I am such a s**t friend?

LegacyUser

Please read this if u can, I can't make it any smaller without leaving out important bits.

Growing up, I could never understand people or social norms, in primary and secondary school. I ended up being diagnosed with mild aspergers at 17 and I do believe I have undiagnosed depression during that time, due to having problems at home.

I used to be on the sidelines of any group, giving a few words here and there, only times I really spoke up if it was one-on-one conversations. I also had these obsessions due to the aspergers or depression, not anything bad, but just used to obsess over a crush or a hobby, so i think that also hithered making an effort. Actually the one bad one was having suicidal thoughts.

Looking back on it when people used to drop me, not even talk to me and think I was weird, I used to think it was their fault, that they were mean, and that they just didn't get me at all.
I hate myself for it looking back on it now, because a lot of people did make an effort. it wasn't as if they had one look at me (i had body issues too, being chubby and having terrible skin) and didnt even bother, they did try. I feel so s**t looking back on it, because some really did make an effort and I did show appreaciation (I hope) but I am not sur eif it was enough

But I had nothing interesting or smart to bring to the table, and was always second-guessing people, thinking that are only pretending.
So looking back, I understand now, because I hung out with people who were similar to me. I then finally understood why people treated me like that,
because it wasn't as if you hated the person, but it was actually annoying being around someone who just didn't talk much and was socially indept with everything the same as me.

Ever since leaving school, I did meet new people and hung out with them, but I found it hard to sustain the friendship, because as well as moving away for college, they all had their own lives, and i try to text them just for communication but rarely anyway text backs, and when they do, the conversation goes no where because there is nothing to talk about. That and the fact that I have gotten so used to being alone over the years, so there was some element of fear of what happens if I screw up.

The few friends who still stayed in contact from school, I actually thought we were a group together who meet up now and again for nights out, even though they knew each other for years, and only joined in after a while, but the other day i noticed that some of them posted on facebook that they went on a day trip thing together, and I had no clue about this. I keep thinking it was because I was not able to go out during Christmas, and that maybe they have given up asking me, even though I had legit reasons.

That is a thing that I have noticed, that people will easily drop you if there is no history or if you don't have anything interesting to bring to the table, and even though i try my best, i am just too quiet and too much of a loner (not by choice) for my own good.


I hate this, because no one ever texts me apart from family, I have no mates in college, and I hate the fact that it was all my doing, even though it was not intentional.


I mean is there anyway to bounce back from this and find ways to show people I am worth keeping around, or am I just destined to be on my own forever? I must be doing something bad without realizing it, because one relative I knew growing up always had a dislike towards me because of my disorder and actually took pleasure in me barely having any mates, which really upsetted me and made me feel more crap about myself.

Please no judgement an try to real the whole thing if you can, because I am trying to call out for help on this.

Rubberchikken

You are a worthwhile person, and you wrote a very good post btw.

Over the years, even with a diagnoses of mild aspergers, you habve managed to make friends. You can make them again and keep them but it does take effort.

Young people have busy lives and tend to be caught up with their life so i don't think they want to put in all the effort to keep a friendship. It's a two way street, you have to put in an equal amount.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You sound a decent good person who deserves a fair chance.

Good luck

Green Giant

OP, please forget about this mindset of being 'a $hit friend' because it's simply not true.

I've gone through times where I felt that I was bland and uninteresting, but once I was lucky enough to fall into a group of like-minded others, I haven't looked back. Think about the things you enjoy (be it music, sport, whatever takes your fancy) and see if there's a group or organisation which reflects those interests. Such groups are, for the most part, quite accommodating to newcomers and can be a goldmine for beginning friendships to last for years.

So you don't speak up that much? Neither do I. I speak my mind when I feel the need, but I'm not a rent-a-quote either. This is perfectly fine. If you prefer to only speak when you have a point to make instead of always weighing in with opinions just for the sake of it, then don't change. People will always have more respect for someone who articulates their feelings in a well-defined manner than one who doesn't know when to shut up and seemingly likes to argue for the sake of it.

As for the 'friends' who didn't do you the courtesy of an invite to the day trip a few weeks ago - they were rude, simple as. They don't deserve your company so, if they ask you for anything in future, don't say yes unless you absolutely want to.

The relative who ran roughshod over your feelings should be ashamed. Deeply ashamed. You can be glad that, unlike them, you're a genuinely great person with love in your heart.

It's easy to be discouraged, and tbh I probably would be too if I had to go through your unfortunate and undeserved scenario, but be strong. Be true to yourself, make yourself happy over anyone else and, by putting yourself out there, which you are clearly willing to do, you will make real friends. True friends who love you and appreciate you for the fantastic person that you are.

Good luck OP!

Littlekittylou

badfriend wrote: »

I mean is there anyway to bounce back from this and find ways to show people I am worth keeping around, or am I just destined to be on my own forever? I must be doing something bad without realizing it, because one relative I knew growing up always had a dislike towards me because of my disorder and actually took pleasure in me barely having any mates, which really upsetted me and made me feel more crap about myself.

Please no judgement an try to real the whole thing if you can, because I am trying to call out for help on this.

OF COURSE YOU ARE WORTH KEEPING AROUND.

I wish I had all the answers. That person who took pleasure in your hurt was really **** up. Sorry but someone who takes pleasure in the hurt or pain of others is ill.

I did read the whole thing. Every word you wrote was important and I read your story.

**** friends are dishonest and mean and backstabbing and cruel or try and get their own way or whatever. Too cool for school is no friend.

Friendship is not measured by how much you are needed. It's how you are there when people need someone.

Have you ever had a moment when you were really really down??? Like on the bottom. And some one did something small that was just nice for no reason . And you kept going. That is a friend.

Look at you. You have suffered the slights and unkindness of others and are still the better person. THAT is character.

You have been hurt by people and still are ready to offer your friendship to people.

You are hurt and have taken the hurt as meaning there is something wrong with your worth. The opinions of others is NOT your reality.

I dunno whats gonna happen or have all the answers. But I commend you for reaching out.

Keep reaching out. Maybe there are support groups for people with Aspergers etc? Or people who can help? Or even social groups for peeps with Aspergers etc?

Aspire- The Asperger Syndrome Association of Ireland, Coleraine House, Carmichael Centre, Dublin 7, Ireland runs some social groups.

Here are some groups http://www.aspireireland.ie/index.php?Itemid=123

There are a few in Dublin.

01-8340307 is an inclusive youth group in Finglas.

• Phone: 087 939 1899
• Email: craigtmonaghan@gmail.com is for informal support group for adults it specifies though 'Adults who will speak to other adults'

• Phone: 0404 32528
• Web: http://www.asdi.ie

The above offers days servives for adults with aspergers.


You know getting to college and through school. AMAZING well done you!



People can't imagine what you have been through.


Southside

• Phone: 01 4911473
• Web: http://www.eve.ie
• Email: Tuiscint@eve.ie
• Note: Only available to adults living in South Dublin

• Phone: 01 677 9859
• Web: http://www.the-elbowroom.com

Dublin 7 has occupational therapy and social groups.


It's all on the aspire site anyway.


You know getting through your education with as an aspie is huge. You have achieved a lot. FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF!

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for all your replies, was not expecting such kindness