calling it a day in the relationship

writer_lady170

Howdy fellow boardises,

Looking for some advice on my relationship and basically ending things, we met over 2 and a bit years ago now, for the most part it's been good but near our first year together things turned a bit sour...( it's a really long and complicated story so best not to get into it). I'm at the point now of being unhappy in the relationship ( i know he is too, tried to break up with me twice) and was wondering any tips of what I should say when we meet up again ( how to phrase it i suppose). I realise it will be hard on both of us, it's my first relationship:o

whiskeyman

Be open, honest and frank.
Just say you think it's best for both of you to call it time now.

Don't get caught into either of you going 'let's work at it / try one more time'.
It sounds like you were never right from the get go, so be sure to move on.

A breakup is usually never an easy thing to do, even if you know it's the right thing.
But you have to realise it's the right decision, even if doubts then play into your mind later.

writer_lady170

whiskeyman wrote: »

Be open, honest and frank.
Just say you think it's best for both of you to call it time now.

Don't get caught into either of you going 'let's work at it / try one more time'.
It sounds like you were never right from the get go, so be sure to move on.

A breakup is usually never an easy thing to do, even if you know it's the right thing.
But you have to realise it's the right decision, even if doubts then play into your mind later.

thanks for your advice whiskeyman, just want it to go smoothly as possible with no drama ( I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime!) Little bit scared that I wont meet someone down the line as I have aspeger's, difficult to socialise etc:o

KMoon09

OP, it is totally normal to worry about the ending of a relationship.

For you, those concerns lie in not meeting anybody else.

Right now, you're unhappy and there is nothing worst than remaining in an unhappy relationship.

You have no idea what the future holds for you, but getting out of an unhappy relationship will certainly bring you happiness.

Littlekittylou

From what I understand you are both great people. I think it will be difficult in the short term but in the long term you are planning a happier future for both of you to live and grow new lives maybe as friends or just separately. Living for the short term ease of avoiding a breakup is not worth the long term pain of being in a relationship where you are not right for each other.

You have family who will be there for you and friends.

I think you are more sociable than you think and you will meet someone when the time is right. I don't have aspegers or know much beyond the usual. But I know you a little and that is more important.You are an individual.

If you think this is the right thing to do then you have to do what is best for you.

xx

writer_lady170

thanks for your replies folks, means a lot have been mulling it over for a while

Eeden

Try not to get scared, if you have made your mind up. If you've been unhappy, and he has, then it will be the right thing for both of you. Best of luck, it will be hard, I'm sure. But I suspect you will feel nothing but relief.

Stavro Mueller

Not that I'm suggesting you rush this but with Valentine's Day coming up on Saturday, it would be fairer on both of you if you ended it before the weekend. This way, it'll give him a chance to return any gift he may have bought for you or stop him getting something in the meantime. It might also feel awkward for you if you've already got one foot out the door.

writer_lady170

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Not that I'm suggesting you rush this but with Valentine's Day coming up on Saturday, it would be fairer on both of you if you ended it before the weekend. This way, it'll give him a chance to return any gift he may have bought for you or stop him getting something in the meantime. It might also feel awkward for you if you've already got one foot out the door.

we don't really see each other during the week days so that kind of doesn't out ( we're in a medium to long distance relationship which takes me four hours to get down by bus). I wasn't planning on doing it this weekend, because of valentine's weekend, not a great reminder for either of us! But I hope to see him on Friday. Do hope to do it soon though

KMoon09

OP, I know this must be a very unsettling time for you, waiting to end your relationship and wondering when is best to do it.

Just remember there is never a perfect time to end a relationship, just knowing you have to end it is enough.

Thinking of you, wishing you all the best xx

writer_lady170

KMoon09 wrote: »

OP, I know this must be a very unsettling time for you, waiting to end your relationship and wondering when is best to do it.

Just remember there is never a perfect time to end a relationship, just knowing you have to end it is enough.

Thinking of you, wishing you all the best xx

thanks kmoon9

I'm a bit all over the place at the moment, last night was the first time I slept good in a week or two, I slept like a log and was out for 16 hours. I so needed that! I also suffer from migraines, mostly triggered by stress, trying to keep them at bay at the moment. I'm surviving though

True there's no perfect time, it's going to be tough whatever day it happens.

