If your date is a terrible dresser?

Spirogyra

Can this barrier ever be overcome? No interest in his appearance at all and incredibly drab. What brought us together was good intellectual conversation, but awful dress sense,it's as though appearance wasn't even considered,and hygiene not great either. Are two such opposites in this sense ever compatible?.

seventeen sheep

It depends on what you're into. Personally I'd be far more turned off by a guy who was very into fashion than by a guy who dressed in "drab" clothes.

Lack of personal hygiene in the early stages, however, would be a no-go for me. If he's like that now, when (I'm guessing) you're just dating, imagine what he'd be like when he gets more settled in the relationship ... :eek:

1357

Sure, the outside of the book is a bit beaten up, not to mention the sh*tty design on the cover - but if you read the inside, you will find that it's actually a great book.

Keane2baMused

Dress sense not a huge issue per say..hygiene however is!

If he won't turn up to a date clean I would dread to think what he's like at home!

Matteroffact

His appearance and his hygiene is all part of who he is and if you don't find that attractive then you will never get used to it. To me it would be a deal breaker.

1357

What I meant to say is...

If the outside of the book is in decent condition, no rips or tears, pages are fresh, binding all good - but the design of the cover is really bad - it doesn't mean it is isn't going to be a good read.

As long as when you pick the book up to read for a night and it's pages are fresh, the cover is clean and there are no creases then all in all you should have a great read. If I was a book being picked up to be read by somebody for a night, you can be sure that despite the sh*tty job somebody did of designing my cover, I would want my pages to be not folded and in fresh condition. Before being read I would for sure wipe my front cover, back cover and my binding with some sort of mild cleaning agent.

I hope you have a great read and a great life.

Stavro Mueller

Funny how you highlighted this guy's dress sense and bumped his personal hygiene issues down to second place. Over time I could see this becoming a far bigger issue. Personally I'd find it hard to get intimate with someone who needed a shower and a change of underwear. As things stand this guy's appearance and personal hygiene are an issue for you and you're expressing doubts. So realistically unless he changes his ways you're just going to stop being attracted to him. The only alternative is to have a word with him and that could go any way.

retro:electro

The dress thing wouldn't bother me so much, some guys just aren't into fashion and that's alright. The hygiene thing though would be a deal breaker.

LynnGrace

anna080 wrote: »

The dress thing wouldn't bother me so much, some guys just aren't into fashion and that's alright. The hygiene thing though would be a deal breaker.

Same here. Lack of hygiene would bother me far more than how someone dressed.

Tokyo

For me, the early stages of dating is that learning area where you get to see if you are compatible enough with the other person for things to go further, and from what you've posted so far, it sounds like you are still in that stage with this guy.

Nobody is perfect, but if you're finding fault with how he dresses and his personal hygiene at these initial stages, maybe he's simply not the person for you? That's not a judgement of you by the way - we all have our different deal breakers in relationships, but have you considered that if you want to change him after just a couple of dates, that there simply may be somebody more suited to you out there?

tara73

did you talk to him about the hygiene issues? I would say talk to him first about it if possible. He might not be aware of it and can't read your mind.
I mean, it also depends on what it is exactly, if he's not showering for a couple of days or not changing underwear it's very understandable it's an issue but if you think he should brush his teeth after every meal, it's your issue. you know what I mean.:)

The dress style also. how bad is it? is it he's going out in tatters and you feel embarrassed going out in public with him or is it he just wears unfashioned/old or weird coloured clothes, but in general they are ok?
It's abit more tricky here because it's coming across as demanding and controlling to tell a person/potential bf what to wear or what not to wear especially in the first stages of dating.

strobe

Spirogyra wrote: »

Can this barrier ever be overcome? No interest in his appearance at all and incredibly drab. What brought us together was good intellectual conversation, but awful dress sense,it's as though appearance wasn't even considered,and hygiene not great either. Are two such opposites in this sense ever compatible?.

