Need proof of abusive wife's affair

Advice needed please

Hi everyone,

I will keep the detail minimum here, for obvious reasons.

My wife and I are currently separating. She has been mentally and emotionally abusing me throughout our 10 yr marriage.

She also has been threatening towards our two children. I have gone down the relative routes for these issues.

She is quite delusional, and has told her solicitor and anyone who'll listen, that I am having an affair with a platonic female co worker. However, as irony would have it, I recently have found out through texts and emails, that she has begun an affair with one of my friends. A double betrayal.

Having read the written proof, my solicitor advised me to get as much more visual proof as possible, to be used in the upcoming battle I will have, to father my 2 young children on my own, as I do not believe she is capable of being a proper mother. I already look after their every need.

My question here, is has anybody any knowledge or information on home surveillance, hidden cameras or the like. Something that can capture video or images, without me having to 'walk in on them', as she has already been physically violent to me, and I am not even in a position to protect myself, as this will be turned and used against me.

Thanks to everyone in advance.

lovelyjubbly

I'm not sure why your solicitor requested visual proof of an affair especially if you have written proof. Firstly having an affair does not make someone unable to be a parent and secondly I believe that home surveillance would reflect very poorly on you, if you think about it. It could very easily be interpreted as intimidation. This is a very bad idea.

Advice needed please

lovelyjubbly wrote: »

I'm not sure why your solicitor requested visual proof of an affair especially if you have written proof. Firstly having an affair does not make someone unable to be a parent and secondly I believe that home surveillance would reflect very poorly on you, if you think about it. It could very easily be interpreted as intimidation. This is a very bad idea.

Thanks for the reply. Just to clarify, having an affair does not make her a bad parent, but being emotionally and mentally abusive, while also being threatening to our young children, does. Like I said, I haven't given specific details of incidents here, as I don't want this to be recognised. But as mentioned, these incidents have been reported to the relevant organisations.

Since the law does not typically favour fathers over mothers, I know I have a battle on my hands. While written evidence can be possibly fobbed off and lied about, visual evidence cannot. The solicitor is of the opinion, that this evidence can be used as a bargaining tool, in order to reach an agreement we are both happy with. At the moment I am being threatened with being left with nothing.

Mr. Incognito

Visual covert evidence would likely not be admitted and its illegal to film someone like this.

I would be shocked if a solicitor recommended this.

Bad bad idea that will paint her as a victim and you as a scumbag paranoid husband.

Equity dictates those who seek equity must come with clean hands.

limnam

Advice needed please wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. Just to clarify, having an affair does not make her a bad parent, but being emotionally and mentally abusive, while also being threatening to our young children, does. Like I said, I haven't given specific details of incidents here, as I don't want this to be recognised. But as mentioned, these incidents have been reported to the relevant organisations.
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Considering you allowed this to go on for ten years without doing anything tangible about it, You're as responsible as she is for the behaviour towards your kids.

Maybe spend less time thinking about hidden cameras and such and turn the focus on how the kids can get out of this mess the two of you have created with the least amount of harm done to them emotionally and physically.

Get your priorities straight.

Advice needed please

limnam wrote: »

Considering you allowed this to go on for ten years without doing anything tangible about it, You're as responsible as she is for the behaviour towards your kids.

Maybe spend less time thinking about hidden cameras and such and turn the focus on how the kids can get out of this mess the two of you have created with the least amount of harm done to them emotionally and physically.

Get your priorities straight.

Wow. Well if I've learnt anything through counselling through agencies such as Amen, it's that these people are professionals at controlling, manipulating, and isolating their spouse. It's not a case of 'allowing this to go on for ten years'. It's a case of being manipulated through threats of suicide and all sorts. And just for the record, I did everything in my power to get my wife help throughout our marriage, but when it started to affect my mental health, I DID turn my priorities to my children's welfare. Which is why I am doing everything in my power to keep them in my care.

I sincerely hope you never find yourself the victim of emotional abuse. But if you do, you may understand how hard it is to fight.

kylith

Are you sure that when he said visual proof he meant covert videos and not screenshots of texts or photos that may have been sent between them?

paperclip2

limnam wrote: »

Considering you allowed this to go on for ten years without doing anything tangible about it, You're as responsible as she is for the behaviour towards your kids.

Maybe spend less time thinking about hidden cameras and such and turn the focus on how the kids can get out of this mess the two of you have created with the least amount of harm done to them emotionally and physically.

Get your priorities straight.

Ah here now. That's a bit harsh. The man is trying fix the problem but when you are dealing with someone with whom rational discussion is not a possibility a mutual solution is next to impossible to achieve.
Granted the methods he's contemplating using about might not be to everyone's taste but that's between him and his solicitor.

Also he is NOT responsible for his wife's behaviour. She is. the truth is we don't know what other efforts he has made to improve the situation over the last ten years before coming to this point. So having a go at him for not doing something sooner is as unfair as it may be inaccurate.

OP I don't have much practical advice to give. I would be worried myself over using covert surveillance and how that could reflect on you. Maybe have another discussion with your solicitor about the legalities etc. Also maybe do some independent research on how this sort of evidence is treated by family court judges. Best of luck.

