Trapped in my own house

LegacyUser

I used to be such an outgoing guy, always up for a laugh, seriously good sense of humor, easy going.

This has all unfortunately taken a turn for the worst. A couple of years ago I found a new girlfriend, great looking, funny, adventurous and things were fantastic.

We moved in very soon after we go together which was probably my first mistake but it seemed right and logical at the time.

Lately after our child was born and even in the months preceding that, things have gone downhill. All we do now is argue, there is no spark there anymore. We rarely have sex anymore, which is understandable so soon after a baby but when we do it's such a chore.

She's wants to lose all her baby weight but sits on the couch and eats chocolate bars and moans that she's getting fat.

I can't seem to put a foot right anymore. Everything I do is now wrong, too time consuming, unhelpful or annoying. She has absolutely no patience which is starting to rub off on me.

I feel like nowadays I am only a slave in the house.
All my wages go to paying utility bills, food, clothing, rent and whatever else.
As soon as they go in they're gone on. She looks after baby when I'm in work but I do the majority when I'm off. I clean up practically 24/7 so she can't nag at me for that anymore.

So here's the crux. I would love to leave this all behind but I can't afford a twix never mind a new apartment and I don't want to leave our baby behind.
She says she loves me and wants us to be together but my mind is melting on what to do.
I'm not sure if I love her anymore. She has been on anti-depressants for a number of years and I think she's become immune to be perfectly honest.
I also think she has a huge un-diagnosed anxiety disorder which would explain the deal that's made of the smallest of things going wrong.

In saying that, we have also done some amazing things together, trips abroad, we have a child together, we been through the thick of it and we've still come out together on the other side.

I'm utterly depressed these days and find I never even have 20 minutes to do anything by myself.
Lying in bed until 8.30 or 9am on my days off and I'm "a lazy b***ard"
She sits and watches tv for about 3 hours and when I sit down "I'm no help around the house"
I've actually quit drinking so she can't me an alcoholic anymore after meeting her brothers for 2 pints which she organised.

I might organise to meet my mates (whom I haven't seen in months) but something will magically pop up for that day which I can't get out of. But she can go out with hers at a moment's notice.

I've given up fighting my corner and just roll over now. It's not worth the nagging or the fights anymore.

I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.
I'm afraid I'm just going to fade away and just be her slave for the rest of my life and never actually do anything with my life.

It's led my thoughts into a very dark place.

Thanks in advance for the advice.

power pants

"All my wages go to paying utility bills, food, clothing, rent and whatever else."

Like most other parents

She looks after baby when I'm in work but I do the majority when I'm off. I clean up practically 24/7

Like most other parents

"I'm utterly depressed these days and find I never even have 20 minutes to do anything by myself."

poor you


What did you expect? Being part of a family and having a child will lead to massive changes in your life in both financial and time. Perhaps it is time to accept this

Penny Tration

I disagree with power pants.

Some of what you describe - exhaustion, cleaning, no money - is par for the course.

The rest - you can't sit down, you can't sleep in, you can't meet your friends, you're an alcoholic if you have even 2 drinks - that's abuse, plain and simple. she's controlling you and wearing you down day by day.

Please, have a look at www.amen.ie and talk to them. This is not normal behaviour and you do not have to suffer it anymore.

Littlekittylou

power pants wrote: »

"All my wages go to paying utility bills, food, clothing, rent and whatever else."

Like most other parents

She looks after baby when I'm in work but I do the majority when I'm off. I clean up practically 24/7

Like most other parents

"I'm utterly depressed these days and find I never even have 20 minutes to do anything by myself."

poor you


What did you expect? Being part of a family and having a child will lead to massive changes in your life in both financial and time. Perhaps it is time to accept this

That is very very harsh.

Listen it sounds to me like both parties are bringing out the worst in each other.

In saying that, we have also done some amazing things together, trips abroad, we have a child together, we been through the thick of it and we've still come out together on the other side.

Maybe you will again?

I do think you need to accept financially that money goes where it's needed right now.

I think you should both organize as much as you can. Support her wishes for health and everything without nagging. Which is tough I know.

Communicate to her in a non threatening way your issues. AND LISTEN TO HER BECAUSE I GUARANTEE SHE WILL HAVE HER OWN TOO! But ask her to communicate them in a positive way.

Infact a lot of the issue is the way you talk to one another.


Calling you a lazy bastard for lying on is awful of course. But calling you a bastard at all is unacceptable. If she had said 'I need some help in the mornings could you help?. You might have either helped or responded with 'I will help later but I need to rest I work in the week is that ok I promise to pitch in later ?' Imagine if you communicated like that instead of the way you do. She is being abusive and that is not on. You need rest too. Regardless calling names and swearing is just unacceptable. And it's not an environment for a child. Children need proper home training and to be spoken to and to learn how to treat others. This begins before school even.

