Girlfriend with low self esteem

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

So I've been going out with this girl for the past 6 months. I think she's amazing; she's smart, funny, friendly, kind, caring and gentle, looks gorgeous, all the things I like in a girl. But there's just one problem; she suffers from chronic low self esteem, and it's not easy to deal with.

Two days ago she called me at half 10 in the morning, balling her eyes out telling me that we should break up because she "definitely doesn't deserve me" and that I should find someone better. After about a half an hour trying to get her to calm down she eventually did and we decided to have a chat that afternoon. I assured her that I loved her deeply and didn't want to go out with anyone else told her that I've been the happiest I've been in years since I started going out with her. After a chat (with lots of tears) we decided that we'd continue with the relationship, thankfully. But the problem is that I know that this won't be the last time something like this happens, it's already happened in the past twice and it really does hurt me everytime she gets this way. Can anyone offer me any advice? I don't want to break up with her at all, I'm mad about her, but it's so so difficult dealing with this sort of thing every few months.

She also suffers from depression, which is the root cause of this low self esteem I imagine. As a fellow sufferer (although mine is much milder) I can understand how she feels, but it still isn't easy.

Littlekittylou

Difficult.. wrote: »

Hey guys,

So I've been going out with this girl for the past 6 months. want to go out with anyone else told her that I've been the happiest I've been in years since I started going out with her. After a chat (with lots of tears) we decided that we'd continue with the relationship, thankfully. But the problem is that I know that this won't be the last time something like this happens, it's already happened in the past twice and it really does hurt me everytime she gets this way. Can anyone offer me any advice? I don't want to break up with her at all, I'm mad about her, but it's so so difficult dealing with this sort of thing every few months.

Every few months is nothing. Seriously. Having your boyfriend console you while you are emotional and crying etc once every few months is actually less than average i would say.

That's not to say it's for you. You know your limits.

It could be she can't be in a relationship.

But honestly I would personally say that is actually nothing if it happens every couple of months. I would say ever couple of days would be odd.

I am quite an emotional person though so you may listen to other replies. I am not for everyone. That's ok. Everyone is different as I say you know your limits OP. But honestly I can't believe you would note it every couple of months.

Lord I am an emotional wreck then!

Novella

I don't think that's normal behaviour at all. I would classify myself as an emotional and sensitive person but I have NEVER called my boyfriend, now husband, in hysterics telling him that he should break up with me because I don't deserve him.

She needs to see somebody about her issues, as in a therapist. It isn't your responsibility to make her feel good about herself, nor should you have to reassure her that she "deserves" you.

I would hate to be in a relationship where the other person sporadically brought up breaking up, I'm not one bit surprised that you're tired dealing with it. Just because it's every few months doesn't make it acceptable. Who wants to be waiting for the next time their partner has an emotional meltdown?

She should seek help. You can be supportive of that but you certainly don't have to pander to her crying fits.

LegacyUser

Littlekittylou wrote: »

Every few months is nothing. Seriously. Having your boyfriend console you while you are emotional and crying etc once every few months is actually less than average i would say.

That's not to say it's for you. You know your limits.

It could be she can't be in a relationship.

But honestly I would personally say that is actually nothing if it happens every couple of months. I would say ever couple of days would be odd.

I am quite an emotional person though so you may listen to other replies. I am not for everyone. That's ok. Everyone is different as I say you know your limits OP. But honestly I can't believe you would note it every couple of months.

Lord I am an emotional wreck then!

Oh no, the emotional and crying thing is something I can get over. She does get like that fairly often and I have no problem offering her support and a shoulder to cry on. It's specifically the "I think we should break up because you're too good for me" episodes that I find difficult to deal with, because it's absolute nonsense, and breaking up with her is the last thing I want.

Typer Monkey

I agree with Novella. Maybe you should try a different approach to the episodes. As it stands she is getting intense reinforcement everytime she does it with you telling her how much you love her, how great she is, how much you want to be with her. You're just feeding the insecurity monster and she'll do it again and again to get her fix.