Tokyo

I too, would be very surprised if a solicitor equated 'visual proof' with 'set up covert surveillance and catch her in the act' - I'd certainly get back to him or her on that one, and if they recommend it again, get a second opinion, as I can't see how the act of setting up hidden cameras would make you come across as anything other than controlling in a court of law. I also imagine that it would be inadmissible due to lack of consent from the other party.

My take on 'visual proof' would have been copies of emails, or screenshots of text messages and the like, but as I said, contact your solicitor again for clarification.

Advice needed please

mike_ie wrote: »

I too, would be very surprised if a solicitor equated 'visual proof' with 'set up covert surveillance and catch her in the act' - I'd certainly get back to him or her on that one, and if they recommend it again, get a second opinion, as I can't see how the act of setting up hidden cameras would make you come across as anything other than controlling in a court of law. I also imagine that it would be inadmissible due to lack of consent from the other party.

My take on 'visual proof' would have been copies of emails, or screenshots of text messages and the like, but as I said, contact your solicitor again for clarification.

Thanks for the responses. Just to clarify, my solicitor didn't suggest cameras etc. he said he would like to see more proof, photos etc. it's very hard to prove there is a sexual relationship going on, in a way that she can't twist into being false, unless it's visually obvious, in my opinion. That's the only reason I'm 'considering' these options.

Tokyo

Advice needed please wrote: »

Thanks for the responses. Just to clarify, my solicitor didn't suggest cameras etc. he said he would like to see more proof, photos etc. it's very hard to prove there is a sexual relationship going on, in a way that she can't twist into being false, unless it's visually obvious, in my opinion. That's the only reason I'm 'considering' these options.

There is a world of difference between finding photos of your wife and some other guy together at a social event, or intimate in a restaurant on a night out, and setting up hidden cameras around the home and bedroom in the hope that your wife decides to have it off with another guy in front of them. Seriously, even if it was admissible, how do you think that is going to come across in court? It will take all of ten seconds for her to use them to sell the idea of how abusive and controlling you are of her that you monitor her every move, and that she was driven into the arms of another man out of sheer need to get away from it all.

If you think I'm exaggerating, tell your solicitor of your ideas of setting up covert surveillance around the house, and watch as their jaw hits the floor with disbelief. If it doesn't, consider hiring another solicitor.

Don't get me wrong, I feel for your situation, but there's a right way to go about this, and clearly this isn't it.

ABajaninCork

Clarify (in writing is possible) the advice. If the setting up of surveillance cameras, private eyes and the like is what your current solicitor recommends, then I'd seriously think about getting another.

jimmyRotator

a couple of screengrabs of raunchy text messages or planned rendezvous from her smartphone should be sufficient.

ABajaninCork

jimmyRotator wrote: »

a couple of screengrabs of raunchy text messages or planned rendezvous from her smartphone should be sufficient.

Privacy issues right there...

beyondbelief67

limnam wrote: »

Considering you allowed this to go on for ten years without doing anything tangible about it, You're as responsible as she is for the behaviour towards your kids.

Maybe spend less time thinking about hidden cameras and such and turn the focus on how the kids can get out of this mess the two of you have created with the least amount of harm done to them emotionally and physically.

Get your priorities straight.

Would you of said the same to a woman if it were her that was being abused ?
I highly doubt it, and you also don't know that the op did nothing. But emotional,physical, and mental abuse has the same effect on a man as it does on a woman, in fact it's often worse as they feel more embarrassed for not being able to stand up to the partner and also less likely to come forward about it.
So the last thing the op needs is you to now attack him too.
Well done op in moving on with your life I wish you the best.
I know how crippling being in your situation can be as my father was in the same situation, sadly amen weren't around then.

A.Partridge

Hi Op, have you considered hiring a private investigator?

power pants

From reading your first post, Im not 100% sure your solicitor was referring to "visual proof regarding your wife's affair.

I do not think having an affair will have any impact with regards to a custody battle.

Perhaps the solicitor was referring to more evidence to back up your claim that your wife is an unfit parent?


Its not so much a point scoring or digging up dirt on your wife, it is more of presenting a factual account of your concerns with back up be it reports from social workers, doctors etc.

best of luck

Barry Edmonds

limnam wrote: »

Considering you allowed this to go on for ten years without doing anything tangible about it, You're as responsible as she is for the behaviour towards your kids.

Maybe spend less time thinking about hidden cameras and such and turn the focus on how the kids can get out of this mess the two of you have created with the least amount of harm done to them emotionally and physically.

Get your priorities straight.

What is wrong with you? The man is going through hell and you're telling him it's his fault?

Taltos

OK guys, the OP has addressed limnam's post, please direct your responses to the OP as otherwise posts will be considered off topic at best.

limnam please don't post to this thread again.
In the meantime have a read of our charter please.

Thanks
Taltos

Miaireland

OP I think you need to talk to your solicitor and get him/her to explain exactly what they meant by visual proof before you do anything.

lovelyjubbly

You have misunderstood my post. Proving an affair does not prove abuse. Judges, frankly, do not care about affairs. It is not a bargaining chip for access/custody. You are getting poor advice.

If the relevant authorities have been informed about abusive behaviour by your wife then you have to await the outcome of that. Inform the judge of the abuse. I imagine a s.47 will be ordered.

Let go of the affair.