Bipolar Disorder & Relationship

LegacyUser

I don't know if there's any "correct answer" to this issue but I'm just hoping for a few different outlooks and choices on how to handle things.

My relationship started around last May or June with a man I've known a long time and had been good enough friends with all throughout that time (5+ years). We eventually decided to give the relationship a try as there had always been feelings and times were now right for the both of us between school and work and living situations.

I had always known about the disorder and had seen the different ways in which it affected him, but he never really opened up all that much or went into deep conversations about it with me. To me, the disorder seems to have escalated since October or November and I am now finding it very difficult to cope. I've tried doing all the research I can and have read so many articles and books and blog posts on the facts of the disorder and of peoples personal experiences - both actually having the disorder and loving someone who has it.

He does attend therapy (weekly or biweekly depending on the "up" or "down" mood) and they have not found the correct medication that works for him yet. As of now, I am finding it extremely hard to handle both the "up" and the "down" mood. I feel like I have started walking on egg shells around him, trying to keep him happy and give him no reason to be annoyed with me. I anticipate the late night text (every 8 weeks or so) with him saying that he "may need time to be by himself" but "still wants me in his life" and "still needs me to be there". Sometimes these texts talk about taking a break right now or "sometime in the future". No break has ever happened as a result of these, as the "up" mood seems to always come very soon after and he "wants to be with me always and make this work". When in the up moods, he's on top of the world, the happiest person I've ever met - he's joining local clubs and working etc. I feel I can't appreciate this happy side of him anymore as I'm just waiting for the downfall each time.

I received the last "late night text" on Tuesday and have not heard from him since. This is a bit longer than usual during the "down" moods to have no reply. I was a bit worried so I asked friends who told me he has been out drinking all week with friends and has been in his own house or at a friends during the day (I'm not in the same city right now and we don't live together). During these 4 days I've had more time to think about how much all of this has been affecting me and even had the thought that if anyone in this relationship really needed a break from this whole situation, it would probably be me. My biggest issue is that I feel I am a bad person for thinking these things. I've tried so hard to be sensitive about the illness and understand that these actions are the illness and not him, but I just feel so beaten down and tired. I am terrified of how he'd react if I shared this, I'm scared of what the illness would do to his thoughts. I feel like it's wrong, but I feel taken advantage of and have been worried sick with no reply to phone calls for the last four days while he's been out and about with friends.

I really don't mean to offend anyone with this post, it might not make that much sense but my mind is spinning and I really don't know where to go from here. I know that wanting to be with him means communicating this worry to him, but I know if I do that he'll begin a downward spiral of thinking he's not good enough for me and that he's hurt me. If anyone has had any personal experience with this and can offer some advice, or if anyone suffers from this disorder and would like to give me tips on how to be more understanding, I'd very much appreciate it.

Faith

Bipolar is an absolute bitch of a mental health issue. It really is an awful illness. You are in no way a bad person for struggling with this. The strongest of people struggle to cope with loved ones with bipolar disorder.

Bipolar can be managed somewhat successfully with the right medications and this can control mood cycling, but a big issue is that it makes people feel very flat. Many people with BD feel amazing when they're in a manic phase and they don't want to take medication as it prevents this feeling, but of course it's not half as pleasant for their loved ones. Or else, they take medication but stop as soon as they start to feel better, and the cycle begins again. Unfortunately, BD is also associated with high rates of suicide attempts, which makes it even more challenging for loved ones.

The bottom line is, you have to put yourself first. I'm sure you love this man, but if his illness is affecting you so negatively, then you need to make a difficult decision. Self preservation is the most important thing. Unfortunately, BD is a lifelong condition. He won't get 'cured' or wake up one day and be better. The current limits of treatment mean it can be managed, but it will always be there. It's perfectly okay and understandable to feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. That doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you human. At the end of the day, you can only be responsible for yourself. You can't stay in a destructive relationship with him forever because you're afraid of what would happen if you broke up.

Penny Tration

Hey OP.

I'm speaking from the perspective of somebody who actually has bi-polar, thankfully under control at the moment.

You are NOT a bad person for thinking about leaving.

No matter how much you care for someone, you can't be their horse to flog.

I have huge sympathy for the guy, I really do. I know how difficult it is when medication and therapy aren't controlling the bi-polar. It's really, REALLY hard.

But - he's doing damage to YOUR emotional wellbeing. You don't deserve that. You sound like an extremely supportive person, but that does not give him permission to kick you in the heart when he's down, then try pull you back up when he's having a manic episode.

Having been in relationships while my bi-polar was at its worst, I'd honestly say that no person with bi-polar, who is not somewhat controlling it with treatment, should be in a relationship. It's damaging to you, and it's damaging to him to have to try deal with those feelings.