Maybe when the crying fits start next time just say calmly 'We've discussed this before, you are being irrational. I'll speak to you about it when you've calmed down' and then let her go away and soothe herself. She's an adult who should be able to regulate her emotions for herself. If she can't, she should seek therapy to help her. You're not doing either of you any favours by pandering to this behaviour

ladygirl

I agree with Typer monkey if you constantly mollycoddle her when she behaves like this - you are only enabling her to continue to behave like this. Its a type of emotional blackmail.

Should this ever happen again - tell her shes being irrational, has no reason to think/behave like this and that you are hanging up phone/leaving the house etc until she calms down and can behave reasonably.

This behaviour if not nipped in the bud will escalate over time and you will find yourself walking on eggshells over the smallest little insignificant thing..

I don't think I could disagree further with littlekittylou ... it's not healthy behaviour for either of you and I don't think it's something you are equipped to handle and you certainly can't fix it because it's not about you really
I think she needs to speak to a professional
I don't know about the tough love approach with someone that unbalanced - i think the professional counselling would be a better first step

strobe

OK firstly, a girl ringing up her boyfriend out of the blue in floods of tears saying he should break up with her as she's not good enough for him every few months is definitely not normal, or less than average. Definitely not. It's symptomatic of depression, crippling insecurity, and severe self esteem issues. So let's get that out of the way.

I disagree with Typer Monkey though. While I can see where he's coming from, these aren't trivial issues, they're serious things that have probably been developing and being self reinforced since childhood. Telling her to cop on and come back when she's ready to talk like an adult rather than a child, as you don't want to have to deal with her and her problems, which is what she'll probably hear regardless of how you put it, is just going to make her feel alone, and make her feel like she has to bottle up and hide any insecurities or you will leave her. It's not healthy for her or the relationship.

But it's really unfair for her to be saying you should break up. That hurts from someone you love regardless of whether they make it about themselves and their worthiness or not. Saying you should break up is what it is. It's a terrible thing to say to someone you love or that lives you. So you've gotta convey how hurtful it is, maybe ask how she'd feel if you were to suggest you two break up and try to have her see it from your side of things. Try and encourage her to come and talk to you about things before they get built up and built up in her head into a big huge deal and she gets to the point that she is thinking about you two breaking up.

Is she seeing a counsellor about this stuff and her depression? That should be her first thing to sort out, it does seem to help people.

LynnGrace

I would definitely encourage her to seek professional help, if she is not already doing so.

Long term, this behaviour is destructive for both of you, in my opinion.

Gummy Panda

OP it sounds like she might have relationship obsession compulsion disorder. Its usually combined with depression.

Believe me from a person who went out with girl for 4 years who suffered these two, you can't support it. She needs professional help. You will feel like you're going from crisis to crisis and it will destroy your own self esteem.

orthsquel

You could tell her positive attributes about herself and tell her you love her a thousand times over, but it will fall on deaf ears because she does not, cannot see herself in the same light.
Self esteem is not something you can give to someone by any action, or any level of comfort, or soothing words, it can only be achieved by an individual seeing themselves as worthwhile and seeing their positive attributes that everyone else sees, for themselves. That can only be really achieved by professional help, if by their own reasoning over long periods of time, they cannot see the merit in their own life, efforts and achievements in life.

I'm not sure about what response you should provide, however, some suggestions on this thread might be an all-out rejection of her in her mind and thus reinforcing negative self esteem, proving her own mind and her own perception of lack of self worth and being undeserving of your affections, love and relationship correct. Perhaps the best way to proceed is get advice from any support groups or organisations or youth outreach programmes in how best to cope in situations where she is emotionally unstable or is looking for a validation of being deserving of the relationship that yields in neither you feeding the insecurities nor in you being perceived in her mind as outrightly rejecting her, but finding a middle ground.

Littlekittylou

ladygirl wrote: »

I agree with Typer monkey if you constantly mollycoddle her when she behaves like this - you are only enabling her to continue to behave like this. Its a type of emotional blackmail.

Should this ever happen again - tell her shes being irrational, has no reason to think/behave like this and that you are hanging up phone/leaving the house etc until she calms down and can behave reasonably.

This behaviour if not nipped in the bud will escalate over time and you will find yourself walking on eggshells over the smallest little insignificant thing..

