helping a parent adjust to retirement

dublinjen

Hi all,

Apologies if this is the wrong place to post this,

my beautiful, caring, generous mother is retiring from a long career this week. This is forced retirement due to age (public service) and she is devastated to say the least.

My mother has been the breadwinner in our home, she is independent and strong and loves her work. The thought of retirement has sent her to a shell of herself, she cries constantly and it breaks my heart. I have no experience with this and she wont go see anyone so I wanted to see if anyone has any tips on what I should do. I am really worried about her, and to be honest its affecting me a lot to see her this way.

People will probably ask about my father - they are married but he is a alcoholic, living at home, i think another source of her fear of retirement comes from having to be at home with him.

Boring username

Xbox for the win:

Serious answer-maybe get her to join one of those retirement groups that go on day trips nice places, or volunteer with an organisation? A friend of mine retired recently and joined one-he says it's great craic, they arrange something new and exciting every week. It's not like they sit around watching re-runs of One Foot In The Grave.

Kristopherus

If she retired on age grounds she should have known it was coming. A lot of the PS have retirement workshops that take about 2 days. Everything that normally occurs in life after retirement is covered. Was anything like that provided for her?

UCDVet

No disrespect - but this always makes me so sad to hear. I just can't understand how people can be upset about not going to work anymore. I mean, maybe other people just have better jobs than me - but retirement, should I ever get there, will be the best thing ever.

dublinjen

Kristopherus wrote: »

If she retired on age grounds she should have known it was coming. A lot of the PS have retirement workshops that take about 2 days. Everything that normally occurs in life after retirement is covered. Was anything like that provided for her?

She wouldnt go to it, to a certain degree I think she'd been in denial, there was talk of an extension which I think only exacerbated the problem. I don't think I can fully describe how much this has affected her. I'm not by any means saying she has no blame but all I want to do is figure out what to do next.

Lucyfur

MOD

Hi OP,

Would you like this moved to Oulwans 'n' Ouldfellas? A forum for retirement age?

dublinjen

UCDVet wrote: »

No disrespect - but this always makes me so sad to hear. I just can't understand how people can be upset about not going to work anymore. I mean, maybe other people just have better jobs than me - but retirement, should I ever get there, will be the best thing ever.

I suppose everythings realtive. I'd probably feel the same but she is extremely intelligent, has excelled at her job and despite having previous options to move to higher paid jobs stayed where she was because she truly loves her job.

dublinjen

Lucyfur wrote: »

MOD

Hi OP,

Would you like this moved to Oulwans 'n' Ouldfellas? A forum for retirement age?

Didn't know that existed, yes please

Yamanoto

Sounds like your Dad's the one in real need of help OP.

Plenty of ways for your Mum to stay active and contribute something worthwhile to her local community.

denismc

Many people can become institutionalized by working in the same job for many years, the change in routine can be very traumatic even when finances are secure, many people compare it to a bereavement especially if it has been forced upon them.
She needs something to put her energy into, a new hobby, grandchildren, volunteer work, something that will give her new confidence.
In the short term maybe give her something to get her out and about, some days or nights out with your family. Hopefully she will pick up and find some new joy in her life.

_Whimsical_

Get her an ipad! Load it with games like words like friends and quizup, make her an fb account and ad her friends and relations and authors she likes etc. Even if she's stuck inside more than she would otherwise have been she'll feel more connected to the world.

Really its natural that it be an emotional transition though. She's leaving behind everything familiar and the familiar concept of herself as young and capable and she probably worries that will ebb away and be replaced with a notion of herself as older and all the worry that naturally brings with it. I think you'll have to give her a little time to grieve the losses she might feel before she comes to the realisation that a brilliant life might await her in retirement if she's willing to grasp it.
Encourage her to volunteer in something she's interested in, to join a book group, to take a class in painting or yoga or whatever she's into. She'll eventually find she won't know how she ever found time to go to work, really, I've seen it happen to loads of people my mum is friends with. Infact I quite envy alot of them. One lady in particular volunteers in a primary school homework club and loves it so much, she's living out her childhood dream of being a teacher, rather than a banker as she spent most of her life at.
For now make plenty chances to bring her for a coffee during the day and doing those small nice things she couldn't do when she was working. She'll get her groove back, don't worry!

