you're only recently married, but the guy has all your passwords, has sites blocked, reduced you to tears just because you had a drink after dinner, gives away your belongings, tells you what to eat - he's abusing you.

Elly this is a bit more worrying.
Demanding all your money, cutting off contact, controlling passwords to snoop on you - this isn't okay.
I know you're just married but i think you need a long hard look at where this is going and if you're happy spending your life getting pocket money and everything else controlled. It's not a sign of love, it's abusive
Whatever else happens, i think you need to set up your own bank account - I'm sure there are English speaking online ones - and get your money paid into it, refuse to handover your laptop, and change all your passwords without giving him the new ones.

Elly_Welly

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Elly, controlling you is NOT a way of expressing love, quite the opposite.

I know you care about him and you're only recently married, but the guy has all your passwords, has sites blocked, reduced you to tears just because you had a drink after dinner, gives away your belongings, tells you what to eat - he's abusing you.

To be honest, the past few months have been difficult. There have been times that I've seriously considered just walking away from it all and going 'home' but I had a huge falling out with my family when I got married and now feel like there's no going back. Part of me feels like I've made my bed and now I must lie in it, and some people are saying that it'll get easier when we have kids, but at 23 I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life like this.

Penny Tration

Elly_Welly wrote: »

To be honest, the past few months have been difficult. There have been times that I've seriously considered just walking away from it all and going 'home' but I had a huge falling out with my family when I got married and now feel like there's no going back. Part of me feels like I've made my bed and now I must sleep in it, and some people are saying that it'll get easier when we have kids, but at 23 I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life like this.

Oh, you poor thing, you're only my age.

Did you fall out with your parents because you were getting married?

I think you're wrong when you think you can't go back to them. This man is abusive. Your family, no matter what falling out you had, will want you to be safe and happy, and you're neither.

Email someone in your family, do it as soon as possible. Tell them what this man is doing and ask for help. I can guarantee that they'll help. They love you and want the best for you - he doesn't. He's using you as a cash cow.

Your family will be happy to take you back if you come back, I'm sure, give them a call and explain you're not happy.
You're not on your own and you have the money to get a place back in Ireland if that's what you decide.
Without meaning to sound too cynical, it'll be a lot easier before you have a child to travel without them. Any access can be worked out afterwards.

Penny Tration

Oh and Elly - email them from work, not from home. Don't take any risks of this man seeing that email.

highly1111

I'm not going to say much. But access that €10,000, buy a plane ticket and get out of that marriage.

This is what we call a very very slippery slope.....

Elly_Welly

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Did you fall out with your parents because you were getting married?

I think you're wrong when you think you can't go back to them. This man is abusive. Your family, no matter what falling out you had, will want you to be safe and happy, and you're neither.

Email someone in your family, do it as soon as possible. Tell them what this man is doing and ask for help. I can guarantee that they'll help. They love you and want the best for you - he doesn't. He's using you as a cash cow.

I fell out with my parents about moving away. They wanted me to stay in Ireland and felt I was too young to get married and don't particularly care for the country I moved to.

I really want to try making things work- I've made plenty bad decisions in my life, and can't stand letting everyone down again. Also, I still believe that this marriage has a lot of potential. Oftentimes my husband even asks me to be more assertive and tell him what I want- perhaps I just need to put my foot down more. He didn't marry me for money- he earns a lot more than I do and even offered to finance a year out for me to study. I think his parents have just been putting him under pressure to support him and are quite selfish people in general (especially his mother, partly as a result of her alcoholism and not caring about other peoples' feelings).

bluewolf wrote: »

Your family will be happy to take you back if you come back, I'm sure, give them a call and explain you're not happy.
You're not on your own and you have the money to get a place back in Ireland if that's what you decide.
Without meaning to sound too cynical, it'll be a lot easier before you have a child to travel without them. Any access can be worked out afterwards.

That's what's been worrying me a lot. If I did choose to leave, I'd need his written permission to leave with his child and that would never happen.

I'm sure my parents would forgive me in the end, but I just desperately want to make things work.

ABajaninCork

Oh dear. Alarm bells ringing all over the place...

Don't give the laptop to his Mum. If she's so desperate for one, either he buys her a cheapie or gives her his.

I would have a serious word about the controlling and bullying behaviour. Choose a time when he's calm and talk to him. Tell him this is not how you were brought up, and this is not acceptable to you.

Get another bank account and pay your wages into that. A working woman should always have her own money...

Oh - and I DEFINITELY wouldn't give him the 10k. Fcuk that - he didn't earn the money, so he get nix unless you say so. If you can, get another bank account, and don't give him the details.