The fact that it was a big enough deal for you to start a thread about it tells me you should just go your separate ways. Sounds like you've only had one date? Just head off in opposite directions and each find someone else I'd say. No harm done. You could have intellectual conversations as friends maybe? But to be honest it sounds like you just don't fancy the guy. If you don't wanna tear their clothes off upon seeing them (and not because you think they're awful clothes), then just move on. Best for both of you. No point trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole.

Dr. Lollington

Yeah I don't think you'd be bringing it up if there wasn't more to it that him wearing Cedarwood State all the time or whatever. I find myself awfully dressed sometimes and sometimes my dad seems more in touch with fashion than I do but my poor fiance tolerates it none the less. I suppose I probably make up for it in being absolutely gorgeous but the old saying goes, the clothes don't make the man.

beks101

The clothes don't make the man but a little bit of effort wouldn't go astray like. I found myself in this position once or twice when I was on the dating scene - deadly guy, lots of banter and chemistry, definite attraction but he just could. not. be. arsed clothes-wise and appearance-wise and it was a big turn-off.

Now I'm no dollybird myself but I'd always turn myself out well and if I was going on a date there'd be serious effort with the clothes, the hair, the makeup etc. It's kind of part and parcel of the dating ritual I would've thought? Don't you want this woman that you fancy to be attracted to you, to want to get physical with you, to want to see you again?

I dunno OP, I guess I'd agree with the others that if it's bugging you at this early a stage and it's something you feel will always bother you, however big or small an annoyance it is, it might be time to reconsider the guy in question. It's not on you to change him and it's an awkward conversation to have, especially if you don't know him that well.

zoobizoo

Friend of mine was a terrible dresser.

His new girlfriend was pretty funky and fashionable.

Last time I saw him in couldn't believe how much better he was dressed. she basically helped him pick out his clothes..... He Hadn't a clue.

MagicMarker

TBH I'd find someone who dumped someone because they were a bad dresser to be a pretty awful, shallow person.

Hygiene is another thing altogether, but the thread title doesn't mention anything about that!

beks101

MagicMarker wrote: »

TBH I'd find someone who dumped someone because they were a bad dresser to be a pretty awful, shallow person.

Hygiene is another thing altogether, but the thread title doesn't mention anything about that!

Why? People lose attraction for others for all types of reasons related to their physical appearance, lord knows we've seen enough weight threads around here, clothing and appearance and the effort made is just another example of that. Kinda how this whole lurve business works.

It extends to all aspects of life - if you're hiring, are you going to recruit the guy in a sharp, tailored suit with a clean hair cut who looks the part, or are you going to take a chance on the guy with old jeans that are ripped at the end, a faded t-shirt with holes in it and who looks unshowered?

From my personal experience, I'd consider it a good way of gauging whether or not a guy has his sh1t together as I've never been too far off the mark with it.

Matteroffact

A guy doesn't have to wear the latest fashion or styles but he needs to be clean, neat and tidy.

Stavro Mueller

The OP didn't specify specifically what he is wearing but I get the impression that he's going around in the sorts of clothes that most people keep in the back of their wardrobe for when they next paint the walls. Clothes that may not have been particularly nice in the first place but now make him look like a tramp. It could be argued that the clothes he wears and his not being too clean are two sides of the same coin.

Which goes back to the OP's initial issue. I reckon she started the thread here in the hope that she could get over her disappointment at how he looks. As things stand he's potentially a good friend but nothing more.

MagicMarker

beks101 wrote: »

Why? People lose attraction for others for all types of reasons related to their physical appearance, lord knows we've seen enough weight threads around here, clothing and appearance and the effort made is just another example of that. Kinda how this whole lurve business works.

So you're getting on great with a guy, lots of chemistry, but you turn him down because you don't like his sense of style, or lack thereof? Puh-lease.... It's the very definition of shallow. It's so unbelievably superficial I can't see how anyone could possibly think it were anything but.

beks101

MagicMarker wrote: »

So you're getting on great with a guy, lots of chemistry, but you turn him down because you don't like his sense of style, or lack thereof? Puh-lease.... It's the very definition of shallow. It's so unbelievably superficial I can't see how anyone could possibly think it were anything but.