You have to put your health first. Do not allow yourself to be dragged down. If his treatment starts to work for him in the future, then maybe it'll work then.

For now, you have to protect yourself. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a sensible, emotionally mature person because you're recognising that you can't 'fix' him and your health is important.

zoobizoo

When he says that he hasn't found the correct medication, is that his opinion or is that the opinion of the professionals?

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

When he says that he hasn't found the correct medication, is that his opinion or is that the opinion of the professionals?

As far as I have been told, it's the professional. However I can't be sure of this. He has been seeing this professional only since December after moving cities, and was not on any medication at the time of leaving his last doctor.

I still have not heard from him, but know he is still out and about with people going to pubs etc. Talked with a friend today who was shocked that all of this was going on and had no idea. Was very upset last night to not have heard anything on Valentines Day but I don't want to seem petty.

Still in shock and don't think any of this has sunk in yet, as I have known him over 5 years and it will be very hard to lose him as a friend. I'm just scared.

ShowMeTheCash

OK I do not know all the details to this but my advice would be to walk away!

I found myself in a similar situation the bi-polar disorder for some people will make them incapbale of having a meaningful relationship... Just will not happen nor will it get any better and in the end you will just end up at the other end of the mood swings, which I found get worse as time goes on!

From your post he seems to be able to hit the booze OK so on top of the Bi-Polar he has not come to face that in order to make his life better there is simply things he probably should not do or avoid.

I would consider myself someone who is caring and patient, the experience I had was a nightmare and I was never so glad to be rid of it. As much as I would wish her happiness or she gets the treatment she needs I would not wish her on my worst enemy!

Every situation is different but I perhaps at the beginning was hopeful that it is something we could work out together, the illness destroy's any of that!

Shrap

Hiya OP. You're treading a hard road and no mistake. I only know two people with bi-polar, and I can see how they can't seem to hold down a relationship. The manic is SO manic and the crash is SO down - for both of them, both of whom reject their medication when feeling fine, and a previous poster mentioned the "flatness" of life when on it - I can relate to that having been on anti-depressants 3 times in my life and noticing that life wasn't "full" enough in the sense of feeling either good or bad. It's just indifferent.

However, bi-polar relationships clearly require a special kind of thick skin to cope with, from what I can see. It may require less caring, more (much more) independence from each other's lives than most "normal" relationships and of course a 10 X ordinary tolerance level. You probably will need to become superhuman.

Not trying to be flippant with that, but I imagine that a successful relationship with anyone who lives hot and cold (they're not playing hot and cold) will also mean that their partner will need to override/ignore a lot of the "I can't be with you any more" late night texts AND the "I never want to be without you another minute" texts and live the relationship somewhere in between. You be you and he be he, and it will require a superhuman effort to love both him and the condition.

Neither me nor my bf have bi-polar but we both have highs and lows. He says about me that he welcomes the challenge and change of never necessarily knowing what way I'll be next (a bit artistic *coughs*), and it's the same with him. If he cancels at the last minute cos he feels he wants to be alone, then fine (took a bit of getting used to). Essentially, we're both fiercely independent. However, being around someone bi-polar is that level of spontaneity ALL THE TIME. He should know that about himself (the effect he has on you - his partner), and if he doesn't, then you have an even bigger problem. You need to get in there with some heavy talking (preferably with a professional), and lay it out for him.

Someone else (with bi-polar) said you are not his horse to flog. Good advice.

Penny Tration

OP, have you had previous relationships? I assume you have.

In past relationships, would you sit back and wait for someone who ignored you for a week, while happily going out drinking?

Or are you accepting it purely because he's mentally unwell?

It's not something you should accept just because he has bipolar. If you wouldn't accept it from a previous partner, don't accept it from him, either.

The length of time it takes to find a combination of medication that actually stabilizes a person with bipolar can be several months to several years.
During this period a relationship is not something that a person with bipolar can seriously commit to. It would be destructive.
You have known him for 5 years but in the last 4 months things have gone downhill. Maybe you need to step back from the relationship until he is stable. That could be a very long time, so you might want to move on completely.
Can you remain as friends is also difficult as that's not always easy after any relationship.
As others have said, look out for your needs first and let the professionals look out for his needs.
I have bipolar but have been stable for several years thankfully. I can tell you that when I was not stable, I could never hope to have any type of proper commitment to a relationship.

JeffKenna

Unfortunately my advise is quite simple. If someone is truly intent on coming to terms with a mental disorder like your OH then alcohol is a strictly off the table. Any attempts like therapy are in effect just lip service when binge drinking as outlined above is taking place.

You need to protect yourself and leave this relationship.

blatantrereg

My partner has it. My father probably has it (diagnosed with mania). Known a range of people with it.

You've no obligation to stay with someone because their bad behaviour is symptomatic of an illness. I would say that deciding you must stay no matter what is not only a terrible idea from your own PoV, but it would not actually help your partner either.