Is there any way you can get out? I'd also be telling my family the full strength. This situation doesn't sound good, and I'm afraid it won't get better. Particularly after the baby's born....

I wish you lots of luck - you're going to need it!

ABajaninCork

bluewolf wrote: »

Your family will be happy to take you back if you come back, I'm sure, give them a call and explain you're not happy.
You're not on your own and you have the money to get a place back in Ireland if that's what you decide.
Without meaning to sound too cynical, it'll be a lot easier before you have a child to travel without them. Any access can be worked out afterwards.

Absolutely this!! Leg it before you're too heavily pregnant and can't move...

highly1111

Elly_Welly wrote: »

I fell out with my parents about moving away. They wanted me to stay in Ireland and felt I was too young to get married and don't particularly care for the country I moved to.

I really want to try making things work- I've made plenty bad decisions in my life, and can't stand letting everyone down again. Also, I still believe that this marriage has a lot of potential. Oftentimes my husband even asks me to be more assertive and tell him what I want- perhaps I just need to put my foot down more. He didn't marry me for money- he earns a lot more than I do and even offered to finance a year out for me to study. I think his parents have just been putting him under pressure to support him and are quite selfish people in general (especially his mother, partly as a result of her alcoholism and not caring about other peoples' feelings).


That's what's been worrying me a lot. If I did choose to leave, I'd need his written permission to leave with his child and that would never happen.

I'm sure my parents would forgive me in the end, but I just desperately want to make things work.

You're still pregnant. You don't need his written permission.

Don't spend decades unhappy because you're worried you'll have some egg on your face and because you've made bad choices in the past. People who leave abusive marriages are admired. Not ridiculed. No one will say "I told you so". This is about you and your baby. Please mind yourself.

Elly_Welly

Thanks to everyone for their responses. I will need to have a serious talk with him tonight to discuss just how dire the situation has become for me. Maybe when he realises this, he will feel a real need to change his ways...

RossFixxxed

Elly, this is a complete mess to be totally frank with you. You keep posting things like "maybe ... he will change his ways" etc, but I can see in the tone of your posts that you don't think so at all.

Love is not controlling someone's every move, giving away what little things they have, restricting your movements... That's jail. Or an abusive partner.

This is a horror show to be totally blunt. Whether you burned bridges or not, look into coming home, speak to your family I'm sure they don't want to see you suffer. I have seen people in this situation before and it ended so badly I don't want to post what happened on here as it is very upsetting. Suffice to say it was an absolute atrocity.

EVEN IF someone did look down you leaving, there's a couple of things: That person doesn't really care about you or is blindingly stupid. AND who cares what people thing, giving away decades of your life to complete misery is far, far worse than a few nosy gits!

secman

Am I correct to assume from the various info that you "know" your husband approx 6 months ? Based on" short dating" period, short engagement and a few months married. Honestly don't think you could have possibly really known your husband and really only getting to know him now. As he is showing his true colours now that he has you almost firmly where he wants you. Really feel that you are getting alarm bells yourself, will be much more difficult to leave once the baby is born.

The total control issue is very worrying.

nc19

Elly_Welly wrote:

To be honest, the past few months have been difficult. There have been times that I've seriously considered just walking away from it all and going 'home' but I had a huge falling out with my family when I got married and now feel like there's no going back. Part of me feels like I've made my bed and now I must lie in it, and some people are saying that it'll get easier when we have kids, but at 23 I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life like this.

I would say your family would be only too happy to have you back. I'd hazard a guess that the reason they fell out with you is cos they could see what kind of man he was from the beginning.

Kids will NOT make this situation any better. Get out now before things get physical.

kjl

Elly_Welly wrote: »

<Snip > No need to quote entire posts

You know you can download open office for free.

Sleepless and Manic

Elly_Welly wrote: »

I fell out with my parents about moving away. They wanted me to stay in Ireland and felt I was too young to get married and don't particularly care for the country I moved to.

I'm sure my parents would forgive me in the end, but I just desperately want to make things work.

To be honest I think your parents have already forgiven you and would welcome you back in a heartbeat if you expressed a desire to come home. They love you.

Dont stay in an unhealthy situation just because you dont want to admit your parents were right.

power pants

nc19 wrote: »

Get out now before things get physical.

that will happen 100% guaranteed

Just leave asap

ger vallely

Hi Elly, how do you think your husband would react if you were to tell him you were travelling back to Ireland , for a visit, before the baby is born? He ought to be supportive and encouraging , if you think not then you know there is very definitely something amiss in your being together. The lap top seems to be a symbol for bigger issues in the relationship. Then again, this is just what I , a stranger, takes from reading your posts. You already know, deep down, whether there is a major issue or that you just have to settle in to a different way of life.

