Hate my job - confidence destroyed.

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

So I started working for a large international company last year after spending a few years abroad. The job itself is quite good although the salary isn’t great. I was working in my original position up until December / January then I was asked to move to another team in the same department. The new position is quite similar to my old position.

I had my appraisals in December and got a pretty good review. The old manager said I was doing a great job and my new manager was full of praise too. She said that I am learning new position quicker than expected. Even my director is happy with my progress in the company.

My issues is that I hate coming into work every day. I never fitted in well with anyone in the department and never made any good friends. When I first started, I was never invited for lunch with anyone. Most people on my team either eat lunch at their desks and went to the company gym. While there was a big group of people from my department went to the canteen for their lunch. I am not usually that shy of a guy but never picked up the nerve to just go to the canteen and sit on my own or just join the group uninvited. It has now come too far and too long for either to happen. It needs to happen at the start of working or it would just feel too weird doing it now.

For as long as I could remember I only made small talk with people in work. This has had an overwhelming effect on me. Since I never made any friends it feels like I can’t properly express my personality. I fell so incredibly stressed every day. I go to the gym during my lunch break, eat healthy and get 7/8 hours sleep a night. But still feel extremely tired all the time. Sometimes I get so tired and stressed I feel like I about to vomit. I find it hard to focus and even my eye sight can get blurred. I get constant tension headaches everyday and a very stiff neck. I can wake up in the middle of the night dreading going into work. I always get a fear that I will somehow sleep it out and it gets very difficult to get up in the mornings. I always played sports but since I’ve started working I don’t have the energy to play. I have lost all confidence in myself and find it difficult to talk to people now without blushing or know where to look – unable to keep eye contact. I am not even able to shake it off at the weekends. Instead of socialising with friends outside work I tend to just stay in and try to rest. The constant tiredness and headaches make me feel extremely down. I am also very tense all the time.

I could easily do without the friends or socialising in work if I could only feel myself. I put up a front in work so show people that I am a positive and outgoing. I also try to make small talk too but again tiredness kicks in and I can go quite for the rest of the day.

I had a week off work at Christmas and a lot of my symptoms either went away or decreased. It was great. This has me feeling that maybe it’s not a mental illness.

I have a girlfriend who went back to her own for the next few months while she waits for her passport. She won’t receive her passport till the end of the year. My plan was to stay in my job then go on holidays to visit her and travel with her for 3 or 4 weeks in May. Then when I come back I will look for a new job. I don’t have the money to go any sooner. If I change jobs now I wont get the holidays in the new job. She is putting a lot of pressure on me to do this. But I’m not too sure I can last it out in work. I want my life back. I want to go back playing sport. I want to socialise again. I want to feel myself. I’m also scared that if I move jobs that I could easily feel the same way and that it all could be a mental illness.

So can anyone offer me any advice?

Glitter

It does sound like maybe you're a bit down on yourself alright. I don't know if I would call that a 'mental illness' though. In any case, we're not allowed to cast any kind of diagnostic aspersions on this forum.

It's a little odd to invest so much in socialising at work / with work people, especially as you say you have a life outside of it full up with friends and playing sport and your girlfriend (even if she's away at the moment).

Why can't you just go in and do your job well (it sounds like management are really happy with you), be open and friendly when interacting with people in there; and then just get on with your life outside the office.

If you feel there is more to it internally then go to your GP or and/seek counselling. There are loads of good services out there.