Some people behave much worse than others during episodes (taking severity into account). It's very much individual in terms of how it manifests, shaped by basic personality.

Personally my experience makes me less forgiving of certain types of bad behaviour, because I think of it as being as much to do with personality as with the illness.

I would say that it is necessary to be able to draw the line when it comes to certain things. Insist on compliance with medication and that he doesn't drink at all. It might not sit well with you to lay down the law, but it is necessary.

It's probably hugely simplistic, but I think whether your situation is possible or impossible depends fundamentally on whether he complies when you insist on things like that (even if he kicks up a stick about doing so).

zoobizoo

Friend has been through this.

Firstly, looking after ones physical health (maintaining good sleep patterns, maintain good health) is a big part of keeping on the straight and narrow. Therefore he should not be drinking.

Binge drinking will lead to no good especially in times of mania and it could be fatal on the come down also.

He has to come to this realisation though. It took my friend about 10 years to get to the stage where she realised that she couldn't do what her friends were doing.

He needs to do what you have done - read all the literature and face up to the illness that he has.

littlemisshobo

I have bipolar... I am in a committed relationship and I find some of the comments about how bipolar people can't maintain relationships a bit upsetting and a bit insulting. No need to paint us all with the same brush...

As for your boyfriend, OP, he is being quite irresponsible with the drinking and blanking you. I can't relate to it because I have never asked for a break or pushed my fiance away... in fact I was very grateful for his support when I was sick. Yes he does need more patience at times if my mood becomes unstable, but we know the signs to look out for and I simply adjust my lithium dosage with my GP. I would NEVER stop taking my medication so my condition is very manageable now. If he was diagnosed at the time of not being on medication then again this is irresponsible of him.

Your post comes across as very thoughtful and you seem like a nice person; as others have said don't accept something from this guy you wouldn't normally accept. If it was me I think I'd sit down with him, explain that I value our (preexisting) friendship and think it best to return to that. If he doesn't accept his illness and act responsibly regarding his mental health then he just isn't someone to be in a relationship with. You can still be a friends, still be supportive but should not be a girlfriend to someone who shows too little respect for you and your relationship.

Hope this helps, and I'm happy to answer any Bipolar-y questions you may have

Shrap

littlemisshobo wrote: »

Your post comes across as very thoughtful and you seem like a nice person; as others have said don't accept something from this guy you wouldn't normally accept. If it was me I think I'd sit down with him, explain that I value our (preexisting) friendship and think it best to return to that. If he doesn't accept his illness and act responsibly regarding his mental health then he just isn't someone to be in a relationship with. You can still be a friends, still be supportive but should not be a girlfriend to someone who shows too little respect for you and your relationship.

^^Great post. And littlemisshobo, I'm personally sorry for showing my ignorance about the bipolar condition! From my anecdotal position of knowing precisely 2 people with it, both of whom reject medication, I've generalised about all people with bipolar, based on what I saw of their relationships when they weren't in charge of themselves. Sorry about that! Your advice above is brilliant.

littlemisshobo

thanks!

I do think the big thing about any mental condition is accepting it and accepting responsibility for it.

If the bf in this thread was only just getting a diagnosis I'd be more supportive of giving him a chance; but knowing he is bipolar and then drinking and not being compliant with meds just says he is not being responsible.

(We need more education on mental health issues and more day to day dialog too. I had worked in Mental Health in the past, had training and facilitated work groups and I still had no real idea of bipolar disorder!)

Shrap

littlemisshobo wrote: »

I had worked in Mental Health in the past, had training and facilitated work groups and I still had no real idea of bipolar disorder!

Yeah, same here! Which makes my assessment so much more dim You're right of course about someone who may have been recently/not so recently diagnosed. There's a lot to learn from which it is in this case - indicative of the future really, ie. if the fella in this case has been living by the seat of his pants for quite a while by going with the flow instead of controlling his behaviour, then it's not going to look so good for the OP's relationship.

littlemisshobo

Also while obviously I take my medications for myself, I would never want my fiance or my family to go through the pain of me being so sick ever again. When he's stable he has to be aware of how his hi/low mood affected those close to him; I don't get how he could risk putting them through pain again by not taking medication or drinking. You can drink a little on the medication, though it is best to just avoid it. I wonder do his drinking buddies know he is bipolar? I can't imagine my friends go along with me going off on benders while unstable!

zoobizoo

littlemisshobo wrote: »

I can't imagine my friends go along with me going off on benders while unstable!

I had friends of my bipolar friend who were happy to drink with her - they were all in denial. She was in denial about her condition and they were ignorant of the condition and never bothered to read up about it and how to look after their friend.

They saw she was out drinking and presumed "all is grand again"...

OP - what age is your fella?