I would respectfully disagree with and advise against ladygirl's ideas and position. That is being very emotionally manipulative and provoking drama. Infact he would then be the one issuing emotional blackmail. And she should leave him then. If he was behaving like this then it would be no wonder she was feeling that way.That is an AWFUL thing to do. It's also treating her like a child. Which is actually behaving as if what she says is true. It would not be treating a person as they deserve to be treated.

If someone spoke to me as you suggest that I would be appalled.

OP are you doing anything in the relationship to infer she isn't good enough or is this all in her own head?


If it is in her head. Then it could be possible that she cannot heal herself in a relationship. It might mean she needs to be single to do that.

I agree with orthsquel though.

You are basically saying she is undeserving because she feels she is undeserving and that means she is undeserving. I know... headwreck.

Beyond treating her as completely worthy and being totally respectful and as honoring her self esteem as you say you do there is nothing you can do. But some people can't do that kind of work in a relationship. And it might not be what she needs right now.

If you find this draining then it's obviously not what you need right now.

Yurt2

Littlekittylou wrote: »

I would respectfully disagree with and advise against ladygirl's ideas and position. That is being very emotionally manipulative and provoking drama. Infact he would then be the one issuing emotional blackmail. And she should leave him then. If he was behaving like this then it would be no wonder she was feeling that way.That is an AWFUL thing to do. It's also treating her like a child. Which is actually behaving as if what she says is true. It would not be treating a person as they deserve to be treated.

If someone spoke to me as you suggest that I would be appalled.

OP are you doing anything in the relationship to infer she isn't good enough or is this all in her own head?


If it is in her head. Then it could be possible that she cannot heal herself in a relationship. It might mean she needs to be single to do that.

I agree with orthsquel though.

You are basically saying she is undeserving because she feels she is undeserving and that means she is undeserving. I know... headwreck.

Beyond treating her as completely worthy and being totally respectful and as honoring her self esteem as you say you do there is nothing you can do. But some people can't do that kind of work in a relationship. And it might not be what she needs right now.

If you find this draining then it's obviously not what you need right now.

She is treating him like her source of validation. He is not there to validate her. It's from things like this that co-dependent relationships are born, which are mutually destructive scenarios.

She has the (viable) option of seeking treatment for her emotions and issues. If she does this there is hope. If not, she will use him as an emotional dishcloth, likely with increasing frequency.

I have every sympathy for people going through psychological issues, it's tough and I know what it's like myself. I have less sympathy for people that know they have a problem, refuse appropriate treatment and choose to use their significant other as a psychological whipping post.

Littlekittylou

Yurt! wrote: »

She is treating him like her source of validation. He is not there to validate her. It's from things like this that co-dependent relationships are born, which are mutually destructive scenarios.

She has the (viable) option of seeking treatment for her emotions and issues. If she does this there is hope. If not, she will use him as an emotional dishcloth, likely with increasing frequency.

I have every sympathy for people going through psychological issues, it's tough and I know what it's like myself. I have less sympathy for people that know they have a problem, refuse appropriate treatment and choose to use their significant other as a psychological whipping post.

No I would certainly isolate the thoughts but him throwing the phone down and hanging up is just going to feed the drama.

I honestly think he is over reacting but that is only me I am not the OP. And I am not there only he knows really and what he feels he can deal with.

But definitely a counselor can help her see whether this relationship is right for her right now and definitely help her be more confident and not need outside validation and realize she is worthy of a wonderful healthy relationship. A counselor will also be an independent voice that she might listen to and can talk to. She will know a counselor is not going to just feed her what she wants to hear. A professional will listen to the situation and give valid advice about the GF and the relationship and be honest. Maybe the fact that it's not the BF or a friend but a professional will help her see she is really a person of value and she deserves to be happy.

Having the counselor to lean on and vent to instead of the BF is much better. He won't get exhausted from it then.:)

TheBeardedLady

Littlekittylou, this is a symptom of her depression, not just normal, everyday relationship upsets, so he every right to be concerned and to find it difficult, which seems to be his only reaction - I'm not seeing any overreaction to this situation from him. If he didn't care at all, I'd be wondering.

If someone doesn't suffer from depression/self-esteem issues, it can be very hard to know how to approach a situation and someone calling you out of the blue insisting they're not good enough for you etc. can really wear you down.