Thanks for your support x

Edit: also thanks Eeden for your post

writer_lady170

Right I've decided on a date for this, in about 3 weeks time ( I'd rather not drag it out but have things to get out of the way first). My plans to go down to him didn't work out and I spent valentine's day on my own. Enough is enough. This may be a silly question, but when you decided to break it off with someone did you tell your family about your intentions?

strobe

writer_lady170 wrote: »

Right I've decided on a date for this, in about 3 weeks time ( I'd rather not drag it out but have things to get out of the way first). My plans to go down to him didn't work out and I spent valentine's day on my own. Enough is enough. This may be a silly question, but when you decided to break it off with someone did you tell your family about your intentions?

In general I think the break up etiquette is that the person being broken up with should be the first to know, particularly if you're going to leave a three week gap in between the time other people know and they know. Would feel pretty crap to be walking round knowing you were the last to know you were getting broken up with.

writer_lady170

strobe wrote: »

In general I think the break up etiquette is that the person being broken up with should be the first to know, particularly if you're going to leave a three week gap in between the time other people know and they know. Would feel pretty crap to be walking round knowing you were the last to know you were getting broken up with.

thanks for that:) wasn't sure what the general etiquette was since haven't done this before

woodchuck

strobe wrote: »

In general I think the break up etiquette is that the person being broken up with should be the first to know, particularly if you're going to leave a three week gap in between the time other people know and they know. Would feel pretty crap to be walking round knowing you were the last to know you were getting broken up with.

Personally I disagree and think it's ok to confide in close family and friends about this if you need somebody to talk to. 3 weeks is a long time to have it weighing on your mind, so I don't think anybody could blame you for discussing it in confidence, particularly if you're worried about how to do it etc. But I wouldn't tell anybody that would be seeing him in the meantime (e.g. mutual friends), as this would be putting them in an awkward position. And obviously nobody that would gossip about it and risk it getting back to him!

catonthewire

Hi,


Would you rather not just try and see him.sooner, three weeks is quite a long time given how stressed you feel about having to break up with him..
Could you arrange to meet him somewhere quiet that is easily accessible for both of you, so you feel less uncomfortable when you break the news...

Ending a relationship is very tough so.I really admire your courage being determined to do it face to face..
Goodluck , just be honest and stay true to your feelings...

Penny Tration

Can I just add one thing - make your Facebook totally private, if it's not already. Your fb address is on your profile, and we all know there can be nasty people online who could easily link him to this thread, if you don't already have it totally private.

writer_lady170

catonthewire wrote: »

Hi,


Would you rather not just try and see him.sooner, three weeks is quite a long time given how stressed you feel about having to break up with him..
Could you arrange to meet him somewhere quiet that is easily accessible for both of you, so you feel less uncomfortable when you break the news...

Ending a relationship is very tough so.I really admire your courage being determined to do it face to face..
Goodluck , just be honest and stay true to your feelings...

hiya, yeah I don't want to drag it out longer than I have to but we only see each other at the weekends, I'm not free this weekend as I have something else on. I also have a presentation to give in the coming weeks, in the presentation I mention the relationship and all the handouts are printed and ready to go for 30ish people. If I were too break up with him before the presentation I'd have to email the manger in charge and explain that am no longer in the relationship and change the presentation, plus them print out more handouts. I know I'm going to be an emotional wreck afterwards so I don't think it would be a good look for me to turn up not myself... they'd probably understand if they knew, but I hate crying in front of people at the best of times

There's usually a few months between each presentations and that's when I plan on having the talk with him. Gives me a bit more time to recover afterwards and less stress

I plan on going to his house when the times comes, it's not gonna be mutual so I'd like to do it somewhere private

Thanks for your post and woodchuck's

writer_lady170

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Can I just add one thing - make your Facebook totally private, if it's not already. Your fb address is on your profile, and we all know there can be nasty people online who could easily link him to this thread, if you don't already have it totally private.

thanks for your post, good point:)

SterlingArcher

writer_lady170 wrote: »

. I also have a presentation to give in the coming weeks, in the presentation I mention the relationship and all the handouts are printed and ready to go for 30ish people. If I were too break up with him before the presentation I'd have to email the manger in charge and explain that am no longer in the relationship and change the presentation, plus them print out more handouts.