Del2005

Elly_Welly wrote: »

To be honest, the past few months have been difficult. There have been times that I've seriously considered just walking away from it all and going 'home' but I had a huge falling out with my family when I got married and now feel like there's no going back. Part of me feels like I've made my bed and now I must lie in it, and some people are saying that it'll get easier when we have kids, but at 23 I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life like this.

The people telling you it'll get easier with children are talking BS. If he's this controlling with only you he'll be a hundred times worst when children are involved. You need to confront and stop him now or get on a plane when you can.

Plenty of people have made bad decisions in their life, don't make one bad choice force you to stay where you and your children will be controlled forever. Even if your family do turn their back on you would you be better off in a country where you speak the language, have friends and a fairly generous social support system or in a country where you can't speak the language and always looking for a handout from your husband?

Elly_Welly

ger vallely wrote: »

Hi Elly, how do you think your husband would react if you were to tell him you were travelling back to Ireland , for a visit, before the baby is born? He ought to be supportive and encouraging , if you think not then you know there is very definitely something amiss in your being together. The lap top seems to be a symbol for bigger issues in the relationship. Then again, this is just what I , a stranger, takes from reading your posts. You already know, deep down, whether there is a major issue or that you just have to settle in to a different way of life.

This issue arose recently and he did say that if I really wanted to go, we could go together or else I could go on my own if I preferred. However he made the (very valid) point that I need to make a decision on what I'm doing here (continue working, start studying etc) before heading off. In that respect, he's been very reasonable. Personally I'm reluctant to go home because I already know that my siblings and extended family hold some very hard feelings towards me, my brother messaging me the day after my wedding to call me a 'selfish b___" for what I 'did to our parents'. I don't want to go home because of this.

I think that perhaps my posts aren't giving a completely fair picture of him. I do know that his actions come from a place of him wanting to make our lives together better.

I sought help from a high ranking member of the religious community we're affiliated with, who spoke with him and things improved. However soon after the controlling behaviour started creeping back again. He now refuses to discuss our issues with outsiders because he feels they'll only side with me and that we need to sort our problems by ourselves.

With morning sickness and general exhaustion, I just haven't had the will to stand my ground lately, which even bothers him. He told me he doesn't want to change or mould me, and that I needed to figure out what are my goals in life and fight for them. But I'm just tired, perhaps depressed. I don't know if it's the hormones or the situation, but I find myself in tears on a daily basis.

Stheno

Are you living in the likes of Saudi or a similarly strict Muslim country?

ger vallely

Another thing Elly, when your child is born, how do you think you would cope if your husband was just as controlling with and about the child? You are already responsible for the baby you are carrying and I imagine you will have it's best interests at heart. You have to stay strong in whatever you do. It's easy for us here behind our keyboards to tell you 'leave him.' But you are there, living that life. You know the extent of the control already. How will that magnify when a child is born?

Elly_Welly

Stheno wrote: »

Are you living in the likes of Saudi or a similarly strict Muslim country?

No, we're not Muslim.
I'd prefer not to go into details on where I am, as any relatives reading this will be able to guess that it's me.

LegacyUser

Elly_Welly wrote: »

He read somewhere that it's unhealthy to drink directly after eating and when I did last night he stared at me angrily and asked why I don't listen to him and only seemed to back down when I started crying. These are just two examples, I have quite a few. .

WTF !!!!! where did he read that rubbish ?? Has he forgotten you are pregnant ?? So you need to be drinking lots of fluids during your pregnancy

Elly_Welly wrote: »

. He asked me to enter all the passwords to my email etc when we got married, which is why I usually use my work email for registering for anything. I want to use my laptop for writing, which I used to do a lot in Ireland, without feeling like he might read it.

I talked with him numerous times about being controlling, but it usually ends with him emphasising that he just cares about me - which I really don't doubt. I just think that how he expresses his love is quite damaging for our relationship.

Thats rubbish, if he really cared for and trusted you, he wouldn't need this information. He wants complete control over you, the fact that you don't have access to your own cash is nuts!

You only know each other 6 months and you are already married!! cultural reasons or not you really don't him at all.

Penny Tration

Elly, I don't think you're painting an unfair picture of your husband. You had your reasons for marriage, and I'm sure he has many good, redeeming qualities.

The issue is though - does the good outweigh the bad? It doesn't sound as though it does, at all.