Matteroffact

You are wearing yourself out worrying about your social interaction at work and what you have to do to change it is to make the effort to go to the canteen and speak to the people who are there. Ask them to move over and make room for you at their table. They are alienating you because you are giving them the impression that you can't be bothered with their company. I am sure they would be delighted to include you if you would just open up to them. My best bit of advice would be to make the effort, just do it and you won't know yourself. It is not too late to do this and stop telling yourself it is, it is never too late. If I were you I would force myself to join others in the canteen. Stop feeding yourself negative thoughts or you will never get anywhere. I am sure the people in the canteen would welcome you with open arms if they only knew that you wanted to join them and they won't know this unless you make the effort. I wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

Do you only hate going into work because of the socialisation thing? Is that all there is to it?
Something is bothering you OP, it's hard to tell what exactly. Those kind of symptoms tend to go with some sort of anxiety, and you probably need to have a think and see if you can figure out what exactly the cause might be.
As someone else said, I don't think it's a "mental illness" of any sort, but these kind of things tend to feed off themselves - you are worried about socialising in work, you get tired from the worry, you go home and worry about being tired from worrying, then you can't go out at weekends because you're tired of worrying and you worry about not going out at weekends and being tired from the worry.......you said it yourself " if I could only feel myself". I've been in a similar thinking position myself, and it takes some work to snap out of it. But it can be done. It is self-perpetuating though.
Make small efforts at work to be friendly, and don't worry if you "go quiet". That's ok. We don't all have to be all-singing, all-dancing, all day long. To be honest, I've had a couple of jobs, and I don't ever really "make good friends" at them. I'm not unfriendly, I'm just polite and have small chats here and there, then walk out the door at 5pm. My good friends are outside work, the ones I met in college and school, my husband and family etc. Work colleagues come and go.Don't worry too much about lunch either, each to their own. I think it's a good suggestion to maybe think about talking to a counsellor or GP, even just a couple of times. You might just need some outside input to make you see things differently. Sometimes that's all it takes.

orthsquel

First thing you should do is make an appointment for your GP and discuss the blurry vision, the stress, tiredness, headaches, etc and see what they can do for you, and take things from what they discuss with you.

It's never too late to sit down and have lunch with someone, even join a group to sit with. All it takes is just the will and courage to do it and people would respect that. In one job I started in with the same group, over time people left and eventually I'd be there with someone and then I was randomly joined with someone from another department, or 2nd in command manager would be sitting there, or my own manager, people from other departments and it was all down to timing, vacant seats and people maybe just wanting to engage socially or sit for the few minutes and leave the work stuff outside the canteen door.

Stress can have a massive impact, especially if you feel like you are walking into a negative environment to work, where nobody's really your ally and yet nobody is really an enemy but nobody's really making you feel welcomed... and maybe they think they don't really need to, if you're being seen as positive and outgoing, then maybe people think you are choosing to be aloof and would prefer to be left alone.

If you continue as you are going, even with the plan by the end of the year, you could be burned out and stressed out working in a negative environment and eventually alienating yourself from your friends, and that all would be particularly worrying.

Speak to your GP about what you're experiencing in terms of headaches, tiredness, stress etc and ask them about helping you deal with stress and preventing burn out and things like anxiety or dread in going into work.

Rubberchikken

You diagnosed it in the title - you hate your job.
That is going to cause a feeling of misery no matter what else you do or try to do.

I realise you need to stay there and save to go on holidays and that sems a fair bit away so you have to decide if it's worth sticking with it or starting the job hint immediately.

Good luck with your decisions.

Wompa1

I'm in the same boat. Hate my job. Also trying to hold out until May so I can take a three week holiday. Only not being pressured by a girlfriend for it.

I've hated most of my jobs. Hating my job is something I've come to accept in the short term. I'm not married, I don't have kids, I don't have any debt. I focus on the things I want. I grind my teeth during the day listening to the BS some of my co-workers come out with. I'm fed up with poor management and tired of some of the more repetitive work I've got to do.

I'm also fake smiling and fake laughing a lot. Which is also exhausting. I have not been invited for lunch or any of that but I prefer that because I need a break from the fakeness for a while.

The headaches and the soreness are crappy, I'd just suggest you learn to deal with it and focus on what you're working towards. Also, keep looking for a new job, that can be a distraction for you. When the end of March rolls around, go after a new job and tell them you want to start on the first week of June when you've got the offer. Good luck.