You need your own space.

You both need to treat each other with common curtsey.

I can tell from the way you talk about her that you and her do not create and environment where adults get along. You both need to calm down and grow up.

Start acting like an adult both of you. Learn how to communicate to each other with respect. Set up a rota of when you each get time alone or with friends. Learn to give each other a break. Stop blaming each other. You guys are on the same team.

Get some counseling it helps.

Also whilst the above post is harsh. Family life is different to single life That does not mean worse. But different. Visualize your family life together in a positive way. Practice mindfulness. People often when visualizing a happy family life prioritize the time alone. They visualize the family life where their alone time is what makes them happy. Visualize spending positive time as a family. Get rid of the tv some evenings. Play together. DO things. GO for walks. Make the most of your time with one another. Get out of the house.

Get organized. Learn to give and take. And be honest stop blaming her for everything. But her calling you names and not letting you have a life is not fair and it is not the way she should behave. She needs to learn to treat you like and adult and with respect it goes both ways.

Saralee4

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

I disagree with power pants.

Some of what you describe - exhaustion, cleaning, no money - is par for the course.

The rest - you can't sit down, you can't sleep in, you can't meet your friends, you're an alcoholic if you have even 2 drinks - that's abuse, plain and simple. she's controlling you and wearing you down day by day.

Please, have a look at www.amen.ie and talk to them. This is not normal behaviour and you do not have to suffer it anymore.

I agree with this post partially but I think she is at home all day and probably needs a break away from the child. you say you think she has an anxiety problem which may be from becoming isolated from adults all day. Does she take part in any outings where there are other mothers around?

She probably assumes that when you come home that you are able to take on more and she can take a break and you are probably thinking when you get home that you want a break. Neither one is wrong. Your both tired.

As far as going out with friends for drinks, that could be a money issue that she worries you will spend or does she get to out with friends ever? Maybe she feels that you going out is not fair if she doesn't get to go out?

Having children brings a big change to a relationship and to your life. You need to adapt. You don't get 'me time'. Sometimes you get so stressed that you forget about your SO's needs and are just so focussed on how your tired and stressed that you feel that you cant do anything. You are both probably feeling like this and taking it out on each other.

You need to sit and have a serious talk. What you want, what you need and what she wants and needs. It might be that you have to arrange to have a lie on, you on a Saturday and her on a Sunday. Maybe you could arrange a night out together? Maybe you could have a night out one week in the month and her the next week in the month. Maybe you could pick one night of the week where you don't do anything when you get home, just relax and she can have one night of the week, the rest of the week you share. Something like that.

I don't think that you don't love her, I think that maybe you are both just finding life difficult and stressful at the moment and are having trouble communicating that with other.

Littlekittylou

It seems to me you have fallen into roles. You as breadwinner her as homemaker. You need to discuss what your expectations are.

You need a life OP. You need to feel appreciated but so does she.

One thing though. The partner often going out to work often forgets the one staying at home does not get adult company. You meet people in work. And she thinks oh he gets to meet others. But You feel its work!

So start thinking of what a positive version of the three of you together looks like. Together time must be positive.

Have a chat about what your expectations are for her role. And get organized!

Say when you sit down to talk about how you want your time that you also want her to have some of her time.

I think the way you say things is important and try to speak more cordially to each other. You are on the same team!

jopax

I can understand how tough it is at the moment but the baby won't be a baby forever.

Things will get easier in that regard, its not always going to be this tough or intense.

I would just say just be very careful that you don't have a second baby with the way things are at the moment.

I do agree you are trapped to a certain degree and there is not a lot you can do about that if you want to stay with the baby.

My advice would be just to hold tight until the baby gets older & things might be different then.

Try to talk to your partner about how you feel, maybe she will try to work on improving things.

You will get through it, just remember nothing lasts forever.

Good luck with it.

Littlekittylou

By the way OP i am not trying to tell you that you should either stay or go just how you might go about things. Your choices are your choices. You know what you feel.

LegacyUser

power pants wrote: »

"All my wages go to paying utility bills, food, clothing, rent and whatever else."

Like most other parents

She looks after baby when I'm in work but I do the majority when I'm off. I clean up practically 24/7

Like most other parents

"I'm utterly depressed these days and find I never even have 20 minutes to do anything by myself."

poor you


What did you expect? Being part of a family and having a child will lead to massive changes in your life in both financial and time. Perhaps it is time to accept this

What a horrible and unhelpful reply. Did you not read the rest of his post?