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Having retired a few years ago I know it can be a big change but it is a matter of closing the door on your working life and getting on with new challenges.
Your mother can get involved in many things outside the home. She must have done something when not at work other than stay at home.
She can volunteer at a charity shop, become a tutor for adults with literacy problems, become involved in parish groups if she is religious. Do daytime education or craft classes. Long walks are even good for mind and body.

Tell me how

This thought has been on my mind also for some time as my mother is due to retire this summer.

My dad has been retired some years and has dealt with it very well but it took some effort (and still does). After retiring, he got a part time job over the next couple of years working a few days a week about 6 months work around the summer period. That eased him into retirement and gave him a social outlet as well over that time. This might not be an option for your mother but maybe finding something which she can treat like a job may help. Even if it is only one day a week but that sense of purpose is key I think. I imagine that if you have nothing to do then it can be very difficult to put the time down. My mother has discussed possibly a few hours helping in a charity shop or even calling to a hospital or an old folks home to visit people who may not have regular visitors as something which she may devote an afternoon a week to. The hope is that she will find something that becomes "her thing" it doesn't have to provide an income or take 40 hours per week but it may provide a focus to occupy the mind and help her to feel she has a purpose.

If possible, maybe suggest finding a way to fill the first month after her retirement, a trip here, a specific job for a day there and so on which again may help with respect to the transition. If that is somewhat successful it may be less daunting for her. Not every day has to be completely planned or at a 100 mph an hour pace but knowing that she will not be left looking at the same four walls day after day may help.

Have you spoken to your mother specifically about how she feels about it and if she is concerned then what are the key points which are worrying her? If someone feels that they will have financial issues when they retire then suggesting charity work will not help them relax. You mentioned that she is good at her job, independent and strong. Maybe she feels that the job defines her and without the job she may lose that identity. If you and your siblings (if you have any) can tell her how much ye care for her and recognize what she has done for the home all her life then hopefully that may help her feel better. As a previous poster mentioned, there may be retirement workshops which are definitely worth attending while they are an option for her.

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers, understanding the source of the discomfort is the first step to overcoming it. You obviously care a lot for her so hopefully you can help her to get to a place where she can deal with this without getting too upset. Good luck.

looksee

OP, welcome to O&O. There have been some useful suggestions so far, also some replies that are less than helpful by people who are no-where near retirement and have no idea of the issues that can arise. Not everyone has a problem with retirement, but some do, and there is no point apportioning any sort of blame.

In the end she does have to make the decision to go out and do things, but in her present situation I wonder if there would be any advantage in talking to her GP and/or maybe to a counsellor?

Mod
On the subject of her husband needing help, that is not the issue here. Can we keep the discussion on topic please.

dublinjen

Thank you everyone, you've given me a lot to think about and some really helpful suggestions.


My mother is the type of person who doesnt go to a doctor unless shes on her deathbed but I think I might just take a morning off this week and bring her to a doctor myself.

looksee

Then take her for lunch somewhere and have a gossip!

Jellybaby1

We O & O's have been talking about this subject for a long time as you will see from the links below. I hope you find some way for your mum to busy herself. I understand very well what its like to sit in the house, all the housework done hours ago and nothing to keep the brain ticking over. Luckily I have oodles of interests which got my backside off the sofa and out into the world. Personally, I wouldn't recommend getting your mum interested in those violent video games, I think they might change her personality, I can't get over that old dear in the Youtube video, she's scary! Check back with us and let us know how things are going. Voluntary work would be a good first step. Check out http://volunteering.force.com/OpportunitySearch to see what might appeal to her. Good luck! Here are the other conversations here about retirement:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=74151053

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057305963

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=74216364

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=71065045

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=80931781

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=78979707

Layinghen

OP I am sorry to read that your Mum is so upset about retiring. One thing that concerns me is that she didn't attend the pre retirement course that was made available to her. These courses give a lot of information about how to cope in retirement but also very good advice in how to sort out your pension benefits.

It is very important that she gets the best out of her pension package and you really need advice on this. I would be worried that if she is in such denial about retiring that she might not have given much thought to her future pension.

The HR dept are there to help her but she really needs to talk to them BEFORE her last day at work. Perhaps you could try and raise this subject with her and maybe even offer to meet HR with her and possibly a pension advisor.

She may have all this in hand but it is certainly worth checking out.

campingcarist

Has she got any hobbies or pastimes?