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How to get out of this

  • 15-02-2015 5:58pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Going anonymous for this as several people know my real identity with boards name.

    So basically about 18 months ago I started a new job in a company that I have been working in for several years. I started with someone I sort of knew, but never really that close. At the time I had a girlfriend, and she was single. Training was 3 weeks long, and was only the 2 of us so I got to know her quite well as we had breaks, lunches etc together. I had always found her quite flirty and interested but of course nothing happened as I was already in a relationship.

    Fast forward about 8 months and me and my ex broke up. I told her about it and she was being nice to me etc. So 2 months later I decided to pluck up the courage to ask her out on a date. She politely said no because her ex had decided to return to Ireland that month cause he loved her too much and missed her. That took me by surprise as she spoke about him hardly at all in the few months we spoke a lot.

    Ok fair enough, usually in these circumstances you can move on, but I work with her and see her every day. Now that I revealed to her that I liked her, she is constantly trying to ask me out during the week (as a friend). I tried to use this to my advantage and ask about one of her friends who I quite like, but got an abrupt answer, and this friend no longer appears at lunch etc.

    So now I am in a situation where I have to come up with an excuse most weeks as to why I can't go out on a friend night out. Pretending that I am busy every night.

    Is there any subtle signs I can give of?

    * I can't just ignore her, our job means that I have to speak to her on a daily basis
    * I really really want to avoid a dreaded heart to heart talk

    Opinions welcomed. Thanks


Comments

  • #2
    LLMMML
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 108 ✭✭LLMMML


    You have been giving signs by making excuses not to meet so far, so I don't think anyone will be able to come up with anything subtle that would give her the message.

    You can either continue to make excuses or have this "heart to heart" which I assume means you telling her you don't really want to be friends with her.

    She sounds a bit of a headwreck. Don't feel bad about the excuses or that they have to be believeable. You don't owe her anything. A simple "sorry I have plans that night" without elaborating is perfectly fine.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Problem wrote: »
    Now that I revealed to her that I liked her, she is constantly trying to ask me out during the week (as a friend). I tried to use this to my advantage and ask about one of her friends who I quite like, but got an abrupt answer, and this friend no longer appears at lunch etc.

    Stringing you along and making sure that you don't get with anyone else so you're still available as an option for her.

    I'd suggest you maintain an appropriate, professional, civil relationship, other than that don't be part of each other's social lives beyond normal work events and certainly don't use her as a conduit to other women. You can also help yourself avoid the going out with her by actually getting busy, which will give you more to think about and ready-made excuses for not being available.


  • #4
    Saralee4
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,077 ✭✭✭Saralee4


    Could it be possible that she realised that she does like you and is too embarrassed to ask for an official date after turning you down but is hoping that you will make a move on her on one of the friend nights?

    I know she's not going a great way about it but she might just want to get a bit more comfortable with you before going on official date.

    Is she still flirting with you? Did she bring up the ex again?

    Not making excuses for her but just trying to figure what her possible motives are.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Saralee4 wrote: »
    Could it be possible that she realised that she does like you and is too embarrassed to ask for an official date after turning you down but is hoping that you will make a move on her on one of the friend nights?

    I know she's not going a great way about it but she might just want to get a bit more comfortable with you before going on official date.

    Is she still flirting with you? Did she bring up the ex again?

    Not making excuses for her but just trying to figure what her possible motives are.

    Hi,

    Most definitely not the case, she is living with the boyfriend after he returned, and from what I can see everything is going well.

    Yes she still flirts with me. I think i'm her back up, but I don't put any effort in with her. She initiates all contact outside work.

    Going to take advice from above and avoid responding to calls and whatsapp.

    Thanks


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