Or how about he rocks up on multiple dates in a row wearing the same dirty torn t-shirt and ripped jeans, reeking of fags and sweat and generally looking unwashed?

It's got nothing to do with style or "ewww he's wearing a Penneys t-shirt" or whatever, it's to do with the general regard or lack of that he has for his appearance and how he's presenting himself to the world.

Take a shower like. Wear a nice shirt and make sure it's washed. These are basic things that most people learn early on in life, not shallow, unreasonable requests. Particularly when you're keen to attract someone romantically.

MagicMarker

beks101 wrote: »

Or how about he rocks up on multiple dates in a row wearing the same dirty torn t-shirt and ripped jeans, reeking of fags and generally looking unwashed?

It's got nothing to do with style or "ewww he's wearing a Penneys t-shirt" or whatever, it's to do with the general regard or lack of that he has for his appearance and how he's presenting himself to the world.

Take a shower like. Wear a nice shirt and make sure it's washed. These are basic things that most people learn early on in life, not shallow, unreasonable requests. Particularly when you're keen to attract someone romantically.

These all fall within hygiene, which I wasn't referring to in my original post.

Matteroffact

Men have been attracted physically to women for years and how they dress, are not women entitled to see men in the same light ? Nice clothes, nice appearance goes a long way. Of course nice personality goes a long way too, but it all adds up, can't have one without the other if you want to pull out all the stops and be attractive to the opposite sex. It's just the way it goes and you can say what you like about it but the OP is quite entitled not to find a man who doesn't dress well attractive.

beks101

MagicMarker wrote: »

These all fall within hygiene, which I wasn't referring to in my original post.

Clothing part doesn't necessarily. Old, shabby clothes in bad condition. What he'd wear in a lazy day around the house. Just not arsed. I am arsed in a general sense and learned when I was yay-high that if you're rocking up to a special event, you make an effort.

Granted OP was pretty vague so it's probably on her to provide more detail, but I didn't get the sense that she was talking about the guy not dressing like David Beckham being the turn-off.

MagicMarker

Matteroffact wrote: »

Men have been attracted physically to women for years and how they dress, are not women entitled to see men in the same light

Are you speaking for all men here? I couldn't give a fiddler's toss how a woman dresses.

This has nothing to do with gender ffs.

Teyla Emmagan

Poor hygiene would be a definite no no for me. I couldn't care what he was wearing but if he wasn't clean I wouldn't touch him.

leonidas83

Spirogyra wrote: »

Can this barrier ever be overcome? No interest in his appearance at all and incredibly drab. What brought us together was good intellectual conversation, but awful dress sense,it's as though appearance wasn't even considered,and hygiene not great either. Are two such opposites in this sense ever compatible?.

I don't know OP, I'd say check him out between the sheets & if he's no good there aswell, you're probably better off just leaving it

osarusan

There was a thread on here a few months ago in which somebody was wondering if music choice was worth breaking up over. In this thread it is clothes (and hygiene*).

People might think it's crazy to break up with somebody for these reasons, but if they are something you feel strongly enough about, then that's just how you feel. We all probably have some point about a partner that is important to us but wouldn't generally be important.

*Hygiene is different - this isn't something to just put up with. Is it something the guy is blissfully unaware of, or simply isn't too bothered about?

Either way, unless you mention it, it will probably not change for the better. You can decide if the relationship is worth that hurdle or not.

osarusan

beks101 wrote: »

These are basic things that most people learn early on in life

beks101 wrote: »

I am arsed in a general sense and learned when I was yay-high that if you're rocking up to a special event, you make an effort.

See, I don't really agree with this. I don't think it's a matter of right and wrong, and something that should be learned.

There's nothing wrong, in my opinion, with not giving a crap about making any effort not to look shabby.* But if you are with somebody who feels it is important to make that effort not to look shabby, there might be a feeling of incompatability. I don't think there is one side more to blame than the other, no more than a vegetarian has qualms about dating a meat-eater or vice versa.

*Again, unless shabby strays into dirty and unhygienic, in which case it's a different issue.