Maybe I'm reading that wrong. Breaking up with him now will ruin your presentation?? eh that seems kinda fcuked up.

writer_lady170

SterlingArcher wrote: »

Maybe I'm reading that wrong. Breaking up with him now will ruin your presentation?? eh that seems kinda fcuked up.

not quite, sorry it's kinda hard to explain, what I mean is it would be less stressful for me to wait until I've done the presentation, rather than go do the presentation in the middle of a break up. Put it this way, if I break up and do the presentation a few days later, it's natural that I'll be upset, and if I get upset in the middle of it I don't think it would be good

I'd rather do the presentation, have the talk afterwards, let myself cry etc, and move on with my life and do the next one a few months later

Penny Tration

writer_lady170 wrote: »

not quite, sorry it's kinda hard to explain, what I mean is it would be less stressful for me to wait until I've done the presentation, rather than go do the presentation in the middle of a break up. Put it this way, if I break up and do the presentation a few days later, it's natural that I'll be upset, and if I get upset in the middle of it I don't think it would be good

I'd rather do the presentation, have the talk afterwards, let myself cry etc, and move on with my life and do the next one a few months later

That's very unfair to him, though, holding out and leaving him not knowing that you're not happy, just to keep yourself calm for a presentation.

njs030

Honestly op as hard as it may be its quite selfish to string him along for 3 weeks to suit your work schedule.

Think how you would feel if it was done to you!

SterlingArcher

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

That's very unfair to him, though, holding out and leaving him not knowing that you're not happy, just to keep yourself calm for a presentation.

I'm specifically talking about when op says that she mentions her relationship in the presentation, and to break up now would require a reprint.

True, I don't know the ins and outs. still does not sound right.

writer_lady170

I can see where you're coming from on this guys..

Starokan

I would hold on until you see him next, he deserves to hear it in person, nothing worse than getting dumped by text or over phone.

Unless I read it wrong that fits in well with your schedule and the presentation will be over and done with by the time you guys next meet.

Don't worry about meeting someone else, if you can meet one person you can meet another. The most important thing for you both is that you no longer spend time in a relationship that is not good for you. One of you just needs the courage to end it, from what you say he has tried twice so perhaps this won't be as a big a shock to him as it might otherwise be.

Do it when you meet next, mind yourself while its all still fresh and move on. The most important thing after you break up is to occupy yourself, the more you have to do the less you will dwell on it

writer_lady170

thanks Starokan I might be starting a job and a course in the next few weeks so that should keep me busy

woodchuck

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

That's very unfair to him, though, holding out and leaving him not knowing that you're not happy, just to keep yourself calm for a presentation.

My understanding is that it's also to do with the distance and waiting until she's able to do it in person? I would've said it would be worse to do it by phone/text/email instead of waiting until a weekend where she's actually able to do it face to face (I think the presentation is just a secondary concern?)

writer_lady170

woodchuck wrote: »

My understanding is that it's also to do with the distance and waiting until she's able to do it in person? I would've said it would be worse to do it by phone/text/email instead of waiting until a weekend where she's actually able to do it face to face (I think the presentation is just a secondary concern?)

yes you're right woodchuck, I don't want to do it by text/email/skpye etc, he's had that done by his ex's before so I don't want it to cause him that kind of pain again. I won't be able to see him until the weekend after my presentation ( and that's a secondary concern) so want to do in person (presentation is being done on a Wednesday and I plan on going down to him on the Friday). Takes me four hours to get down by bus so the distance comes into it as well.

Sephiroth_dude

Well I hope it all goes well for you writer

writer_lady170

thanks steph

TheBeardedLady

Good luck, OP! I'm not envious but at least you've made a definite decision and are being considerate enough to be as kind possible about it. It won't be easy but it has to be done.

Littlekittylou

It is not easy but I hope for the best for you both, him and you. I hope you both grow in happiness from this. xx

writer_lady170

thanks for your replies kittylou and the beardard lady:) hopefully the time will fly in the meantime!

writer_lady170

so this is done, not quite the way I hoped it would happen but it's over now. Bit of an emotional wreck but sense of relief is huge. Thanks for your support and advice boards people

catonthewire

So relieved for you writer lady, take good care of yourself and stay strong x

Littlekittylou

I hope all is well maybe it's not now. But hopefully it will be.

writer_lady170

thanks guys, things could be better but could be way worse..left things on good terms, I'm hanging in there x