OP, I would first suggest some form of counselling though from your post I would presume she wouldn't be into that.

Can you just talk to her and tell he how you're feeling? Tell he pretty much everything you wrote here? Surely if she wants you to stay, it will maybe open her eyes that you are not happy.

power pants

Unhelpful wrote: »

What a horrible and unhelpful reply. Did you not read the rest of his post?

OP, I would first suggest some form of counselling though from your post I would presume she wouldn't be into that.

Can you just talk to her and tell he how you're feeling? Tell he pretty much everything you wrote here? Surely if she wants you to stay, it will maybe open her eyes that you are not happy.

I did, I read the whole post. My opinion still stands the same if im being honest.

R.D. aka MR.D

dark thinker wrote: »

I'm utterly depressed these days and find I never even have 20 minutes to do anything by myself.
Lying in bed until 8.30 or 9am on my days off and I'm "a lazy b***ard"
She sits and watches tv for about 3 hours and when I sit down "I'm no help around the house"
I've actually quit drinking so she can't me an alcoholic anymore after meeting her brothers for 2 pints which she organised.

I might organise to meet my mates (whom I haven't seen in months) but something will magically pop up for that day which I can't get out of. But she can go out with hers at a moment's notice.

I think this is the part of the post that people are missing. Yes, the two of you made the decision to have a child and you have to deal with it. It's not easy.

But, that is no excuse for you to allow your OH to treat you this way.

You two need to sit down and have a real discussion about it. You have this child together now and that has to come first. No child should have to grow up in a house where one parent resents the other or one parent is really unhappy.

I imagine posters might have a different reaction if it was the male partner not allowing the female to see friends or have a sit down of an evening.

bp

I can also see both sides. I took a year off when my little one was born and there were days were I saw no one until my oh came home (especially if one of us was sick). I used to be so jealous of:

OH got an actual lunchbreak
OH got to speak to people
Oh would unwittingly leave cup somewhere (I could not sit still in an dirty house)
OH got odd night out and would have hangover (less than once a month) and would stay in bed until 11

Now OH and I always shared weekends (I just couldn't rest as I breastfed and was then awake anyway) or when that ended would hear them downstairs. He always tidied etc (just wasn't to my standard -poor boy). Would insist on me having at least an evening off a week (once bf a few times a night stopped....no point before then) even for the gym.

Anyway my point is there needs to be a balance - maybe family day Saturday where you all go somewhere (e.g. playground, zoo, play cafe, beach) - just out. A night off each a month where the other stays in bed until 10am. And a date night once a month - movie and take away.

It is hard but you need to talk somewhere neutral and without babba

strobe

power pants wrote: »

I did, I read the whole post. My opinion still stands the same if im being honest.

So "if you're a man, and you have a baby, just accept you will be treated like sh1t by your wife from then on, just the way it goes" ?

Penny Tration

People seem to be missing the fact that the woman is not being left to do everything.

SHE goes out when she wants.
SHE sits down to watch telly when she wants.
SHE sees her friends when she wants.

Op is not 'allowed' to do any of this, she won't let him. That's abuse.

Shrap

OP, your home life sounds pretty horrible but not irredeemable I think. I imagine that your gf knows how sh1tty things have become between you, but part of the vicious circle that is depression (you say she's been on pills for years but they don't seem to be working) is the lethargy that enables you to do the bare minimum in keeping your life ticking over but that means you can't raise the energy to address your problems.

The lack of self-worth is exacerbated by the mind-numbingly boring routine that is looking after a small child and home and having few if any other outlets for your frustration - look after baby, sit on sofa, eat a biscuit for a quick "good feeling", don't bother being nice to bf, sit on sofa, can't raise the energy to deal with the fact you're not dealing with much, eat a biscuit to feel better, resent bf for having life outside of house, do nothing about getting out of house yourself.....etc., etc. - all of this bringing you down further as you beat yourself up for not "getting on with it" and "getting over it".

I genuinely think you both need counselling. Living with someone who is stuck in such a rut (through circumstances as well as depression) is awful, and not always sustainable (nor should it be - you shouldn't have to live like this). You could sit her down and tell her you can't go on like this together. Do NOT point the finger by using the words "You always act like" or "Your problem is" or even go into any you do this/you do that scenarios. Just tell her you think you're both in need of help to get happy with each other again, and try and improve your communication so you don't be fighting. For the child, and each other OP.

LegacyUser

Reverse the roles and people would be screaming abuse telling the op to call the police, leave and take the child. You gotta love boards.

