Afraid to say anything

whattodo1

Hi everyone I actually cant believe Im writing this but I don't know what else to do?
Ok ill start ive been with my ex partner for a few years had our ups and downs he went through a really bad patch and I stood by him, over the years he didn't get on with one of my parents and mentions this often to me.

Hes been seeing our kids but gets very upset when they leave and I get it and am made felt so guilty weve no court ordered visits anything like that because id never stop him seeing them.

Now hes hasn't seen them in over a month and tells me that its just too hard ive been telling the kids that hes working away they haven't even spoke to him on the phone.

2 weeks ago he told me he was told by social welfare he had to quit is college course as he was on a different payment now he being doing so great all his assignments even got cetificates already it was doing him good to be out and about, so what was calm life has now become my worst nightmare and im wore out from it all.

Im being blaimed on everything now our break up even though it was him who got violet not physically to me but to house etc I got away from it and moved with my parents in Dublin and kids have settled and are doing great.

Hes due in court over his actions to the house soon but hes saying to me now ive to watch my back im so afraid and to tell anyone im even supriseing myself im writing this but I need to get it out of my systems, Im also not telling anyone because I know it will just make things worse im so fragile over it all I suffer from panic attacks and they went when I moved in with my parents but now there back the stuff hes saying to me is so crushing and im afraid what he might do.

Sorry to ramble on I just don't know what else to do?

Tokyo

whattodo1 wrote: »

Hes due in court over his actions to the house soon but hes saying to me now ive to watch my back im so afraid and to tell anyone im even supriseing myself im writing this but I need to get it out of my systems, Im also not telling anyone because I know it will just make things worse im so fragile over it all I suffer from panic attacks and they went when I moved in with my parents but now there back the stuff hes saying to me is so crushing and im afraid what he might do.

Sorry to ramble on I just don't know what else to do?

Somebody with a history of violence (and is waiting on a court date for said violence) is trying to intimidate you with very thinly veiled threats against you as soon as life isn't playing out exactly how he wants it to - the smartest course of action here is to talk to somebody, and immediately. All things considered, I'd have a word with the local Garda station if for no other reason than to get it on the record. And a quick word from them may go a long way into curbing his bullying tactics.

I'd also recommend that you take steps to make his time with the children more official - i.e. on appointed days and pickup and drop off in a set location - at the moment it sounds like he just pops round when he feels like seeing them, and given his tendency for making threats, that's not a good thing.



edit: I know we post about them quite a bit here, but you should consider giving Women's Aid a call, as they should be able to provide you with more advice, and it's often better to hear these things being said, than to read them on a screen.

Women's Aid - (1800 341 900) - provides support services and information to women experiencing abuse from their partners.

Taltos

What you should do is keep a record of these threats - because that is what they are and report them to your local garda station so they have a record too.

In terms of making you feel guilty - that is the last bit of "power" he has or thinks he has. Face it - he's in trouble due to his choices. Not yours.
You've nothing to feel guilty about and have made the right decisions to protect your kids. Fair dues OP - many people don't.

Personally I think you are doing great but don't let him bully you.
I would consider though putting a court ordered access agreement in place though, if he is threatening you or telling you to watch your back you are better off finding a way to permit him access where you don't have to deal with him, even if that access is supervised. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? A support group in the area or something as you having to lie for him to your kids isn't right - understandable but not fair at all.

whattodo1

Thanks for your replys and I know yous are saying go to the guards but im to afraid to because I know it will make my life a whole lot worse, I have all the emails texts even voice messages of what hes said to me, I know hes doing this for power too, he knows im terrified of him I just don't know what to do its like im trapped in a corner and cant get out.

Penny Tration

whattodo1 wrote: »

Thanks for your replys and I know yous are saying go to the guards but im to afraid to because I know it will make my life a whole lot worse, I have all the emails texts even voice messages of what hes said to me, I know hes doing this for power too, he knows im terrified of him I just don't know what to do its like im trapped in a corner and cant get out.

Did you and he live together?

If you did, go to the Gardai, show them every single message and ask for a protection order. This means he cannot curse at you, threaten you, shout at you, etc. If he does any of these things, you report it to the Gardai, and he's arrested for breaching the order.

So, it cannot make things worse. If you get the protection order, things can only improve for you.

Please, before you do anything, ring Women's Aid. They will help better than any of us here can.

orthsquel

The only way for you to get out of being trapped in a corner and fearful is to tell someone what is going on. Otherwise he has power over you indefinitely, regardless of whatever outcome of anything else, he has the power to intimidate and threaten you so long as you are forced to be fearful and silent. His power will come from you staying silent. He might assume you would tell someone, but eventually he will come to understand that you haven't told anyone, and will then take advantage of your silence of his threats, resulting in escalations, resulting in him maybe trying to catch you on your own even amongst your own family and friends with nothing but terror inside yourself and nobody the wiser as to your discomfort or the reality of the situation.

That is not what you deserve and that is not the reality you want for yourself or your children. Or worse, for them to witness or overhear you being threatened and them being told to not say anything to anyone. And that gives more power to him.

If you cannot tell the Gardai, then tell someone. Even someone at Women's Aid. This is one of those times when the more people who know, the safer you will be, with the strength in numbers. And with that the more people you tell, the easier it will be to tell, the more real it will become and the more likely you can deal with it.

Staying silent is just giving him all the power and forcing you to deny it happening in your own mind. Take the power back.

whattodo1

Thanks everyone for you reply's I finally got the courage and done something about it I'm proud of myself now ot got worse and I needed to stop it, thanks to you all if I. Hadn't of come on here to ask advice and express what I was feeling I dont think I would be still in this situation, its in the process of getting sorted for good and get on with my life and my children.
Take care
Thanks for your advice.

Tokyo

Very happy for you OP. I'm glad that you had a positive outcome