Need alternative perspectives on this one

Lady_Penelope

Hi,

I'm really struggling with this one and maybe boards can help, please be kind and discerning in your feedback, it's hard to represent an entire relationship in a couple of paragraphs.

The background is that I am with my partner for nearly 2 years, both early 30s. About a year after we met he started to share some fantasies that I am not into (kink related stuff without going into detail). It became a bit of an issue for me but he has been flexible about the fact that I dont share these. He is a very caring boyfriend, treats me really well and has told me he loves me, wants to be with me forever, have kids. I have always been skeptical person in relationships and have had doubts in this relationship too that I have been upfront with him about from early on (not about his behaviour, but about my feelings and what's right for me).

We have had a number of stressful events lately that have been hard for both of us and a lot of transitions in both our lives so I suppose that is the backdrop to all this too - and I suppose I became more focussed on my doubts, recently I shared these with him (again), I was so lost about things at this point that I suggested having a break and seeing other people might help me to get perspective.

Long talks, he initially agreed to try this but then suggested an open relationship instead of a trail separation. This didn't sit well for me as I would find it mind-twisting but I agreed out of a sense of fairness to him because i knew I pulled the rug completely from under him with bringing my doubts and trial separation up in the first place. (he came to want the open relationship after thinking about it, on the basis that he was so shaken by my doubts, but then knowing how i felt about it after a week or so said he just wants me and for me to be happy with him) so we agreed not to go down either route (break up or open relationship) and to work on us.

He has been making a huge effort (as he always does) but I came across a dating profile for an adult dating/kink website (i knew he had profiles set up from the time we were (short term) agreeing to do the open relationship and had started to pursue this during that time) so this in itself wouldnt have bothered me too much and I would have just asked him to delete his profile/s.

The thing is that I could see from the site that his last log in was noted as a day or two after we had agreed to do away with that idea and he told me he wouldnt pursue it (no strings dating/open relationship)

I confronted him about this and he is adamant he wasnt on any sites since we agreed this. He was defensive about it, had no explanation except that he just wasnt on the sites. He has always been adamant that he hates cheating and would never cheat. I really do love him and yet this on top of my initial doubts, I am feeling so confused now.

What i am really wondering about here is whether the information on these sites is always accurate? - the only thing I can think of is that he may have forgot to log out days earlier or something and was auto logged out. I dont think i will ever know and maybe just have to believe him and move on? Im not sure what to do and my trust is damaged by this, although this particular situation isn't black and white.

Sorry about the long post but I want to give the context to help understanding of this situation.
I'd appreciate your perspectives on this or if anyone has had a similar experience of a relationship?
Thanks

amdublin

I don't think it was wise to agree to an open relationship when it's not what you wanted.

I am also not really sure what you wanted to gain from a trial separation.

Do/did you want to break up when you suggested the trial separation?

Lady_Penelope

Thanks for your reply Amdublin

I agree, it wasnt wise and I suppose we both went back on what we had initially agreed, talked everything out until we were happy with things enough to move on (and the plan was to give each other a bit more space, and to go out together to get away from the mundane with each other). THB I never really agreed and did stress that i couldnt do that but he stressed it so much during our initial conversation, i did listen to the rationale for it and consider, it was back and forth and he took it that i had agreed. He was away the following day so we didnt get to speak about it again for a few days. It's true, I should have been firm about it form the first mention of it.

I thought a break up for a period would help me sort my head out, figure out what I wanted. I had been single for a long time before i met him and not really dating and at the longer the relationship the more committed one naturally becomes or should become so i was trying to achieve a greater level of certainty for myself in moving forward i suppose. It was selfish but i really felt i needed to do something other than what i had been doing to figure it out for myself.

Big Bag of Chips

Your whole post seems to be full of doubt and uncertainty. Relationships aren't supposed to be such hard work.

I usually find when one person starts talking about breaks or breakups that they have already made up their mind that the relationship isn't working for them. Continuing it on by agreeing to something you're not particularly happy with is just putting off the inevitable.

Panthro

Do you genuninly love your partner OP?
I read you're first post and thought it sounds like he's more of a back up partner rather than the love of your life tbh.