I know she's had a baby but **** it, she's an adult. This isn't normal behaviour. Party of being an adult (male or female) is recognising something is wrong and taking steps to change it. Sitting on your arse, blaming your partner for all your life's problems isn't going to fix them.

I can also take a guess when you say your mind is wandering to dark places. In the past, the Samaritans were a great help for me. You'd be surprised at what taking to someone who listens can do even in the short term. From what you've described, I don't think you have that right now.

hope things improve soon but if you find your mental health going to the pot even more and no effort from your girlfriend to talk things through, contact your solicitor to set where you stand. Good luck.

power pants

strobe wrote: »

So "if you're a man, and you have a baby, just accept you will be treated like sh1t by your wife from then on, just the way it goes" ?

The three points I highlighted at the start are what every parent faces.

The last part about not being able to have any free time or do what he wants. Put his foot down and do these things. Just because his wife says no doesn't mean he has to obey

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm trying to take as much advice from you all as possible.

I can't quote everyone individually unfortunately because it would take me days to reply, but I should have just about enough time to finish this post.

I've tried to sit her down and talk about this stuff in a very calm manner but all it's done is piss her off and she flew off the handle again explaining to me how the world doesn't revolve around me, asking why can't I take responsibility for my actions, how because we BOTH got angry I'm a disgrace as a father.

The patience thing is really getting to a new low. A DVD we watched together last night stalled for about half a second and she was ready to **** it out the window! I mean come on.

And just for everyone's interest I didn't include some other points in my first post. My partner doesn't have a job. She hasn't worked in years. Now in fairness that was in part to going to college full time but that's done with nearly 3 years. This was the point I was making in regards to my wages. I'm under no illusion that I'm not going to be rich in the next few years and by a few I mean 18 but not even being able to buy a coffee (and I mean Spar, not butlers or starbucks) 2 or 3 days after payday is quite depressing. Wondering how many days overtime I'm going to have to do to make up the money needed for utilities, arrears, rent, etc. with very little help from her social payments and suffering abuse for not being there those days is not the most fun in the world.

She's had a tough upbringing and still plays on her mind. She has severe jealousy issues. I even mention a female colleague in a story and I'm a cheating bastard. I have no female friends anymore. (not that I'd see them anyway) I try avoid them as much as possible nowadays so as they don't text me randomly some day asking how I am. If she saw a message like that......forget about it, but she's always texting her male mates and trying to organise catch ups. (One of them is an ex ffs) And no I haven't cheated and no I don't plan to.

It's just the hypocrisy of it all. There's different rules for every scenario, none of which are in my favor as you might have guessed.

My work consists of nights and is shift work so it's very hard for us to plan anything together seeing as I only have a weekend off every 6 weeks and by the time that comes around we haven't got the money to do anything.

I took a couple of days off last week so we had extra time together and I could devote time to the baby and helping out around the house. Now I'm not expecting her to bow down at my feet worshiping me for doing everything but I at least thought she might have said thanks for helping or thanks for taking the days off. She hasn't cooked dinner in about 10 days, I've done night feeds the last 3 nights, she's been out for day dates twice or 3 times without child, while I stayed at home.

Yes, yes I know that's what parents do and I shouldn't expect anything for it but even a thank you would have been nice.

Even writing all this makes me wonder why I'm still here. I think behind it all I'm afraid of going. Too long under the thumb I guess. But I also don't want my son growing up in a broken home, seeing me every 3 or 4 weeks, giving her every excuse to give me more abuse.

Thanks again for all the help.

I will be trying all suggested helplines too, anything to give me somewhat a positive outlook.

DT

DUB0207-old

dark thinker wrote: »

Even writing all this makes me wonder why I'm still here. I think behind it all I'm afraid of going. Too long under the thumb I guess. But I also don't want my son growing up in a broken home, seeing me every 3 or 4 weeks, giving her every excuse to give me more abuse.

Your son cant understand what is going on at the moment but in another year he will! Speaking from experience... Would you rather to have a well mannered child, a happy boy who anyone will be happy to mind or a toddler who screams/use foul language he learnt at home?

It really p*** me off to see women treating men like doormats and men that enable this behaviour.

To stay is the worst thing that you can do! No one will look after your mental health, its your duty to keep a sane mind, for your and your son sake. Stay with this abusive waste of space will only make you miserable and unable to care for your child properly.

Go to Dolphin's house and get an access order through court (otherwise I have a feeling she will control the visitation based on her needs). You will see your child probably every other weekend - overnight - and a couple days or hours mid week, depending on your work schedule.

You can try mediation first - better for you, better for the child they say - giving the facts you presented I am afraid she wont follow up with an informal agreement and there's no punishment for doing so.