TheBeardedLady

To agree with the above, it depends what's important to you. I think I voiced my opinion that I probably wouldn't go for a guy who was a massive One Direction fan because having a "decent" taste in music (i.e. not just whatever is in the charts) or being open to music of different kinds is my "thing" (and a few posters couldn't understand that). Last night my boyfriend and I sat in putting our favourite music on for each other, which we both liked and without sounding sappy, it brings us closer together - that shared hobby is important to me personally though our taste in music is quite different.

On the other hand, my boyfriend is going shopping for the first time in a few years today (he's been out of work and just got a job). I don't go for stylish men and am happy with him in his jeans and jumpers, even on a date (I think that's what he wore on our first date). He's always neat and he's always clean and that's what's important to me clothes-wise.

That's what it comes down to - it's a personal preference. If you feel it's something that'll grate on you as time goes on, leave it. The fact that you've started a thread on it suggests it is so I'd have a think about that.

Good luck!

Spirogyra

Thanks all, I very much like my style, I don't wear a full face of make up most of the time, but I take an interest in fashion , different trends etc without being terribly dainty, I'd find it hard to be with someone who took no care of how they dressed at all....hair, clothes, just dull and drab, he wasn't dirty just hadn't showered, but I suppose I ultimately am probably not physically attracted to him, maybe if I was, his clothes might not be such an issue, there was a number of happy telephone conversations between us before meeting up, but if there was real physical attraction, maybe his clothes or odour would not matter so much to me ?.

tara73

Spirogyra wrote: »

, but I suppose I ultimately am probably not physically attracted to him, maybe if I was, his clothes might not be such an issue, there was a number of happy telephone conversations between us before meeting up, but if there was real physical attraction, maybe his clothes or odour would not matter so much to me ?.

this hits the nail on the head.
was about to write it but good you came to the conclusion yourself.

if you really fall for a person, especially in the first stages of meeting him or her, you don't really care for clothes or even hygiene (if it's not too bad). it would bother you a bit but the attraction or feeling of having found a soulmate would outweigh the other superficial issues. speaking from experience.

Spirogyra

Got a message from him on my phone last night, does one have to be in some way physically attracted to someone? he had his arm around me, I didn't feel comfortable, and when I went to the toilet, after about an hour, he was gone, made excuses about an emergency, but I don't believe him, probably sensed my discomfort.....

Tokyo

I'm not sure what your question is here anymore OP. On one hand you are asking us if you should date this guy, while at the same time telling us pretty much everything that puts you off him?!

Should there be an attraction there? I think so, yes - I certainly wouldn't consider 'when he had his arm around me, I didn't feel comfortable' as a sign of good things to come. Should you date him? I can't tell you that, but everything you've said so far points towards 'probably not'. You're not physically attracted to this guy, and it's now obvious to anybody observing, including him. He's making excuses to leave, rather than put himself through any more embarrassing interactions. That says a lot.

Time to cut ties, I think, and find someone you are more suited to, for his sake as much as your own.



P.S. I hope I'm reading the above wrong, and you didn't hide out in the bathroom for an hour, to come out and be surprised that he was leaving.

seventeen sheep

Spirogyra wrote: »

Got a message from him on my phone last night, does one have to be in some way physically attracted to someone? he had his arm around me, I didn't feel comfortable, and when I went to the toilet, after about an hour, he was gone, made excuses about an emergency, but I don't believe him, probably sensed my discomfort.....

Again, you seem to be missing the bigger issue - this time, of him doing a runner while you were in the loo.

It seems clear neither of you are all that into each other - why try to force things? Find someone you like, and are attracted to, and who feels the same about you.

RossFixxxed

It's clearly not just over, but it never really began. You're not attracted to him, you don't like how he looks, and he ran off after only an hour, while you were in the loo. It seems pretty clear cut to me.

nisio123

Few thoughts here, if the cover is well designed but also well worn it's a testament to content.

Lots of people read it, and loved it and passed it on to their friends, who also had a good read etc..

I'd be wary of clean cover, could be tomorrows "to kill a mockingbird" but how long can you wait to find out?

If your not feeling adventurous, get a kindle and download loads of ebook's.