I do think you should handle this gently though as she sounds like a keeper otherwise. As others have said, she needs to start seeing someone and sort out how she views herself. I don't believe only happy people brimming with self-esteem can find love but I've learned from experience that the happier the relationship, the better I've felt about myself and the less I depended on the person for my self-worth. That kind of relationship is really destructive and if she doesn't get help and actively works on herself, it won't end well.

MrWalsh

Littlekittylou wrote: »

I would respectfully disagree with and advise against ladygirl's ideas and position. That is being very emotionally manipulative and provoking drama. Infact he would then be the one issuing emotional blackmail. And she should leave him then. If he was behaving like this then it would be no wonder she was feeling that way.That is an AWFUL thing to do. It's also treating her like a child. Which is actually behaving as if what she says is true. It would not be treating a person as they deserve to be treated.

No no no, its called detaching with love. You stay calm, you tell the person they are not behaving rationally, you tell them you WILL talk to them, but only when they can be rational. Its the opposite of emotional blackmail. It also stops the enabling and the feeding of the situation. And she IS behaving like a child to phone him up unexpectedly and cry over something not real and expect to be comforted. Or at least, a non rational adult.

Littlekittylou wrote: »

If someone spoke to me as you suggest that I would be appalled.

Good! Thats the whole point! Now imagine if every time you behaved that way people gave you a similar reaction - wouldnt you realise it was YOU with the issue and not the world against you? It would actually enable moving past the "poor me" as opposed to feeding it.

I have enormous sympathy for the OP and the girlfriend btw but pandering to this type of thing just generates dysfunction and creates awful co-dependency going forward. Its not the OPs job to make his girlfriend feel ok about herself. She need to do that for herself like all adults have to. She may certainly need support and professional help to do that but the OP cannot and should not be expected to be the one to cope with these outbursts of irrationality.

The OP should be supportive, but APPROPRIATELY supportive. That doesnt mean pandering to irrationality, it means supporting professional help and an attempt from the GF to sort her issues out. The worst thing he can do is to pander to the outbursts as he has been doing (although that is the natural human reaction).

LegacyUser

Hi OP- I don't normally reply to PI posts but this one struck a chord with me so I felt I had to reply.

I have a long history of depression, anxiety and self esteem issues. They vary in severity from time to time but I found that getting into a relationship REALLY exacerbated them. I think it was probably because there was a real possibility that I could lose something very important (my boyfriend) over these issues. A new relationship can really put a spotlight on things- you're experiencing new things and being open with a person which can be really, really scary if you have rubbish self esteem! So in that respect I feel for your girlfriend.

I don't agree that enabling her is the way to go. You're not helping her by being overly accommodating when she has these meltdowns (as someone else put it perfectly- feeding the insecurity monster), even though it probably feels like the right thing to do- unless she gets help and really figures out what the source of these issues are and how she can start fixing them there probably won't be an end to the hysterical phone calls.

You mentioned you occasionally suffer from depression so you probably know how important it is to also take care of yourself. Stressing, worrying, and regularly having to reassure your girlfriend isn't healthy for either of you!

I would gently suggest that she visit a GP and ask their advice on this. If she's seeing one already due to her depression, maybe she could pay them another visit and explain exactly what she's going through. That's what I had to do when all my problems were flaring up due to a new relationship. I didn't think it was fair to burden my boyfriend with them- I was open with him and explained that I would be attending counselling and taking anxiety meds, but he is not my counsellor and it is not his job to have to calm me down or reassure me when I was having irrational thoughts. Support me, yes, and he did, but ultimately it was down to me to avail of resources such as counselling to deal with the issues. She may not be able to do it alone, but at the end of the day, you're her boyfriend- not her therapist or doctor.

power pants

is there any chance she "doesn't deserve you" every so often as she has been cheating with someone and now feels guilty?

beks101

No, this is not on. A mature responsible adult does not have regular emotional meltdowns, pull the 'we should break up' gem out of the bag every other week and expect others to pick up the pieces for their own insecurities and self-esteem issues.

A mature responsible adult realizes they have issues and seeks the necessary help for them so as to not jeopardize their relationships and stress out the people around them.