The fact that he refuses to speak to anyone aside from you about the issues, because he knows they'll take your side, speaks volumes. He KNOWS he's wrong, he knows he'll be told to treat you properly, and so he refuses to go into a situation where he can be told he's wrong.

Do you want your child to grow up being told what to eat, what to wear, who to talk to, what to say, having absolutely no mind of their own?

ger vallely

You sound worn out! There is so much going on in your life right now, you poor thing. Besides a person involved in your religious life, is there a counsellor you could meet with? Pregnancy plays havoc with the body and mind and you really do need so much support right now.

tinkerbell

Elly_Welly wrote: »

No, we're not Muslim.
I'd prefer not to go into details on where I am, as any relatives reading this will be able to guess that it's me.

Then why would you need his written permission to leave once you have your baby?

OP, I feel sick reading your posts. Your situation sounds horrific. Regardless of your family falling out with you, they still love you and will only want the best for you. I guarantee that if you tell them what's happened, they will want you to come back home.

You are in an abusive relationship. I know it's hard to see it but already there's 3 pages of responses in only 2 hours and everybody else can see it. He controls your whole life, tells you what to do, where to go, what to eat, wants all your money, etc. You do know why he wants the €10k right? Because then you are completely dependent on him and you will have no way to escape.

Him demanding your personal passwords for everything is also completely insane - he has no right and I can guarantee that it is not coming from a good place that he wants those - it's so he can spy on you and control you.

You're only 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. You made a mistake marrying him but people make mistakes, it happens. You can make it right by high tailing it out of there. Do you really want to spend the next 60+ years controlled by him? It's only get worse. Protect yourself and your baby, you both deserve better.

Elly_Welly

It's just such a mess- only 2 months married, I feel like such a failure.

I've considered abortion to be able to leave everything behind, but not only is this totally against my religious beliefs, I won't even be allowed to do so because I'm married (making me an invalid candidate in this country). I feel terrible for even considering it, but it seems the only way to get a clean break.

Looking back, I should have seen it more clearly. On one of our first dates he told me that I shouldn't sip a drink during a meal and I found that bizarre. After a while he asked me to delete my facebook, delete any photos of myself online, etc. When I started to cover my hair after marriage he made the comment that I still looked 'too good' with it. More recently he's questioned my decision to join the local library.

There are some women in my community, but I know they'll just tell their husbands to talk with him and he'll be extremely upset with me for sharing our issues with outsiders. I'm going to try talk with him, or even write a letter with all the things I don't have the courage to say in person.

Elly_Welly

tinkerbell wrote: »

Then why would you need his written permission to leave once you have your baby?

We are in the Middle East, but most countries also have this rule that the father needs to provide permission before taking his children abroad.

Neyite

Elly_Welly wrote: »

No, we're not Muslim.
I'd prefer not to go into details on where I am, as any relatives reading this will be able to guess that it's me.

I think that your parents had valid concerns that you didn't see. And are waiting for you to call them. Could you ask them to concoct an illness you need to travel home for a few days for? Then come home, speak to someone in Womans Aid. Before the baby is born.

This is their checklist for abuse: How many can you tick?

We have listed some warning signs below to help you make sense of your situation. Any one of the following signs is serious. You do not need to experience several, or all of them for your relationship to be abusive.

• You are afraid of your partner.
• You are constantly 'walking on eggshells' because of his mood swings.
• You spend your time working out what kind of mood he is in and the focus is always on his needs.
• He loses his temper easily and over minor things.
• He has hit you or almost hit you and/or your children.
• Your partner has been abusive in a previous relationship.
• He criticises your family and friends and/or makes it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
• He calls you names and threatens you and/or your children.
• He is jealous and accuses you of flirting and having affairs.
• He regularly criticises or undermines you in front of other people - including about the way you look, dress, and/or your abilities as a mother.
• Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and he makes the decisions in the relationship.
• You find it hard to get time on your own. When you do spend time away from him, he demands to know where you were and who you were with.
• He controls your access to basic essentials such as the car, the family finances, food, the telephone and internet.
• He has forced you to do something that you really did not want to do.
• He has forced you to have sex with him or with other people. He has made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with.
• He has threatened to have you deported because of your immigration status.
• He tries to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; what you can wear; what you watch or listen to on the radio or television.
• He demands to know the passwords to you email account and social networking pages.

None of the above is normal or right in a relationship. It suits his purposes to have you estranged from your family. Its textbook isolation to further control you. Abusive people like this very very rarely change. And if they do, its over years and years of therapy away from a relationship. This wont get better by a sit down chat. You need to leave.