About the work situation... She'll probably go from living off your means to sponging off the state but that's her choice, not your problem. Without you she will learn how to be responsable and manage the finances. About time this moody bi*ch get a smack on the face and grow up!

I am sorry to say but your home is already broken... I know it will be hard not to see your son every day but he's better off having 2 separete loving homes (although I am afraid it wont happen on the maternal side) than an unstable one.

You deserve better and so does your child! Best of luck!

power pants

After reading your update with more detailed information and examples, in retrospect I was a little harsh.

Tough situation, not a great environment for the baby to be witnessing your wife's antics and behavior.

You sound like a good father

arayess

dude,
You are repsonsible for your kid not your GF. If she won't change and treat you better then you should leave and not support her or worry about it , leave that for her family ,the welfare or herself. You'll be surprised without you supporting her how motivated she'll be.

You got her pregnant that doesn't mean it's a life sentence for you which at present it reads like.
But try work it out , see about counselling first.

But you sound like me many years ago and she sounds like my ex.
I put up with bad behaviour on the basis I persumed it was hormones, stress of being a new mother, childbirth , PSD whatever.
I think men (well Irish men) are conditioned to be very accepting of bad behaviour from women who have had kids and women (some!) use this to their advantage.
I was forever being told my well meaning people that she had it hard and i should look after her etc...which I did but in hindsight there was f8ck all gratitude there.

15 years later my ex is still the same as I descibed above.
So in essence being nice to her cos she's having it tough after the baby etc....wasted a few years of my life. She was just a horrible person.
Clealry this isn't the case with all women but I feel I can only advise based on my own experience.

Do right by yourself, I can tell you by doing that you'll be a better dad than if you struggle on as you are.

before you decide anything , get legal guardianship of your child as an unmarried father this gives you a lot more rights regarding your child.

strobe

You only know her two years, it's not that long. You moved in together very quick. You wouldn't have really known her at all, not really.

It really sounds like she's basically just a massive controlling bitch that was on her best behaviour initially, putting on a mask, and now that she has a roof over her head and the kid she wanted she's given up on the facade all together and this is who she really is.

Yes babies are hard work, yes hormones mess with people, yes things can be stressful. But do these things result in a complete and total personality transplant? A good person becomes a horrible one?

This is who she really is. Who she seemed before was an act. You've already wasted two years of your life. Why waste another second longer than you have to?

LegacyUser

Hey normally don't post much in boards but seen your thread and couldn't but reply. I read your thread and it brought a lot of old familiar feelings back for me.

I've been in your position before, repeatedly treated like crap and taken for granted, no matter what I did, I organised time away for both of us, for her alone etc, counselling, talking through issues everything you could think of, never good enough, I did more than my fair share of the house work and then some but it was never enough.

What got to me the most was the constant rejection over and over, and the feeling of worthlessness that comes over you, it erodes your confidence and sense of self.

It's a toxic environment for you and your child, and it takes a lot of courage to be able to walk away from that but to be honest it's worth it, your child is better having two parents who are separated and happy rather then together and constantly fighting and sniping at each other.

It's your responsibility and duty to your child to make sure that they are cared for in the best environment possible.

Before my relationship with my ex had ended I had emotional checked out, about 2 months before it ended, that was after a year and a half of emotional abuse and bullying,the angry outbursts all of it. My close friends and family kept asking me what was wrong and telling me to walk away etc but you just want to do what's right for your child and that means trying everything to salvage a dysfunctional relationship even though you know it's not fixable, but alas I wasted so much time on it.

It's about 4 years on for me and I've met someone new and couldn't be happier, I'm still fighting through the courts for more access to my child, but I know i did the right thing. I don't see my child as much as I'd like yet, but I'll keep fighting for them,and they know I love them more than ever.

Definitely get guardianship sorted regardless of what you decide to do.

Hope this helps

CarpeDiem85

Reading some of the responses has infuriated me but I'm not going to waste my time responding to them as I'd never change their views.

Anyway, OP from reading your posts, if that's the way things are at home and you're going to leave..Why don't you apply for custody of your child? I don't know why some people automatically assume it's the mothers role to take charge if a couple break up. I have come across single fathers who have done a fantastic job on their own. If you love your child, I'd be trying to do this. You can still juggle work and a child. There are other supports like additional tax credits to help you too.

Neyite

Mod:

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Tokyo

DUB0207 wrote: »

About time this moody bi*ch get a smack on the face and grow up!

DUB0207 - there are ways and means of getting your point across - sinking to this sort of level is just derogatory, and for nothing to re-enforce your point. Please don't post in this manner again.