Lots of people struggle with depression, confidence and self esteem issues - I empathize with the woman, it's bloody awful to not see your own worth and to wonder what in the world people see in you. That however is not your fault OP, nor is it your responsibility to 'cure' her issues by telling her all the things she needs to hear to massage the aul ego temporarily until she decides to throw another fit. That's akin to bowing down to a toddler's temper tantrum and rewarding them with junk food or whatever the hell it is they're stamping their feet about.

Don't do that again, it's only encouraging the behaviour. Tell your girlfriend it hurts you when she plays with your head with the aul 'break up' card and that you're not a therapist or equipped to help her in the way that she needs.

LegacyUser

power pants wrote: »

is there any chance she "doesn't deserve you" every so often as she has been cheating with someone and now feels guilty?

Highly, highly doubt it. Of course it's possible, but I have no reason to think she's been cheating.

LegacyUser

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

Littlekittylou, this is a symptom of her depression, not just normal, everyday relationship upsets, so he every right to be concerned and to find it difficult, which seems to be his only reaction - I'm not seeing any overreaction to this situation from him. If he didn't care at all, I'd be wondering.

If someone doesn't suffer from depression/self-esteem issues, it can be very hard to know how to approach a situation and someone calling you out of the blue insisting they're not good enough for you etc. can really wear you down.

I do think you should handle this gently though as she sounds like a keeper otherwise. As others have said, she needs to start seeing someone and sort out how she views herself. I don't believe only happy people brimming with self-esteem can find love but I've learned from experience that the happier the relationship, the better I've felt about myself and the less I depended on the person for my self-worth. That kind of relationship is really destructive and if she doesn't get help and actively works on herself, it won't end well.

I have to agree unfortunately. If she (with my support) can't get over this, or at least make an effort to get over it, I'll have to call it a day, we can't keep going on like this.

For those of you suggesting that she gets professional help; she had been getting it for a few years before I met her and said one psychotherapist in particular was very helpful, but she stopped seeing a therapist when she moved to a different county (this is essentially all the time I've known her) and has yet to arrange to start seeing another one. I'm not sure if this is a decision she's made because she's convinced herself that she's "fine" or just because she's afraid of going to therapy again, neither of which are satisfactory reasons for her not to attend therapy once again in my opinion.

Would it be awful for me to suggest that the only way I'll stay with her is if she'll attend therapy? And by attend I mean attend. She's already promised me, her GP and a few of her family members that she would start seeing a therapist again, but she's yet to do so. Maybe if I issued an ultimatum of sorts? i.e "if you don't find a therapist in the next three weeks I'll have to seriously consider ending our relationship", would that be a bit much? I'm very conscious that she's a sensitive person, I don't want to hurt her but the current situation isn't doing me, or her, much good, although I wouldn't consider myself unhappy in the relationship, just stressed.

orthsquel

I think you need to get to the bottom of why she hasn't started therapy again and take things from there.
At this stage an ultimatum based on her behaviour and non-attendance of therapy coupled with your own reactions to her behaviour would be from her perspective, out of the blue. She might wonder why you think she would need to re-commence her therapy and then perhaps that might be the time to be a bit more honest (in a non confrontational way) about how you feel in the relationship, that you're stressed but that you want to be with her.

Littlekittylou

MrWalsh wrote: »

No no no, its called detaching with love. You stay calm, you tell the person they are not behaving rationally, you tell them you WILL talk to them, but only when they can be rational. Its the opposite of emotional blackmail. It also stops the enabling and the feeding of the situation. And she IS behaving like a child to phone him up unexpectedly and cry over something not real and expect to be comforted. Or at least, a non rational adult.

I am sorry I completely disagree. I am not going to see it any other way. It is completely emotional blackmail to me.

But the OP is here to read many differing opinions. There you go.

MrWalsh

Littlekittylou wrote: »

I am sorry I completely disagree. I am not going to see it any other way. It is completely emotional blackmail to me.

But the OP is here to read many differing opinions. There you go.

I do understand where you are coming from, but it's a different dynamic. Letting someone know that you will only accept rational interaction is not a bad thing, but if course the irrational person may have difficulty understanding this.

To use a more extreme example to illustrate what I mean:
"I won't engage with you unless you stop hitting me". I don't think anyone would argue that that would be emotional blackmail? Why? Because hitting people is wrong. Well, behaving irrationally towards someone is also wrong, so refusing to engage unless someone stops that behaviour is ok too.