LegacyUser

Elly_Welly wrote: »

However he made the (very valid) point that I need to make a decision on what I'm doing here (continue working, start studying etc) before heading off.

Why? Are there deadlines passing while you might be away? Can you only leave or come back if you can declare at the border that you're a student or working? Any other reason it needs to be settled? I doubt it and it sound to me like he suspects you're thinking of leaving and he wants you to feel like you're anchored there so you have to come back.

Ignore what your brother said, he's just one person and in the same conversation where you tell me he was wrong, he can apologise. In general in fact, I'd put the relationship with your family out of your mind for now, your safety and future happiness come first and they can row in behind your decisions. You imagine if you return it's an admission of failure, but it's not, it'd be an act of courage and strength to turn back and get yourself somewhere safe.

If you decide to stay, start getting proactive about managing your affairs - say no to giving away your laptop or anything else, open a bank account in your own name and have your wages paid to that, then you can leave money for him in the mornings when he says he needs something.

Right now, you're allowing him to control everything and you're allowing your family's feelings to decide what you might do about it. If you don't change one or both of those things *yourself*, things won't improve and will likely get worse.

emo72

Don't discuss anything. Just get back to Ireland and then discuss things. You need backup.

JeffKenna

I really think it's gone beyond taking to your husband. Look - everyone in life makes mistakes, you happened to make one in getting married and this is compounded by the fact it seems your parents/family were trying to express this but some argument developed.

You need to swallow your pride and reach out to your family now. That's the only advise I can give. Best of luck.

Stheno

Elly_Welly wrote: »

We are in the Middle East, but most countries also have this rule that the father needs to provide permission before taking his children abroad.

The middle east is very different from eg europe which is why I asked you the question I did.

I think you seriously need to consider getting out of that relationship

Penny Tration

Thinking back on the laptop issue - seems to me that he wants you to give away your laptop/ipad purely so that he can prevent you from having access to the outside world.

Elly, you are absolutely not a failure, and please don't think that. You've made mistakes, who hasn't? We all have, and we learn from them.

What you need to learn is this - if he loved you, he would do everything in his power to make you happy. He's not making you happy. He's making himself happy. He doesn't love you, he loves himself.

You deserve love, and I promise, your family will provide that love if you ask for help.

SterlingArcher

Elly you sound sad. You think he is going to turn around some day soon and be a ray of sunshine, nope.And when this child is born, his controlling is going to get even worse. Till you no longer recognise yourself.

You make plans to come back to Ireland and visit your parents. You want to see them before baby is born as you will be way too busy. and don't ever go back.

Stheno

Elly_Welly wrote: »

When I started to cover my hair after marriage he made the comment that I still looked 'too good' with it. More recently he's questioned my decision to join the local library.

This is bizarre and way over the top

Elly_Welly

I feel very emotional reading these comments. It's been a long time since I heard an 'Irish' response to all these issues I've been facing, and it's really a breath of fresh air. Thank you.

Penny Tration

Elly_Welly wrote: »

I feel very emotional reading these comments. It's been a long time since I heard an 'Irish' response to all these issues I've been facing, and it's really a breath of fresh air. Thank you.

Just look out for yourself.

If this many people, none of whom know you, care so much that they're advising you, you'll find family who care enough, too.

Neyite

I'm old enough to be your mum. And I'm a mum. I would much rather a daughter of mine saw sense within 2 months of marriage, and left, than stay with him a miserable decade of fear out of a misguided attempt to make an abusive marriage work. Yes, there are some things that you work on in a marriage. Some things that take two people making an effort to resolve. If you've had an otherwise normal close relationship with your parents apart from disagreeing about this relationship then I'd put next months wages on them waiting the last couple of months for a text or email coming from you saying 'you were right, I need to leave. Help.'

I know my parents were. And they were at my door the morning after I rang them.

It's really really important that you dont mention any plans to leave to him, or discuss doubts about your marriage to him or to others in his circle. That would be a very dangerous thing to do.

We all make mistakes op. There's nothing wrong with standing up and saying you made a mistake and you are going to take steps to sort it out.

I actually agree with the advice that you should go to Ireland first THEN write him a letter about the issues. Pretend there is a family illness if he asks and don't bring him

LegacyUser

Have you been in touch with any of your own family since you moved away or have they totally disowned you as a result of this marriage? Have you told them you are pregnant? maybe you should tell your husband you need to go home to see them before you get to a point where you can't travel.

ronjo

I pretty much agree with everyone else and just want to say

Go home, go home go home !