R.D. aka MR.D

It's strange that you seem so ambivalent about your boyfriend but then seem so upset about this.

I feel bad for him in this situation. I've been there, in love with someone who would one minute be in love with me and the next saying that they didn't know what they want and maybe we should go on a break. It's tiring.

You should really figure out what you want and stop messing him about.

orthsquel

I'm a bit surprised that whether or not he was on the site, or what way he was logged out or logged in or when is top of the list over all else... in the sense you are finding a reason to zone in on something that spells out to you "don't trust him" and finding a reason to not be in a relationship with him, like you are trying to find something, anything, to validate your doubts and end the relationship.

But it's not him that you are doubting in this relationship, it's you actually, isn't it? Why are you protecting yourself from hurt and preventing yourself from enjoying what should be a happy and loving relationship? Why are you attempting to sabotage a relationship with someone you love who has told you repeatedly they want to be with you? And now you want to zone in on whether or not he was logged in days after you agree to do away with the idea of an open relationship? It just sounds to me like you're trying to find any excuse, any reason, anything at all to tell you he doesn't really love you and doesn't really mean what he says, when he says he wants to be with you.

Can you see where I'm going with this? It's not about him, it's all about you, and whatever issues inside you are preventing you from enjoying a relationship with someone who loves you.

Time out

In relation to the log on timeline - I wouldnt say the "last login time" is too reliable especially if it is a number of months previously. The website could be trying to show it is busier than it is actually is.
IMHO the open relationship / trial seperation is just a sign that the you two are on the way to a break up. Its definately not a sign of healthy relationship!

Emme

He's into kink, you're not. He wants an open relationship, you don't. If you're adamant on those two things then do the guy a favour and break up with him.

Littlekittylou

You sound like you want to be with him because you want to be with someone but not with him specifically as you have very different needs. He can't full fill your needs and you can't give him an open relationship etc without hurting yourself. Open relationships or sexual performances need to be something you are both on board with.

Shrap

Lady_Penelope wrote: »

- and I suppose I became more focussed on my doubts, recently I shared these with him (again), I was so lost about things at this point that I suggested having a break and seeing other people might help me to get perspective.

Long talks, he initially agreed to try this but then suggested an open relationship instead of a trail separation. This didn't sit well for me as I would find it mind-twisting

Ok OP, in these few short sentences, I think you have it in a nutshell. You're right of course that you can't describe a full relationship in one post, but you can hit the nail on the head regarding the problem and I think you've done that here.

Soo....Contradictory much hon?! You focussed on your doubts, suggested breaking up and seeing other people, thereby pretty much inviting a suggestion of an open relationship from a partner who doesn't want to lose you but has heard you about wanting to see other people "for perspective".

In attempting to accommodate your needs (at least the ones you are communicating to him), he suggests an open relationship which you take up as being too mind-twisting (as if breaking up and seeing other people "for perspective" isn't??). For what it's worth, either of those scenarios would do my head in and I can't imagine my relationship recovering from the doubts they would generate.

Now you are struggling with the fact that he went down the route of allowing himself to explore (emotionally, say..) his more kinky interests. As a previous poster said, that he was logged in 2 days after you agreed the open relationship thing wasn't a goer is the least of your worries. Your doubts and your apparent expectations (that somehow he can magically fix your feelings if only he could be psychic enough to know that the things you suggest would be bad for you) are clearly very much more problematic.

TBH, either sh1t or get off the pot. He sounds like a nice man who is trying very hard to understand what you need, and it seems to me that you're messing with his and your own heads much more than he is with you. Perhaps counselling? Because you sound very, very confused about what you want from him and that's not fair on either of you.

Ps. Just realised - have you been second guessing him as to what he wants? My theory is that he once suggested that he's into the idea/reality of threesomes or more, and now you are constantly testing him to see if he'd prefer that to "just" being with you? Now you feel you've caught him out in that fantasy, in spite of having basically honey-trapped him into it.....

Sorry if that's way off or sounds harsh, but believe me I've seen what insecurities and doubts can do to a relationship. You'll never feel safe with someone unless you address your fears hon....no matter what the other partner does to try and reassure you.